Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 Don't fall for the "friends" offer!!! That's his way of keeping you in a holding pattern - a way to keep you from moving forward! He's staying in his marriage - that enough to know - and enough to find an available man. His offer is STILL perfectly selfish. He's offering less and less hoping you settle for less than crumbs now. What a jerk! And yes, I think he's done this before! Yeah, no thanks to the friends thing. I don’t want to hear about how their reconciliation is going.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 So sorry OP. This coward should have 'ultimately realized' the value of his 30 year marriage BEFORE he joined the dating website (if that was where you met...even if not...smh). He wants to be friends so he doesn't look like the jerk in all of this and well, it just leaves that door open a wee bit. Chances are he'll be back telling you things haven't changed, still separate bedrooms and everything. Please don't fall for it. They're all lies. Yes I agree, he didn’t consider his marriage when he actively sought out an affair. And if things are as bad as he portrayed I have no doubt he will be back at some point. I just have no intention of waiting around until that happens. I also have no doubt they sleep in separate bedrooms. He may have lied about some things but even he didn’t lie about everything.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 Seems to me the only way some MM manage to catch quality women is to dangle the "My marriage is on the rocks and I am leaving soon" and " I love you" hooks into the water. They deliberately choose married or attached women because that lowers the possibility of them actually having to prove the veracity of their future faking stories. I believe here he got caught out when LilKat left her marriage and she believed they had a future together. Many OW will keep the fantasy alive despite all evidence to the contrary and will live in limbo almost indefinitely, as to lose him is unthinkable and the game is all they have. Here, he thought he could keep his little affair going, by his "separation" story. That would give him 6 months maybe a year, maybe even longer of a leeway, but when LilKat wouldn't play that game, he spun it out for as long as he could, till he finally had to admit defeat and capitulated. He was going nowhere; I could be wrong, but I doubt that he ever was in reality. Sorry! It is very hard, but I think all this is for the best in the long run. MM are almost invariably bad news for women. Hugs. I wanted someone married so they couldn’t make demands on me as I intended to stay in my marriage also. Unfortunately, ex made that impossible so we separated. I didn’t ask MM for anything. Sometime around the time I was separating he said he wanted to separate because he realized how much better and happier his life would be. I didn’t ask him for that. If he hadn’t said it I never would have. I would have continued as is until I was ready not to. Then he started me wondering if we really did have a future. I mean why not? We get along so well, common interests, intuitively know each other’s thoughts and feeling etc. It was his idea.
ABernie Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 Obviously I must be really gullible because I believed him. I believed he truly wanted to leave. If he didn’t want to why would he ditch his wife to talk to me on their anniversary and mother’s day? Why would he not go out to dinner for her birthday and see me instead? Why would he start staying out all night, something he’s apparently never done? Why would he say to her, the kids and the best friends that he doesn’t want to stay in the marriage? It makes no sense to me. Why create all this drama for them? If you want to have your cake and eat it too, isn’t it better to minimize drama at home? IMHO, guilt and finances. Guilt is a killer. IS he seeing an IC?
WasOtherWoman Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 I wanted someone married so they couldn’t make demands on me as I intended to stay in my marriage also. Unfortunately, ex made that impossible so we separated. I didn’t ask MM for anything. Sometime around the time I was separating he said he wanted to separate because he realized how much better and happier his life would be. I didn’t ask him for that. If he hadn’t said it I never would have. I would have continued as is until I was ready not to. Then he started me wondering if we really did have a future. I mean why not? We get along so well, common interests, intuitively know each other’s thoughts and feeling etc. It was his idea. I think sometimes the married person gets caught up in the newness and excitement of the affair. And I do think sometimes they truly love their affair partner and are truly conflicted. But - when people get to a certain age, the reality of divorce, separating assets, the fact that they would now have half of the assets that they planned on having when they retired, etc makes a certain type of reality set in. Along with a crippling fear unfortunately. I think there truly are people out their who "affair for sport". But i also think there are folks out there who thought they wanted out of their current marriage, but once it gets real, they are just too afraid to make any changes.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 IMHO, guilt and finances. Guilt is a killer. IS he seeing an IC? No he isn’t seeing an IC. Guilt is a bad reason to make choices and money isn’t everything if you’re miserable. I say that from experience.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 I think sometimes the married person gets caught up in the newness and excitement of the affair. And I do think sometimes they truly love their affair partner and are truly conflicted. But - when people get to a certain age, the reality of divorce, separating assets, the fact that they would now have half of the assets that they planned on having when they retired, etc makes a certain type of reality set in. Along with a crippling fear unfortunately. I think there truly are people out their who "affair for sport". But i also think there are folks out there who thought they wanted out of their current marriage, but once it gets real, they are just too afraid to make any changes. The finance part doesn’t actually make sense because you may split with your old partner but then combine with the new so I’m not sure how you are worse off. In his case, he would get rid of a large mortgage, have no support to pay and would have the benefit of existing housing. In any case it’s done. Nothing about what he has done makes sense. If it were just the newness if the affair why disrupt the whole family and friends by tellling them you want to separate? Makes no sense.
