I don’t know if I love my husband

[Jane1212]

You were asked if your husband knew and ch you ignored the question.

 

This isn't about cheating, or you how you may define it. It's about your lack of sexual desire for your husband and your naive thinking that you can ignore it and maintain your marriage if only he moves to a big city. If you view it as cheating or not is irrelevant, its happened, as a married woman you have not been able to suppress your desires, nor will you be successful in the future.

 

I get you dont like what I'm saying, I didnt like what I was told when I started posting here either, didnt mean it was the wrong message.

 

I'm not trying to guilt you into anything, truth is no one can guilt anyone who isnt already guilty. I'm trying to get you to see that your marriage issues aren't ones were compromises can be made. Moving wont make you desire your husband. You cant promise you will want kids in a few years.

 

Really your options are end this now as amiably as possible, maybe preserving some kind of relationship, or destroying all possibilities for maintaining any kind of relationship because you cant suppress your sexual desires for 20 30 years and remain faithful.....that is my point in mentioning that other guy, you've already failed no matter if you believe you cheated or not.

 

But you are talking like every couple has sexual desire between each other. Not everyone can marry smoky hot babe, common! I bet you at least 50% of married couple don’t find each other hot. Women get fat, men get bold and have beer tommy, both get grey hair etc. do you really believe they want to have sex with each other? I don’t. In fact I believe most couples were never into each other that much sexually, they just got along well and that’s why they got married. If it wasn’t true then average joe would never get anyone and only hot and rich would have spouses. So yes I still don’t get your point of telling me that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. So are millions of other women. That’s why sex for me is not the main issue

[preraph]

But you are talking like every couple has sexual desire between each other. Not everyone can marry smoky hot babe, common! I bet you at least 50% of married couple don’t find each other hot. Women get fat, men get bold and have beer tommy, both get grey hair etc. do you really believe they want to have sex with each other? I don’t. In fact I believe most couples were never into each other that much sexually, they just got along well and that’s why they got married. If it wasn’t true then average joe would never get anyone and only hot and rich would have spouses. So yes I still don’t get your point of telling me that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. So are millions of other women. That’s why sex for me is not the main issue

 

Jane, you're right. People lose a lot of interest in sex with each other the longer they stay together. Sometimes it's one-sided, though, because some men don't need to have their emotions right to want sex, but most women need to feel something or it's not much better than a gyn exam.

 

Jane, be sure you are taking care of your own sexual needs when he's at work or something since you're not getting a lot out of sex with him. That parent/child relationship is a huge sex killer. You don't have to stay with him. You could still be friends with him unless he's too upset if you leave.

Edited October 20, 2018 by preraph

[Jane1212]

Jane, be sure you are taking care of your own sexual needs when he's at work or something since you're not getting a lot out of sex with him. That parent/child relationship is a huge sex killer. You don't have to stay with him. You could still be friends with him unless he's too upset if you leave.

 

Sure if I can find ways to satisfy myself without sex with another man that’s would be great too. Anyone has tips on that? Certain toys or something? As for leaving him, I have a panic attack every time I think about it. I might be calm when I think about when he is not around (when I’m at work or at the grocery store), but as soon as I come home and see his face I think I could never do that. Just seeing his face and hearing his voice and I feel like I can’t go on with my life without him. He told me many times, even today, that he doesn’t want to prevent me to be happy and that he is not trying to hold me back. He needs a woman who loves him with her entire heart. All I can say to him is I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to change and be the wife he deserves. I could tell him “yes, I’m not the one, you should find someone else” but I can’t say it. I just can’t.

Edited October 21, 2018 by Jane1212
Grammar

[DKT3]

But you are talking like every couple has sexual desire between each other. Not everyone can marry smoky hot babe, common! I bet you at least 50% of married couple don’t find each other hot. Women get fat, men get bold and have beer tommy, both get grey hair etc. do you really believe they want to have sex with each other? I don’t. In fact I believe most couples were never into each other that much sexually, they just got along well and that’s why they got married. If it wasn’t true then average joe would never get anyone and only hot and rich would have spouses. So yes I still don’t get your point of telling me that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. So are millions of other women. That’s why sex for me is not the main issue

 

Jump over to the other man/woman section and read, you will see your future. Read how many of those women say their marriage is like yours, now they are still married and have boyfriends and very messy lives.

