Took her back but now I'm not so sure.... (New)

[Simple Logic]

Good lord! Do you think my 9 year old daughter could be someone elses. Given what had happened just before we got married and pregnant shortly after, I actually thought about this. Like maybe she went back to him one or more times.

 

This site has folks that are rather quick to point out any and all the possible horrors.

[Matt77]

Sorry but most of this sounds just bad. Not sure where the good was. Your daughter??

 

 

 

You've learned and clearly your wife hasn't. And just because you changed doesn't mean you wife can, will, or even really wants to. Which is the same for most people. You need to put down the Hopium pipe. Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels.

 

Your wife has done absolutely nothing to repair the damage she's done. And her finally being somewhat honest after lying non-stop repeatedly isn't anything to get excited about. I'm also surprised you're not more mad about her bringing your daughter out with her affair partner and manipulating her. To me that should have been a deal breaker right there.

 

It's fine to want your wife to change, just don't sit around waiting for her to while you do nothing. Because there's a good chance she might not. And your daughter might be 9 now and not completely get what's going on, but as a former child I promise you she's picking some things up. And she'll absorb even more as she gets older older. The infidelity, the resentments, sleeping in different rooms, etc. Kids aren't stupid. You should be thinking about how you two are affecting your child. Too many parents think their kids are blind, deaf, and dumb when it comes to their own actions.

 

Yeah she told our daughter to lie to me about where they were staying and who they were staying with. I can't ****in believe she drug our daughter through this that way. My daughter played with his kids. They would have sex when all the kids went to bed. They slept in the same bed overnight as a couple. This boils me!!

[Matt77]

Give it time. This is all so new and continue with marriage counseling. Use the same person but you two should each do one on one therapy as well. Glad that your daughter is speaking to someone! She probably doesn't understand the full situation but she obviously knows enough since she was exposed to this other guy.

 

You and your wife have a history and entwined lives, a daughter so don't throw in the towel until you feel you've tried all options.

 

Is the OM completely out of the picture now? No contact?

 

As long as your wife is trying and fixing herself, making changes and working hard to make things right and be trustworthy again, give her time and a chance to prove herself to you. Make it clear to her that you will NOT tolerate anything less and if she cheats on you again with this OM or someone else, she's out and it's a divorce that will happen.

 

That's another thing. Since August to November 13th. She was in contact with him on Instagram, dm'ing back and forth about getting the rest of her stuff. The dude told me this. He was tryin to get her to **** him in order for her to get her stuff back. But she refused him every time. He also confirmed this. Still it wasn't right that she maintained contact with him without her telling me about it and why she was. Since then there has been no cantact that I know of.

[Maraud3r]

Get a paternity test for the daughter, a lawyer for your divorce proceedings and a spine. Not necessarily in that order. This isn't meant to be mean but to be a wake up call. She has ZERO respect for you, she completely walks all over you and when this guy doesn't want her she comes back and expects you to take care of her.

 

She took a child who's possibly your daughter to meet this guy while she had her dates with him. She left her alone at other places so she could bang him.

[pepperbird]

Get a paternity test for the daughter, a lawyer for your divorce proceedings and a spine. Not necessarily in that order. This isn't meant to be mean but to be a wake up call. She has ZERO respect for you, she completely walks all over you and when this guy doesn't want her she comes back and expects you to take care of her.

 

She took a child who's possibly your daughter to meet this guy while she had her dates with him. She left her alone at other places so she could bang him.

 

 

She sounds like a less than stellar mom, and to be honest, just plain nasty.

 

It's bad enough cheating on your spouse, but to drag your child into it? That''s a whole new level of awful. What kind of a person does that?

[40somethingGuy]

I just joined this forum so I've never posted or commented yet.

 

I need some advice or support or whatever.

 

Here's my story/situation. My wife who I've been with for 14 years, married for 10. Has been back in the house since July after having a 5 month affair. We've had ups and downs since.

 

So in February just after Valentines Day. She started talking to a guy she met at the bar while hanging out with her female friend/coworker. After about a week she slept with him and things just took off. I had no idea at this point.

 

I had noticed that she was acting distant towards me. And she was doing things that in hindsight should have been huge red flags. At about 8pm for 5 days a week she said she was going to the gym with her friend, but would be gone for three hours. I just blew it off as her working out and talking with her friend about work because they worked opposite shifts at work.

