Is it ever approiprate to date an friends ex?

[mindofamarriedwoman]

You know, I agree with everyone here. I know it's taboo and I know it's showing my friend no respect....and yes I knew that my actions would mean the end of a 20 year friendship, and I knew that I would lose the respect of so many other friends and that it was not going to be an easy road. But...really...I truly feel that it was meant to be. There have been so many times that I've told myself....JUST STOP! Come to your senses! This is going to ruin everything for so many people...and it's going to make so many people upset, it's going to change your life and the way people feel about you, but...but....there was always a BUT....

 

I thought about what someone pointed out here, "this better be the one, it better be because he's your true love, it better be forever, it better be the one you've been waiting for...the one you want to marry etc”. Well, I can't say that we are going to run out and get married, but there is something so strong, so great that I was willing to deal with all the consequences...and accept that all the pain and hurt I've caused, and yes, the emotional rollercoaster has been hell, but still I could never walk away.

 

And right now...yeah it does seem worth it. I've lost a friend but I've gained another relationship that gives me so much happiness, and seems to be what I've been looking for, for so long.

 

The dust still hasn't settled. They were together for 13 years, and married for 3, and she is still hurting. She hates me more than words can say. But her and I are polar opposites and he says I give him everything that he was missing in his marriage. I always knew we were similar people (him and I) but never imagined there would be this kind of connection.

 

As with this chat board, there has been mixed feelings amongst our friends and family. People have told me that I've done the lowest thing. But...in all defense, it was never done to hurt my friend. I still truly care about her and wish her happiness in her life, but I too want to be happy. I've had several unhappy relationships. If there is one thing we all want...that is to be happy! The time I've spent with my friend's ex has been some of the greatest times of my life. He seems like a different person than the person he was before. I feel like I've found someone that is on my level in so many ways.

 

We've anticipated everything that is happening and knew that it was not going to be easy, but when we are together, it's worth it. And as far as the physical side of it, I've never been one to get hung up on that. Someone called it "left over's' or someone else's "2nd's", but I don't believe in that at all. At this age everyone has been someone else's before and to me every emotional relationship brings a new side to the physical relationship and I know that what we have is not 2nd to anything. It's unique because it's him and I.

 

So...yes it's a "Jerry Springer" thing to do. But we aren't Jerry Springer people. We know that's it's not the best choice and that yes there's lots of people out there to date...but when you feel you have everything you are looking for right under your nose, are you really supposed to just turn the other cheek and disregard your own feelings for someone else's? What if we spent years dating and never found a connection like the one we have? Is that OK? Was I really expected to walk away from something that feels so right just to make sure someone else didn't get hurt? They weren't going to stay together anyways, so what's wrong if we are together?

 

We know how we feel, but we can't make other people really understand. To others it just seems selfish and tacky and cruel and disrespectful. But that was never our intentions, we only got caught up in our own happiness. Is it still so wrong?

[special]

if you date your friends X's be prepared to loose your friend. ecspeically if you were one of the people to encourage your friend to dump this person you now want to date or maybe just have sex with. If you really think this person is for you get of this site and call your friend and tell them how you feel about this person and tell them you dont want to hurt them. but your are sure about how you feel and u want them both in your life,,,then get back on this site and tell me how it went

[cottoncandy]

I have to agree with all the ons here and its something i learned from experience. I knew both these people for years and they lived together for a couple of years. When they broke up right after she went to another state to stay with some family of hers for awhile. I had asked her about the breakup and she had just said 'its no big thing... its over with.. thats it'. It was like she did not want to talk about it anymore. so i let it go. about a week later he and i met at a comedy club and just sort of got together... and dated a few times after that.. he and i got along great...but when she came back in town and found out she was mad as hell ... she said she was gonna use everything she had to get him back and that i knew he belonged to her and that i should a never crossed the line. i wanted to tell her so bad that he didnt BEKONG to anyone but did not wannna make things worse.. bottom line she still hardly talks to me.. and he has still called to ask me out a few times but i wouldnt because of her mostly. So i would say it always creates problems.

