Is this friendship inappropriate?

[Mx12345]

I would like to start by saying that I have been cheated on three times in previous relationships. The last guy I only dated for three months but we ended partly because he had 1400 facebooks "friends" who were all attractive women in our area and he would always like their selfies. (we also ended because my best friend found him on Match after we agreed to be exclusive.)

 

So I want to know if I am carrying over past insecurities and baggage or if this friendship my boyfriend has is inappropriate.

 

Him and this girl play on a sports co-ed team together. She only started playing on the team in February however. So she is not a female friend hes had for many years. Him and I have been dating for 6 months. He has never given me ANY reason to not trust him. He has many female friends who I have met, some single, some not, but this is the only one I get a bad vibe from.

 

I noticed the first three times I met her she completely ignored me and didn't say a word to me. These were group settings with the other team members. Now I know I could have made more of an effort to speak to her, but these were the first times I was meeting this group who all knew each other. I was still learning everyones name and everyone spouse's and SO's names. Everyone else spoke to me, asked me questions about myself, one girl who has been friends with my boyfriend for a few years asked how we met and showed an interest. After the third time of me being around this group I noticed she never talked to me which I thought was weird. So on the third time I asked her how she was liking the co-ed sports league since it was her first season playing. She said very quickly and very coldly "Ive actually played before on a different team, I'm not new." and kind of walked away.

 

During this time my boyfriend and I were still very new (3 months in) and while I noticed her behavior I was too smitten with my new relationship and I didn't let it bother me. After the cold response to my question though I found her on my boyfriends IG. My boyfriend is rarely on Instagram. In fact in six months of dating he's only ever liked one picture of mine that I posted. When I went to her profile though I noticed that since they've been IG friends hes liked 7 of the 10 pictures shes posted. A few of which were selfies of her. This bothered me (esp since he never likes my stuff) but I decided I didn't want to be "that girl" Jealous, insecure, and upset that my otherwise amazing boyfriend was liking some girls photos. Everything was really great and I didn't want to let this trivial thing ruin my happiness.

 

Fast forward to now. Him and his co-ed team have a group snapchat going that he is always on. no big deal. But Ive noticed lately (or maybe I'm just paying attention more than before) but him and her snap chat each other all the time. They are both on group chat, but she will snap chat him separately, out of the group, and he will snap her too. Its gotten to the point where when his snapchat notification goes off I glance over and its always her! This past weekend we were up early so in the middle of the afternoon we took a nap. I woke up at one point and he was on his phone. he didn't realize I had woke up and he was watching her Instagram stories and then went straight to watching her Snapchat stories. He didn't stay on IG, he watched her story then went straight to his snapchat where she had sent him some snaps.

 

I'm starting to get a sick feeling everytime I hear his snapchat go off. Every other part of our relationship is perfect. But I feel its inappropriate that they communicate so much. they have the group Snapchat going, why send each other snaps separately? When I thought I was being insecure and letting my anxiety consume this, I checked his other really good female friends IG. He's been friends with her for a few years and shes always nice to me. She also had a boyfriend. My boyfriend hasn't liked a single thing of hers in months. I also never see her snap chat him.

 

Am I overreacting? If I'm not how do I bring this up? This is the best relationship Ive had in five years. I don't want to ruin it. But this girl and their social media habits are consuming me. I don't want to accuse him of anything. What should I do?

[Madd_hatter]

So many red flags here. Her ignoring you and acting cold when you tried to talk to her is a huge sign that she likes him. Him constantly snap chatting with her plus liking all her pics? No.. this need to be addressed. I believe he likes the attention he gets from her. Probably hasn’t cheated but if he keeps fanning the flames she will come onto him and he will bite for sure.

 

If he cares about you and values the relationship as you do, ask him to cool it with her a little and he should honor that. If he doesn’t then I’m sorry to say, but it sounds like bad news and maybe he’s not as perfect as you think.

 

Best wishes.

[smackie9]

It's turning into something emotional for sure. You definitely need to talk to him about it. Just as he is getting defensive, put it into perspective for him and say if you were SC a lot with some other guy how would he feel about it. This is called setting boundaries. If he doesn't see it that way, you may want to take those rose coloured glasses off and take a good look at whether you are going to continue with this relationship or not.

[Mx12345]

Ugh I wish she would just go away. We have such a great new relationship, but as soon as his SC notification goes off I get in such a funk.

Since this weekend, Ive had TWO dreams that he has cheated on me with her.

 

I hate bringing up stuff like this for the first time. I have no idea how he will react. Will he be defensive? Will he think I'm insecure and think less of me? Will he try to hide stuff going forward? I feel like by bringing it up, its the beginning of the end. I wish she would just start dating someone and leave my boyfriend alone.

[Zahara]

Ugh I wish she would just go away. We have such a great new relationship, but as soon as his SC notification goes off I get in such a funk.

Since this weekend, Ive had TWO dreams that he has cheated on me with her.

 

I hate bringing up stuff like this for the first time. I have no idea how he will react. Will he be defensive? Will he think I'm insecure and think less of me? Will he try to hide stuff going forward? I feel like by bringing it up, its the beginning of the end. I wish she would just start dating someone and leave my boyfriend alone.

 

It's takes two, OP. Don't just wish her away when your boyfriend is an active participant. He can easily put a stop to it but he isn't and defensiveness is usually a sign of guilt.

 

If you can't have open communication with your partner, then there is no relationship. If he treasures you and the relationship, he will listen, he will communicate and he will compromise and prioritize your feelings and the relationship.

 

If he doesn't then you have your answer. It's better to know now, then later. So don't sit quiet and hope it will just go away.