Author augustin Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 She needs to know th future she is dreaming about will never be a reality. No one knows what she's dreaming about and it's a bit presumptuous to think how I'm involved and to what extent. She needs to know this is a fun causal thing for you, and that you will never commit to her. Not getting married does not equate to not being committed. This is so terribly unfair to her. Try not to be so overly dramatic.
Author augustin Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 Soooo as long as you're fine with the way things are... things are fine. You've said several times you've been together less than a year and haven't talked about being exclusive. However, you've booked tickets to meet the parents over the holidays... then you say it's "not my responsibility to bring up the subject of commitment..." Why is that? Would you rather let her think and behave as if you're exclusive and there's a possibility of marriage and kids with you? She may only be 24 years old but please don't be condescending as to her intelligence. She's a smart woman and can think and decide for herself. I am not "letting" her think anything. And since when does meeting the parents equate to considering marriage? It's a friendly family get-together to which I was invited. There's no assumption that I'm going to ask her father for her daughter's hand in marriage. You're letting a young woman build up fantasies in her head because you're not being clear with her. Again with the "letting". I am not letting anything. She has free will and the right to think her own thoughts.
Logo Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 I met a girl who’s 23 years my junior and we’ve been dating now for just under a year. You've been dating for just under a year? So you're not in an exclusive relationship? If she's planning on moving in together, then she's under the impression that this is more than just dating. 2
Logo Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) Again with the "letting". I am not letting anything. She has free will and the right to think her own thoughts. She's basing her decisions on the signals you're sending her. There's a good reason why she's ready for you both to move in together. Edited November 21, 2018 by Logo 3
snowboy91 Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 A lot of people are questioning why we didn’t have a discussion about kids and marriage earlier but we’ve only been together less than a year and we haven’t even talked about being exclusive with each other. I’m happy the way things are and frankly, I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to bring up the subject about commitment. Women worry about defining relationships, not men. Not so sure about that. You've defined it the way you wanted without actually saying it out loud to her. It's the responsibility of both people in the relationship to define the relationship, talk about how they're feeling about it and where they see it heading. Otherwise if you don't say anything, then you're leading someone on and wasting their (and your!) time. I guess I’m just looking for the right timing. The holidays are around the corner and we’ve already made plans and booked a hotel and flight to see her parents, then we have another flight and reservations for a vacation, and then we have New Year parties to go to… I’m thinking maybe when she mentions looking for a place together would be the time to have the talk. Unfortunately this logic doesn't work. If you wait for the right timing then you could potentially be waiting for the rest of your life. I fell into that trap for a while before breaking up with my last partner - I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. As hard as it is, you need to take decisive action on this and stick with it. 2
healing light Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 I'd love to see what her reaction would be if you admitted to her you were seeing other women prior to the summer. That means that, what? The first 6-7 months you were dating other people? Yet she's been so committed in her mind she's ready to move in with you. I have the feeling that you have both been having two different relationships in your minds. 5
Andy_K Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 No one knows what she's dreaming about and it's a bit presumptuous to think how I'm involved and to what extent. She may only be 24 years old but please don't be condescending as to her intelligence. She's a smart woman and can think and decide for herself. I am not "letting" her think anything. Have some empathy! You do not get to 47 without having at least some idea how women think. You already know from her words and actions how serious she is about this relationship. As a responsible adult you should have consideration for the feelings of someone you're in a relationship with, regardless of whether they've explicitly communicated those feelings to you. A relationship is teamwork. Not two individuals looking out for themselves. You need to look out for her feelings because you care about her, not just wait till they cause problems for you. She describes you as her boyfriend and plans to move in with you. You describe her as 'someone you've been dating for about a year'. How do you think she'd feel if she knew that? 5