[katheryn1]

after reading your thread a friend aint no friend unless they have discussed this with u ,

 

im talking from experince as my marriage broke up and while we were seperated my husband and my so called neighbour/friend she spent all her time in my house began a relationship this didnt work out and now my husband and i trying again but she is no longer my friend but is still my neighbour very uncomfortable ,

 

but my husband would consider a friedship with her if she wanted it, for the time they were togeather i had nothing but grief from her making my life and my childrens lifes miserable and no consideration for us at all.

[sweetbrokensoul]

What if the ex is your neighbors and you two are really only friends because of y'all's kids? I have talked to her ex mostly about the kids and it was her that cheated on him and she treats him badly even though he is a good father to his kid.

 

I have even told my closest friends that I don't think I could be close friends with her because we don't have much in common and there are things she does that I dislike. I deal with her because she is my son's friends mother.

 

They have been divorced now almost 8 years. WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK? But I still think it would be wierd to date him and kiss him or anything else knowing she was with him AND she is my neighbor!

[sweetbrokensoul]

anyone? let me know what you think

[sweetbrokensoul]

YOU GUYS ARE LAME!!

[d'Arthez]

YOU GUYS ARE LAME!!

It would at least explain why we need so much time to respond.

 

No response forthcoming, though.

[Israfil]

YOU GUYS ARE LAME!!

 

Why don't you just start your own thread, instead of yelling at the very people from whom you seek advice?

 

[RecordProducer]

Michigangirl76, I would date him without letting the neighbor know. You are not close friends anyway. If teh relationship becomes serious you will think about how to tell her later. In any case, I don't see why you shouldn't date a man she divorced 8 years ago. What would be the reason? Not to hurt her? Is she still in love with him after 8 years?

[Sasperilla]

If you want to date your friend's ex and don't care if the friendship dissolves, I'd say go for it. Ever heard the saying 'with friends like that who needs enemies...'

[sweetbrokensoul]

Thanks for the advice r.p. and sasperilla! as for israfil and d'arthez-I was only joking so just calm down! its ok-just caaaaallllmm down! sorry to push your buttons!

[clhootie]

""Or if you liked some guy but he shows interest in your friend, not in you, wouldn't you tell her "Go ahead, date him, I don't mind!"? Or would you prevent them from loving each other just because you saw the guy first?""

 

I agree with you record producer. I've had a good friend of mine ask to date one of my ex's. It was uncomfortable for a while, but who am I to decide who they should date? They are adults. I am an adult. And as adults sometimes we have to deal with things that are not all sugar and spice.

 

Why does the fact that I dated the person in the past give me the right to say who they date after we are through? Why does the fact that him and I didn't make it automatically mean they couldn't be happy with my friend? It seems a rather selfish, childish and controlling attitude to try and tell others who they can and can not date.

[playinitsafe]

I had this happen to me, and I personally would NEVER date one of my friends ex's. Get this.....I HAD (key word HAD) a friend who used to hang out with my boyfriend and I all the time. No biggie. When she started dating someone, the four of us used to hang out a lot. Well....we both ended up breaking up with our respective ex's around the same time. Her ex called and asked me out, and I told him I couldn't do that because of my friend. I told her about it the next day and said that I could never do that to her. She started acting really weird when I would try talking about my relationship woes with my ex. She just wouldn't say anything. Imagine my surprise when my ex e-mailed me a few months later and told me they had been seeing each other!! She never said one word to me - and we even work at the same company. Needless to say, I was hurt and angry and haven't spoken to her since (that was 4 years ago). Well, what comes around goes around because he got in touch with me last spring and we met for dinner. He told me that he never got over me, and truly regretted dating her. We ended up giving our relationship another try and have been together almost a year now. Who's the loser????? It's no wonder she has no friends. And now her reputation stinks as well. Was it worth it? I think NOT!