kendahke Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 (edited) Last night my daughter called and when I told her I was watching a tv show with my bf she had an absolute meltdown...she told me that she would never speak to me again if I didn't break up with him! She said she won't take my calls or texts... in other words, its "her" or "him"....what do I do? Don't be manipulated. Do not choose. If she wants to ruin her holiday because she doesn't want you to have a boyfriend, then let her. You, your son and your boyfriend have a nice holiday. This isn't your problem: it's hers and she needs to figure out how she's going to proceed in the future. Some people have to learn lessons the hard way and your daughter wants to take the hard route. Edited November 21, 2018 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I don't know...she can get very "pig headed" and stubborn. My inclination is not to respond or if I do, remind her it is my life and if I decide to break it off it will be on MY terms not HERS! I wouldn’t text her at all. That’s just playing into her drama game. Let her stew on it for awhile. Most likely she’ll bitch about this to her friends or other relatives and hopefully they’ll set her straight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Last night my daughter called and when I told her I was watching a tv show with my bf she had an absolute meltdown...she told me that she would never speak to me again if I didn't break up with him! She said she won't take my calls or texts... in other words, its "her" or "him"....what do I do? I don't believe your daughter would have a meltdown for nothing. This man did something that scares her and she fears you will be taken advantage of. Why did you break up with him last time? This man went to jail for fraud, this is not something to take lightly, how long ago was he in jail? Also, is this the man that wants to move in with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosad728 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 he was incarcerated 10 years ago for a year. Had no record before or since. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 he was incarcerated 10 years ago for a year. Had no record before or since. Does he talk about moving in with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosad728 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 yes, but he knows it won't happen unless I'm certain he is on good standing on his financial obligations and also that he will be responsible to contribute a certain amount each month - and, of course, sign something about not having any rights to my money or home. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Why did you break up with him last time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosad728 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 He was not being truthful about his money obligations but has told me after our last break (for 4 months) that he has changed and is more responsible. So far, it appears true but time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosad728 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 But none of this should allow my daughter to bully or threaten me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 If this is a situation where somebody is back in your life, your daughter has more factual grounds to object. She sees something you keep missing. Give her perspective a bit more credence. Still, your daughter shouldn't threaten you. Nevertheless she has the right to not be associated with him if he's such bad news. Do not even think about moving in or co-mingling money. Anything you try to draft may not protect you. Those things only work in break ups. The won't prevent syphoning money out from underneath you. Have fun but maintain proper distances at all costs. I convicted criminal with a bad financial history is not the most trustworthy choice. Be careful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 He was not being truthful about his money obligations but has told me after our last break (for 4 months) that he has changed and is more responsible. So far, it appears true but time will tell. I think you are not telling us the whole story. See how bits here and there is now coming out. He was in jail 10 years ago for fraud, and here we are 4 months ago he was still irresponsible with money, what does that tell you? In the past 10 years he has not taken under control his irresponsible relationship with money. Of course your daughter is worried!! He may not have had another criminal record after his jail time but it doesn't mean he didn't rob women of their money and assets. Lots of women are ashamed and won't file complains. How do you know he has no criminal records since last time? Did your run a background check on him? Civil & criminal? I think your daughter is smarter than you think. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosad728 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 yes, I ran a check and continue to do so. I am certain he is paying all of his debts. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I agree - I also think there is more to the story here... I think your daughter has good reason to be concerned and you are presenting the information you want to present, to get the answers you want to hear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Ha! This was my first thought, too. I'll bet dollars to donuts that this is what this is all about--she's only interested in your money, not your happiness. I don't view this as something superficial and uncaring. My daughter also care I don't lose my assets to some boyfriend. I worked hard to obtain what I have and no one else deserves to have it but her. OP's daughter doesn't want her mom's life work to go to some bum that fills a void in her mom's life. In this case here he'd end up burning her life work before her body is completely cooled down. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 He sounds like a real winner. I get where she is coming from. I think at 61 you should be capable of making your own decisions but now that the details emerge I get why she is worried. If he gets his sheet together, gets his finances in order, signs a doc when he moves in with you.. He will still screw you over financially by being irresponsible and leaching off you here and there for minor things that add up. Missing payments here and there til he spirals again. I'm assuming he is around a similar age and if he can't manage his finances by then and is in massive debt will he ever get out? I'm not sure I could trust him again after he lied last time which led to a break up. You can't afford this crap. Be very careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosad728 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Share Posted November 21, 2018 He has no debt anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 OP, the more you say, the more I wonder how much you're leaving out of the story here, in order to justify you being angry at your daughter and labeling her as a bully. Look how quickly many posters here jumped the gun and branded your daughter manipulative and money-hungry. Is that completely fair? It doesn't sound to me like her concerns are coming out of nowhere. Is she over-reacting? Possibly. However, you do keep adding little bits and pieces that are painting a less-than-pretty picture of this man and your relationship with him. I am not convinced that your daughter is totally motivated by money here. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 He was not being truthful about his money obligations but has told me after our last break (for 4 months) that he has changed and is more responsible. So far, it appears true but time will tell. Sorry, I’m not buying this. He lied to you, he has a shady past. Your daughter’s bad behavior aside, you’re taking a big chance being with this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 yes, I ran a check and continue to do so. I am certain he is paying all of his debts. I think she was asking if you have you run a criminal background check on him. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Your daughter's breakdown tells me there is more to the story. She seems triggered. It makes me wonder what your relationship history is like and how that has affected your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Like others have said, I don't think we are getting the whole story here. I am sure it can happen - but personally, I have never known close loved ones to freak out over a romantic interest - when the person in question was really a good guy. I think she loves you, and has your best interest at heart, and is doing what she feels she can to protect you from this guy. Also in my opinion / experience, on again, off again relationships just do not work out in the long run. You broke up with him before, and most likely you two will break up again. It doesn't make much sense for your daughter to freak out if its this guys own money troubles that are the problem - unless they have an impact on you. It also doesn't make any sense that you broke up with him over money - if it doesn't impact you - sounds like it probably does. And your family does not want to see an Ex-con, with a long history of financial issues moving in with you. Sure, you can have it all on paper, but that doesn't really protect you. What are you going to do? Take a broke guy to court? Get the police to remove him from your house? DO NOT let him move in with you. I am siding with the daughter from the little that you have told us. This guy sounds like he probably wants to use you. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 yes, but he knows it won't happen unless I'm certain he is on good standing on his financial obligations and also that he will be responsible to contribute a certain amount each month - and, of course, sign something about not having any rights to my money or home. "Sign something" - probably won't be worth the paper it is written on. He will have rights legally the moment he moves in. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 I am sure it can happen - but personally, I have never known close loved ones to freak out over a romantic interest - when the person in question was really a good guy. Exactly. 10 characters Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 If my mother had a bf that “did some time” in the past, I’d certainly be against it. It’s just something you don’t want in your life, or in your family. She’s protective of you, as she should be. Sure, it’s your life and you choose your partner, not your children. And maybe after some time has passed, and she has gotten a chance to be around him and talk to him multiple times, she may come around and change her mind. But at this stage, I’m totally not surprised that she’s reacting that way. Any other reaction would actually surprise me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 He is your old bf, you have history together, but to your daughter he is a ex con who "conveniently" managed to wangle his way back into her mother's life. How supportive would you be if your daughter was spending her time with some old bf who was an ex con? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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