Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

<snip<

FWIW - I still don't think his wife has any idea he wants to divorce.

I just don't think he's clean clear with her - especially if he's lying to her about where he's been going when he's with you.

If he intends to divorce - why doesn't he get completely honest?

"I'm staying with Joanne because I don't want to continue this marriage" is all it would take...but he hasn't been honest ENOUGH.

He may tell you he is - but obviously he's not since she thinks he's over at his friend's house.

 

I'm pretty sure she has a clue - no one can be THAT dense. The fact she has asked about someone else repeatedly says she knows. She even told him that her father had an affair and her parents worked through it.

 

He has told his kids and best friends (just 2 weeks ago) that he wants a separation - conversations I personally heard him have. I don't get what the point of those conversations was if he had no intent and hadn't discussed it with her. He actually told people close to her.

 

As for demands, no I'm not making anymore. I have made some demands and he's complied with all except the last and most important one. I've told him he is being cruel to everyone and he needs to make a choice. I'm not making anymore. The fact I haven't heard from him in over 6 hours says a lot IMO. He didn't have the wherewithal to tell her.

 

And no, no demands because I am angry. We saw each other Friday evening also and he didn't get home til midnight (at John's again). We got into it then. We got into it Saturday and this morning. He ruined the evening before my birthday, my birthday and the day after. He ruined my entire weekend. It's bad enough I am alone in this city, my daughter moved hundreds of miles away, my ex still gives me grief every so often, including today, Jim ruins my entire birthday weekend. It is an unforgettable birthday and not in a good way.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm curious why he has told her he wants a separation?

 

Why wouldn't he state he wants a divorce?

 

A separation puts all this in a holding pattern - that won't accomplish anything much different than it is now.

 

What was his reason for that baby step?

 

Because you can't get a divorce without being separated for at least 1 year and have an agreement for division of assets in place.

[PhoenixRising8]

Oh wow, that's quite long rules.

 

What other rules have to be followed to get a divorce?

 

Is it a fault or no fault state?

 

It can be fault or no fault. Most people opt for no fault as it's easier and less costly.

 

And in case anyone is interested, they decided to work on it. He didn't even have the guts to call. Just sent a text at the same time I sent an email on his work address to tell him that we are done and that I hope he gets the life he deserves and that I have never known anyone with such a lack of backbone and courage of conviction. Guess he didn't really love me after all.

 

Oh yes, I also wondered, given his actions and abusive behaviour, how he was any better than my narcissistic ex. Somehow, I doubt he'll be calling me in the future.

Edited November 19, 2018 by LilKatKat

[PhoenixRising8]

Oh wow, seriously? What a coward to send you a text!

 

I'm sure he loves you. He just loves himself more. He likely loves what assets he's accumulated too and doesn't want them divided.

 

Be cautious... he will contact again - mainly to see if you're willing to be up for some fun - without any expectations from him whatsoever.

 

In other words - he will call - but expects your attention without offering you a damn thing.

 

I hope you can tell him no way - or better yet don't answer him at all.

 

 

Now you can move forward and find an available man that will treat you RIGHT!

 

If this is love I want no part of it. I doubt he will contact me. I told him that I hope every time he holds her, kisses her, holds her hand and makes love to her he is haunted by memories of us. Yes I know I shouldn't have but if that what it takes for him not to contact me then so be it. I will not be his side chick again. I have always been a person of integrity and that's who I want to be again.

 

The email I sent him said I regret being complicit in his lies and gaslighting and that if he ever changes his mind, he should be prepared that it will be on my terms. I hope when he opens the email at work tomorrow he chokes on it.

 

Oh yes, and when I sent the texts I sent them in 2 and 3 line ones so that if she decides to look at his phone she can read every notification without having to actually use a code to do so.

Edited November 19, 2018 by LilKatKat

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry he couldn't msn up and tell you but it does fit MO with his wife.

 

I think he'll be back sooner rather than later, once his wife has calmed down, may even claim that it wasn't him who sent the text and that he wanted to give you some space/time to calm down before contacting you again.

 

Take care of yourself and stay strong.

[Amethyst68]

You said you sent an email splitting up with him at the same time you received the text. Had you already decided decided you were done before his text or was it meant s a kind of push for him to act?

[WasOtherWoman]

Ugh I am so sorry. I know this is painful and disappointing. It is so hard when you find out the person you thought you knew, was not really that person at all.

 

I know this is easy to say, but better to find out that he has no backbone now, rather than down the road. Who the heck wants a partner that lets life happen to them, rather than making the life that they want?

 

Just make sure to take care of yourself now......

[BTDT2012]

Learn your lesson from this experience and make better choices going forward.

[Starswillshine]

I am really sorry, LilKat. I hope eventually your heart catches up with your brain. He is doing a favor to you. Imagine spending years with this man and then realizing that you cannot be with him, just based on his indecisiveness and conflict avoidance. Imagine investing a life with him and making it even that much more complicated to get out of.

