Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

Did you respond to his communication?

 

 

...looks like he's attempting to get you back into the position that suits his needs.

 

Are you going for his ploy?

 

No I haven’t. What the heck was the point of breaking up yesterday then? I wasn’t going anywhere at that point.

[elaine567]

No I haven’t. What the heck was the point of breaking up yesterday then? I wasn’t going anywhere at that point.

 

 

By breaking up with you he took back control.

As the dumper now, it is up to him to decide whether he will engage with you or not.

He took the pressure off himself and took back the reins.

He is no longer leaving his marriage, he knows that, you know that and if you choose to now speak with him and continue to see him, then it is under these terms.

You will have in essence accepted the OW role, and I guess that will suit him very well.

[WasOtherWoman]

By breaking up with you he took back control.

As the dumper now, it is up to him to decide whether he will engage with you or not.

He took the pressure off himself and took back the reins.

He is no longer leaving his marriage, he knows that, you know that and if you choose to now speak with him and continue to see him, then it is under these terms.

You will have in essence accepted the OW role, and I guess that will suit him very well.

 

Yes, this, exactly. He has basically reset the playing field, and he now has home court advantage. Please LKK, don't get sucked back in to the roller coaster. I would respond one time, with this, "Once you have moved out and paperwork has been filed, please let me know. Otherwise, please leave me alone."

 

As Elaine said below, he has simply recalibrated the situation.

[BaileyB]

I would respond one time, with this, "Once you have moved out and paperwork has been filed, please let me know. Otherwise, please leave me alone."

 

I personally would not even do that.

 

The last thing I would do is wait for this man. There is no guarantee that he's not going to go back and forth, back and forth, for as long as you both allow... I wouldn't allow it at all.

 

If you do send a message like this, tell him to contact you when the paperwork has been SIGNED!

[BaileyB]

As Elaine said below, he has simply recalibrated the situation.

 

In other words, he is clarifying your role. You were becoming too demanding, and he has put you back in your spot.

Edited November 20, 2018 by BaileyB

[WasOtherWoman]

I personally would not even do that.

 

The last thing I would do is wait for this man. There is no guarantee that he's not going to go back and forth, back and forth, for as long as you both allow... I wouldn't allow it at all.

 

If you do send a message like this, tell him to contact you when the paperwork has been SIGNED!

 

I hear you, but i think we need to consider that LKK has a ton of emotion tied to this. It is hard to ignore someone that you love (right or wrong...). This may allow her to feel like SHE is taking back control....

[ABernie]

The finance part doesn’t actually make sense because you may split with your old partner but then combine with the new so I’m not sure how you are worse off. In his case, he would get rid of a large mortgage, have no support to pay and would have the benefit of existing housing. In any case it’s done. Nothing about what he has done makes sense.

 

If it were just the newness if the affair why disrupt the whole family and friends by telling them you want to separate? Makes no sense.

 

My AP at one point started talking about how he could manage after he divorced. He mentioned my finances. I said to him clearly, "You cannot make this decision, factoring in my finances." While we have since talked about making it work, we cannot move in right away b/c of our kids.

 

 

Also, the bad mouthing of the BS. Of course, I did bad mouth my STBX. There was a point he was getting very angry and moody with me. But after we finalized separating and figured out how to cohabitate and coparent, things got friendlier between him. Many times I would say to AP, I don't want to badmouth STBX anymore, bc I want there to be a chance that we are all friends.

[BaileyB]

I hear you, but i think we need to consider that LKK has a ton of emotion tied to this. It is hard to ignore someone that you love (right or wrong...). This may allow her to feel like SHE is taking back control....

 

We will agree to disagree somewhat - to me, she will be taking back control if she told him that she will not consider a relationship with him while he is still married.

 

If she tells him to contact her before the divorce settlement is signed, she is allowing emotion to influence her better judgment. She will be firmly in the grey area where he can mislead and manipulate the situation... And the emotional investment keeps her engaged in an unhealthy relationship that is more than likely (until the divorce papers are signed) going nowhere...