 

I also remember showing up to my daughter place where she did gymnastics and my wife would be gone. I would call her and she would pickup and tell me she was coming back from the public library. Over the last few months I was "wait a second, the library closed before our daughter gymnastic class started". I never thought to question it because I don't go to the library.

 

Anyway as time passes on, she gets colder and colder. For a couple days we kinda acted like a couple. We went down to Verizon in April to get new phones and smart watches. We never treated ourselves and we were overdue for new fancy stuff. She held my hand on the way down to go pick them out. We even ate a nice dinner that night and had sex that the morning (last sex I would get until July).

 

After that, back to cold hearted and distant. We get to our Anniversary and I write her a later about how I feel. I get nothing we do nothing on our day. Later that night she tells me "thank you for the letter. I got scared. I thought they were divorce papers".

 

Fast forward to Mother's Day, May 13th. I had scheduled her and my daughter mani's and pedi's from abroad. I was out of country on business. She didn't know I was going to come back that day. I did it that way to surprise her. So I show up at the restaurant that she said she was going to be at. I'm walking up to the restuarant and she meets me at the door and says "what are you doing here". She looks scared as ****. I still have no idea there is an affair going on. I feel so stupid for not seeing the signs.

 

I go in there to meet my daughter because at this point my wife has no interest in me surprising her. She actually told me "your ruining my Mother's Day". So I go in to see my daughter. There's this guy sitting there next to another woman. He's short and kinda fat and prematurely balding and has one of those beards that don't grow right (patchy spots on the side of his face). So I don't think anything of it.

 

I'm 6'1, 200lbs. Naturally tanned complexion. I'm athletic, I work out, 6 (almost 8 pack). So when I saw this sloppy dude already sitting next to another woman. I think nothing of it. Anyway I give my daughter a hug and leave pissed off that my wife rejected me on Mother's Day after a week of business away. Wow!

 

She moves out the next day. She comes over packs all of her clothes and toiletries. She packs some of our daughters clothes and toys. I have her sign away her rights to our joint account. She at this point had her own secret account that she had been filtering money into. I told her that I'm not paying for her school anymore with my GI Bill. I had just bought her a new laptop for school too. I made her give it back so I could return it. She says she is moving into her friend that she works with (female). She is actually female, I had met her before.

 

So for a month and half she puts our daughter through living at her place and then mine. Back and forth, no schedule to it. Total chaos. June 10th, I show up at the place she is staying and tell her to come over so I can drop our daughter off for the night. I had to work at 6 the next morning. She tells me she will swing by my house in the morning to get her. I tell her no, I'm already at her place. So she shows up in someone elses car, drunk. She tells me how good I look. I blow it off cause of how she is acting. I ask what the hell is going on with her. She says "I'm just trying to have fun with my friends".

 

At this point I go NC for like three days. After day one she is blowing me up with "can you please talk to me?" I ignore it. On June 13th. I finally think to check the phone records. Believe me people, I have never felt to so stupid in my life. This one number keeps popping up everyday.

 

I'm supposed to go on another business trip for another week. I break NC to tell her I wanna see our daughter before I go. She comes over and asks "are you gonna talk to me" I say sure. I read off the phone number that had been blowing up. I told her I called it and a dude answered. She then confesses to sleeping with another man. At this point I'm shocked and asking how she could be so weak. A few more words are said and she get's back in her car and drives away.

 

I cancel the business trip because I am destroyed. The next day she asks me "are you going to tell everyone?" I'm like idk. She tells me she 85% wanting to be done and that the 15% is because we have a kid. I'm so messed up at this point because I'm want her back at the marital home. But also not sure because she let another man onto her. I go to my doctor for an appointment for depression meds and a referral to a therapist.

 

I ask her if she is going to continue sleeping with him or stay in contact with him. She says "idk, he's my friend". I plead with her not to (big mistake I know). So she swears on our daughter life that she wont. Over the next two weeks we kinda talk about things. She comes home on the 27th of June and says for two nights. She doesn't sleep in our bed with me. She is still being distant.

 

Then the 30th of June rolls around and she asks if she can go to a country music concert with her friend. She goes out and sends me a video of the concert. She doesn't come home that night. Our daughter stayed the night at a friends house. The next day she picks her up and takes her to where she is staying. I decide that my daughter is done staying outside the marital home. I go over unannounced and pick our daughter up.

 

The exchange is weird. She acts as if she didn't come over to ever work it out. Just totally cold. She tells me I should have called. I tell her that she never answers her phone. I then tell her our daughter is never coming back to that house. So then June 2nd comes around and she just shows up at the house with more of her clothes and stuff. She decides that she wants to go with my daughter and I back home to South Dakota.