Starswillshine Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 The finance part doesn’t actually make sense because you may split with your old partner but then combine with the new so I’m not sure how you are worse off. In his case, he would get rid of a large mortgage, have no support to pay and would have the benefit of existing housing. In any case it’s done. Nothing about what he has done makes sense. If it were just the newness if the affair why disrupt the whole family and friends by tellling them you want to separate? Makes no sense. You wont be able to make sense of anything. You will drive yourself mad trying. I think it is possible he got caught up in it and thought it at first. But then when reality hits, he couldn't walk away. It is obvious that his home life wasnt as bad as you were led to believe. Maybe she did all the things he said, but there was some positive. Probably a lot of it is exaggerated. And likely, you dont speak much about his marriage, but he does tell you the negatives when they come up. There could still be many, many positives. This woman was his teammate for 30 years. The person he raised children with. The person he cared for and she cared for when sick. When things went wrong, she was the person for 30 years he called on and vice versa. Even in crappy situations, it is hard to walk away from that teammate. My husband cheated and I found out he was a serial cheat, and everything coming out of his mouth was a lie... and when the house crashed down, he was cruel. Abusive. Still, I have a hard time with losing my teammate. And he did the things he did (leaving his wife for their anniversary, etc) because he knew he could feed a lie to his wife and she would accept it. But you.... if he pissed you off, you could pick up the phone and completely ruin his life. Plus, he wanted to keep you around. His wife isnt going anywhere, he did a real good job blaming her for all her faults (the man is having an affair for heavens sake). Shes not leaving. But you possibly could. He needs to keep you happy so he wont lose you and also happy so you dony ruin his life....
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 (edited) {snip} He did the things he did (leaving his wife for their anniversary, etc) because he knew he could feed a lie to his wife and she would accept it. But you.... if he pissed you off, you could pick up the phone and completely ruin his life. Plus, he wanted to keep you around. His wife isnt going anywhere, he did a real good job blaming her for all her faults (the man is having an affair for heavens sake). Shes not leaving. But you possibly could. He needs to keep you happy so he wont lose you and also happy so you dony ruin his life.... Well isn’t that just the perfect strategy! And it helps him confirm to me how much he loves me! Well I was never going to pick up the phone to call his wife. Why would I when he could return the favour? It’s funny, sad really, how sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees. But why tell wife, kids and friends he is seriously thinking of ending the marriage? That wasn’t necessary but I heard it with my own two ears ... Edited November 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Artdeco Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 But why tell wife, kids and friends he is seriously thinking of ending the marriage? That wasn’t necessary but I heard it with my own two ears ... I think WOW explained it well above. He wouldn’t have told people close to him if he had just looked for sex on the side with no intention on leaving. However, intention alone won’t get him a D, and unfortunately he dropped the ball when it was time to actually be proactive about it, ie change his situation, move out, file paperwork and whatnot. He has been conflicted, and following through probably scared the living **** out of him. Sending a lame breakup text, though, is just a ****ty move in itself. He didn’t want to be confronted with your pain and disappointment, hence the text; same with his W, probably. Doesn’t want to be confronted with her pain, either. So he chose the easy way. I’m sorry.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 I think WOW explained it well above. He wouldn’t have told people close to him if he had just looked for sex on the side with no intention on leaving. However, intention alone won’t get him a D, and unfortunately he dropped the ball when it was time to actually be proactive about it, ie change his situation, move out, file paperwork and whatnot. He has been conflicted, and following through probably scared the living **** out of him. Sending a lame breakup text, though, is just a ****ty move in itself. He didn’t want to be confronted with your pain and disappointment, hence the text; same with his W, probably. Doesn’t want to be confronted with her pain, either. So he chose the easy way. I’m sorry. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. Better knowing he wasn’t just feeding me a line and does love me; worse knowing it wasn’t enough despite the loveless, lifeless marriage as he described it.
Starswillshine Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 Well isn’t that just the perfect strategy! And it helps him confirm to me how much he loves me! Well I was never going to pick up the phone to call his wife. Why would I when he could return the favour? It’s funny, sad really, how sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees. But why tell wife, kids and friends he is seriously thinking of ending the marriage? That wasn’t necessary but I heard it with my own two ears ... Read the first part again. He may have meant it at first. But then he couldn't do it.
BTDT2012 Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 (edited) But why tell wife, kids and friends he is seriously thinking of ending the marriage? That wasn’t necessary but I heard it with my own two ears ... Why would he be so intent on sharing personal conversation? That is so disrespectful. He wanted to suck you in. Twenty plus years ago I was an OW, to a man who complained about all his wife didn't do right. They are still married. Edited November 19, 2018 by BTDT2012
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 Why would he be so intent on sharing personal conversation? That is so disrespectful. He wanted to suck you in. Twenty plus years ago I was an OW, to a man who complained about all his wife didn't do right. They are still married. Yes I get the sucking in part. I don’t get why bother having those conversations in the first place if you aren’t going to follow through. It just causes untold stress and anxiety for all concerned.
elaine567 Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 I think just about everyone has been in a bad relationship or in a relationship going through a bad patch, and has spent time telling anyone who will listen how bad it is, but there is a big difference between moaning and complaining and threatening and actually leaving...