 

You're right, many people dont have great sexual chemistry. Not many willingly enter sexless marriages. You are already saying you don't want sex, that doesn't get better. Besides, is your husband on the same page? Is he willing to stay married knowing your plans for having as little sex with him as possible?

[Jane1212]

Jump over to the other man/woman section and read, you will see your future. Read how many of those women say their marriage is like yours, now they are still married and have boyfriends and very messy lives.

 

You're right, many people dont have great sexual chemistry. Not many willingly enter sexless marriages. You are already saying you don't want sex, that doesn't get better. Besides, is your husband on the same page? Is he willing to stay married knowing your plans for having as little sex with him as possible?

 

Honestly he doesn’t need that much sex. And when we have sex it’s not disgusting or anything it’s just not satisfying. I know many of my family members stoped desiring their spouses sexually after about 5 years of marriage, however they stayed married anyway. If other aspects of their lives are satisfied why worry about sex that much? If we get along, move and I can do what I want career wise, then it’s not that bad I think. I think for different people sex playes different roles. For some people sex is very important for others not so much. Honestly there is no guarantee that I will ever find a man I’ll really want sexually for longer than 5 years, so then what’s the point to go through all the trouble. Now if I can live where I like and have a job that I like that’s different, that can really improve my life, way more than hot sex with some dude.

[S2B]

It's not your husband's job to sexually satisfy you.

 

You can tell him exactly how you like it... thenhehasa choiceto do it exactly the way you like or not.

 

But ultimately it yourjobto satisfy yourself. If he can help that's just a bonus.

 

He's also not to blame for your unhappiness - that's onyou... especially since you haven't been honest with him about how you feel.

 

Stop expecting him to be a mind reader - that's not fair to him.

 

Get honest. It could IMPROVE the marriage.

 

If the marriage fails - it's because you don't offer useful info that could help the marriage.

[Jane1212]

It's not your husband's job to sexually satisfy you.

 

You can tell him exactly how you like it... thenhehasa choiceto do it exactly the way you like or not.

 

But ultimately it yourjobto satisfy yourself. If he can help that's just a bonus.

 

He's also not to blame for your unhappiness - that's onyou... especially since you haven't been honest with him about how you feel.

 

Stop expecting him to be a mind reader - that's not fair to him.

 

Get honest. It could IMPROVE the marriage.

 

If the marriage fails - it's because you don't offer useful info that could help the marriage.

 

There is no certain way I like it. None. If I find someone hot it turns me on and then even without any special technique I like it. If someone doesn’t turn me on then no matter what pose or technique he does it won’t satisfy me. Simple as that. I’m not blaming my husband for my unhappiness, but I know I can’t be happy unless we make some changes. We either have to move or I have to go to IC and find ways to change my life goals and dreams. And we are talking, I mentioned before that he knows about it and he knows why I’m going to IC. There is no lack of communication

Edited October 21, 2018 by Jane1212
Grammar

[Dis]

jane, I totally understand why you're unhappy. You're young, you want to spread your wings, you don't want to be tied down with kids yet (which is very smart. Never have kids if you're not ready) and you want to have good sex. Those are all reasonable things to want and really, to need.

 

The thing is, you can't have the things you want if you stay with your husband. He wants the opposite of what you want. There is no easy fix here. You said you're going to IC and MC but that's not going to solve anything. You two just want different things and that's a problem that can't be fixed by staying together.

 

Please do what's best for you both which is to divorce

 

If you think moving to NYC or suppressing your sex drive is going to help, you'll be sadly mistaken down the line

 

The problem lies within your incompatibility which you CAN'T change without parting ways

[S2B]

There is no certain way I like it. None. If I find someone hot it turns me on and then even without any special technique I like it. If someone doesn’t turn me on then no matter what pose or technique he does it won’t satisfy me. Simple as that. I’m not blaming my husband for my unhappiness, but I know I can’t be happy unless we make some changes. We either have to move or I have to go to IC and find ways to change my life goals and dreams. And we are talking, I mentioned before that he knows about it and he knows why I’m going to IC. There is no lack of communication

 

It's YOUR job to get what you want during sex... you missed my point.

 

No man is to blame for your dissatisfaction.

 

You want pleasure? You get it yourself.