 

If it was me, I would rip the band-aid off. He would be dead to me. Anything less keeps you from living your best life and finding the love you deserve.

Edited November 20, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

If you do send a message like this, tell him to contact you when the paperwork has been SIGNED!

 

I wouldn't send that message either as it ties you to this man.

Again you would be back in the "waiting room", till HE decides or doesn't decide to get a divorce.

It would not be possible to ever be "free" whilst that was hanging over you. He may NEVER leave, what a waste of time...

[WasOtherWoman]

We will agree to disagree somewhat - to me, she will be taking back control if she told him that she will not consider a relationship with him while he is still married.

 

If she tells him to contact her before the divorce settlement is signed, she is allowing emotion to influence her better judgment. She will be firmly in the grey area where he can mislead and manipulate the situation... And the emotional investment keeps her engaged in an unhealthy relationship that is more than likely (until the divorce papers are signed) going nowhere...

 

If it was me, I would rip the band-aid off. He would be dead to me. Anything less keeps you from living your best life and finding the love you deserve.

 

I agree with the "papers signed part". I was just disagreeing with the not responding at all part. Papers signed is a much better thing!

[BaileyB]

I agree with the "papers signed part". I was just disagreeing with the not responding at all part. Papers signed is a much better thing!

 

Got it!

[PhoenixRising8]

The more I’m thinking about this the angrier I’m getting which is never a good sign. Why can’t I string him along? Why can’t I say i’ll Consider resuming the relationship and make him work at getting me back while I put off a decision? Why can’t he get a taste of his own medicine. In the meantime if he asks about getting together I will have plans, and I actually might. I can put him off with a succession of excuses like he has me. He may be able to text me but he can’t see me if I’m not available or talk to me if I’m busy. Maybe he should feel what it’s like to be strung along like he’s strung me and his wife along!!

 

In the meantime, there are a couple of guys I’m interested in. One never married and one 8 years divorced, both no kids and no excessive baggage. I can keep Jim as my spare while I explore my opportunities. Some game playing? You betcha but I so feel like some revenge. Maybe he’ll get to the ledge be ready to jump and I can pull the safety net out from under him. Would serve him right.

[WasOtherWoman]

The more I’m thinking about this the angrier I’m getting which is never a good sign. Why can’t I string him along? Why can’t I say i’ll Consider resuming the relationship and make him work at getting me back while I put off a decision? Why can’t he get a taste of his own medicine. In the meantime if he asks about getting together I will have plans, and I actually might. I can put him off with a succession of excuses like he has me. He may be able to text me but he can’t see me if I’m not available or talk to me if I’m busy. Maybe he should feel what it’s like to be strung along like he’s strung me and his wife along!!

 

In the meantime, there are a couple of guys I’m interested in. One never married and one 8 years divorced, both no kids and no excessive baggage. I can keep Jim as my spare while I explore my opportunities. Some game playing? You betcha but I so feel like some revenge. Maybe he’ll get to the ledge be ready to jump and I can pull the safety net out from under him. Would serve him right.

 

OK, here comes the "why not". Because you are still in love with him. So by playing games with him, you will continue to be sucked into this. Saying this gently, but the time to make him feel uncertain, would have been during your affair (I never let my MM get too comfortable... i always kept him guessing and he thought i was dating while he figured out his crap).

 

LKK, i really feel like it is too late for game playing now, because all that you would be doing would be preventing your own healing. It sounds great, in your head, and i totally understand WHY you would want to do this, it is a really, really bad idea.

 

This would not be taking back your power, it would just be fanning the flames of further drama

[anika99]

If you stay in contact with him for the purpose of stringing him along you will just be stringing yourself along.

[BTDT2012]

Just delete the message and move on. No games.

[BaileyB]

The more I’m thinking about this the angrier I’m getting which is never a good sign. Why can’t I string him along? Why can’t I say i’ll Consider resuming the relationship and make him work at getting me back while I put off a decision? Why can’t he get a taste of his own medicine. In the meantime if he asks about getting together I will have plans, and I actually might. I can put him off with a succession of excuses like he has me. He may be able to text me but he can’t see me if I’m not available or talk to me if I’m busy. Maybe he should feel what it’s like to be strung along like he’s strung me and his wife along!!

