Argument over first year anniversary

[Mx12345]

This weekend will be the one year anniversary for my boyfriend and I. Our first date was one year ago but we did not become an official couple or have sex until February. A few months ago however he mentioned how our one year anniversary was coming up at the beginning of December. Internally, I was fine with our one year being our first date and not when we became official so I didn't say anything like "well actually its more like February"

 

Our relationship is almost perfect. I see a future with him, we communicate well, we have passion, etc. We have talked about past relationships to an extent, but I can tell he doesn't like details about these things. Hes mentioned past relationships, but never goes into detail, and he's always been this way. Prior to me, his last serious relationship lasted for a year and ended two years before him and I started dating (so ended roughly three years ago.) Hes never told me her name, but I was able to figure out who she is through old facebook photos. At some point after their relationship he deleted most of their pictures and stuff but he is still tagged in pictures that she posted and didn't delete. And she is obviously a very active facebook user because there are a lot. One thing they used to always do is go to winery's about an hour and a half away. And she has multiple pictures from a handful of different ones during their time together. Now he probably doesn't realize that I have not only facebook stalked him going that far back, but her as well. I think the issue is that because he never talks about prior relationships, I'm more curious.

 

So the argument happened last weekend. We were trying to decide what to do for our first year anniversary. He suggested we go an hour and a half away to the winery's. I immediately fel uneasy about this because I knew from facebook that him and her would always go (I have never been.) But I said that sounded ok and it could be an option. He got on his laptop next to me and started to look at winerys and which ones we could stop at. There were a couple that he said he had never been to so I immediately felt better, like we would go to ones he hasn't been and have our own memories. but then he said he for sure wanted to stop at these two in particular. I saw the names and recognized them from her pictures on facebook that hes tagged in. I told him lets go to the new ones since he had already been to those. He said he liked the two he had already been. I got very upset and told him I didn't want to go on our one year anniversary to a winery that he had already been to with his ex girlfriend. He was confused at first but I yelled that I saw on facebook that he went with his ex gf to those exact winery's and that there were tons out there, why did we have to go to those. He was confused how I knew that information, so I admitted that he is still tagged in her pictures and that I saw on facebook. At first he seemed apologetic, that he didn't see it that way, and that we could go to new ones, even though those he mentioned were good ones to go to. But I couldn't let it go. He has suggested like three times if we can make homemade pizza and then post them on facebook and ask which one looks better. She has an exact picture like that with him. so the times hes mentioned it Ive just brushed it off bc I don't want to do something hes already done with an ex. But in this argument I told him "and youre always asking to make homemade pizza and then post it on facebook and ask who's looks better, and she has a picture like that too, why don't you want to create new memories with me?" after that he got pissed too and started mentioning that our anniversary isn't even till February and I went on dates with other guys in December so it doesn't even count. and hes right, I never went into specifics (mainly because he never asked and like I said he doesn't like to talk about past relationships) he I did date another guy last December (not exclusive). He knows this as I admitted it at some point in the relationship.

 

So anyways now were both mad at each other and I don't even know if were doing anything this weekend. I really am hurt that he keeps wanting to do things with me that hes done with his ex. But am I being irrational? is this really a minor thing and I'm making it out to be bigger than it is? Like I said, maybe I'm insecure because he doesn't talk about her, or any ex really. I don't know why or how they ended. Shes absolutely beautiful and seems to have everything going for her. I guess it makes me insecure that he may not be over her.

[Garcon1986]

I'm not certain that he's done anything to make you reasonably suspect he's going after his ex girlfriend? What you've described is that he is guilty of leaving his ex GF's pictures on his facebook, and you have been extensively facebook stalking him. Why feel the need to browse your BF's facebook to the most deepest level possible? I was very annoyed at my previous ex for browsing my gmails while I was asleep. It's one of the most trust destroying things you can do. What I propose here is to write down what you are insecure about and describe them to your boyfriend. If he's like any other man, he has not read your mind about what you are insecure about. Maybe you can come up with some tangible actions to help you with your insecurities. It's not a crime to have insecurities, however I think it is less than ideal to have insecurities and be coy and indirect about them, while at the same bottling up worry, fear, and anxiety in your relationship.

[kendahke]

but am I being irrational? is this really a minor thing and I'm making it out to be bigger than it is?

 

I think you've got grounds for being pissed with him because it does seem as if he's still emotionally attached to her to the point where he can't see that him even suggesting that you two do the exact same things he did with her is foul on its face. Have you ever asked him how he would feel if you suggested that he go with you to some romantic spot where you and your ex visited? Of course he'd be apoplectic, so why shouldn't you?