 

She is still staying in our daughters room at night. She is warming up to me and even kissed me on the 5th of July. It was awkward. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss her. So may daughter and I leave on the 6th of July for South Dakota. Were driving to Colorado to see my dad before we get to SD and I start getting all these messages from her that she misses me. She video chats me on WhatsApp smiling and telling me she loves and misses me.

 

My daughter and I were having fun visiting family. She flew in on the 11th of July. I go to pick her up at the airport and when we see each other, we start running to each other. She jumps into my arms and were kissing in front of each other. It was really crazy. It felt right, but wrong to knowing she had cheated on me. She had been a totally different person from before and then she had this switch while my daughter and I had drove up. Like a demon left her body or something.

 

Anyway we have this amazing time on this "vacation" in our home town. He have sex nearly every day, twice a day. We see friends and family. Some know, some don't. But they support us. Well we get back home and back to reality. I feel bad for asking but I suggest that we both go get tested. I feel so dumb for making love with her without making sure she is clean.

 

We get tested. Were both clean. Thank God. Well I want to talk about the details of the affair. She knows from all of the information about affairs that that is what your supposed to do. So I ask questions about how long this had been going on and how many times did they have sex. She said she first slept with him the first week of April. And that they only had sex 5 times. She said they were just friends with benefits.

 

My intuition told me that this was an absolute lie. I've wanting a divorce because I can't be with a liar and an cheater. We had kind of fallen on rough financial times. We spent a little bit of money on the SD reconciliation trip and she had quit her job to go on the trip. She picked up another job as a secretary for a former client from the contempo spa she worked at.

 

So from August to Novemeber we go back and forth with things. Having sex like crazy to arguing about affair recovery. So on November 13th I had had it. I knew she was lying about the affair and how involved it was. I actually still had the guys number. I had drafted a text like a month basically saying that I was her husband and my therapist said that it was kinda risky reachin out, but asked him if he was willing to talk.

 

So I just said **** it. What do I have to lose. So I hit send on the text. 5 minutes later the dude blows me up with three long paragraph texts laying things out. He said he didn't mind talkin to me and was wondering when Inwas gonna reach out. He told me everything she told me was a lie.

 

He said things started between them in the middle of February and sex a week later. She had told me things started late March and sex first week of April. He said she moved in with him then day after Mother's Day. She told me she loved into her coworkers house (a woman). He said they had sex near everyday sometimes twice a day. She told me 5 times from the start of this thing.

 

She lied to him. He told me that she said that we were already divorced and separated. And that I was out of the marital home and living another woman. He caught her in her lies when he went through her phone in late June. He said he felt something was off and while she was asleep and kinda drunk, took her thumb and unlocked her iPhone. He saw all the talking her and I were doing about reconciliation and marriage counseling. He saw all the photos Inwas sending her of my body after I worked out.

 

He said he so livid. She bought him an Apple Watch to try to make up for it. They had some fights the during the last week of June and he eventually kicked her ass out. Which exactly explains why she just all of sudden showed back up to the house July 2nd. Here I thought she chose me. So him and I are talking back and forth about all the lying she wrapped us up in.

 

So then I realize that she wrapped our daughter through her affair. I asked him if they acted like a couple in front her. He said yes. Then ****in sent me. So I move out of our room into a spare room. I was prepared for divorce. After like three days of not saying much to her accept about our daughter type stuff she tells me that she wants to be open and honest about the affair and answer whatever questions I had.

 

So I'm curious as to how truthful she can be. I didn't tell her everything that I talked about with her OM. I start asking questions I already know the answers to and some I don't. She actually starts telling the truth. I could tell it was the truth because some of it has hard to hear. Brutal honesty. But this actually started to build a bridge of trust for all that nasty water to flow under.

 

Things have been much better since she's actually been open and honest. Here's the problem. Now that I know the gravity of it, I've had second thoughts. I feel like divorce is inevitable because I feel like I can't handle the amount of what happened. Can anyone weigh in on this? I know there is lot here. Thoughts, comments, opinions, advice???

 

 

 

She needs to be exposed, humiliated (let all her family and friends know), and launched. You are only Plan B with security. Holy smokes she needs to be out of your life as much as possible. She is a liar and only came clean when she had no alternative. Get an appointment with a lawyer like yesterday.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I need some advice or support or whatever.