 

Some game playing? You betcha but I so feel like some revenge. Maybe he’ll get to the ledge be ready to jump and I can pull the safety net out from under him. Would serve him right.

 

This is your anger talking. It will pass...

 

But, how you proceed will be a clear indication of the kind of person you are - and I would ask, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be dishonest, disrespectful, manipulative, and hurtful?

 

I would encourage you to do as Michelle Obama once suggested - when they take the low road, you take the high road. Just block him and walk away... Why would you invest your emotional time and energy in an undeserving man when there are other men who can bring great things to your life...

[FMW]

Don't respond. He told you he was ending it. So consider it ended.

 

If he has what it takes to be the man for you and be there for you, he will get his sh*** straight and come back to you telling you it's official, they are divorced.

 

Unless and until he does that, you are agreeing to stay on call for what he needs and wants, and ONLY when he needs and wants it, with no thought to how it's ripping you apart. Do you want to still be feeling this pain 3 months from now? 6 months? A year?

 

Your power comes from not allowing anyone to do that to you anymore.

[PhoenixRising8]

OK, here comes the "why not". Because you are still in love with him. So by playing games with him, you will continue to be sucked into this. Saying this gently, but the time to make him feel uncertain, would have been during your affair (I never let my MM get too comfortable... i always kept him guessing and he thought i was dating while he figured out his crap).

 

LKK, i really feel like it is too late for game playing now, because all that you would be doing would be preventing your own healing. It sounds great, in your head, and i totally understand WHY you would want to do this, it is a really, really bad idea.

 

This would not be taking back your power, it would just be fanning the flames of further drama

 

Am I still in love with him? I don't know, I read some of early messaging and how it has changed over the last few months. Subtle and over time but a large change from the outset. Or perhaps I'm denial that I am still in love with him.

 

I've spent a lot of hours thinking about the push/pull the last number of weeks and the resulting hurt. I wonder how I can love someone who says I am the love of his life but can't walk away from the woman who isn't. I wonder why I would love someone who not only ruined my birthday but the entire weekend. I wonder even if I "got" him what I would really be getting. What excess baggage comes with him that will cause drama for a long time to come. I feel like I really want to inflict some pain on him but I don't know how or even what the point would be.

 

Maybe I should have played the games in the beginning but I'm tired of games. I remember a conversation we had about him leaving and that led to me saying maybe I should date until he decides what to do. He was fairly firm that he couldn't handle that. When I reminded him there is another woman with legal standing in his life, he said that's different. His doing things with the wife would be like doing things with my husband. Since neither one of us loved our spouses or were intimate with them, it's just for show. Dating is different. Funny how replaying old memories makes you think ...

 

I guess at this point neither of us have power over the other. Probably best not to engage in silly games. But the thought of revenge is so appealing.

[PhoenixRising8]

This is NOT a good idea!

 

As long as you have him around - you won't be mentally/emotionally available to find or get connect to an available man!

 

Plus, you'd just be helping him hurt his wife/marriage even more!

 

Creating that much negative energy will certainly have some backlash that you wouldn't want!

 

Step back and clear your head. Take time to care for yourself.

 

All good points. He doesn't need my help hurting his wife. He does a fine job of that all on his own.

[PhoenixRising8]

This is your anger talking. It will pass...

 

But, how you proceed will be a clear indication of the kind of person you are - and I would ask, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be dishonest, disrespectful, manipulative, and hurtful?

 

I would encourage you to do as Michelle Obama once suggested - when they take the low road, you take the high road. Just block him and walk away... Why would you invest your emotional time and energy in an undeserving man when there are other men who can bring great things to your life...

 

Some days I don't recognize myself. I was always an honest person of integrity. In getting revenge on my ex, I really did a number on myself. Reminds me of something my grandmother used to say: never dig a whole for someone else because you only end up in it yourself.

[PhoenixRising8]

Don't respond. He told you he was ending it. So consider it ended.

