sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 I've been on OLD for about 5 years now. I cannot find a relationship what so ever and all my dates disappear. Granted after I they tell me they have a great time with me and they like my smile. I use online dating because I'm quiet and I don't go out to bars/clubs. I have gone out with various guys with different backgrounds. Smart, good looking, PC gamers, Ravers, not so good looking, stable jobs, some with no stable jobs... Even ones that play Dungeons and Dragons. I've tried hooking up with guys and that didn't work. I've even tried to see if I was a lesbian but that turned out false. When I go on these dates I go in with positiveness, I usually make it to the second dates but that's it. Guys usually disappear or they tell me they don't want to move too fast or they tell me they just broke up with their gfs. Like I stated above guys tell me I'm pretty and I have a gorgeous smile or they can see me as a model or whatever they pull out of their book. I work and finance myself. Im very independent but I let guys take the lead at times. I'm not snobbish or materialistic. I buy my own stuff. I work, I go to school, just normal things. Why am I having such a hard time? I'm like very concerned. I have great friends that always help me and very positive. I'm 24 and I have not had one good compatible partner and it sucks.
rightondude Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 do you hookup on these first dates? If guys tell you they don't want to move too fast it may be ... because you are moving too fast? Could that be it? 2
damni Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 do you hookup on these first dates? If guys tell you they don't want to move too fast it may be ... because you are moving too fast? Could that be it? Yes this, are you hooking up with these guys? if so then it is no wonder you are not getting anywhere. 1
Andy_K Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 What do you have in common with these guys and how does the conversation flow? What sort of dates are you going on? Are you super-clingy and in constant communication from the go? Is there anything else you've not mentioned that might put guys off? Do you have kids, or are you divorced, overweight, really tall/short, anything like that?
MaleIntuition Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 So I was browsing through some of your old threads looking for a pattern of some sort. You seem to have some trouble picking up (sometimes obvious) social cues (have you considered light autism?). Most people will claim that they don’t play games while dating; those people will, however, also be wrong. Social interaction with a goal (ie dating) is per definition a game. Therefore in order to date, you have to play that game to some extent. Asking people what they feel about you or being very direct could sometimes be seen as braking those rules and therefore be seen as slightly off. Now, your biggest issue seems to be how to screen for good guys. The ones you’ve posted about have been pretty terrible for the most part to be honest. The guy asking for Netflix and chill - most girls interested in a serious relationship would simply cut him off right there, you instead went on a date even though he clearly stated that he was primarily looking to get laid. Another example was that you went on a date with the very first guy whom messaged you on that other site. In other words; not a lot of screening. Try to pre qualify the guys a bit more, as an introvert I think quality before quantity is a better approach. At the end of the day, you are still young, no stress. Good luck. 3
nospam99 Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 Try to pre qualify the guys a bit more, as an introvert I think quality before quantity is a better approach. This ^^^ I have a different situation, male and 40 years older than OP, but whenever I see a post on LS about frustration with OLD I wonder about the poster's picker and patience. What I have learned is that both are needed. As far as the picker goes, know what you're looking for, both the type of person and the type of relationship (sexless fun, hooking up, LTR, marriage). While five years is a long time, 19-24 is an age range where I doubt there are many 'serious' guys in 'the OLD pool'. As much as OLD works 'better' for my situation in life, I'd think that real-life socializing with groups of friends would work better at that younger age. 1
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 Yes this, are you hooking up with these guys? if so then it is no wonder you are not getting anywhere. No I've only hooked up once with one guy and that's it. Other than that I just go on dates normal. That's it.
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 What do you have in common with these guys and how does the conversation flow? What sort of dates are you going on? Are you super-clingy and in constant communication from the go? Is there anything else you've not mentioned that might put guys off? Do you have kids, or are you divorced, overweight, really tall/short, anything like that? Im5'3 and skinny Not overweight because I'm active at the gym. I'm not clingy with texting because I only text if they reach out to me
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 You need to work on your game. I have no game because idk what to do lol
irresolute Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 Hello, I read your previous threads as well and I think you May have some trouble picking social cues and being empathic with the other person. You say you have very good friends and I’m wondering what do they say about your old experiences. What I can see is that there are some gross exchanges from your part in which you’re just too direct, insecure with yourself, and having low value overall. Try not to put yourself down staying you’re boring or whatever. I think that might be the main problem. Looks are important but you might be lacking some essential social cues so the dating process can go smooth. Also, guys like to initiate and feel they can take care of you. If you end up driving or paying for food, you’re lowering your value. Sorry to say.