[d0nnivain]

Did you ever think he just likes wineries? I have done things with past BFs & then taken DH because I like the place. It's not about memories of the others.

 

Your insecurities are going to cost you this relationship. It's creepy to me that you look at his EX GF's social media so closely that you recognize the names of places she went with him. I'll grant you a quick peek to see what she looked like but you are over the top here.

 

I'd apologize. Go to the wineries & make new memories but concede your anniversary is in February when you became official & have a do over.

[Mx12345]

Did you ever think he just likes wineries? I have done things with past BFs & then taken DH because I like the place. It's not about memories of the others.

 

Your insecurities are going to cost you this relationship. It's creepy to me that you look at his EX GF's social media so closely that you recognize the names of places she went with him. I'll grant you a quick peek to see what she looked like but you are over the top here.

 

I'd apologize. Go to the wineries & make new memories but concede your anniversary is in February when you became official & have a do over.

 

I do know he likes winerys, I was upset that he didn't want to go to the two that he said he hadn't been before but instead to the two he's been with, with her. There are 7 wineries total up there, not dozens, so it was very easy to remember the ones she had posted with him. All of those wineries also have a strong local presence in our city because they are made so close, so the names are familiar anyway. I'm not at all condoning my behavior of looking that far back on his facebook but I'm not stalking her. Looking at something twice total and remembering it doesn't make me creepy. Also I mentioned I was curious because he doesn't talk about it.

 

But this still doesn't take away from the fact that he has verbatim said to me "lets make homemade pizzas with different toppings and then post them on facebook and ask our facebook friends which one looks and sounds better." and he is tagged in a picture with her, both holding homemade pizzas with the caption, "which of these looks better!"

[ExpatInItaly]

Did you ever think he just likes wineries? I have done things with past BFs & then taken DH because I like the place. It's not about memories of the others.

 

Your insecurities are going to cost you this relationship. It's creepy to me that you look at his EX GF's social media so closely that you recognize the names of places she went with him. I'll grant you a quick peek to see what she looked like but you are over the top here.

 

I'd apologize. Go to the wineries & make new memories but concede your anniversary is in February when you became official & have a do over.

 

Agreed with all of the above, but particularly the bolded.

 

OP, you are overreacting and making yourself look very insecure. You also have too much time on your hands if you're doing this much digging though his ex's photos. A guy I dated did this, and it really left a bad taste in my mouth about him.

[preraph]

I don't think you're being irrational. It does seem like he's trying to recreate prior memories and is maybe still into his ex. Either that, or he has trouble coming up with ideas and hates new things -- not exactly a great trait either. Maybe all those were her ideas originally and he really can't think of stuff to do or something. Only you can think about that and see if that could be true. Maybe he isn't creative in that way, so he's just rewarming ideas she gave him. Anyway, I can see why you're annoyed, and I'm glad you brought it up.

 

It's hard to have an anniversary if you do keep breaking up, but you just have to do it "from when we met." Tell him you feel like Hand Me Down Hannah. And if he then calls you Petty Betty, maybe you have to dump him. Only you can know. He can surely see what this looks like. I hope you get through it, but you need to find out if he's over her or not and if you're a placeholder.

[clia]

I think you are being irrational and have made yourself look pretty silly.

 

Is he never allowed to do anything with you that he did with his ex? What if he just really enjoyed those two wineries and wanted to go back to them? What if he had fun making pizzas and wanted to do it again? Where does it go from here? Can he never go on vacation somewhere he went with her, or to a restaurant he went with her, etc.?

[Lorenza]

You are blowing this out of proportion. Sometimes people just like what the place has to offer and not what memories it brings. If we try to avoid every single place we've been to with some ex from the past, as years go by we're gonna run out places to go. No point excluding things you've done together with an ex. I'm often visiting my "date night" restaurants without being emotional about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are blowing this out of proportion. Sometimes people just like what the place has to offer and not what memories it brings. If we try to avoid every single place we've been to with some ex from the past, as years go by we're gonna run out places to go. No point excluding things you've done together with an ex. I'm often visiting my "date night" restaurants without being emotional about it.

 

Yes, exactly.

 

I think he just remembers those wineries as fun places to go, and making pizza as a fun activity to do. I highly doubt he is attaching the same emotional significance to it as you are, OP. You're coming at this from a place of fear and insecurity.

