d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 SerPundnes In the OPs shoes I'd be upset about the lying & irresponsible behavior. My husband likes to party; sometimes I'm with him. Other times I'm happy to go home & leave him to have a good time. If he routinely told me he'd be home at a certain time & showed up 4 hours later I'd be pissed. Plus I would not tolerate somebody who drives for a living putting lives & his career including his half of the rent at risk because he goes to work 3 hours after partying all night. This is more then he just wants to hang with his boys. You can do that & still be responsible. This guy is compounding the problem by being cavalier when she's worried. It may be an insurmountable incompatibility. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 It is easy to say "go to sleep" when my mind won't. If your partner knew that this really bothers you I think it's kindness to take 30 second to message that one will be late son I can sleep soundly and get up for work the next morning without being exhausted. Yes it's possible to go to bed and fall asleep when your BF is out and not worry about a thing, but for that you need to be in a *good* relationship, you need to have complete *trust* in each other, you need to have history of respect and you don't have that with him. Once the trust is broken in a relationship it RARELY comes back. Have you considered that taking pictures of women's behind without their agreement is sexual harassment? do you realize your boyfriend has no respect for you but also no respect for women in general! This man could get in trouble with the law and lose his job like this! And what will you do when he is caught for sexual harassment? You'll stand by him because 'you love him'. In your heart of woman, when does it become too much disrespect to go on? I have a friend like you, she found tons of stuff on her BF's phone. She confronted him, he swore he won't do it again. Fast forward, he does it again, same promises, fast forward ...again. Till one day he got found guilty of sexual harassment at his work and lost his job, had to face court......suddenly my friend realized she should have dumped him the very first time she found those pictures. Now was 4 years later, they had just bought a house and she lost a lot of money in this. If it crawls like a snake and whistles like a snake then chances are it's a snake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 Oh no, that is total BS. If you discover that the man you are dating is sexually or physically abusive, you don’t say “It’s too late. I love him now and I can’t walk away...” That’s not an answer from a woman who has any kind of self respect. You are dating a man who is a sexual predator. The time to leave is now, not when his behavior escalates and you are married, with two kids, and you are financially depdneantbon him. If I was you, I would ask for my money back from that Counsellor. She did you a real disservice by allowing you believe that this could be fixed. She should have told you to run... I totally agree with you and would advise anyone else to end the relationship, I just find It so hard to walk away as he always tells me things will change. We fight about these issues and eventually he concedes he is wrong and it won't happen again. Self doubt is a problem as I don't know if I am right to be pissed off by him being out late etc. Would you say sexual predator? He has insisted it was a mistake and he stopped taking those photos and has never acted upon it. Or cheated. The counsellor really didn't make a huge issue of it and I was totally surprised (the second one actually) very much down played it and just told him he needs to stop that behaviour then carried on to deal with how we get along as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
SerPundnes Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 SerPundnes In the OPs shoes I'd be upset about the lying & irresponsible behavior. My husband likes to party; sometimes I'm with him. Other times I'm happy to go home & leave him to have a good time. If he routinely told me he'd be home at a certain time & showed up 4 hours later I'd be pissed. Plus I would not tolerate somebody who drives for a living putting lives & his career including his half of the rent at risk because he goes to work 3 hours after partying all night. This is more then he just wants to hang with his boys. You can do that & still be responsible. This guy is compounding the problem by being cavalier when she's worried. It may be an insurmountable incompatibility. I've read some more now. Theres like 4 - 5 new posts before I'm done with writing mine, so didn't read everything here beforehand. Lying & irresponsible behavior is something else than what I was thinking of for sure. He's not a guy like me who just enjoys bar nights with his friends. This guy has some growing up to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 The voyeur pics I have a really big concern over. She didn't mention them till later. That greatly changed my perspective of him. I agree with you PWR as it shocked me. I nearly ended it and he told me he didn't deserve me and he was ashamed. We took a break and he came back promising it would never happen again. But it's very hard to rebuild trust or not wonder who he is looking at / chatting up / or what photos may be taken when he's not out and drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 A man that is done with his buddies? You can't expect your boyfriend to dump his friends for you? If so, that's not healthy!. I have never said that, I am saying when a 'boy' becomes a 'man' he handles his friends and his relationship with them in a more mature way. It's not always about getting wasted in clubs with women hanging around them. My BF has male friends, sure he will go out with them but he will also get together for dinners, bbq, do sports, go to political events and whatsnot. It's not only about getting dead drunk together. That's for 19 years old. A man that is done with drinking? I knew there were a minimum age for drinking, but not a maximum age? Again, when a boy becomes a man he doesn't get back home totally wasted, he knows what is his limit of alcohol and he respects his personal limits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) If it crawls like a snake and whistles like a snake then chances are it's a snake. Thanks for sharing. I know exactly what you mean, I guess I just always hope that won't be me and he would stop that behaviour and we would rebuild the trust and be happy. I appreciate your advice! Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Pared down the quote ~ V Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I agree with you PWR as it shocked me. I nearly ended it and he told me he didn't deserve me and he was ashamed. We took a break and he came back promising it would never happen again. But it's very hard to rebuild trust or not wonder who he is looking at / chatting up / or what photos may be taken when he's not out and drunk. ..said every alcholic, said every cheater, said every drug user, said every sex addict, said every compulsive liar, said every..... How old are you? Would this man be good enough for your sister or your mother? Would you like to see them with a man like this? If it's not good enough for your sister/mom/best friend why is it good enough for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 ..said every alcholic, said every cheater, said every drug user, said every sex addict, said every compulsive liar, said every..... How old are you? Would this man be good enough for your sister or your mother? Would you like to see them with a man like this? If it's not good enough for your sister/mom/best friend why is it good enough for you? I am 34. And no I wouldn't be happy with this behaviour for them... People don't change their ways seems to be the common consensus.. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 A man that is done with his buddies? You can't expect your boyfriend to dump his friends for you? If so, that's not healthy! A man that is done with drinking? I knew there were a minimum age for drinking, but not a maximum age? Taking naked pictures I'd have to agree on. BUT do not think every guy out there takes naked pictures, or even have them on their phones. Some are pervs. Nobody is saying that he can’t drink or go out with his friends. That said, most women don’t want to date a grown man who acts like an irresponsible frat boy. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I am 34. And no I wouldn't be happy with this behaviour for them... People don't change their ways seems to be the common consensus.. You are 34? How old is this man? Wow - I would have thought you were in your late teens/early 20’s... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 You are 34? How old is this man? Wow - I would have thought you were in your late teens/early 20’s... Yes 34! We are together 2.5 years and he is 32. Why did you think younger? I'll take the compliment though Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I am 34. And no I wouldn't be happy with this behaviour for them... People don't change their ways seems to be the common consensus.. It is the consensus, some of us are much older, been in many relationships, and we've learn the hard way that people don't change who they are at the core. A man can change little things for you, he can stop putting the peanut butter in the fridge, he can put the toilet seat down, he can accept to watch chick flicks on Saturday night but he won't stop being abusive, disrespectful, addicted, insensitive, uncaring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Yes 34! We are together 2.5 years and he is 32. You came across as a naive woman of 20 years old. I don't know any women of 34 that would endure what your boyfriend is doing. At your age a woman wants a solid man in her life, one she can build a future and a home with. Is he your first boyfriend? Your boyfriend don't act his age, he acts like a teen boy who just got allowed into bars. If he acts this way at 32 he's not about to change, men usually give up on that type of life style much earlier. At his age men want to advance their carrier, build assets, and think of having children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Your boyfriend don't act his age, he acts like a teen boy who just got allowed into bars. If he acts this way at 32 he's not about to change, men usually give up on that type of life style much earlier. At his age men want to advance their carrier, build assets, and think of having children. ..nor do they surreptitiously photograph random women's bums... Poppy, what on earth are you thinking? You at 34 can't afford to waste another second on this guy... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) You came across as a naive woman of 20 years old. I don't know any women of 34 that would endure what your boyfriend is doing. At your age a woman wants a solid man in her life, one she can build a future and a home with. Is he your first boyfriend? Your boyfriend don't act his age, he acts like a teen boy who just got allowed into bars. If he acts this way at 32 he's not about to change, men usually give up on that type of life style much earlier. At his age men want to advance their carrier, build assets, and think of having children. I agree that he doesn't act his age but on the other hand owns his own apartment, gets frustrated with me as he wants to buy a house and have children and I want to travel some of the world first. I didn't realise that I come across as naive, he is certainly not my first boyfriend I have had many and one other long term relationship in my mid 20s of 4 years. Maybe I'm too soft and let him away with things and put up with things. But I love him and want to make it work. I can't bear to think of ending it, it upsets me so much. But I know I would be ok after some time. Edited November 21, 2018 by PoppyP Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Yes 34! We are together 2.5 years and he is 32. Why did you think younger? I'll take the compliment though I would have guessed younger because most women in their 30’s who have been in a bad relationship has learned this lesson already and they have raised their standards - they have learned that trust is important in a relationship, he can say he will “change” all he wants but his behavior is inexcusable, and they deserve more from a life partner... