How long did you wait before moving in?

[BettyDraper]

We won't rush marriage, but at the same time it's certainly not off the agenda. In fact, despite what she says, I know that there will come a time down the track, especially if we already have another child, when I pop the question. I may even ask the question sooner. I do like the idea of at least being engaged. I know that her parents and my mom would as well.

 

I'm not one to care about what other's think. I don't conform to social norms, I pick and choose what suits me. I understand the benefits of marriage and I also understand tht pitfalls. Getting married purely for preparing for the worst is like taking out car insurance and expecting that you will have to use it one day. Honestly, I couldn't go through another divorce. This one has killed me already!

 

I hope this girl is the one for me. She very much hopes and expects that I'm the one too. But sometimes just being different to all the others that failed can just pave way for a new kind of failure you didn't see as a possibility. I'm under no illusion that things can go very wrong, people change and grow in ways that can make the future untenable. There is a lot to sort through and a lot of time needed, hence why the need for another year of living separately.

 

Since you were married and had children before, those choices indicate that you do follow social norms to some extent. Being a spouse and a parent is very socially conformist.

 

Going through two divorces would certainly be awful. I hope that doesn't happen. If you decide to get married again, I'm sure that you will choose your second spouse more carefully.

 

Maybe your girlfriend doesn't want to scare you away so she said that marriage isn't important to her. It's nice that you see yourself as her husband because that means that there is obviously love between you two.

 

It seems like you are approaching this situation in a rational and well planned way.

[Trail Blazer]

Since you were married and had children before, those choices indicate that you do follow social norms to some extent. Being a spouse and a parent is very socially conformist.

 

Going through two divorces would certainly be awful. I hope that doesn't happen. If you decide to get married again, I'm sure that you will choose your second spouse more carefully.

 

Maybe your girlfriend doesn't want to scare you away so she said that marriage isn't important to her. It's nice that you see yourself as her husband because that means that there is obviously love between you two.

 

It seems like you are approaching this situation in a rational and well planned way.

Au contrare, I hardly conformed in the sense that I bowed to pressure to conform to any kind of socially accepted norm. Marriage and kids are "conformist" activities if you will, but the reality is I simply did as I chose. The correlation doesn't imply causation in this case. And, I certainly didn't go about it in a conformist manner. In fact, despite criticism from family and friends, I moved to a new state to live with a woman 13 years my senior whom I met on the internet in the mid 2000s as a 20 year old. 13 months later our son was born, and that wad planned.

 

Despite any level of criticism at the time, our marriage failed for reasons which had little to do with the age gap. I wouldn't say that the age gap wasn't somewhat challenging at times, but my view was always that love conquers all and it wasn't to do with any age gap that the love dwindled. As 2 people, we simply weren't a good fit and couldn't work through our differences. As we both grew, our differences became increasingly untenable. I now simply fall in with the statistical norm of being one of the 50% American divorcees. I do not want to be a repeat offender.

 

Look, it's possible that she didn't want to scare me off. It was a good few months ago when we had that discussion. I am pretty sure that if the timing is right, she would accept my hand in marriage. I cannot see her saying, "you know what, I'm against marriage so that's why I have to decline." If she says no, it will be down to it simply not being the right time. When she's ready, she'll say yes! Hehe! I can definitely see myself as her husband. She would make the most gorgeous bride! She's a stunning girl! Yes, I am most definitely in love!

[diddilybop]

my partner and i waited about 1.5 years before we moved in together, neither of us have kids or were married/engaged prior. part of the move was because wanted to live together, we were on the same page in terms of the future (we want to get married someday - no rush though), and because i didn't want to pay my expensive rent for such a small space in the city anymore.

[MissBee]

I think a year or longer is a good jumping off point, though your mileage may vary. I'm in the camp that thinks waiting a bit longer than that if one of you was recently married might not be a bad idea.

 

When you're freshly divorced, the next relationship might seem amazing by simple comparison. Not a terrible idea to let the new relationship play out a bit and "normalize" before determining if you want to take that next step.

 

I agree.

 

I don't think more time is ever a bad thing, especially since its common knowledge that most relationships when they're new and shiny seem great and the love chemicals are at an all time high.

 

Making more lasting and impactful decisions (marriage, moving in, kids etc) seem best after you've allowed stuff to settle. If after stuff settles that's still what makes sense for you, go ahead.

[BettyDraper]

Au contrare, I hardly conformed in the sense that I bowed to pressure to conform to any kind of socially accepted norm. Marriage and kids are "conformist" activities if you will, but the reality is I simply did as I chose. The correlation doesn't imply causation in this case. And, I certainly didn't go about it in a conformist manner. In fact, despite criticism from family and friends, I moved to a new state to live with a woman 13 years my senior whom I met on the internet in the mid 2000s as a 20 year old. 13 months later our son was born, and that wad planned.

 

Despite any level of criticism at the time, our marriage failed for reasons which had little to do with the age gap. I wouldn't say that the age gap wasn't somewhat challenging at times, but my view was always that love conquers all and it wasn't to do with any age gap that the love dwindled. As 2 people, we simply weren't a good fit and couldn't work through our differences. As we both grew, our differences became increasingly untenable. I now simply fall in with the statistical norm of being one of the 50% American divorcees. I do not want to be a repeat offender.

 

Look, it's possible that she didn't want to scare me off. It was a good few months ago when we had that discussion. I am pretty sure that if the timing is right, she would accept my hand in marriage. I cannot see her saying, "you know what, I'm against marriage so that's why I have to decline." If she says no, it will be down to it simply not being the right time. When she's ready, she'll say yes! Hehe! I can definitely see myself as her husband. She would make the most gorgeous bride! She's a stunning girl! Yes, I am most definitely in love!

 

I didn't imply that the age gap ended your marriage.

 

Seeing people fall in love is adorable. I'm very happy for you and I hope your love only deepens with time.

[Trail Blazer]

I didn't imply that the age gap ended your marriage.

 

Seeing people fall in love is adorable. I'm very happy for you and I hope your love only deepens with time.

 

Thanks betty. We seem to have hit a snag, the first real problem in our relationship. I have made a thread about it in the dating section. I'm hoping to work through it with her. I've fallen for her big time and don't want to lose her.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks betty. We seem to have hit a snag, the first real problem in our relationship. I have made a thread about it in the dating section. I'm hoping to work through it with her. I've fallen for her big time and don't want to lose her.

 

Snags are inevitable in a relationship. The honeymoon rarely lasts forever and a relationship has ebbs and flows.

 

I will look at your other thread and comment on your issue.

Edited December 11, 2018 by BettyDraper