 

I currently live in arguably one of the most beautiful cities in the world and have of course been to some of the same places with my current man as I went with not one but two of my exes. I have also visited the famous cities nearby, several times. Both with my current partner and one of those exes. My man and I just had an incredible weekend getaway at one such city, where I also went with an ex years ago. Inevitably, we visited many of the same landmarks and romantic spots. Was I trying to recreate the memories I shared with my ex? Not in the slightest. He didn't even enter my mind. I loved visiting these places with my current guy, and creating new memories with him there. I would have long ago run out of things to see and do with my partner if I refused to go places he or I had previously been with an ex.

 

My point? If your boyfriend is over his ex, and it sounds like he is, he is not seeing this as a way to reenact romantic memories with her. He doesn't sound the most creative with his ideas for activities, granted, but I think you are personalizing this and making it all about his ex when you don't have a solid reason to do so.

 

However, it was interesting that you mentioned that she is beautiful. Would you feel differently about all of this if you saw her FB pics and discovered she was less attractive than you? Is that what is triggering your insecurity about her?

[d0nnivain]

I think he's just not creative.

 

Yes, it would have been better to include at least 1 winery that he hasn't been too but this is not the hill to die on.

[2much4]

You're really digging your own grave there. Lot of people think it's distasteful to talk about exes. Your boyfriend is probably the same.

 

If you go to the jealousy section of loveshack you'll see tons of posts "my boyfriend went on a romantic vacation with his ex but won't do it with me" "my boyfriend was more affectionate with his ex" "my Girlfriend had kinky sex but won't do it with me".

As long as he doesnt mention her while youre there it shouldnt be an issue.

[Andy_K]

It's one thing to go someplace you've already been with an ex before... it's another thing entirely to plan it for your first anniversary. I can see why you'd feel put out about it.

 

Likely he just doesn't see this as an issue, and isn't particularly original or creative. Suggest you offer some alternative ideas and/or help plan something. If he's stubborn about it, that's an entirely different issue.

[Lorenza]

It's one thing to go someplace you've already been with an ex before... it's another thing entirely to plan it for your first anniversary. I can see why you'd feel put out about it.

 

Likely he just doesn't see this as an issue, and isn't particularly original or creative. Suggest you offer some alternative ideas and/or help plan something. If he's stubborn about it, that's an entirely different issue.

 

Anniversaries are overrated... especially the first ones. People put pressure and attach meaning to such insignificant things and then it results in unnecessary conflict. All the checking of the posts where the bf was tagged in by his ex, keeping tabs on it, then wasting energy on getting upset as if that winery is already marked by that other girl and you can't possibly enjoy the time there. Oh, and she's good looking and successful, so there's plain envy involved also.

All those little things will add up and worsen the quality of the relationship.

[Mx12345]

Anniversaries are overrated... especially the first ones. People put pressure and attach meaning to such insignificant things and then it results in unnecessary conflict.

 

Maybe anniversaries are overrated to you, but that's not the case with everyone. Prior to this argument, both myself and my boyfriend were very excited to be celebrating one year together. This is the longest relationship Ive had in five years, so this means a lot to me. From his previous comments, it means a lot to my boyfriend as well. Anniversaries arent needless or silly, they are a milestone to many people that in this dating world of complete flakes, you've managed to find someone who not only you care about, but who cares about you as well, and you're both looking for the same thing and want to share life together.

A previous poster hit the nail on the head. This isn't just a random date, its our anniversary, so id like to go somewhere he hasn't been on another date. This doesn't apply to every day life. Just before thanksgiving we went to a restaurant together that we had not been together before. Somehow he mentioned the last time he was there he was on a date. I laughed and said the last time I was there I was on a date as well. We both laughed. Its not that we cant ever go somewhere where hes been before with another woman. Its that for a special occasion, like our anniversary, id like to not go to the exact same spot he went with his most recent serious ex girlfriend.

 

As far as the facebook thing goes, people seem to get the impression that I keep tabs on her or keep going back to his old stuff? When we first started dating I looked at his stuff, though not in tons of detail, and saw his ex gf still had him tagged in many photos. Maybe about five months later I looked again in greater detail, because of something he said. I saw then there were two wineries (two very popular wineries that are very common to go to in our area) that they had many pictures at, at different times (suggesting they went there a few different times together). Maybe other people have trouble remembering things, I guess I don't.

[TheFinalWord]

I hate to tell you this, but most men aren't that romantic. Once they find something that works, they tend to do it over and over again.

 

But I don't see a winery as even anything that original. That's like you getting mad because he wants to go to the same restaurant as he and his ex went to. Maybe he will get mad at you because you wore the same color shirt as you wore with your ex. I mean, does everything you two do have to original with each new person?