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 He also had taken photos of women's bums without their knowledge on a constant basis, randomly in public and described it as almost a compulsion. This, makes him a sexual predator. What he is doing is a criminal act, for which he could be criminally charged. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PoppyP Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 I would have guessed younger because most women in their 30’s who have been in a bad relationship has learned this lesson already and they have raised their standards - they have learned that trust is important in a relationship, he can say he will “change” all he wants but his behavior is inexcusable, and they deserve more from a life partner... Ok Bailey. Duly noted Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Ok Bailey. Duly noted Would you consider returning for some individual counselling? I’m concerned that you don’t think you can leave this relationship... that’s not a healthy thought to have. You will be ok if you chose to leave - of course you will be ok! You are strong and you will learn that you are more resilient than you think! The bottom line - you deserve a man who will love you and treat you with respect. This guy isn’t the one. Marrying him and having children with him would be the worst decision you could ever make - it would set your life on a path that will take you years to recover. Get out now! You deserve so much more than this... hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 The bottom line - you deserve a man who will love you and treat you with respect. This guy isn’t the one. Marrying him and having children with him would be the worst decision you could ever make - it would set your life on a path that will take you years to recover. Get out now! You deserve so much more than this... hugs. Agreed 10000% Get out, and go see some of the world. You only get one life. Two screaming toddlers and one on the way and a guy who is out "partying" till 4am... Every woman's dream... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I assumed younger because you used the phrase "school night." He is telling you that he wants to settle down, buy a house & have kids because he knows that is what you want to hear & him saying that will cause you to stay. He is not responsible enough to make a phone call. What kind of a father do you think that will make him? Whoops I couldn't pick up the kids because I'm out with my friends. If he goes to work under the influence, how can you trust him to drive a car with your kids in it? There is a reason endangering the welfare of a child by driving drunk with a kid in the car is a crime. Do you want to raise sons with a pervert who takes upskirt photos? RUN! Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 this isn't about a courtesy call or text at 2am to say they are still out up to no good. what's the point? this is about your values being at odds with a man-child you have chosen to be your partner. this is about you standing up for what is and isn't right for you. if you don't want to live a life with someone who behaves the way you have described, then you and only you must stake your claim to live authentically and not be crippled by someone who clearly has different values. this is about living your life in a way where your heart and head line up. Don't try and change who you really are (or wait for them to change) for someone who behaves in a way counter to your core beliefs. You're just wasting you time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Aren't you tired of the anxiety and disrespect? First, I would not choose to date a guy that went out with his friends all the time till 4am. Even if he gave me a courtesy text. Second, add in the lack of courtesy and taking photos of other women. Yuck. If he's not cheating now, he's definitely a candidate for future cheating. This guy is not life partner / father material. He's not even bf material. Detach and un-love him. People break up with people they love all the time and go on to find better partners. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Your boyfriend is utterly gross, OP. The regular drinking and partying are not great at his age, and indicate he is no hurry to mature. That's his prerogative, though I can understand why it's not conducive to a long-lasting and stable relationship. I wouldn't care for that either, at this point in my life (37 years old here) However, that is not even your biggest concern. Taking pictures of women's behinds without their consent is predatory behaviour and it was no "mistake." It was an intentional, repeated action and it is illegal in the majority of jurisdictions. I don't care if it was a "compulsion" or if he cried and pleaded with me to stay. Preying on women is a hands-down, no-contest, absolute dealbreaker in my books. You really need to ask yourself why it isn't in yours. Love is not enough when your boyfriend is a perverted creep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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