doyathinkso Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 You know that you and your 'wife' are teaching the kids how to live their own lives. They learn by watching your role-modelling. Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking that being a cheating skunk (swap the u for an a) is okay? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking that "Them there poop sandwiches sure are tasty. Hand me another one of them dear." Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 She also told me she wants to remain friends with him. That feels like she has chooser him over me. It's pretty clear she's cheating, but even Stevie wonder can see this is the smoking gun right here. Any partner who respects you would never put a friend who has displayed this level of compromise ahead of their spouse's security. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 She's a serial cheater. You can't fix her. Stay and be a martyr for your kids but that's a doormat life. Guess what? The only one keeping you in this is yourself. It's a shame that garbage can do that to you twice and still take your money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 It's a shame that garbage can do that to you twice and still take your money. I realize the children did nothing wrong, but I would divorce, give her full custody, pay the court ordered support and not a penny more, and get a new life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I realize the children did nothing wrong, but I would divorce, give her full custody, pay the court ordered support and not a penny more, and get a new life. Sooo abandon the kids then???...... yeah because I'm sure she will be a great rolemodel.... not. WTF is with this comment? Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Now that your wife is a proven serial cheater, the only real question is if she has cheated and you didn’t catch her. Do a DNA test on your kids to see if they are really yours and to show her you no longer believe anything she says. Talk to your lawyer. Some states are very harsh on cheaters in divorce. Know your rights. Have you informed the company they work for? What about his wife? She deserves to know he may be bringing home diseases. Have your self checked for stds too!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Coming from a serial cheater, she won't stop until something/someone stop her. My husband kept forgiving me and took me back. It wasn't until I got pregnant from an affair, and separated, that I realized, that this wasn't the life I wanted. The shame, the heartache, and so many other factors made me take my head out of my ass. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Now that your wife is a proven serial cheater, the only real question is if she has cheated and you didn’t catch her. Do a DNA test on your kids to see if they are really yours and to show her you no longer believe anything she says. Talk to your lawyer. Some states are very harsh on cheaters in divorce. Know your rights. Have you informed the company they work for? What about his wife? She deserves to know he may be bringing home diseases. Have your self checked for stds too!!!! The thing about informing the company she works for, he should really check to see if he lives in an at-fault state or not. Because if he lives in a state where infidelity doesn't make a difference, if she gets fired, he could be on the hook to paying alimony. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I realize the children did nothing wrong, but I would divorce, give her full custody, pay the court ordered support and not a penny more, and get a new life. What kind of advice is this? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I personally think you should go see a lawyer and line out your path to divorcing her. She clearly never learned and on top of that her telling you she wants to stay friends with him is stating she is not done cheating. Even if you took this as a joke as she stated what person that cheated in there right mind would thing that there BS would find this even remotely appropriate or funny. People that really want to better themselves after they have cheated learn firm boundaries with people outside the marriage or relationship. I know divorcing is difficult. I had four children. Two older ones I already had custody of and two younger ones. I work full time in IT. I know this isn't something you can take lightly but I also know staying wont help. I stayed with my xW for ten years. She cheated all throughout those years. I worried about my children and if I would be able to get custody of my younger two kids. It took time but I did win and I walked away with almost everything in the divorce. She was upset but in the end she signed. My kids were upset at first but it wasn't long before it was clear to me that I wasn't the only one abused. They lit and started doing really great in school. They made new friends and we worked through it. Figure out your best way to get out and use everything you can to make it happen. Your children will be far better off seeing one parent healthy and happy. I wish you the best in your choice. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Not making any emotional decisions until the pain settles down. Not making impulsive decisions is one thing. Being frozen and afraid to act out of fear is the complete other side of the spectrum. You need to be in a divorce attorneys office like yesterday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) Sooo abandon the kids then???...... yeah because I'm sure she will be a great rolemodel.... not. WTF is with this comment? She is going to be their role model if you like it or not. The mother’s adultry is not grounds to award custody to the father. If someone at this point is going to go out and date and have fun, it would be me, not the adulteress mother. Edited November 28, 2018 by Simple Logic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Hi Folks, I think DM is looking for advice on how to maintain status quo as far as his marital situation is concerned. He does not want to hear what almost everyone is telling him. I would think that he seems to believe in the adage "Let sleeping dogs lie". He hasn't responded in any positive manner to any of the posts that people have made on his thread except for thanking folks on here for their advice. I may be wrong but he does not seem to be the kind of person who is prepared to take any proactive measures to get out of infidelity in spite of being deeply hurt. Wish him the best in these circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 What kind of advice is this? Sound advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Sound advice. [references this posters prior reply which said to give the wife full custody with no argument] There's never a good reason for a guy to just roll over and give his wife full custody of the children- at least not until they've gone the legal route and he has no other option. Unless of course he doesn't care about having a relationship with his children and he has no problem paying the higher child support that goes along with seeing them less often. Which is rather unlikely. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I realize the children did nothing wrong, but I would divorce, give her full custody, pay the court ordered support and not a penny more, and get a new life. Simple Logic, your severe emotional pain has been noticed and I hope you get all professional help you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Asw27 Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 I think no one has mentioned something that anyone with a bit of experience on "cheater talk" knows : "we kissed a few times" surely means "we have sex often". There are very very few exceptions to this. Link to post Share on other sites