lurker74 Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 I catch hell for this every time I say it, but most guys are borderline morons util they're around 28. Sometimes much longer and yes, there are exceptions, so part of it is the dating pool you're in. I'm curious...have you tried the much older guys yet? Say, mid to even late 30s? Yes, it may not be marriage material but perhaps the relative maturity will provide you some semblance of stability why you try to figure out what you really want (because it's clear you don't know what you really want other than the typical, likes to travel, restaurants, and doesn't live with his mom list). 2
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 (edited) So I was browsing through some of your old threads looking for a pattern of some sort. You seem to have some trouble picking up (sometimes obvious) social cues (have you considered light autism?). Most people will claim that they don’t play games while dating; those people will, however, also be wrong. Social interaction with a goal (ie dating) is per definition a game. Therefore in order to date, you have to play that game to some extent. Asking people what they feel about you or being very direct could sometimes be seen as braking those rules and therefore be seen as slightly off.<SNIP> You're right. I just went on a date with another guy I met earlier in June. We were supposed to go on a date before and he ghosted me. He came back recently(October) stated he moved and asked to go out with me again. I ended up going out with him twice and he ghosted me again. I knew I shouldn't have accepted the invitation since he ghosted me earlier this year. I'm feeling desperate for company and it's bringing my self esteem down again. I'm on a website where I have to message guys first and they always flake out on there too which is even more rejection. Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 Hello, I read your previous threads as well and I think you May have some trouble picking social cues and being empathic with the other person. You say you have very good friends and I’m wondering what do they say about your old experiences. What I can see is that there are some gross exchanges from your part in which you’re just too direct, insecure with yourself, and having low value overall. Try not to put yourself down staying you’re boring or whatever. I think that might be the main problem. Looks are important but you might be lacking some essential social cues so the dating process can go smooth. Also, guys like to initiate and feel they can take care of you. If you end up driving or paying for food, you’re lowering your value. Sorry to say. I let them pay for the food. But I refuse to let them drive me. I had one guy pick me up and tell me he loved me and cried in the car after 3 weeks. I felt very uncomofrtable and scared he was psychotic or would kill me.
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 I catch hell for this every time I say it, but most guys are borderline morons util they're around 28. Sometimes much longer and yes, there are exceptions, so part of it is the dating pool you're in. I'm curious...have you tried the much older guys yet? Say, mid to even late 30s? Yes, it may not be marriage material but perhaps the relative maturity will provide you some semblance of stability why you try to figure out what you really want (because it's clear you don't know what you really want other than the typical, likes to travel, restaurants, and doesn't live with his mom list). I would like to try older guys yes. Because I definitely don't know what I want yet because I can't even find a stable guy to see what I actually like about them.
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 This ^^^ I have a different situation, male and 40 years older than OP, but whenever I see a post on LS about frustration with OLD I wonder about the poster's picker and patience. What I have learned is that both are needed. As far as the picker goes, know what you're looking for, both the type of person and the type of relationship (sexless fun, hooking up, LTR, marriage). While five years is a long time, 19-24 is an age range where I doubt there are many 'serious' guys in 'the OLD pool'. As much as OLD works 'better' for my situation in life, I'd think that real-life socializing with groups of friends would work better at that younger age. I'm just thinking online dating is not for me. I keep trying it to be positive but it looks like it's just not working at all.
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 What do you have in common with these guys and how does the conversation flow? What sort of dates are you going on? Are you super-clingy and in constant communication from the go? Is there anything else you've not mentioned that might put guys off? Do you have kids, or are you divorced, overweight, really tall/short, anything like that? I don't have kids. Never in constant communication with a guy unless they message me. I go on dates where we go eat most of the time. The last date I went on the guy and I ate at a restaurant. We were supposed to go to a lake or an arcade but he changed his mind and wanted to relax instead.
irresolute Posted November 12, 2018 Posted November 12, 2018 I let them pay for the food. But I refuse to let them drive me. I had one guy pick me up and tell me he loved me and cried in the car after 3 weeks. I felt very uncomofrtable and scared he was psychotic or would kill me. You can find lots of psychos online. Have you tried meet ups or other ways of dating? If you’re not an introvert (as I am) maybe you have luck finding guys in the real life.