 

Your perspective must change. Haven't you learned that in therapy?

 

Why not write it all out? Write what your husband must feel like being married to you. Do that! That will give you an idea from a different perspective.

 

Seriously, do that writing assignment.

 

 

It's not a mans job to make us women happy. Or sexually satisfied for that matter.

 

Heck, you're capable of closing your eyes and your husband can then be anyone you want him to be.

 

And if that doesn't do it - then you need to have ways to get the orgasm yourself.

 

 

Are you certain you're not just dissatisfied with everything about your life? Will you ever be happy? Be honest.

[BeenThereDoneThat17]

It's not your husband's job to sexually satisfy you.

 

You can tell him exactly how you like it... thenhehasa choiceto do it exactly the way you like or not.

 

But ultimately it yourjobto satisfy yourself. If he can help that's just a bonus.

 

Ummm, what? Are you seriously serious?

 

She's married and it's "her job" to satisfy herself and he is just a bonus?

 

Wow. Glad I'm single and I think I'll stay that way.

[S2B]

Ummm, what? Are you seriously serious?

 

She's married and it's "her job" to satisfy herself and he is just a bonus?

 

Wow. Glad I'm single and I think I'll stay that way.

 

 

You got my post all backwards...

 

I said it's her job to satisfy herself if her husband doesn't do it for her.

 

He's not responsible for making her happy - that her responsibility.

[Jane1212]

It's YOUR job to get what you want during sex... you missed my point.

 

No man is to blame for your dissatisfaction.

 

You want pleasure? You get it yourself.

 

Your perspective must change. Haven't you learned that in therapy?

 

Why not write it all out? Write what your husband must feel like being married to you. Do that! That will give you an idea from a different perspective.

 

Seriously, do that writing assignment.

 

 

It's not a mans job to make us women happy. Or sexually satisfied for that matter.

 

Heck, you're capable of closing your eyes and your husband can then be anyone you want him to be.

 

And if that doesn't do it - then you need to have ways to get the orgasm yourself.

 

 

Are you certain you're not just dissatisfied with everything about your life? Will you ever be happy? Be honest.

 

Sexuality works different for different people. Some women can get orgasm easily but others can’t. Good for you if you can close your eyes and get orgasm that way. Really, congratulations. But I’m not like that. Unless it’s someone I find extremely physically attractive I can’t be satisfied. That’s how I am. I can’t satisfy myself to the same level when I do it with a really good looking guy. I really don’t get you point. I can’t change my sexuality. Maybe some women are good at it but not me. I DO need a good looking man to feel sexually satisfied. I also understand that I might never get a good looking man that’s why giving up sexual satisfaction is a logical solution for me. Please understand sex doesn’t work the same for all women. Some women can satisfy themselves, others can’t. There is no need to blame women for that. If I could it myself to the same level as with a good looking guy I wouldn’t be posting here.

Edited October 21, 2018 by Jane1212
Grammar

[Jane1212]

You got my post all backwards...

 

I said it's her job to satisfy herself if her husband doesn't do it for her.

 

He's not responsible for making her happy - that her responsibility.

 

Then it’s fair to say I don’t have responsibility to make him happy right? So if he wants to have sex with me I can just say “it’s your responsibility not mine to satisfy yourself”. Or if he comes back upset from work I can just say “it’s your responsibility to make yourself happy not mine”. What kind of advice is that? The whole point of marriage is sacrificing something in favor of another person. If that’s not the case I might as well pack tomorrow and move to NYC. Believe me I will have no shortage of guys who would want to satisfy me. And my husband can find another 19 year old to satisfy him. Great

[DKT3]

Sexuality works different for different people. Some women can get orgasm easily but others can’t. Good for you if you can close your eyes and get orgasm that way. Really, congratulations. But I’m not like that. Unless it’s someone I find extremely physically attractive I can’t be satisfied. That’s how I am. I can’t satisfy myself to the same level when I do it with a really good looking guy. I really don’t get you point. I can’t change my sexuality. Maybe some women are good at it but not me. I DO need a good looking man to feel sexually satisfied. I also understand that I might never get a good looking man that’s why giving up sexual satisfaction is a logical solution for me. Please understand sex doesn’t work the same for all women. Some women can satisfy themselves, others can’t. There is no need to blame women for that. If I could it myself to the same level as with a good looking guy I wouldn’t be posting here.