 

Things have been much better since she's actually been open and honest. Here's the problem. Now that I know the gravity of it, I've had second thoughts. I feel like divorce is inevitable because I feel like I can't handle the amount of what happened. Can anyone weigh in on this? I know there is lot here. Thoughts, comments, opinions, advice???

 

Unfortunately, your story is not unique. Her behavior is typical. You described my WW is some of those paragraphs.

 

My comments and thoughts are "You are correct, divorce is inevitable". If you decide to reconcile, ALL of the information in your post(s) will always be there.

[GoldenR]

There's a lot to go over here, but honestly, there's one thing that trumps all the rest:

 

You are her Plan B.

 

There's really nothing else to say. If you can get past that, being that it's the worst of everything, then you should be able to get past everything else, and I wish you luck. If you can't (I wasn't able to) then get rid of her as fast as you can do you can move on with your life.

[Whoknew30]

Both my H & I had affairs on each other & worked it out, so typically my advice is always saving a marriage, especially if kid’s are involved. BUT she used your daughter...that to me is the absolute worst of the worst to suck kids into it. Not only can’t you trust her but neither can your daughter & now that you e seen this side of her, you’re well warned...she’s not a good mom & your daughter is going to remember this, it’s one thing to hear about your parent having an affair it’s something else to remember your mom taking you to the guy’s house to stay that she’s screwing him & your dad.

 

I’d start documenting everything bc it may come in handy for the custody agreement if you divorce...if you don’t divorce, she’s going to do it again. She never chose to come back & who knows if she will next time & who she’ll bring around your daughter. In my opinion if someone actually leaves you, let them stay gone. Good luck & I hope you’ll be very open with your daughter about all of this...she’s going to need you.

[YoungCandy]

I want to tell you I have a very similar experience. I cheated on my wife 6 years ago, and she did it back on me a few years later and slept with multiple men. Thing blew up after I caught the texts on her phone. She told me she was sleeping with a close friend of mine and made up a partially true story but lied about other things. I suspected so I ended up meeting with my friend to compare his version of the story. I can also tell you how strangely satisfying it was to listen to a buddy to tell you about how he worked up your wife, but that's a different topic.

 

Over the past two years I found out more about her other past affairs. She did end them soon after it blew up but she had not come clean to me before. She only told me more about it after I picked up new evidence and confronted with her. This really is the biggest trust destroying factor although concealing shameful acts is just human nature. We have been living with this issue for the past few years. There has been a lot of ups and downs, divorce was brought up a few times but somehow we're still together.

 

I think it really comes down to you if you still have any feeling towards her and your motivation to maintain the marriage. She will have to show the desire to do the same with you otherwise it won't work. You will need to reconnect emotionally and rebuild the trust, which will take a long time. The crazy sex thing is great but usually won't last for very long (we had that too after her confession but ours only lasted less than a month and we blew up again). You will never forget what you had found out but given time, you will be able to find more ways to deal with your emotional. Try to avoid the blame game as much as you can. If you're going to stay it means you're going to forgive. And remember it was you did this to her in the first place so it kind of evens out. Staying together will have a lot of struggling in the years to come, but it's possible. And you can always divorce later if its not working for you.

Edited December 12, 2018 by YoungCandy

[Matt77]

I'm reading what everyone is saying. Sorry I'm not replying specifically to each of you.

 

She's offered up that we separate for year where I can date anybody while she waits in celabacy. After that year she said I make my decision to be single or come back to her. I did not expect this! She admits how ****ed up it was of doing all this. How callous and destructive it was. She said she willing to do this to see what I really want while she tests herself in celabacy. Just wow

[Matt77]

I asked her how she could just let me go off and date while she doesn't. She said "to show you how much I love you and to show you how serious I am about dedicating myself to change". I honestly didn't expect this offer. Thoughts?

[Marc878]

Words in these situations are worth about as much as a fart in the wind.

 

Long term actions are all that really count.

[usa1ah]

I could never stay with some who did what your wife did.

 

Up to you.

 

Who moves out

[Matt77]

I'm going back to Active Duty. So we will be getting stationed at another base. From there we will go to a lawyer and file a legal seperation. She will get a two or three bedroom house. I will get a two bedroom apartment, maybe a house. After one year of me dating, I either dump the girl I'm with or not with or go back to her. She said she is willing to do this and she will be waiting. If I don't come back to her, a legal seperation is nice because it's all the stuff of a divorce without actually being divorced. But if I want the divorce the legal seperation can easily be switched to a divorce cause all the leg work is already done.