 

If he has what it takes to be the man for you and be there for you, he will get his sh*** straight and come back to you telling you it's official, they are divorced.

 

Unless and until he does that, you are agreeing to stay on call for what he needs and wants, and ONLY when he needs and wants it, with no thought to how it's ripping you apart. Do you want to still be feeling this pain 3 months from now? 6 months? A year?

 

Your power comes from not allowing anyone to do that to you anymore.

 

He isn't leaving. I'm fairly certain of that. If by some strange chance he does, I'm not sure what he brings with him is what I need or want. That's my brain talking. Another part of me says something else.

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm sure he's thinking now "crap! What did I do?" "How can I get her back while I stay married?"

 

And so the dance begins... he will pile on more and more lies, empty promises and manipulations to try and get you back into place!

 

Expect it! ...and be ready...because you should see him trying even harder to manipulate you.

 

Hate to say it but you are so right.

 

He called my office phone at 4PM and I answered as it wasn't his cell or a number I recognized. Must have been his office landline. He reiterated what he said in his message: our parting is haunting him and he's regretting what he did. He can't stop thinking about me and us and he regrets telling his wife he will try but now that he's done that, he has to give it a few weeks to make it look good and then he might be better able to pull the trigger and tell her it just isn't going to work.

 

After listening for awhile I just couldn't stop myself from telling him how selfish and disrespectful he's been to both his wife and me. I reminded him of the things he used to do and say that he no longer does and says. Of all the subtle behaviour changes over time. Of the hurtful things he's said. Of how he ruined not just my birthday but the entire weekend. So much about him has changed over the last few weeks that I'm not even sure he's the same person I fell in love with. He was quiet. When I asked him if he had anything to say he said he's reflecting on my words and I'm right. I didn't deserve that. He will prove to me by his actions that he is the same person. I used his go to phrase "time will tell". He ended the call saying he will call me later and he loves and misses me. 6 1/2 hours later, no call or text. Radio silence. I haven't reached out either despite how much I want to say "so much for proving anything other than what I'm already coming to realize".

 

So why am I upset?

[What_Did_I_Do]

Because you unknowingly took his call and broke NC. That will always be a setback. He passively tried to play your emotions with the sympathy card. He didn't give you any new information (i.e. I've left W and filed for D) but instead confirmed his decision to stay and work on the M.

 

He isn't done contacting you. Maybe next time you will not be as open to hear what he has to say. Try to be strong when he does.

 

I'm in NC with my xMM but if he called, I'd fold like a cheap lawn chair. I know how hard this is.

[BaileyB]

He will prove to me by his actions that he is the same person.

 

But, this person has not actually changed... You just see him differently now.

 

He was always a selfish, lying, cheating man... who showed you the best of himself and did things that lead you to fall in love with him.

 

He's still a selfish, lying, cheating man... but now, you'Ve seen the worst of him and the things that he did that caused you to fall in love now look... disingenuous.

 

And you ask, why are you upset? Because - you love(d) him. And, it always hurts when someone lets you down. It hurts when they are not who you think they are. And, it hurts to let go of something you thought you had... and the dreams you had for the future.

[FMW]

You're going to stay confused, angry and hurt as long as you let things continue the way they are.

 

Unfortunately it IS possible to love someone who doesn't treat you well. But there's a reason for the phrase "love isn't enough".

 

There's also a reason people here who have been through similar situations tell you that NC is the only way to even start to make things better.

 

I think you're making progress but I fear you are still quite a ways from truly taking your power back and putting an end to allowing him to mess with you and keep you dangling on the hook.

 

Don't respond to his texts. Don't answer his calls. If he calls you from a number you don't know at work where you have to answer the calls, tell him you will not talk with him any more until he's resolved the situation. Just that, and then hang up.

 

As long as you let him stick around he has no urgency to resolve things. He's bouncing back and forth because you let him. That's probably because you're afraid of losing him completely right now and that's still outweighing your pain and unhappiness.

 

You really do need some time on your own, without your husband or MM, to have any clarity whatsoever.

 

I hope you're ready to take the advice you're being given here on this forum very soon.