 

This post is amazing. Sex is physical not emotional. Did you know that its estimated that 30% of rape victims have orgasms. I guarantee they aren't thinking wow this guy us hot.

 

Point is, you are very much physically capable of having satisfaction with your sex life in your marriage.

 

Mental blocks prevent female orgasms, your mindset says I cant enjoy sex with my husband, so you wont.

 

It's very rare that people agree to this degree on this site. Your marriage is doomed, mainly because in your naivete you are severely underestimating the issues.

 

I really hope it works out for you. You seem like a bright loving person, I just don't see how it will happen under your current mindset.

[preraph]

Jane, whether you stay with him or not, you should at least get online and buy yourself a vibrator and take care of your excess sex needs. However, I totally get that your needs are more than just sex, that you may be yearning for a younger companion. As I said, you can always remain friends with your husband as long as it's not a bitter divorce.

[Jane1212]

This post is amazing. Sex is physical not emotional. Did you know that its estimated that 30% of rape victims have orgasms. I guarantee they aren't thinking wow this guy us hot.

 

Point is, you are very much physically capable of having satisfaction with your sex life in your marriage.

 

Mental blocks prevent female orgasms, your mindset says I cant enjoy sex with my husband, so you wont.

 

It's very rare that people agree to this degree on this site. Your marriage is doomed, mainly because in your naivete you are severely underestimating the issues.

 

I really hope it works out for you. You seem like a bright loving person, I just don't see how it will happen under your current mindset.

 

That’s just awful thing to say. Where do you get this statistics? 30% of victims enjoy sex with their rapist? I have no comments. So basically you are saying a woman should enjoy sex with whoever since it’s physical and not emotional, thus if a woman doesn’t enjoy sex it’s because of her “mental block” and it’s her fault? I’m sorry but that’s just disgusting statement. I will never agree to that. It’s very sad people still think that way about female sexuality.

[Jane1212]

Jane, whether you stay with him or not, you should at least get online and buy yourself a vibrator and take care of your excess sex needs. However, I totally get that your needs are more than just sex, that you may be yearning for a younger companion. As I said, you can always remain friends with your husband as long as it's not a bitter divorce.

 

If we get divorce it will be bitter. He will never forgive me, never. But as I said sex is not the main issue for me. It’s more about lifestyle. I think I can do ok with sex toys, but the rest of the problem will still be unsolved.

[DKT3]

That’s just awful thing to say. Where do you get this statistics? 30% of victims enjoy sex with their rapist? I have no comments. So basically you are saying a woman should enjoy sex with whoever since it’s physical and not emotional, thus if a woman doesn’t enjoy sex it’s because of her “mental block” and it’s her fault? I’m sorry but that’s just disgusting statement. I will never agree to that. It’s very sad people still think that way about female sexuality.

I didn't mean to say enjoy, I said orgasm. My point is orgasms are a purely physical reaction.

 

Sure emotional connections play a role, attraction plays a role. But from a purely scientific perspective orgasms are physical and can be had without any external stimulation

 

You completely misunderstood my post, I sorry if the misunderstanding offends you.

[Jane1212]

I didn't mean to say enjoy, I said orgasm. My point is orgasms are a purely physical reaction.

 

Sure emotional connections play a role, attraction plays a role. But from a purely scientific perspective orgasms are physical and can be had without any external stimulation

 

You completely misunderstood my post, I sorry if the misunderstanding offends you.

 

Why did you think I’m talking only about physical orgasm? I never even mentioned the word orgasm in my posts I said dissatisfaction. Then you are writing the entire post about rape victims and mental blocks. If you didn’t mean satisfaction and enjoyment with your post why even write about it? Physiological reactions are irrelevant if there is no joy in sex or satisfaction. Why even bring them up?

[DKT3]

Why did you think I’m talking only about physical orgasm? I never even mentioned the word orgasm in my posts I said dissatisfaction. Then you are writing the entire post about rape victims and mental blocks. If you didn’t mean satisfaction and enjoyment with your post why even write about it? Physiological reactions are irrelevant if there is no joy in sex or satisfaction. Why even bring them up?

 

If you have orgasms but still dont enjoy sex then it's the type of sex your having that is the issue. Communication can fix that.