 

The problem is you snooped and so now you are constantly comparing yourself against this other person. He's with you, not her. If you didn't do a search on his facebook you would be enjoying your one-year anniversary. But instead you are allowing jealousy to ruin the experience. He is kinda dumb for not untagging himself as most people snoop social media.

 

Sorry, but this is primarily in your head.

Edited November 29, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[Lorenza]

Maybe anniversaries are overrated to you, but that's not the case with everyone. Prior to this argument, both myself and my boyfriend were very excited to be celebrating one year together. This is the longest relationship Ive had in five years, so this means a lot to me. From his previous comments, it means a lot to my boyfriend as well. Anniversaries arent needless or silly, they are a milestone to many people that in this dating world of complete flakes, you've managed to find someone who not only you care about, but who cares about you as well, and you're both looking for the same thing and want to share life together.

A previous poster hit the nail on the head. This isn't just a random date, its our anniversary, so id like to go somewhere he hasn't been on another date. This doesn't apply to every day life. Just before thanksgiving we went to a restaurant together that we had not been together before. Somehow he mentioned the last time he was there he was on a date. I laughed and said the last time I was there I was on a date as well. We both laughed. Its not that we cant ever go somewhere where hes been before with another woman. Its that for a special occasion, like our anniversary, id like to not go to the exact same spot he went with his most recent serious ex girlfriend.

 

As far as the facebook thing goes, people seem to get the impression that I keep tabs on her or keep going back to his old stuff? When we first started dating I looked at his stuff, though not in tons of detail, and saw his ex gf still had him tagged in many photos. Maybe about five months later I looked again in greater detail, because of something he said. I saw then there were two wineries (two very popular wineries that are very common to go to in our area) that they had many pictures at, at different times (suggesting they went there a few different times together). Maybe other people have trouble remembering things, I guess I don't.

 

What I mean is that there is no reason to put such huge pressure on symbolical things that don't really define the relationship - you have a great relationship, but just because of something you've created in your head you ended up yelling at your boyfriend and getting all worked up because of it. Nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your milestones in a relationship, but it's not worth confining yourself to a specific idea of how the other person has to act, because you will end up ruining it for yourself. Like in this case, you expected your boyfriend to know he's not supposed to do some specific activities on your anniversary, while it was completely ok for him. He can't know exactly how you feel about some things.

Maybe someone else can explain it better.

[Kelliousme]

Come on.. I'm sure A LOT of people like to stalk others on FB. I sure do and I admit to it

 

First of all, you guys need to come down to a specific date for the anniversary. Obviously since you guys became exclusive in Feb, then just make it in Feb. As for this whole ordeal, I think it's not a big deal.

 

OP, you have the right to be angry. You're not being irrational. But you let your emotions get the best of you. I've taken my new partner to the same restaurant I've been to with my EX. It's my favorite restaurant and I would love to go with my new partner. Sure, I've had memories there with my EX, but I would not give up going to that restaurant just because of that. As for the winery, if it's your bf's hobby and what's something he REALLY enjoys and really loves, I don't see the problem here. Maybe you should suggest going somewhere else for your anniversary, somewhere that belongs just to you two. But also suggest that you guys can go to the winery some other time.

[Lorenza]

Come on.. I'm sure A LOT of people like to stalk others on FB. I sure do and I admit to it

 

 

 

Best to not add your SO on Facebook..

[Kelliousme]

Best to not add your SO on Facebook..

 

We have each other on FB. Honestly, I don't get why it's such a big deal to some people like you. I mean, OP's bf posted things on FB (it's social media for god sakes). How do you post things on FB and expect NO ONE to look at it. Isn't that weird? Then just don't make a FB account at all. My SO stalked my FB when he missed me during my vacation. He'll look at my posts and my pictures. I don't find that odd at all. I suppose people think differently.

 

I can understand why OP was looking through her bf's BF and stalking her BF's ex-gf. She's just curious, esp when her BF doesn't talk much about his ex. She was simply looking through social media, things people post for everyone else to see (either public or for friends). As long as she didn't hack into her BF's account or go on his phone without his consent/read his diary etc, I don't see a problem here.

[smackie9]

All I can say is "YIKES" you can't be serious! He wanted to go to those wineries because he really enjoyed going there...has nothing to do with his ex or wanting to revisit his feelings about her. Guys are not that complex and you are reading waaaaaay too much into this.

 

 

 

About the pizza thing.....it's simple, he likes the activity, not because he did it with his ex. That's not where his mind is at....just things he likes to do period. Gosh did you make him get a new mattress too because him and his ex had sex on it??? opps I hope I didn't give you any ideas.