Author sunflowerandclouds94 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Posted November 12, 2018 You can find lots of psychos online. Have you tried meet ups or other ways of dating? If you’re not an introvert (as I am) maybe you have luck finding guys in the real life. No I'm thinking in going to do that instead. I'm off on weekends so I should sign up for a class. I do go to the gym so I see a few guys but non approach. But then again I hide in the gym as well
Dodgersfan11 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 Dating sites are WASTE OF TIME! I signed up on Tinder again and was only on there for 1 day after getting lets say, "100 matches" and like 3 guys messaged me. And all of them instead of asking to meet up, I got the lame ass "what's your snapchat?" bull.
nospam99 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 Dating sites are WASTE OF TIME! In my personal experience (which has gotten pretty solid in the last year), that is a 'hasty' generalization. I have found dating sites to be wastes of time for two main reasons: - the 'crowd' on that site is looking for the opposite of what the individual is looking for: sex vs relationship - for whatever reason the site does not attract enough quality, serious participants Waste of time: Bumble, eharmony, elite singles, ourtime, zoosk Was good, changed the rules, now a waste of time: okcupid almost good, probably okay for ages 30-55: plenty of fish okay: match I strongly suggest anyone try them ALL to see which, if any, work for you. Also having dated what other LSer call 'organically' in my 'youth', I wouldn't try online dating earlier than the age of 30 unless I was in a community with very few singles.
Dodgersfan11 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 In my personal experience (which has gotten pretty solid in the last year), that is a 'hasty' generalization. I have found dating sites to be wastes of time for two main reasons: - the 'crowd' on that site is looking for the opposite of what the individual is looking for: sex vs relationship - for whatever reason the site does not attract enough quality, serious participants Waste of time: Bumble, eharmony, elite singles, ourtime, zoosk Was good, changed the rules, now a waste of time: okcupid almost good, probably okay for ages 30-55: plenty of fish okay: match I strongly suggest anyone try them ALL to see which, if any, work for you. Also having dated what other LSer call 'organically' in my 'youth', I wouldn't try online dating earlier than the age of 30 unless I was in a community with very few singles. Oh yeah, okcupid USE to be good. Back in like 2012-2015-I had plenty of good dates and some of them lasted more than 3 months. I signed up on okcupid a few weeks ago, then I deleted it-HORRIBLE. I guess they want to compete with Tinder now -with swipe right and left. Seriously like no guys want to talk.
damni Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 No I've only hooked up once with one guy and that's it. Other than that I just go on dates normal. That's it. Ah ok, online dating can be brutal and it is about developing a thick skin and to cut off the meh guys ASAP. I dated for 3 years before finding my current boyfriend, like you I got ghosted, used, etc etc. It came to a point where I realised, I could have some control here and I decided unless a guy was showing me by his actions/behaviour that he was into me, that included trusting my gut instincts I would not invest in him. Doing this stopped me hooking up with the wrong men, I also cut off the meh guys a lot quicker so I saved myself a lot of time. If a man does not contact YOU after a date, he is not interested. If a man does not have steady communication with YOU, he is not interested. If a man is not asking you on dates, he is not interested If a man is not progressing the 'relationship' then he is not interested. If a man refuses to be exclusive or take down his dating profile, he is not interested. It really is simple as that, there is no game playing if a man wants you to be his. 2
Chilli Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 Exactly right and as many have said. Use your picker. Don't just date date date , that's useless and pointless. Using your picker you might only meet 3 people in 6mths , but they'll be at least worth meeting. Of course you have control , look for someone that is right for you and only spend time speaking to them, and out of those few you should lose some , remaining one or two you might meet, forget the rest. It could take 6mths 12mths 2 yrs , just to meet 2 or 3 worthwhile people , but isn't that a better option than just wasting your time shooting blind into the sky over and over again. Personally l think the second thing is , don't put too much hope in it , it's only a very very long shot that 3 or 5 yrs on a date site my add up to anything. You live as well , don;t put all your hopes into those places it's more a just you never do know, you could get lucky. And l don't call 3 or 4 dead end relationships out of it lucky , they;re just wasting your time if what you want is a serious lasting relationship or marriage. Be smart , use picker and brains and realism, and you just never do know.
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 I never had problems getting dates IRL. I found myself single at 35. Everyone said go on line, do OLD, it's the way to get dates. It was horrible & demoralizing. Rejection, after rejection. The few guys I did meet for dates were men I would not have given the time of day to had I met them any other way. Ugh. So my advice is close your computer & get off OLD. Then put yourself out there. Try looking up & smiling at the gym. Check out who is around your office, not your company but the building, where you eat lunch etc. Go to meet up groups & on speed dates. Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about. You say you are in finance, so go to some industry events. I met my husband at a networking business card exchange. See who is around at Alumni events. Join the real world to expand your circle. All of this takes effort & you can't do it from your couch in your PJs. You have to make a commitment to attend at least one event per week to meet new people.
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