Lorenza Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 A 47 guy is enjoying a relationship on his own terms with a much younger woman without being unfront with her and making up excuses for why it's not really necessary to have the talk... Yes, she might not be stupid and realise quite well that they are not on the same level, but most women expect that they can change the guy. The OP is very selfish. 4
FMW Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 We've all given you our opinions. It should be clear what the consensus is. My guess is she sees this relationship very differently than you do. It's not about her not being smart, it's about her being young and leading with her emotions. It's about her being a woman. We generally (no, not always) are more heart led in these situations, not cool and detached. My guess is she would be very surprised and hurt to know your true thoughts and feelings. 4
Mrs._December Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Try not to be so overly dramatic. This is the type of complete arrogance one needs to possess in order to take advantage of someone much younger than themselves and find it perfectly OK to do so. The selfish justifications you've used for every single thing you're doing is just unbelievable. And you need to get honest with yourself. You haven't told her your REAL views about anything because the truth is, you don't want to lose your youngin'. Your ego couldn't stand it. You got yourself a gullible young woman untouched by wrinkles or child-birth or the passing of time, untouched by age and only just beginning her life journey with just about zero life experience. Selfishly, even though you don't possess those same youthful qualities or bring them to the table, you're more than happy to rob a young person of theirs. I'm going to assume this young lady has some serious daddy issues. You've been taking advantage of her for a year now, and apparently, her father never showed up on your doorstep to teach you a little life lesson about sniffing around young women when you're old enough to be their father. There's something seriously creepy about that and I'm just amazed daddy hasn't been by to see you for a little man-to-man 'talk.' I know my husband would have been on your doorstep the second he learned all about his 24 year old daughter's middle-aged 'boyfriend.' Therefore, I'm left to assume your girlfriend has daddy issues and something's not quite right with daddy. As someone else mentioned - you're the adult in this relationship and maybe you need to start thinking with your brain and try to do the right thing by this woman, because you sure haven't so far. 4
Author augustin Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 A relationship is teamwork. Not two individuals looking out for themselves. You need to look out for her feelings because you care about her, not just wait till they cause problems for you. It's interesting and funny in a not-so-comical way how people want to believe that I'm an old selfish man wanting to take advantage of a young and helpless lass. It might make for a salacious story but it does nothing to support the intelligence, independence and integrity of young single woman in this world. She doesn't need someone to think for her, to feel for her, and to jump to conclusions for her. You really need to stop treating and thinking of her like a child and give her more respect as the adult that she is.
Author augustin Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 My guess is she would be very surprised and hurt to know your true thoughts and feelings. You think she'd be hurt to find out that I love and respect her?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 You really need to stop treating and thinking of her like a child and give her more respect as the adult that she is. You're the one who called her a girl in your first sentence of your first post. Not a woman. The fact that this did not come up before now is mind boggling to me. I'm sure her family and friends have thought about it. And yours! 1
LoverOfDance Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Lol, OP, i can't believe how avoidant you are. You are likely the most avoidant person i have ever seen. I wonder if this is one of the reasons your marriage didn't work. I've read this whole thread and all i see is you making excuse after excuse. You came here and created this thread to talk to us about something you should be talking to your girlfriend about. This thread itself is your way of avoiding actually facing and dealing with the issue. Continue running. You can't run forever though. Whatever you're running from will catch up with you eventually. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 OP, to answer your initial question about when to broach this subject, absolutely 100% you need to do it BEFORE Christmas. Unless you plan to lie when this subject (future family/kids) is broached by her parents at the Christmas dinner table, be completely transparent with her now. And don't let her tell you just what you want to hear. You could be in for an "ooops" pregnancy one day. She's so young.