[Matt77]

Is this a good idea. Will she resent this? Will I fall in love with another woman? She said she would rather me not but said she loves me enough to let me figure this out and see the other grass. It seems kinda wrong for her to let me have my cake and eat it too. Maybe she letting me cause of what she did. Like a one year long hall pass while she waits in celabacy. She wants a mold of my dick though. I understand that of course.

[Marc878]

I suspect it won't make you feel much better and will cause more confusion and chaos.

 

She's in self preservation mode at this time. They will usually promise the moon.

 

Plus it's just her words. As You've found you can't trust her.

 

Separation is usually a prep for divorce.

 

IMO I'd think long and hard about what I wanted. Then make a decision.

[Matt77]

She was pretty much my second girlfriend, my first love, and only wife.

 

I feel like I missed out on dating in my twenties. I really do feel like this is a workable option. I had wondered for years if I missed out or not. But I just pushed on in our marraige and accepted my vows and stuck to them. But now that this has happened. I've had all these serious thoughts of doubt in her being that last woman I will BE with if you no what I mean.

 

I know sound like a philandering idiot, but I never had any real doubts about spending the rest of my life with her or her being the last woman I would sleep with until this **** happened. All my dreams and beliefs have been called into question now. She can't have kids anymore. I wanted a son. Maybe another woman who wont destroy my heart can give me that.

Edited December 12, 2018 by Matt77

[Colin Grant]

I'm reading what everyone is saying. Sorry I'm not replying specifically to each of you.

 

She's offered up that we separate for year where I can date anybody while she waits in celabacy. After that year she said I make my decision to be single or come back to her. I did not expect this! She admits how ****ed up it was of doing all this. How callous and destructive it was. She said she willing to do this to see what I really want while she tests herself in celabacy. Just wow

 

Testing herself is very wayward thinking. The gesture is a nice one, but she gave herself an out before this thing even started. If she slips up, she can say, 'I told you I was testing myself. I guess I didn't pass the test".

[YoungCandy]

I will say give it a shot and give yourself and her a year's time to figure things out. Sometimes when you're together you don't really treasure what your partner has to offer.

[bigman1]

What?! Re-read all that you wrote. Seriously. None of that seems remotely sensible. You want to separate but give her a mold of your penis and then see what happens in a year? She's gonna test hqhether she can be celibate during that time, but you can hook up with whomever?

So, you have a year of meaningless one night stands? Not healthy and kinda dehumanizing. You have a year of leading other women on and having sex? Not healthy or fair. The rest of the stuff too. How is this even an option?

 

For offering it and for you considering it, you both have proven yourselves in need of serious individual counseling.

 

Just end it. No strings attached. Move on full steam ahead. If, after a year you guys find each other, see where things go, but hopefully each of you will be in a better head space and have found yourselves. Note, not other people, but your healthy self. Then you can look at another relationship with whomever.

[SummerDreams]

I don't care that much about what she did to her H. But I can't forgive what she did to her child. This kind of women should never become mothers. I feel sorry thinking of the psychological trauma this child will have throughout her life.

 

 

Don't divorce her to save yourself. Divorce her and take full custody to save your kid. Like NOW.

[Orokotikki]

Dude, don't do it.

She just setting you up to be the bad guy so she can say she left a cheater instead of you left a cheater.

 

If you are in US forces you can be prosecuted (Yeah I know its rare) for cheating (uniform code of justice).

 

Also look up horror stories about raw deals soldiers get when their wife divorces them while deployed.

 

Oh, and she couldn't manage to be sexually faithful to you before and NOW she is going to be celibate for a year? Wake up dude!

 

My fWW fed me some BS line like that at one time - she was able to justify cheating to herself before, how easy will it be if she can tell herself your cheating too!

 

My fWW said she would get her own apartment and 'see neither of us until she made up her mind'. The apartments she looked at? 45 minute drive from our marital home. 3 minute drive to the POSOM's house.

 

Its a standard cheaterscript type bull.

[El Duendecillo]

Dude, don't do it.

She just setting you up to be the bad guy so she can say she left a cheater instead of you left a cheater.

 

 

This 100% ^^^^^^

[JS84]

You really think she's going to sit around celibate for a year while you're off ****ing whoever then after all of that you'll work on the marriage????? Yea this sounds like a great idea...