 

Take some care this holiday week. Focus on you and your family. I am really, truly sorry.

[PhoenixRising8]

You said you sent an email splitting up with him at the same time you received the text. Had you already decided decided you were done before his text or was it meant s a kind of push for him to act?

 

I literally hit send a minute after he sent the text. No it wasn’t meant to get him off the dime. I spent all day reflecting on what he put all of us through the last 9 weeks and didn’t like what I saw. It is painful because I let him do this to me. It is painful because I let my guard down. It is painful because I realize that I may not have meant to him what I thought I did. Certainly not enough. Or maybe it’s that his marriage, as unsatisfying as he made it out to be is not as intolerable as he said.

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm sorry he couldn't msn up and tell you but it does fit MO with his wife.

 

I think he'll be back sooner rather than later, once his wife has calmed down, may even claim that it wasn't him who sent the text and that he wanted to give you some space/time to calm down before contacting you again.

 

Take care of yourself and stay strong.

 

He responded to my diatribe this morning with “I truly love you and always will but turning my back on 30 years without putting in an effort is something I ultimately realized I couldn’t do”. But he still wants to be friends!

[PhoenixRising8]

I am really sorry, LilKat. I hope eventually your heart catches up with your brain. He is doing a favor to you. Imagine spending years with this man and then realizing that you cannot be with him, just based on his indecisiveness and conflict avoidance. Imagine investing a life with him and making it even that much more complicated to get out of.

 

Take some care this holiday week. Focus on you and your family. I am really, truly sorry.

 

Thank you. I am truly alone here and the only family I have is my daughter and she is hundreds of miles away. It is what it is.

[PhoenixRising8]

Ugh I am so sorry. I know this is painful and disappointing. It is so hard when you find out the person you thought you knew, was not really that person at all.

 

I know this is easy to say, but better to find out that he has no backbone now, rather than down the road. Who the heck wants a partner that lets life happen to them, rather than making the life that they want?

 

Just make sure to take care of yourself now......

 

Thanks WOW. I know you are right. My head tells me this is right. My heart on the other hand is shattered.

[ABernie]

I'm sorry. {{{{hugs}}}} I wish I had words that made this easier. I also think that he might take this time to reconsider everything.

[Starswillshine]

Thank you. I am truly alone here and the only family I have is my daughter and she is hundreds of miles away. It is what it is.

 

Hugs. I honestly dont remember what I did or how I got through those early days or I would give you tips, but I did. I got through it. Allow yourself to feel it though. Dont just push it down (unless, of course, you HAVE to focus on other things for work). Grieve. Qhat you had was real to you. Questioning whether it was for him or not wont do good (maybe it actually was, but like you said, his marriage wasn't as bad as he made it... and maybe he didnt lie but he omitted... he wont tell you the positives)... it was real to you. And right now, you are all that matters.

[BTDT2012]

He responded to my diatribe this morning with “I truly love you and always will but turning my back on 30 years without putting in an effort is something I ultimately realized I couldn’t do”. But he still wants to be friends!

 

 

I don't think this is his first affair. The worst MM is the one who future fakes.

[What_Did_I_Do]

He responded to my diatribe this morning with “I truly love you and always will but turning my back on 30 years without putting in an effort is something I ultimately realized I couldn’t do”. But he still wants to be friends!

 

So sorry OP.

 

This coward should have 'ultimately realized' the value of his 30 year marriage BEFORE he joined the dating website (if that was where you met...even if not...smh).

 

He wants to be friends so he doesn't look like the jerk in all of this and well, it just leaves that door open a wee bit. Chances are he'll be back telling you things haven't changed, still separate bedrooms and everything. Please don't fall for it. They're all lies.

[Amethyst68]

I too have my doubts about it being his first affair. I think he'll be back, it may be a few weeks or months but I think you'll get a text or email out of the blue.

 

I also wouldn't be surprised to see his profile live on the affair website if you log back in, maybe after the holidays, once he thinks things have calmed down....

[FMW]

It is painful because I let him do this to me. It is painful because I let my guard down. It is painful because I realize that I may not have meant to him what I thought I did. Certainly not enough. Or maybe it’s that his marriage, as unsatisfying as he made it out to be is not as intolerable as he said.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I completely understand, sadly many of us here on this forum do.

 

He's messed up, you'll never make sense of anything he did or said, so try and not waste energy and emotion trying.

 

Focus on completing the ending of your marriage and take time to figure out what you truly want. Use this harsh experience as a lesson to help you make better choices in the future.

 

Don't have ANY contact with him going forward, it will only confuse you, twist the knife deeper, and prolong the recovery period, which I won't lie - it will take some time. Use that time to get to know yourself and decide how you want your future to look.

 

For what it's worth I'm very happy you've reached this point. Regardless of whether he stays with her or had come to you, you could never, ever trust him to stay the course.

[WasOtherWoman]

Thanks WOW. I know you are right. My head tells me this is right. My heart on the other hand is shattered.

