Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 Yeah, it's hard to believe that all this drama won't continue in your new life, should it happen, in some form. Also, you are extremely focused on him, not on you own needs, and he seems to think this is all normal and the way it should be. I can't imagine sitting through all this drama and recounting it in such detail without some resentment and awareness that I could be attending to my life--hobbies, friends, errands. I'd set a date and stick to it, hopefully when I reached a point in my own mind where I was certain of my own desires (stability, a man who could totally focus on me) that I could speak clearly and decisively. One way that helped me to think about a situation like this straight: It's not fair for me to be with him when I don't want him as he is (waffling, still married to someone else). Good luck. You are correct. I have been focused on him but that has changed. I am now considering what is best for me and this drama isn’t it. The drama will be ended either by him with a decision or I will walk after my trip. 1
WasOtherWoman Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 She has a very good idea that he is otherwise occupied and has said so repeatedly but she isn’t letting go. I am giving him til mid January and then I walk. I’m too old for this drama. As much as I love him, I don’t like how he’s handling this. It isn’t fair to either of us. Ultimately I will put me first. And if I walk it will be for good because when I am done I am done. I’m already starting to disengage. Excellent. That is exactly right, you need to keep a wall up in these sorts of relationships to protect yourself (cause they can be devastating to all, i get it). Remembering back to that time.. I felt awful for his wife, (although in the spirit of total honesty, clearly not awful enough to not be having a relationship with her husband ). Someone in this situation was going to wind up unhappy.... in my case, likely all three of us, because he was leaving, and all three of us would wind up alone, so what sense did that make? I do admire the way he left, made the decision and then moved on. Did not discuss with family, friends, grown kids, etc. prior, he made a plan, executed and did not look back. I know that sounds cold but it was the kindest way for him to do this. I have the benefit of looking back on the years, and all that has unfolded since then. Our Ex and I are good. We get together on occasion, co-grandparent, etc. When someone has kids with someone, they will always be in both of your lives. So you need to be strategic about that relationship as well. I am a no-drama zone, so I did not want him to leave and then take on all of this drama BS in my life.... we all co-exist peacefully which is a good goal to strive for in these situations.
Amethyst68 Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 Knowing for definite there's someone waiting on the sidelines is completely different to having a vague suspicion. I would recommend that if he does leave you change your plan and he gets his own place for a while. There is no way, if his children are as dependent as describe, that they are going to be able to handle not dropping in to visit MM whenever they want to. If he moves straight in with you and they find out about your affair immediately that way the level of drama may increase tenfold! 1
WasOtherWoman Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 I would recommend that if he does leave you change your plan and he gets his own place for a while. There is no way, if his children are as dependent as describe, that they are going to be able to handle not dropping in to visit MM whenever they want to. If he moves straight in with you and they find out about your affair immediately that way the level of drama may increase tenfold! That is a good point. LKK why is he moving in with you right away? In my case, we all lived in separate states, so there was no reason for us to not live together right after he left. Plus, we had been living together during the week anyway during our A, so it was no big deal. Had his family been in our state, i definitely would NOT have lived with him.... Have you considered this?
BaileyB Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 She has a very good idea that he is otherwise occupied and has said so repeatedly but she isn’t letting go. It’s not her decision though. If he does not want to be married to her anymore, he can file the papers and leave. What she does is irrelevant, ultimately.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 That is a good point. LKK why is he moving in with you right away? In my case, we all lived in separate states, so there was no reason for us to not live together right after he left. Plus, we had been living together during the week anyway during our A, so it was no big deal. Had his family been in our state, i definitely would NOT have lived with him.... Have you considered this? He and I live 100 miles apart and he works another 75 miles in the opposite direction so it isn’t like we thought anyone would just drop in anyways. They would be more likely to meet up with him at work or him stop by their town as it’s on his way from work to mine. I guess because of the distance we thought it was the better option.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 Knowing for definite there's someone waiting on the sidelines is completely different to having a vague suspicion. I would recommend that if he does leave you change your plan and he gets his own place for a while. There is no way, if his children are as dependent as describe, that they are going to be able to handle not dropping in to visit MM whenever they want to. If he moves straight in with you and they find out about your affair immediately that way the level of drama may increase tenfold! I’m quite certain she has more than a vague suspicion
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 It’s not her decision though. If he does not want to be married to her anymore, he can file the papers and leave. What she does is irrelevant, ultimately. I agree there isn’t anything she can do. What I meant by letting go was bore she isn’t giving him up. I think that will be me before her.