Starswillshine Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 And he may very well share everything about you if his wife found out about you. Yikes! Hope not! My WH told me everything about the OW. From physical abnormalities to her drinking issues to family issues to rehab stays. She was hurt and betrayed when I told her all I knew. I never understood how she was surprised. He told her the same about me. My medical issues was shared. And other personal details.
elaine567 Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 Yes I get the sucking in part. I don’t get why bother having those conversations in the first place if you aren’t going to follow through. It just causes untold stress and anxiety for all concerned. Yes, but some affairs are about retribution, they are about punishing they are about taking back power and control. He may indeed resent his "dreadful" wife and even his grown up kids for sticking around and sponging off him in their twenties... so he may have felt on some level, justified in hurting them and putting them under duress. Pay back time. Maybe he suddenly realised just what he was doing and reined it all back in. Affairs are complicated things...
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 So apparently after 9 weeks he finally realized they are both to blame and he felt he had to at least try since he too is part of the problem. Go figure.
WasOtherWoman Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 The finance part doesn’t actually make sense because you may split with your old partner but then combine with the new so I’m not sure how you are worse off. In his case, he would get rid of a large mortgage, have no support to pay and would have the benefit of existing housing. In any case it’s done. Nothing about what he has done makes sense. If it were just the newness if the affair why disrupt the whole family and friends by tellling them you want to separate? Makes no sense. The existing finances are a "sure thing". He knows his wife is not going anywhere and is not a threat to status quo. The new relationship is always unproven (awesome as it may seem) and they worry about winding up with no one. I think you are trying to make sense of what, to him, is a very emotional thing. You just are not going to make sense of it. I honestly think it all comes down to fear. He told everyone he was going to the ledge, actually walked to the ledge and then thought "holy crap, i can't jump." Even though he had a safety net (you), his fear still did not allow him to jump. When someone is acting out of emotion, it is not logical, and just won't make sense. 1
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 When someone is acting out of emotion, it is not logical, and just won't make sense. Exactly. And if I may, it goes for you too OP... You were acting on emotion, we all said some of what you were saying was not logical, and it didn't make sense to you either... I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but I think with time you will come to understand that it is probably for the best. I would not be surprised if he gets back with his wife, remember what issues in their marriage lead him to look outside the marriage (and find you), and then come looking for another fix. This is the kind of guy who would go back and forth, not making a firm decision, for as long as you go would let him. I'm glad to hear that you have the self worth to not let him do this... 1
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 20, 2018 Author Posted November 20, 2018 Did he try communicating with you today? I'm sure he thinking "oh crap, I've got to reel her back in". Yes he has. He’s “haunted” by our last moments together and isn’t convinced he made the right choice.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 20, 2018 Author Posted November 20, 2018 The existing finances are a "sure thing". He knows his wife is not going anywhere and is not a threat to status quo. The new relationship is always unproven (awesome as it may seem) and they worry about winding up with no one. I think you are trying to make sense of what, to him, is a very emotional thing. You just are not going to make sense of it. I honestly think it all comes down to fear. He told everyone he was going to the ledge, actually walked to the ledge and then thought "holy crap, i can't jump." Even though he had a safety net (you), his fear still did not allow him to jump. When someone is acting out of emotion, it is not logical, and just won't make sense. I guess if he were going to be logical he’d be with the person he says he loves and believes he will be happy with and not the one he barely tolerated.
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 20, 2018 Author Posted November 20, 2018 I think WOW explained it well above. He wouldn’t have told people close to him if he had just looked for sex on the side with no intention on leaving. However, intention alone won’t get him a D, and unfortunately he dropped the ball when it was time to actually be proactive about it, ie change his situation, move out, file paperwork and whatnot. He has been conflicted, and following through probably scared the living **** out of him. Sending a lame breakup text, though, is just a ****ty move in itself. He didn’t want to be confronted with your pain and disappointment, hence the text; same with his W, probably. Doesn’t want to be confronted with her pain, either. So he chose the easy way. I’m sorry. Very good analogy about the ledge. It’s a good way to put it and it actually makes sense. I guess it does make me feel like I wasn’t just being used. That still doesn’t change anything.
BaileyB Posted November 20, 2018 Posted November 20, 2018 Yes he has. He isn’t convinced he made the right choice. Of course not...
BaileyB Posted November 20, 2018 Posted November 20, 2018 (edited) I guess if he were going to be logical he’d be with the person he says he loves and believes he will be happy with and not the one he barely tolerated. Sure. But again, you are believing everything he tells you as fact... And the one thing we know about this man is, he lies through his teeth... There is someone on this board who was having an affair with a man in what she understood to be an abusive relationship. He chose to go back to the abusive partner. Go figure... Edited November 20, 2018 by BaileyB 2
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