Author Unable2MoveOn Posted October 27, 2018 Author Share Posted October 27, 2018 Just be careful truly believing what he has said. Not to say he is 100% lying, but he also lies. While that is true, we both had lives outside of each other (which is healthy, imo, the reverse is not), he didnt speak of our lives together. She just assumed we didnt. There was a lot of those things going on..where he up-played a lot of things. And downplayed or just left out others. So just be careful of assuming what is actually going on in their home. Yes, I guess I am probably blowing up the negatives now and don't know (or want to see as much) the things they did together. I do know they have spent the nights cuddling together. He has been telling me he loves his wife. I had to accept that, and somehow managed to think of it as a nice thing about him, how he never tried to bad-mouth his wife or play his feelings for her down while we were together. I really learned most of the negatives only after d-day when for the first time it seemed he was starting to reconsider his M. I know they have a really long history together and naturally went through a lot of stuff, so I understand how that has to weld people together... But you are right, I really do not know the whole picture and I am for sure also selectively emphasizing some things in my mind while trying to overlook others... Thank you for reminding me of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 27, 2018 Share Posted October 27, 2018 Yes, I guess I am probably blowing up the negatives now and don't know (or want to see as much) the things they did together. I do know they have spent the nights cuddling together. He has been telling me he loves his wife. I had to accept that, and somehow managed to think of it as a nice thing about him, how he never tried to bad-mouth his wife or play his feelings for her down while we were together. I really learned most of the negatives only after d-day when for the first time it seemed he was starting to reconsider his M. I know they have a really long history together and naturally went through a lot of stuff, so I understand how that has to weld people together... But you are right, I really do not know the whole picture and I am for sure also selectively emphasizing some things in my mind while trying to overlook others... Thank you for reminding me of this. I feel like I am trying to refute everything you say, but it is amazing how similar these things go. In some cases, they bad mouth their wives, in some cases they dont. Same in mine. He didnt bad mouth me until DDay. But before DDay, I was a great wife. After DDay, I was angry, mad, volatile, at times. We no longer had a great relationship. It was hours a day arguing over things about the affair. Day in, day out. Even though he was 100% in the wrong, he was angry at my anger. He was now frustrated. So he vented... to his OW. She noticed this and thought for certain it meant he was going to leave and be with her. But it was the case. Most people when they get filled with shame, react defensively. This is what he was doing. Or so this is what he tells me. I no longer believe anything that he tells me if I am honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unable2MoveOn Posted October 27, 2018 Author Share Posted October 27, 2018 Most people when they get filled with shame, react defensively. This is what he was doing. Or so this is what he tells me. I no longer believe anything that he tells me if I am honest. Wow, this similarity really astonishes me... Maybe I really just need to wake up and see how stupid I have been... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unable2MoveOn Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 He didnt bad mouth me until DDay. But before DDay, I was a great wife. After DDay, I was angry, mad, volatile, at times. We no longer had a great relationship. It was hours a day arguing over things about the affair. Day in, day out. Even though he was 100% in the wrong, he was angry at my anger. He was now frustrated. So he vented... to his OW. She noticed this and thought for certain it meant he was going to leave and be with her. It is true he didn't bad-mouth her, but he also never said they had a "great relationship". He loved her, they had shared a long past together and I always felt he really appreciates her for that long history, more like a habit he still liked. He did say that she hadn't always really been a good, reliable friend to him (because of her tendency to be really destructive whenever she felt he had made a mistake). He also told me about disagreements between them and things he wasn't so happy about, but never questioning his overall love for her. He is also someone who deliberately tries to focus on the positives and get past the flaws and shortcomings of people. So it was not exactly that a previously happily painted relationship suddenly turned into a horrible one (from his accounts). It was just that he had only indicated the negatives before d-day, and started talking about their past issues and crises in more detail after d-day. I felt he tried to somehow protect her before d-day, and whenever he talked about any negatives I always felt not being in a position to criticize her anyway (yes, I felt ashamed cheating with her H and felt I somehow "owe" her, I had no right feeling critical about her). What you are right about is the aspect of his reaction possibly being just a defense mechanism to deal with his shame... And of course the part that his negative accounts now are raising (probably false) hopes on my side... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 So it was not exactly that a previously happily painted relationship suddenly turned into a horrible one (from his accounts). It was just that he had only indicated the negatives before d-day, and started talking about their past issues and crises in more detail after d-day. I felt he tried to somehow protect her before d-day, and whenever he talked about any negatives I always felt not being in a position to criticize her anyway (yes, I felt ashamed cheating with her H and felt I somehow "owe" her, I had no right feeling critical about her). What you are right about is the aspect of his reaction possibly being just a defense mechanism to deal with his shame... And of course the part that his negative accounts now are raising (probably false) hopes on my side... Before Dday he knew he had a wife at home and an OW who would put up with the wife at home. He had things in balance. His wife was gong nowhere and his OW was manageable. After Dday, anything is possible so he needs to prepare a cosy nest with the OW should he need it. He needs to make sure she is well on board. His wife is a harridan, he is a poor abused soul, she never loved him, she made his life a misery... So when the wife kicks him out, the OW preprimed goes "OMG, you poor thing" and opens her door. Not "OMG now you have nowhere to go as she doesn't want you, you come running to me, well you can jog on, I will not be second best..." That is his worst nightmare, his wife ends the marriage and his OW deserts him too. The problem with the "terrible wife" narrative is that if the wife decides to take him back and reconcile, it is a bit difficult for the MM to then explain to the OW, why he has chosen to go back to his "terrible wife". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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