WasOtherWoman Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 He and I live 100 miles apart and he works another 75 miles in the opposite direction so it isn’t like we thought anyone would just drop in anyways. They would be more likely to meet up with him at work or him stop by their town as it’s on his way from work to mine. I guess because of the distance we thought it was the better option. Got it. So in most cases, moving in together right after someone leaves generally is not a great idea. (or at least this seems to be not the recipe for success). We did, and we did fine, but i believe that our affair, for my H was definitely a classic exit affair. He had always intended to leave when his youngest went to college and had informed his then wife of that years prior. So the timing was just right for us, as we met a few months before that. (hence the no drama, etc.). It really just depends on the mindset, but if you think there might still be drama after he leaves, protect yourself and have him get his own place. Otherwise you will be sucked in.....
BaileyB Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 I agree there isn’t anything she can do. What I meant by letting go was bore she isn’t giving him up. I think that will be me before her. I hear that. I’m just saying, it doesn’t matter if she is giving him up or not. It’s his decision to leave his marriage and file the papers. If I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t giving up - it is my decision to make, and he would need to resign himself to that. He may feel that he is doing her some kind of service by staying, but what he is actually doing is cruel to her - if his decision is made, then staying and dragging it out, giving her false hope, and continuing the drama is not serving any purpose other than to avoid the conflict of actually leaving. If she really loves him, she is never going to like it when he finally leaves - there is never going to be a “good” time to announce to your spouse that you want to end the marriage. The kindest thing he could do is to make a firm decision, communicate that decision with her, and then go about the process with as much kindness and compassion as possible. That’s what I would want - if he doesn’t want to be married to me, then tell me that... don’t give me false hope while engaging in an affair with another woman. IMHO, that is a terribly disrespectful thing to do to a woman that he has loved. 2
Amethyst68 Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 BS may be suspicious but he's doing his best to gaslight her! As for his kids, all I can say is if it was me I would be wanting to visit where my dad was living, at least when he moved. If he refused or didn't want me there it would raise major red flags. I have actually seen this happen, one of my friends was an OW who actually ended up with her MM, his kids found out when he moved straight in with her, it was not pretty. It's been several years later he's still trying to repair the relationship, my friend basically has to exist in the background still where they exist.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 I hear that. I’m just saying, it doesn’t matter if she is giving him up or not. It’s his decision to leave his marriage and file the papers. If I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t giving up - it is my decision to make, and he would need to resign himself to that. He may feel that he is doing her some kind of service by staying, but what he is actually doing is cruel to her - if his decision is made, then staying and dragging it out, giving her false hope, and continuing the drama is not serving any purpose other than to avoid the conflict of actually leaving. If she really loves him, she is never going to like it when he finally leaves - there is never going to be a “good” time to announce to your spouse that you want to end the marriage. The kindest thing he could do is to make a firm decision, communicate that decision with her, and then go about the process with as much kindness and compassion as possible. That’s what I would want - if he doesn’t want to be married to me, then tell me that... don’t give me false hope while engaging in an affair with another woman. IMHO, that is a terribly disrespectful thing to do to a woman that he has loved. No argument from me. I agree 100%. Ive already said this to him but there seems to be a timing issue that comes up whether it’s work or something else. Guess that’s why I’m here getting different perspectives because some days I feel it will be one of us that makes the decision rather than him. As it is now, it is likely to be me.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 BS may be suspicious but he's doing his best to gaslight her! As for his kids, all I can say is if it was me I would be wanting to visit where my dad was living, at least when he moved. If he refused or didn't want me there it would raise major red flags. I have actually seen this happen, one of my friends was an OW who actually ended up with her MM, his kids found out when he moved straight in with her, it was not pretty. It's been several years later he's still trying to repair the relationship, my friend basically has to exist in the background still where they exist. I’ve considered this also and it gives me major concern.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 So if he leaves her it doesn't make sense that he would move to your place. Why would he drive 175 miles one way to work? Has he mentioned at all getting his own place when he leaves? Oops I converted into miles the wrong way. It’s actually 175 round trip.
Starswillshine Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 Oops I converted into miles the wrong way. It’s actually 175 round trip. That's still one hell of a commute. Especially if he is working 14 hour days.... I couldn't imagine.
anika99 Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 That distance is going to turn into another excuse for him not leaving. Can you move to where he is?
