Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 If he said let’s move to NYC and have kids in 2-3 years then yes, I would definitely stay. If you couldn't predict before how you'd feel now, how do you know now how you'll feel in 3 years? There are imbalances in your marriage that will only get tougher with time... Mr. Lucky 2
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 If you couldn't predict before how you'd feel now, how do you know now how you'll feel in 3 years? There are imbalances in your marriage that will only get tougher with time... Mr. Lucky Nobody can predict the future, in any relationship it’s hard. But this is how I feel now and I think now since I’m older I have a better understanding of myself and thus can make a better prediction. But nothing is 100%, we never have any guarantees in life. Not you, not me, not any other person on this planet
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 He could freeze his sperm in case you decide later that you want a child. No, you should not get pregnant until you're sure you want one. It's a lot of work and it's your decision if you say yes or no. If you don't - then don't have one. Sperm is not an issue, time is. He doesn’t want to be too old when his kids are growing up. He also simply might not have energy to deal with small kids if we wait longer. And he told me that.
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Nobody can predict the future, in any relationship it’s hard. But this is how I feel now and I think now since I’m older I have a better understanding of myself and thus can make a better prediction. I doubt it. Move to NYC and your world is going to expand in ways that you can not imagine. Mr Lucky is right, your husband is only going to get older and these imbalances are only going to grow wider. You are very naive if you don’t understand this simple fact. 1
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 If he said let’s move to NYC and have kids in 2-3 years then yes, I would definitely stay. Why would you stay? That would not make you sexually attracted to him. You just dont seem to be honest with yourself. Your problem is you want to be single. Its has nothing to do with your husband in any way. You've already cheated on him, you know that you will likely do it again. Yet you want to make this about him, it's not. Bottom line is you dont want him, you want other men. Get honest. You can not be the "good guy" here, you cant make that his fault. Truth is, you married young and just dont want to be married anymore. Stop stringing this thing out, just be honest tell him you dont want him as a husband and lover. Stop trying to make it about some unfair shortcoming of his. Sometimes marriage just doesn't work, acceptance here is important. This is not working, but it's not because of him, its because you don't want him.
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 Why would you stay? That would not make you sexually attracted to him. You just dont seem to be honest with yourself. Your problem is you want to be single. Its has nothing to do with your husband in any way. You've already cheated on him, you know that you will likely do it again. Yet you want to make this about him, it's not. Bottom line is you dont want him, you want other men. Get honest. You can not be the "good guy" here, you cant make that his fault. Truth is, you married young and just dont want to be married anymore. Stop stringing this thing out, just be honest tell him you dont want him as a husband and lover. Stop trying to make it about some unfair shortcoming of his. Sometimes marriage just doesn't work, acceptance here is important. This is not working, but it's not because of him, its because you don't want him. I would stay cuz I want to try to suppress my sexuality in favor of marriage. If I can live in a place I like and have kids later maybe I can forget sex. I know that I will be less and less attracted to my husband as he gets older. But so do all women. It’s just for me it will be a lot earlier. Basically I will have to work with the IC to find out if I can suppress and give up sex. As for cheating. For me a kiss is not cheating, same for my husband. We are not the kind of couple who freaks out about kiss or touch. Sex is cheating, including oral. The rest is more of a warning sign. I don’t put tight boundaries on him and he doesn’t put them on me. He went to parties when he was swimming in the pool with naked women and I was ok with it. That’s how we are. So please don’t try to guilt me that I cheated. If we as a couple considered it a cheating I would’ve already left. My concern right now is kids and lifestyle. Sex does concern me but not as much. I think I can suppress it until menopause.
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 I doubt it. Move to NYC and your world is going to expand in ways that you can not imagine. Mr Lucky is right, your husband is only going to get older and these imbalances are only going to grow wider. You are very naive if you don’t understand this simple fact. I’ve been to NYC and LA many times. No I don’t think it will blow my mind. It will give me more opportunities which is great. I know that it’s likely that we will grow apart with my husband, that’s why I’m trying to do something about it. I’m just sick that everyone is trying to tell me that it’s all about sex and other guys. It’s not. How many times can I say it’s due to lifestyle difference and kids. These are two main reasons. These are things I need advice about.
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I’ve been to NYC and LA many times. No I don’t think it will blow my mind. It will give me more opportunities which is great. This what I mean - the new opportunities that you will find in NYC will blow your mind and further highlight the lifestyle differences you are already feeling with your husband. Does he have any desire to move to NYC other than to please you? Will he enjoy better professional, social, and entertainment options in NYC or is he happy with his current living situation - I'm going to assume he is settled professionally, close to his daughter, friends, etc... What's his story?