Lorenza Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Yeah, the OP would rather take this topic up with a bunch of strangers on the internet than talking to the concerned person. If you weren't misleading your girlfriend, OP, she wouldn't be talking about marriage and future together. She clearly doesn't know what's on your mind which does make you guilty of giving her false hopes. When she expressed her thoughts about the future, did you stop her by saying "darling, I love and respect you, but that isn't the kind of future I'm picturing together. I want to keep it casual". If not, you're a deceptive, selfish person, sorry. It doesnt even matter that she's younger in that case 2
Andy_K Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 It's interesting and funny in a not-so-comical way how people want to believe that I'm an old selfish man wanting to take advantage of a young and helpless lass. It might make for a salacious story but it does nothing to support the intelligence, independence and integrity of young single woman in this world. She doesn't need someone to think for her, to feel for her, and to jump to conclusions for her. You really need to stop treating and thinking of her like a child and give her more respect as the adult that she is. Age is not relevant here. Let me put it this way: You know that she sees this as a serious relationship, and as such is very likely to want marriage and kids. You know that you don't want those things. You are aware of a conflict of interest. She knows what she wants, but hasn't asked you about whether you want marriage and kids. She is not aware of any conflict of interest. Do you really think it's okay to keep her in the dark about the potential conflict of interest, just because she's an adult and therefore should look out for herself? NO! She expects her loving and compassionate partner to inform her of anything he knows which would impact your future together. 4
kendahke Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 it's not my responsibility Well what part of this huge lie by omission thing that you're working here is your responsibility? 1
Lorenza Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Like I said, I will let my gf know where I stand about marriage and kids. I’m just waiting for the right time. I don’t want to put a damper on the holiday spirit so I’m thinking some time in the new year. She wants to go look at places in February so probably then. Doesn't want to put a damper on the holiday spirit, lol. For her or for yourself? Cause I don't think she'll be looking back to the holidays she spent with a man who kinda mislead her by avoiding to take up an important topic 5
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Doesn't want to put a damper on the holiday spirit, lol. For her or for yourself? Cause I don't think she'll be looking back to the holidays she spent with a man who kinda mislead her by avoiding to take up an important topic It's a coward's solution for sure. 2
Author augustin Posted November 22, 2018 Author Posted November 22, 2018 If you weren't misleading your girlfriend, OP, she wouldn't be talking about marriage and future together. This makes no sense whatsoever. And who said we were talking about marriage? She mentioned that she thinks it might be a good idea to live together. We haven't decided on anything.
Author augustin Posted November 22, 2018 Author Posted November 22, 2018 Well what part of this huge lie by omission thing that you're working here is your responsibility? You're using the term incorrectly. There is no lie as there is no misconception. This is all speculation on my part. She's never mentioned marriage nor having kids. But I'm guessing she might want to someday. When we do have the talk, of course I will let her know I am not interested in those things. 1
Author augustin Posted November 22, 2018 Author Posted November 22, 2018 Doesn't want to put a damper on the holiday spirit, lol. For her or for yourself? Cause I don't think she'll be looking back to the holidays she spent with a man who kinda mislead her by avoiding to take up an important topic For both of us. I don't think I'm misleading her at all. When we talk about looking for a place together, I will let her know I'm not interested in marriage. There's a time and place for everything.
Gretchen12 Posted November 22, 2018 Posted November 22, 2018 You don't need to convince strangers. Something inside you made you come online to ask this question. So you do know there is an issue here, you do know something is not quite right, you do know there's a question of obligations here. Listen to that voice inside you that prompted you to make this thread. Don't listen to that other voice from the red guy on your shoulder with horns, holding a fork, and saying "it's ok... the girl is fair game..." That guy is full of rhetoric. Plenty of people do as they please and never bothered to question whether it is the right thing to do. At least you are trying something. People gave you their opinions. No need to debate. It comes down to what's in your soul. 3
rightondude Posted November 22, 2018 Posted November 22, 2018 You don't need to convince strangers. Something inside you made you come online to ask this question. So you do know there is an issue here, you do know something is not quite right, you do know there's a question of obligations here. Listen to that voice inside you that prompted you to make this thread. Don't listen to that other voice from the red guy on your shoulder with horns, holding a fork, and saying "it's ok... the girl is fair game..." That guy is full of rhetoric. Plenty of people do as they please and never bothered to question whether it is the right thing to do. At least you are trying something. People gave you their opinions. No need to debate. It comes down to what's in your soul. yeah really dude you entitled it "what is my obligation in this case?" ... if you didn't think anything was shady, you wouldn't have stated it as potential obligation. Don't be surprised by the responses you got, you asked for it. 3
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