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 That distance is going to turn into another excuse for him not leaving. Can you move to where he is? I can move but if I’m moving solely to remove an excuse that isn’t a good reason to do so. I’m already compromising enough.
WasOtherWoman Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 As for his kids, all I can say is if it was me I would be wanting to visit where my dad was living, at least when he moved. If he refused or didn't want me there it would raise major red flags. I have actually seen this happen, one of my friends was an OW who actually ended up with her MM, his kids found out when he moved straight in with her, it was not pretty. It's been several years later he's still trying to repair the relationship, my friend basically has to exist in the background still where they exist. This is a great point. If you want to be successful in the long run, you need to handle this piece carefully. I did not meet my step kids until we were already married. They were welcomed into our life, rather than the other way around. How stuff gets handled when he first leaves is critical to the future success of your relationship with him, the ex and the kids.
Amethyst68 Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 Oh god, my friend is a successful, intelligent, mature woman whose one blind spot is her now husband, he is a nice enough man but stubborn as hell. He learned nothing from the whole separation debacle and went on to create more chaos when it came to their wedding! Let's just his insistence on keeping things secret once again created a nightmare for my friend who got all the blame!
WasOtherWoman Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 Oh god, my friend is a successful, intelligent, mature woman whose one blind spot is her now husband, he is a nice enough man but stubborn as hell. He learned nothing from the whole separation debacle and went on to create more chaos when it came to their wedding! Let's just his insistence on keeping things secret once again created a nightmare for my friend who got all the blame! Oy, you know they say be careful what you wish for. I have many friends who are second wives and the ex and kids cause huge troubles in the marriage. (not blaming them.. i firmly blame the husbands). My H was smart enough to make sure that, since the kids were grown already grown, he put our marriage first. That helped allow me to confidently develop my own relationships with the kids. So much of this is in the hands of the way that the man handles it...
BaileyB Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 (edited) If you want to be successful in the long run, you need to handle this piece carefully. I did not meet my step kids until we were already married. They were welcomed into our life, rather than the other way around. I have many friends who are second wives and the ex and kids cause huge troubles in the marriage. (not blaming them.. i firmly blame the husbands). My H was smart enough to make sure that, since the kids were grown already grown, he put our marriage first. Having been the child in a different, but similar situation (my mother passed away, my father started another relationship very shortly after her death and pressured us to accept his relationship), I can say that this would have been very upsetting to me. I can't believe that he married you, without introducing you to his children! I completely understand that these are adult children and he is entitled to make decisions and have his own life without the need to get permission or approval of his children... But, as they say - relationships may come and go, but your children are forever. I would never chose a relationship over my children. And, now in this very position, I would never ask my partner to put our relationship ahead of his children. To hear you say that he chose your marriage first, and that the children were welcome into your life, rather than the other way around... Sorry, this hits a nerve. My father had this attitude with his new relationship and it almost cost him his relationship with my brother and myself. It is so unbelievably disrespectful to the relationships shared between parent and child - relationships that precede you and may extend past the end of your relationship... I'm glad it has worked out for you, but my advice would be - be very careful about this. ETA, For OP - I think the key to success is to give it time and to introduce the new partner in a way that is respectful and not threatening to the children. Which is why I respond to this post - no disrespect intended WOW - because this advice would be very threatening to the relationship between parent and child. We are a very close family and my brother and I are loyal and devoted to our parents - but, had my father married a woman without introducing us to his wife, that would have ended his relationship with both myself and my brother. I’m glad that didn’t happen for you WOW. I’m just saying, respect goes both ways and I would not have found this to be particularly respectful or inclusive, as the child... Edited November 15, 2018 by BaileyB 2
Amethyst68 Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 In my friend's case the problems were caused by her husband. Once the divorce was sorted there was no issue with the BS, but he created a lot of ill feeling with his children which was compounded with the way he went on to handle the wedding. I agree the MM should support his new partner but I'm with Bailey, not at the expense of his children. Someone once said to me that men find it easy to love the family they're with at the moment. It's a sweeping generalisation but turns out to be true a substantial high number of times.
FMW Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 To hear you say that he chose your marriage first, and that the children were welcome into your life, rather than the other way around... Sorry, this hits a nerve. I don't have any personal experience with the above, but that immediately hit me also. Yes, your marriage should be prioritized, but not in such an almost antagonistic way.
Recommended Posts