 

 

 

Now he knows you have been FB lurking, and used your findings against him in a rage....it's no wonder he's upset. I don't blame him.

 

 

 

You could have approached this is a mature manner, and made a compromise by SUGGESTING rationally not posting the pizza thing on FB because it would look silly doing the same thing as the ex did. Maybe try something similar but different...make it ours. Just like the winery deal, he picks out a couple, you pick out a couple, and don't sweat that the ex was at those ones. This isn't your wedding anniversary for crying out loud...it was just your first date.

 

 

 

If you don't like his way of thinking, just kick him to the curb and find someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, OP, you asked us this question: "But am I being irrational? is this really a minor thing and I'm making it out to be bigger than it is?"

 

My answer? Yes, to both of the above.

 

However, I very much get the impression that you are not actually open to hearing anything that disagrees with your opinion. You have refuted all of us who have felt that, yes, you are overreacting.

 

Fair enough. You don't need to make your case to us. Clearly, your boyfriend is the one who now disagrees with you. He's likely looking at you the way several of us here are, unfortunately: overly jealous and digging around for dirt on him.

 

I think the big problem is that you admit you got "very upset" when he brought up going to these wineries, and then yelled at him that you learned he went there with his ex. What response did you really think you would get with that approach?

 

You need to learn to communicate your insecurity and anger in a much more mature way if you want to get the results you're seeking. The way you're going about it ain't working.

[Mx12345]

However, I very much get the impression that you are not actually open to hearing anything that disagrees with your opinion. You have refuted all of us who have felt that, yes, you are overreacting.

 

Fair enough. You don't need to make your case to us. Clearly, your boyfriend is the one who now disagrees with you. He's likely looking at you the way several of us here are, unfortunately: overly jealous and digging around for dirt on him.

 

 

Actually the only two things I refuted is when someone called me creepy for looking at my OWN boyfriends tagged photos on two different occasions. Honestly, my boyfriend and I have maybe three pictures with each other on facebook, because neither of us use it THAT often. So when someone says "OMG you're SOOO creepy for looking at your boyfriends tagged photos from three years ago" yeah I'm going to refute that. I have a history degree and maybe just a knack for remembering things better than most people. If remembering he went to a certain winery multiple times with his ex is creepy then the definition of acting creepy needs to be revised.

 

The other thing I refuted was when someone tried to say anniversaries were overrated and insignificant. I disagree with that and made it known.

 

I however stand by my original post that for a FIRST YEAR anniversary, I don't want to go somewhere that was obviously a special place for them. Everyone else that has offered completely drawn out, exaggerated scenarios like me making him buy a new mattress or never vacation to the same city, or try the same restaurant are just people who take one small part of your post and offer the most extreme scenario to make you out to be crazy person. That's the problem with these boards, every sits back at home on their keyboard and judges a person they never met as completely irrational because one time they had a fight with their boyfriend and yelled at them in an emotional state (which btw has never happened before in almost a year together) and not one person mentions that he TOO might have been irrational by trying to nix the whole anniversary because he obviously holds resentment that I went on a few dates when him and I weren't exclusive.

 

I read what everyone writes and internalize it. I only comment to the people that call me creepy or say anniversaries don't mean much.

[ExpatInItaly]

Okay, OP, I just took a look at your posting history about your boyfriend and your relationship. This fight over your anniversary is the tip of the iceberg in terms of the shaky history here.

 

We have this:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/656765-friendship-inappropriate

 

And: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/659651-i-dont-want-waste-my-time

 

And: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=659781

 

And: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/660785-having-access-sos-phone

 

There is pattern here, girl. This recent fight and you yelling at him now seems less about the anniversary itself, and a lot more about your building unhappiness, frustration and general mistrust in him and your relationship. Your fears have been mounting, your anxiety building up, and the damn has burst. I am not suggesting this is all your fault (or his) but clearly you have worried for quite some time that he does not take you seriously and isn't as into you as you are into him.

 

I think it's time to sit him down for a really open conversation about where things stand between you and whether you're actually working towards a common future goal together. Don't be afraid to hear what he says, even if it's not what you hoped.

[Lorenza]

That is exactly why I made that comment about first anniversaries - if it's all shaky, unclear, with a lot of issues and insecurities, one year together isn't a huge achievement, cause clearly you got to this milestone by compromising on your own needs. I'm not telling you how to feel about your anniversary at all, just giving a perspective, so you don't have to tell me anniversaries are important to you, I understand you and it's OK. What I mean is: think of how you two got here - smoothly, or through a lot of small issues, yelling at each other and being insecure. Cause in that case the relationship can still crumble just very easily at this point.