standtall Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 OP, this is a first here. You are not even a back up plan, but sounds like she wants to fast track it so you are a New Years Eve back up plan. Sorry to sound mean, but there is a purpose. She is mean, and she doesn't deserve to be just let back in...she should earn it from you. You deserve better, so I trying to make you madder than you sound, so you make her earn it. BTW, you situation sucks...my sympathies about your mom and wife. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Same old story, wife becomes more attractive, loses weight or has breast implant surgery and dumps husband. PD: Actions speaks louder than words. Is she showing any great signs of remorse, trying to be a better wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pianodad Posted December 11, 2018 Author Share Posted December 11, 2018 Thanks for all your replies. At this stage, we're still living in the house together, which has made the last 4 months extremely difficult. I had originally suggested a 50/50 custody split but her preference is more like 75/25. If it wasn't for the fact that we have 2 kids together, I would run a mile. If we were to try again, I would need to be absolutely sure that this is going to work out for the longer term. I certainly don't want to get back together only for something similar to happen in a few months time. One option might be to try again for a short period of time to see if we can salvage the relationship. I want to keep the divorce in place during this time - so if things aren't working out after a few months, I don't have to start the divorce from the beginning again. She is now too embarrassed to see or speak to my family. So, she has suggested that at weekends, I take the kids to see my side of the family. You could easily argue that this is halfway to being a single parent anyway. She would expect me to still see her family though. She hasn't made any effort to change things that didn't work first time round. I've said to her that we need to change things that didn't work otherwise the same thing will happen again. It's tricky because if we divorce it would impact the kids lifestyle especially if she still refuses to work. I want to be do what's right for the kids but am worried about getting caught in a loveless marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 If she refuses to work, she gets to live on the streets. What a ridiculous concept that she thinks she has the option to not work if the marriage falls apart. And, if I were you, I'd make sure she doesn't delude herself into thinking she has that option. She isn't changing anything because she doesn't think she needs to change. Since she seems to have this cavalier attitude about the marriage and that she has you by the ying-yang just because you have kids, I'd disabuse her of that notion really fast. She's far too arrogant about the whole thing, if you ask me. Whether she's too ashamed to see your family or not, she doesn't need to be around them right now and they don't need to be around her. The dust needs to settle and only time will tell if your marriage is going to last or not. After some time has passed, she can reintegrate herself into your family. Until then, don't torture them with her presence. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 (edited) She hasn't made any effort to change things that didn't work first time round. I've said to her that we need to change things that didn't work otherwise the same thing will happen again. Exactly. And how did you respond to that? My response would have been well if you don't want to change then that's it, we're divorcing. I agree with bathtub, she is being far too arrogant and flippant about the whole thing. She thinks if she just talks some rubbish at you the whole thing will blow over. You need to show her that is NOT going to happen. Have you found any evidence of the affair yet? Has she confessed? This is CRITICAL to any future reconciliation. If she won't be honest with you then the whole future of your marriage would be based on a lie. If I were you I'd see a lawyer about the finances (if you haven't already) and carry on with the divorce proceedings. Ask her where she will live and what she will do for work and how she will support herself, after the divorce goes through. Say you're fine with 75/25 custody and that you're happy to have them 75% of the time. You need to start playing hardball here, otherwise you're going to get walked all over. It happens to men all the time in divorce. You should be taking the bull by the horns NOW rather than later. Edited December 12, 2018 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Thanks for all your replies. At this stage, we're still living in the house together, which has made the last 4 months extremely difficult. I had originally suggested a 50/50 custody split but her preference is more like 75/25. If it wasn't for the fact that we have 2 kids together, I would run a mile. If we were to try again, I would need to be absolutely sure that this is going to work out for the longer term. I certainly don't want to get back together only for something similar to happen in a few months time. One option might be to try again for a short period of time to see if we can salvage the relationship. I want to keep the divorce in place during this time - so if things aren't working out after a few months, I don't have to start the divorce from the beginning again. She is now too embarrassed to see or speak to my family. So, she has suggested that at weekends, I take the kids to see my side of the family. You could easily argue that this is halfway to being a single parent anyway. She would expect me to still see her family though. She hasn't made any effort to change things that didn't work first time round. I've said to her that we need to change things that didn't work otherwise the same thing will happen again. It's tricky because if we divorce it would impact the kids lifestyle especially if she still refuses to work. I want to be do what's right for the kids but am worried about getting caught in a loveless marriage. If she is unwilling to compromise and work on improving the marriage then she isnt suitable for reconciliation. Dont be afraid to make strong statements with your actions, you cant lay down and accept this simply because you are worried about losing her, truth is she is already half gone. Your decisions from this point has to be in the best interest of your children and yourself, excluding her feelings, thoughts and opinions. She is out for herself and not on your team at this point, so by allowing her to influence your decisions is allowing her to get the upper hand and better positioning. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 If it wasn't for the fact that we have 2 kids together, I would run a mile. If we were to try again, I would need to be absolutely sure that this is going to work out for the longer term. I certainly don't want to get back together only for something similar to happen in a few months time. I get trying to make it work for the kids, but remember this - having two kids together hasn't influenced her behavior and boundaries to this this point. So while family concerns may keep you there, nothing indicates they'll keep her faithful. It won't help you at this point to attempt to do the right thing for the wrong reasons... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
True gentleman Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Will you ever really trust her again? Or will you question where she is and her motives every time there is an unknown? If you can’t answer firmly I would continue the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 (edited) I always advise file first, reconcile later. Reality has a strange way of clarifying the situation. Edited December 13, 2018 by Simple Logic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 I would advise against taking her back but if you do then make her earn her way back into your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 She was having an affair, brother. She wanted to swing to another branch but that branch broke off. Now she is trying to get back to you. Don't let her back. It would be a terrible decision. Don't be someone's Plan-B. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MilitaryMan Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Don’t do it!!! She’s cake eating and will cheat again man. Don’t be dumb like me. I wasted an additional 2 years of my life thinking she changed and the whole time she was reaching out to her AP. I have kids too and it will be touch but it’s better than losing your self worth and being a doormat Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Have you grieved your mom’s passing? How are you holding up? It may be beneficial to let her get it out of her system but truly consider if this is really about the kids or you? Kids are smart. They know what’s going on. Link to post Share on other sites
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