did i friendzone myself?? (long text)

[muffintopmountain]

thank you so much for your advises so far, people. yes, alcohol and me have never been friends, i rarely ever get 'lucky' on alcohol, and will keep this lesson in mind from now on.

 

oh and my friend thinks she did give me a second chance-ish initially by saying ‘i’d like to see you again BUT not ready for a relationship’, meaning back off, i am somewhat interested, but let’s take it slow.

 

but then the barrage of texts started... extinguishing all flame.

 

i'd like to believe that. better than knowing i turned her off completely in person.

 

anyways, im just rambling now.

 

live and learn.

[smackie9]

Dating tip for a guy: Play it cool (not cold), like you are in control. Even if they are overly affectionate (on a first date!) some resistance will go a long way in increasing desire. And cool it on the alcohol! that's a key part of being in control.

[basil67]

I don't like sexist tropes but even the most stable woman is going to look at you and find you unattractive. It's not fair, really, but early on, men have to be confident and strong. Have to be.

 

I would suggest that this isn't sexist - but rather works both ways. Only a guy who is desperate or has a saviour complex would want a woman who falls apart emotionally on a first date. No matter which gender, it's got big red flags going on.

[muffintopmountain]

did i mention that i was already texting her openly like that before we met? and since the meeting (For the most part) was spot on, i felt like it was ok to be still open like that with my thoughts afterwards.

 

now i think about it [yes i have nothing better to do :( ], she was somewhat roleplaying, and i was for real.

 

i actually had a horrible breakup 2 months ago and had been holed up with work since then without even time to realize how lonely i had become.

 

i'm sure if we met at different times and i had my cool, things would've been very different.

 

sometimes things aren't just meant to be.. sigh

[guest569]

I definitely don't think she played you. It was going well, then took a turn.. you both drank too much, got moody (still a bit unclear on what went down), she fled in tears. I think her explanation was honest. You're both getting back out there after painful experiences and maybe pushing too much. What was it, a 10 hour date? That is insane. Too much too soon. Too much time together for a first meet, too full on, too much alcohol and too many emotions flooding out. The follow up text should have been "thanks, I had a lovely time too" and asking her out again in a few days time perhaps. No drunk texting! And take your time...

[ExpatInItaly]

did i mention that i was already texting her openly like that before we met? and since the meeting (For the most part) was spot on, i felt like it was ok to be still open like that with my thoughts afterwards.

 

now i think about it [yes i have nothing better to do :( ], she was somewhat roleplaying, and i was for real.

 

i actually had a horrible breakup 2 months ago and had been holed up with work since then without even time to realize how lonely i had become.

 

I don't agree with that.

 

I think neither of you is really ready to date, and she realized it after the date went sour.

 

It seems that you have trouble distinguishing false intimacy from the real thing, though. Texting "openly" with a stranger and being moody and crying on the first date are not signs of a true connection. You two don't know each other well enough for a true connection. It would be better to keep more perspective next time and approach a date - particularly a first date - in a more measured and grounded way.

 

Wait until you're over your break-up and are in a better emotional place. Dating will be so much more productive then, and you won't be as likely to project your loneliness and poor emotional state onto someone you hardly know.

[muffintopmountain]

sorry im just rambling now but perhaps i was less ready than she was.

 

her breakup- last year, abusive ex, had sexual relationships since then, but nothing serious.

 

mine, 2 months ago, abusive ex (yup, she hit me n stuff lol), nothing since then, was depressed for 2 months and this was the first date since i recovered.

 

i've been online dating for years now. i know the pattern, the etiquette, but i just broke it all with this one.

 

did i come off desperate in person? no way. i know how to hold it in, not that i was even desperate to begin with. (i was sexed out from my last ex)

 

perhaps i did show emotional desperation after couple glasses of wine.

 

and then the texting.

 

i know her last ex was a suave macho man and that's her type.

 

me being a sappy drunk was probably the core opposite of that.

 

it just feels like everytime i go through a breakup, whether short or long term, it takes something out of me and the time it takes to get over it is actually more precious than the lesson i gain from it, so i'm always at a loss more i date.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're trying to rush the healing-then-dating-again process, OP.

 

Be patient with yourself. 2 months after a bad break-up from an abusive relationship is not very long. Take your time to actually recover and get comfortable being single again.

[elaine567]

Sounds to me like the date started well, you got drunk, she starts crying over you being moody, you try to comfort her and ask to sleep with her... She hurries off.

 

I guess she thinks you are a bit of a predator. Getting girls drunk, upsetting them and then trying to lure them into your bed... then sending them over the top pleadings to reconnect...

She was remarkably polite under the circumstances.

I truly doubt she actually wants to be your friend.

Leave her alone is my advice.

[muffintopmountain]

i did cut off contact with her.

 

and i am NOT a predator- quite the opposite in fact.

 

she knew this, and im the one who got drunk, not her...

[brigit87]

i did cut off contact with her.

 

and i am NOT a predator- quite the opposite in fact.

 

she knew this, and im the one who got drunk, not her...

 

Time to meet someone else.

[ChatroomHero]

Chatroomhero, and others, thank u so much for your keen insight. We talked online a bit before the meet and she was OVERLY affectionate thru the date- making future date plans, telling me i look cute ect ect, blowing me kisses across the table... And then after couple drinks, something triggered her and she cried, and then hurridly left, but not before a goodbye kiss.

 

I know her ex was abusive. Maybe she hadnt gotten over him and a date made her realize that? Or maybe she just didnt like me enough. But that over the top affection!

 

Either way, im beginning to feel like i got played, and whatever i said in text didnt matter, like chatroomhero said.

 

 

The thing to remember is some people are crazy. Maybe Monday she was in love with you, Tuesday she could care less, Wednesday, who knows?

 

 

She can say anything she wants to make you feel validated but if her actions don't give you validation, that is what you have to judge her by. If you judge her by anything other than her actions you will never understand what's going on.

 

 

She may have played you. Likely she doesn't even consider it playing you. If on Monday she is in love and Tuesday she lost interest and Wednesday she says she's too damaged to date, I doubt she considers you and how it affects you in the equation so come Thursday if she contacts you and shows interest, she figures it's just normal behavior.

 

 

I'd just move on and stop trying to determine where the fault lies. For whatever reason it's not working. Does it matter why?

 

 

Just don't lay your life's troubles on the line with someone new right off the bat. Don't throw the sale because you're afraid of her not buying because all you will do is ensure she will not buy.

[spiderowl]

She is not feeling the same way you are. She might change her mind in future, given time, but she's being careful not to lead you on. She knows you are keen and serious - would you want to encourage someone if you were a bit mixed up and just not feeling it?

 

It is possible her feelings will change as she gets to know you, but for that to happen, you would have to back off, give her space, go live your life without her and maybe include her occasionally. Once she is free of the fear of hurting you, she might relax and get to know you.

 

But, I am only thinking of when the feelings are not there but could grow. It is possible she has already decided, for some reason, that you are not the one, in which case there is no point pursuing her. I don't know how you can tell if feelings could grow in this situation, except by not spending time with her and seeing if she comes looking for you.