YoungCandy Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 (edited) Recently discovered messages on wife wifeÂ’s phone that had messages like I want to suck on you nipples or bury my face in your chest. She was sending things like want to meet up at the McDonaldÂ’s car park in 15 minutes or the guy saying he wants to spend a good amount of time with her and she acknowledges it and says I know letÂ’s meet up. They also made plans to meet up over the weekend where she was going to tell em she was going shopping. This guy is from her work. I should also mention 10 years ago she cheated on me in her last job with another guy from her work. However this time we have two kids in the mix. What really hurts me is we are 32 and the guy from her work this time is 55! ****ing 55! I confronted her at home and asked her if she was cheating on me, she obviously said no, I gave her 10 chances to come clean and each time it was no. It wasnÂ’t until I gave her the evidence that she partial came clean. She keeps telling me they are just friends and those messages are just jokes. How are these jokes, who jokes about this ****? She reckons they have just kissed a few times but I donÂ’t know. She keeps telling me IÂ’m over reacting to the messages. Am I? Well, my wife also had cheated on me, twice at least. I know exactly what kind of reaction she would have and how would you feel when you keep discovering new facts that she's still lying. You feel betrayed again and again yet still being toyed around by her like a fool. It's a terrible feeling. Since you're here, I think you pathis is believe here its because you want to look for ways to mend not to end the marriage, or at least not right away. I was in your shoes less than a year ago. From the first time I saw sexting on wife's phone, it took me more than two full years to get to the point she finally had to admit she in fact was having multiple affairs. Even now, I am still discovering some small details of her past affairs from time to time. Cheaters never come clean completely. You have to accept the fact that there will be something you'd never find out and she would rather take it into the coffin with her. Admitting something like this to your partner is extremely humiliating and women often tend to deny, deny and deny some more even in front of hard evidence. "Sex talks are just jokes", "nude photos are for fun", "we talked and kissed but never have sex", "you're over reacting there was nothing sexual"... I am sure you have heard all these before. It might sound hard to imagine, but you should be prepared to accept that she has probably ****ed the other guy in every possible way. Meanwhile, you should also recognize that lying is just part of human nature. Her reaction like this is totally normal please don't take it liek its something out of ordinary. Edited November 29, 2018 by YoungCandy Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Hi YoungCandy, are you still with your wife after all her cheating episodes or have you/are planning to, divorced/divorce her? I don't know, maybe you have the equanimity to be able to accept her cheating ways and be able to move ahead but with what you've written I would not be surprised if she is unfaithful down the road all over again. I am sure that would hurt you a lot. To add to what I have said I do recognize that sometimes, a WS is able to see the damage they have caused in all it's totality and the awful pain that they have caused their BS and they are then truly remorseful and able to do all the so called heavy lifting to help their spouses to heal from the effects of their betrayal. However, such cases are few and far between. In most cases the matter is swept under the rug and the issues never really dealt with to the satisfaction of the BS. In such cases the wound keeps festering and then down the line, a time comes when the BS is no more able to handle the resulting trauma and bails on the marriage. Just something to keep in mind. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Why does she cheat? Because she's bored of her life as a married women with children. She maybe doing it because of low self esteem like my friend, or she's addicted to the thrill of the chase, the passion, the taboo, the excitement, it makes her feel alive having this secret life. The only thing you can do is request couple's counseling and see where it takes you. It's possible she needs therapy to sort out why she does what she does. Secondly, if you want to make an impact on her about her behavior, is to catch her in the act. You should have gone to see what was happening on their next meetup. You can also contact the man she is fooling around with. That will probably snuff out his interest. You knowing takes away that thrill of it being a secret because that's all this is based on and nothing more...maybe find out if he has a wife and contact her too. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Simple Logic, your severe emotional pain has been noticed and I hope you get all professional help you need. Emotional pain? I have never been divorced or cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
YoungCandy Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Hi YoungCandy, are you still with your wife after all her cheating episodes or have you/are planning to, divorced/divorce her? I don't know, maybe you have the equanimity to be able to accept her cheating ways and be able to move ahead but with what you've written I would not be surprised if she is unfaithful down the road all over again. I am sure that would hurt you a lot. To add to what I have said I do recognize that sometimes, a WS is able to see the damage they have caused in all it's totality and the awful pain that they have caused their BS and they are then truly remorseful and able to do all the so called heavy lifting to help their spouses to heal from the effects of their betrayal. However, such cases are few and far between. In most cases the matter is swept under the rug and the issues never really dealt with to the satisfaction of the BS. In such cases the wound keeps festering and then down the line, a time comes when the BS is no more able to handle the resulting trauma and bails on the marriage. Just something to keep in mind. Best wishes. I am still with wife and we made up with each other. However, we have been become further apart emotionally ever since and it feels like there is always an invisible wall in between. We talk a lot less other than functional conversations and have been continued like this for more than a year. She is indifferent most of the time but would act more involved and caring from time. She told me things will never go back to the way they were before but she is happy with the current situation and want to stay in the marriage with me. We do have some happy moments together, but like you said all the issues are just swept under a rug. At least on my part, they have not been properly dealt with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 There's never a good reason for a guy to just roll over and give his wife full custody of the children- at least not until they've gone the legal route and he has no other option. Unless of course he doesn't care about having a relationship with his children and he has no problem paying the higher child support that goes along with seeing them less often. I think not wanting anything to do with the children and leaving it all to the cheating spouse is exactly the point Simple Logic was making. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Your wife has little to no respect for you. Honestly, unless you divorce her you may find you end up with little or no respect for yourself. Rug sweeping will damage you in ways you can not yet see. That is a very real danger here. Tell her you respect yourself too much to put up with her foolishness and you will be telling everyone the truth when asked. The truth shall set you free. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 cheat on me once shame on u. cheat on again shame on you as saying goes. show her the door its not worth it Link to post Share on other sites
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