 

I sensing I was correct in the beginning, you aren't looking for a solution, only a way to depart from your marriage and it not be your fault. Any logical explanation will not be good enough for you...all I can say is good luck.

[FMW]

You were tempted enough by someone else that you kissed him. I don't think that was only because you are not sexually satisfied. I think it's because you are curious about other men, most likely because you are not (and maybe never were) in love with your husband.

 

So no matter how many sex toys you get or how good you are at satisfying yourself, that curiosity and desire for something "more" probably isn't going to go away. So you'll likely face more temptations in the future. We all face temptations, but in your situation I believe it's very likely you won't resist the temptation because your desire for more will be really strong.

 

"If we get divorced it will be bitter. He will never forgive me, never."

Your husband was a mature man with plenty of life experience before he met you. He had to know he was taking a huge risk by marrying someone not even legally an adult for certain things. The issues you are experiencing shouldn't come as a shock to him. He made a gamble and it's just not working out well for the long term. It's very unfortunate but he shouldn't place all the blame on you.

[Jane1212]

If you have orgasms but still dont enjoy sex then it's the type of sex your having that is the issue. Communication can fix that.

 

I sensing I was correct in the beginning, you aren't looking for a solution, only a way to depart from your marriage and it not be your fault. Any logical explanation will not be good enough for you...all I can say is good luck.

 

What logical explanation? You just said that all women should have orgasms with any guy cuz it’s physiological reaction. And if they don’t enjoy sex after that then they just don’t communicate well or have mental blocks. There is no logic to what you are saying. I think you are here not to help or give a good advise but to blame me and vent the frustration you have with women. Did your wife cheat on you or something? Is that why you are so fixated on sex even when I said multiple times that it’s not the main issue? Listen dude, go ask your wife why she enjoyed f*cking other dude and not you. Maybe then you will understand something about female sexuality and finally will be able to differentiate satisfactory good sex from simple physiologic reaction that some women have with their rapists.

We are obviously very different people. I don’t get your point at all, you probably don’t get where I’m coming from. So just stop posting here, really, not helpful.

[Jane1212]

You were tempted enough by someone else that you kissed him. I don't think that was only because you are not sexually satisfied. I think it's because you are curious about other men, most likely because you are not (and maybe never were) in love with your husband.

 

So no matter how many sex toys you get or how good you are at satisfying yourself, that curiosity and desire for something "more" probably isn't going to go away. So you'll likely face more temptations in the future. We all face temptations, but in your situation I believe it's very likely you won't resist the temptation because your desire for more will be really strong.

 

"If we get divorced it will be bitter. He will never forgive me, never."

Your husband was a mature man with plenty of life experience before he met you. He had to know he was taking a huge risk by marrying someone not even legally an adult for certain things. The issues you are experiencing shouldn't come as a shock to him. He made a gamble and it's just not working out well for the long term. It's very unfortunate but he shouldn't place all the blame on you.

 

I understand that, but I’m sure that at least 50% of married women are curious about other men. If they can control it why I can’t? I’m willing to work on it.

As for forgiving me, I know he will not. He loves me more than anything in his life. I’m actually scared he will kill himself if I leave

Edited October 21, 2018 by Jane1212
Grammar

[FMW]

You're still very young so you don't realize that it's really not possible to KNOW anything for certain, even about yourself. So try not to be so certain about how your husband will respond to any particular circumstance.

 

I'm not sure what your purpose for posting is - you rebut different scenarios and ideas given to you. If you truly do want to stay married and just plan to take care of your sexual needs on your own, then hopefully counseling will help the two of you find happiness together.

[Jane1212]

You're still very young so you don't realize that it's really not possible to KNOW anything for certain, even about yourself. So try not to be so certain about how your husband will respond to any particular circumstance.

 

I'm not sure what your purpose for posting is - you rebut different scenarios and ideas given to you. If you truly do want to stay married and just plan to take care of your sexual needs on your own, then hopefully counseling will help the two of you find happiness together.

 

I don’t know if you read my other posts, but I specifically was looking for advise about kids and lifestyle, not sex. I mentioned that I have some sexual dissatisfaction but it’s not the main issue. I repeated it like a hundred times. For whatever reason people focused only on sex stuff and completely ignored my main concerns. Those people who gave me advise on the actual main problems that I have in the relationship were very helpful.