bathtub-row Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 When we came out of NC into LC, I asked one question. I didn't bury it in other words. I asked him if he was reconciling with BW. He answered "That's not possible." I wasn't sure if that meant from MM or BW point of view, so I reworded the question. I asked "Do YOU want to reconcile?" Think of the one question you want the answer to and really think about the wording that forces him to answer it honestly. There’s never any “forcing” someone to tell the truth - unless you’re a Nazi interrogator. I believe they had a certain amount of success. The reason she’s in a bad position is because he can lie until the cows come home and she’ll never know the truth. While MM can also lie to his wife, the OW knows nothing of his day to day life. If he’s determined to keep her in the dark, no amount of questioning or correct phrasing will mean anything. Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 It’s great to get opinions here but your friends are people you should be able to talk to. Wouldn’t they feel bad if they knew you were hurting and kept this from them? If they’re really your friends, they would be there for you - whether they approve of what you’re doing or not. My IC encouraged me to tell a friend about my EA, even though I was afraid to. I'm glad I finally did, because she was very understanding and listened and didn't judge. Maybe you are selling your friends short like I did--take a chance and reach out. Link to post Share on other sites
whatcomesnext Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 (edited) I also told a friend and it turned out she had in the past had her own EA, so you never know what you will find. In terms of asking MM questions, here is what I will tell you as someone who has lived your greatest fear (which was also my greatest fear) — that is, being discarded, abandoned, and erased by MM. I didn’t ask questions because I was afraid of losing him. He left anyway. And now I have no answers and have to live with the fact that I never spoke up for myself or my truth when I had the chance. I spent months and months after he left torturing myself wondering what if I had done or said X instead of Y on this or that date. But deep down I know that he was never going to tell me the truth. He may not even know what the “truth” is. And deep down I also know that I was probably right to be afraid - that I knew in my heart and soul that if I pushed him to answer he would probably say things I didn’t want to hear and abandon the relationship. If you ask questions or state truths you have to be prepared for the answers and reactions, and be prepared to walk away if you don’t like those answers and reactions. That is how you progress or leave a relationship with some dignity intact. I wish I had been able to do this when I was still in the EA, but I was too in love, obsessed, addicted and needed him like my life depended on it. Power imbalances do not a healthy, loving relationship make. And anyone who really cares about you won’t tell you the truth based only on how you phrase the question. I still carry with me extreme sadness and suicidal feelings over the loss, regrets, powerlessness, and humiliation I feel around the entire experience. You have a chance for a different ending if you can bring yourself to do it. I know it seems impossible, but you do have this power to be the one to exit if you choose to use it. Edited November 6, 2018 by whatcomesnext Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 There’s never any “forcing” someone to tell the truth - unless you’re a Nazi interrogator. I believe they had a certain amount of success. The reason she’s in a bad position is because he can lie until the cows come home and she’ll never know the truth. While MM can also lie to his wife, the OW knows nothing of his day to day life. If he’s determined to keep her in the dark, no amount of questioning or correct phrasing will mean anything. Yes, you are right. Poor choice of word. Also, this MM has history of lying. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 When we came out of NC into LC, I asked one question. I didn't bury it in other words. I asked him if he was reconciling with BW. He answered "That's not possible." I wasn't sure if that meant from MM or BW point of view, so I reworded the question. I asked "Do YOU want to reconcile?" Think of the one question you want the answer to and really think about the wording that forces him to answer it honestly. So what did he say to the reworded question? Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 So what did he say to the reworded question? He said "*Bernie*, I want you" Which makes it so incredibly hard. I'm going through a very amicable D and it's taking forever - and a lot of that rests on me. He's in a very difficult one. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 He said "*Bernie*, I want you" OK so he dodged the question then. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 OK so he dodged the question then. This is not my thread, so I won't go on anymore after this. I asked him what he wanted and he answered. Link to post Share on other sites
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