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How to move on from an abusive ex?


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Hello everyone.


This is a very short version of what's happened to me recently...


Some general backstory;

Been together 3 years.

Have experienced a miscarriage together, loss of prominent family members and pets and have both gotten help for our issues.


I'm 25, he's 22.


I was broken up with by my physically and emotionally abusive ex last Monday and the emptiness inside is incredibly jarring. I got back from travelling across America on Sunday and my then boyfriend, instead of meeting me with flowers and a kiss, texted me and told me he was thinking of another girl. I was hurt beyond anything and we met up to talk about it and he left me, saying he can't forgive the things he's done to me and I deserve better and that he doesn't want to stay with me knowing one day I'll wake up and realise how much more I deserve. The last thing he said to me was that he loved me.


While I agree with him, I'm surprised at how deep the loss I feel is. He was not a monster all the time. No man has ever made me feel cherished and wanted like he did. He was getting help and saw a counsellor once a week for his anger, and he had not hit me in over a year and I thought our love story would be a success story, that I could prove everyone wrong. He still does have severe anger issues and our most recent argument spiralled from me waking him up accidentally. He smashed his head against the wall and hit himself several times, but once he'd calmed down, he said he'd seek more help while I was away.


I always knew he was bitter about me travelling. I am finally out of University and booked the trip while we were having a rough patch. He spends his money on crap and can't save a penny if it killed him, but while I was away he told me what a brave woman I was and that he loved me and missed me. I was not a great girlfriend to him at this point as I was too busy enjoying myself and the time-zones were a bit crazy.


Basically, why do I feel like this? I know I deserve better. I know that he wouldn't be a great dad right now should I ever had fallen pregnant. He has a list of issues and problems that I always tried to help him with. He said all I ever did was make him angry. So instead of the relief that I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells anymore, I am deeply sad and crying any time I think of him.


He watches all of my snap-chat stories, and posted one of himself in a bed I don't recognise after being in the same place for 24 hours (I can see his location, and yeah, I deserve to be scolded for being obsessive over where he is.) My heart tells me it's just one of his friends (he used to go out and have all day benders, etc) but my head tells me it's the woman he told me he was thinking of. This stings a lot. The thought of him with someone else is absolutely crushing to me.


Why do I care so much? He has been a monster to me in the past, called me fat, ugly, useless, stupid, thick, the c word... So why do I still wish he was mine? Before I left I told him we'd need a big talk when I got back but now all I want to do is call him. I left him a message last night asking if he was around and he looked at it and ignored it... I know, I know... Lesson learned. 6 days of solid NC ruined because I was having a bad time.


Sexually he was the best I'd ever had. Always made me feel like a goddess and never left me unsatisfied.


My stomach churns violently as I write this... I have now blocked his snap chat so I can no longer see what he's up to and he can no longer look at my snaps.


Most of all I feel disappointed with myself. A man can treat me the way he did and I have the audacity to cry about him breaking up with me when everyone around me tells me it's a blessing. Everyone around me told me I deserved more. Everyone loves telling me that he was never going to put a ring on my finger or be the man I wanted him to be.


How do I move on from this? We have split up twice before and NC always brought us back together, but deep down I know this relationship is toxic and this time I think it's best I move on for good.


I can't believe how upset I am at the thought of him sleeping with another woman not even a week after breaking up with me. I shouldn't be feeling as low as I am. I should be grateful that he's not my problem anymore, but all I am is sad.


Really, really sad.

Edited by KissingFire
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I can relate a small amount. I am going through a divorce from a women who had self Harmon behaviors to the point it was in front of the children and me. No matter what I did she wouldn’t stop. It was when she was stressed and she has always had anger problems (her mother is the same way). I’m thrilled to be away from her and will never rekindle that relationship.


Honestly realizing how much better you deserve will help you out so much. It’s a mental realization you have to come to and ou will.


Sexually she was not great. She would never spice things up or try anything new (new positions, not like whips and stuff haha). I always treated her well and the kids.


Hang in there and know you have better out there.

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  • 1 month later...

That's the problem - He was best you had sexually. That's why you kept forgiving him and even if he now comes back to you will take him back even knowing he slept with other girls.


There was a thing written in a book "Sex God" where a guy said its possible to have multiple girlfriends and have sex with them while they know about each other IF you are best they ever had.


I think what you need to do is fight loneliness with friends and family and use up your sex drive in work and exercises. Just keep busy and social. That should help think less about an ex. Also, you can seek therapy to heal trauma or turn to spirituality like faith in God and Jesus Christ.

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