 

I hear you, I would have been shattered also. Being on any side of this triangle truly sucks. There is just nothing that anyone can say to help you feel better . Time will help, but i know even that is hard to believe right now. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts....

[elaine567]

Seems to me the only way some MM manage to catch quality women is to dangle the "My marriage is on the rocks and I am leaving soon" and " I love you" hooks into the water.

They deliberately choose married or attached women because that lowers the possibility of them actually having to prove the veracity of their future faking stories.

I believe here he got caught out when LilKat left her marriage and she believed they had a future together. Many OW will keep the fantasy alive despite all evidence to the contrary and will live in limbo almost indefinitely, as to lose him is unthinkable and the game is all they have.

Here, he thought he could keep his little affair going, by his "separation" story. That would give him 6 months maybe a year, maybe even longer of a leeway, but when LilKat wouldn't play that game, he spun it out for as long as he could, till he finally had to admit defeat and capitulated.

He was going nowhere; I could be wrong, but I doubt that he ever was in reality.

Sorry!

It is very hard, but I think all this is for the best in the long run.

MM are almost invariably bad news for women.

Hugs.

[anika99]

He responded to my diatribe this morning with “I truly love you and always will but turning my back on 30 years without putting in an effort is something I ultimately realized I couldn’t do”. But he still wants to be friends!

 

Oh of course he wants to be friends. Because he wants to keep his foot in the door. Because he hopes that you will still give him support and ego strokes. Because once things calm down at home he would like it if he could come around from time to time for some steamy sex. To accomplish that he will tell you that his wife is being horrible and he wants to leave again, no I really mean it this time! And he'll try to convince you to get on this ride again.

 

But he's never leaving. His wife and marriage is his security. You don't really know the man. You have lived in a romantic bubble with him for less than a year and you have only seen the side of him that he wanted you to see. His wife has been with him for 30yrs, she knows all of his flaws and she still accepts him. He knows he's not the perfect Prince Charming he pretended to be with you so he can't be sure that once you really get to know who he is that you will still want him. He knows that you both cheated on your spouses and he can't be sure that you won't cheat on him. Yes that makes him a hypocrite but hypocrites don't care that they are hypocrites they only care about looking out for themselves.

 

He has done you a huge favor. Go no contact with him and go on your trip to clear your mind and reconnect with yourself. You only left your marriage about six months ago and you wanted to jump right into another serious relationship but that's usually a really bad idea. You need time to grieve your past life and to enjoy your new single life before you can really be objective in choosing a new partner.

[WasOtherWoman]

LKK, I know some of this stuff is really hard to hear (believe me, it was for me also) But so many of these situations seem to end the same way.

 

I have been studying the subject of EMRs since i was in one myself years ago. There are just so many similarities to these things, and it is just so darn rare that this stuff actually works out. It feels like unless the married person leaves fairly quickly, or gets a solid plan of action in place, takes care of business and then leaves, that these all play out the same way.

 

There have literally been hundreds of stories, both here and on another board to which i used to belong, and in so many cases, the MM just does not have the gumption to make the changes he really wants to make, or he just really is not that motivated to leave. Either case, ends in heartbreak.

 

I am truly sorry this happened.....

[jenkins95]

Just wanted to send you a hug (((LilKatKat))). MM can be spineless, pathetic cowards sometimes - and they always end up hurting and letting people down, usually several people - ask me how I know

 

Having read the whole thread, I can see that you are unquestionably better off without him. it doesn't feel like it now, but in a few months time you will start to see it clearly. Give your brain a little time to re-wire itself and you'll soon see him for what he really is - he really isn't anything particularly special at all - he just happened to enter your life at a particularly vulbnerable time.

 

Thinking of you - you WILL be ok!

Edited November 19, 2018 by jenkins95

[PhoenixRising8]

Just wanted to send you a hug (((LilKatKat))). MM can be spineless, pathetic cowards sometimes - and they always end up hurting and letting people down, usually several people - ask me how I know

 

Having read the whole thread, I can see that you are unquestionably better off without him. it doesn't feel like it now, but in a few months time you will start to see it clearly. Give your brain a little time to re-wire itself and you'll soon see him for what he really is - he really isn't anything particularly special at all - he just happened to enter your life at a particularly vulbnerable time.

 

Thinking of you - you WILL be ok!

 

Thank you Jenkins. As I recall you are a former MM.

 

Obviously I must be really gullible because I believed him. I believed he truly wanted to leave. If he didn’t want to why would he ditch his wife to talk to me on their anniversary and mother’s day? Why would he not go out to dinner for her birthday and see me instead? Why would he start staying out all night, something he’s apparently never done? Why would he say to her, the kids and the best friends that he doesn’t want to stay in the marriage? It makes no sense to me. Why create all this drama for them? If you want to have your cake and eat it too, isn’t it better to minimize drama at home?

 

I know in my head that a life with him, at least until he divorces would have been continued drama. I know what an indecisive jerk he’s been. My heart is shattered regardless.