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I would stay cuz I want to try to suppress my sexuality in favor of marriage. If I can live in a place I like and have kids later maybe I can forget sex. I know that I will be less and less attracted to my husband as he gets older. But so do all women. It’s just for me it will be a lot earlier. Basically I will have to work with the IC to find out if I can suppress and give up sex. My concern right now is kids and lifestyle. Sex does concern me but not as much. I think I can suppress it until menopause. Good luck with that. 1
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) This what I mean - the new opportunities that you will find in NYC will blow your mind and further highlight the lifestyle differences you are already feeling with your husband. Does he have any desire to move to NYC other than to please you? Will he enjoy better professional, social, and entertainment options in NYC or is he happy with his current living situation - I'm going to assume he is settled professionally, close to his daughter, friends, etc... What's his story? For me opportunities will be better hands down, but big city life in itself won’t blow my mind. Simply because I grew up in a big city, so for me it’s just normal, nothing “wow, amazing”. Yes, he doesn’t want to move and he is comfortable where he is. The only place he would move is something peaceful and quiet, where we could raise the family, basically even smaller town or suburbs. Which really upsets me, cuz now I got all these years of education and want a good strong career. I feel like it was all for nothing. I could’ve just gotten bachelor’s degree and be a teacher and live comfortably in small town. Edited October 20, 2018 by Jane1212 Grammar
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 For me opportunities will be better hands down, but big city life in itself won’t blow my mind. Simply because I grew up in a big city, so for me it’s just normal, nothing “wow, amazing”. Yes, he doesn’t want to move and he is comfortable where he is. The only place he would move is something peaceful and quiet, where we could raise the family, basically even smaller town or suburbs. Which really upsets me, cuz now I got all these years of education and want a good strong career. I feel like it was all for nothing. I could’ve just gotten bachelor’s degree and be a teacher and live comfortably in small town. You are completely, and totally, incompatable. Ask this man to move to the big city so that you can explore career options and other opportunities and it will build tremendous resentment for him. It will create resentment in much the same way that not using your education, having children, and giving up sex when you are in the prime of your life will create tremendous resentment for you. We joked when I visited NYC - there are no "old people" in NYC. It is a young persons city - so much walking, many homes and buildings are not accessible, the fast pace of life... It is a gross generalization, but there is some truth in that. I LOVE NYC, but I would never want to live there in my later years. This marriage needs to be done. Go your separate ways and be happy... The kind thing to do would be to leave when he is still young enough to find another relationship, and have the kind of lifestyle that he wants for his life. 2
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 You are completely, and totally, incompatable. Ask this man to move to the big city so that you can explore career options and other opportunities and it will build tremendous resentment for him. It will create resentment in much the same way that not using your education, having children, and giving up sex when you are in the prime of your life will create tremendous resentment for you. We joked when I visited NYC - there are no "old people" in NYC. It is a young persons city - so much walking, many homes and buildings are not accessible, the fast pace of life... It is a gross generalization, but there is some truth in that. I LOVE NYC, but I would never want to live there in my later years. This marriage needs to be done. Go your separate ways and be happy... The kind thing to do would be to leave when he is still young enough to find another relationship, and have the kind of lifestyle that he wants for his life. Well we were not talking about living right in the city. I told him I’ll be fine in Westchester and commute to the city. At first he agreed but now he says no. Then we started talking about LA. Once again he agreed at first, then said no.
preraph Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Don't ever have kids when you don't want them. You have time for that later, and he's already pretty old to be having kids and chasing after them. I'm sure he is like a dad to you. You really didn't have a chance to have a young adulthood. It's great that you love each other in some way and I don't know if any future boyfriend would be able to understand if you still wanted to help take care of him in his old age, though. I guess if you're going to walk away, the younger he is the better, with a chance of him finding another woman, though if he keeps going for younger like he did with you, it will never happen for him. I don't know what you should do because you obviously have some love for him and him for you, but him being more like a parent, surely he understands how that could have happened. He did kind of parent you. But do not have kids with him. You don't want them. He doesn't need them at his age. Hope you figure it out. You have to realize, though, that if you start dating other guys, they will likely want children, so if you don't want them (I wouldn't expect you to change your mind between the age of 27 to 32 either), you may have trouble keeping a man.
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) Well we were not talking about living right in the city. I told him I’ll be fine in Westchester and commute to the city. At first he agreed but now he says no. Then we started talking about LA. Once again he agreed at first, then said no. Then, that's your answer. You are not compatable. You may in fact love each other, but those are big things to be incompatable - where to live, whether or not to have children, you are trying to build a career while he is closer to winding down... It's hard to imagine any relationship succeeding when the two partners don't agree on such important life decisions... Edited October 20, 2018 by BaileyB
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 Then, that's your answer. You are not compatable. You may in fact love each other, but those are big things to be incompatable - where to live, whether or not to have children, you are trying to build a career while he is closer to winding down... It's hard to imagine any relationship succeeding when the two partners don't agree on such important life decisions... I know. I’m going to IC to see if we can find a compromise. First I need to decide if I give up sex and my career can I still be happy? Maybe I can get into writing, painting or designing clothes? I also need to tell him that we have to get serious about the move. He can’t give me hope and then change his mind. It’s been like this for many years and I can’t keep going like this. We either moving or not, I need to know. The kids question is the hardest. He won’t be happy if I get pregnant at 32 but he won’t make me go through abortion. So maybe I just need to get pregnant when I want it and hope he will accept it.
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 Don't ever have kids when you don't want them. You have time for that later, and he's already pretty old to be having kids and chasing after them. I'm sure he is like a dad to you. You really didn't have a chance to have a young adulthood. It's great that you love each other in some way and I don't know if any future boyfriend would be able to understand if you still wanted to help take care of him in his old age, though. I guess if you're going to walk away, the younger he is the better, with a chance of him finding another woman, though if he keeps going for younger like he did with you, it will never happen for him. I don't know what you should do because you obviously have some love for him and him for you, but him being more like a parent, surely he understands how that could have happened. He did kind of parent you. But do not have kids with him. You don't want them. He doesn't need them at his age. Hope you figure it out. You have to realize, though, that if you start dating other guys, they will likely want children, so if you don't want them (I wouldn't expect you to change your mind between the age of 27 to 32 either), you may have trouble keeping a man. Honestly I can’t imagine myself seriously with any other man. I know it’s a possibility I will be alone for the rest of my life if I divorce. Since I’m a woman I can go for artificial insemination any time I want. As long as I have enough money to support me and my kid I’m good. 1
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) The kids question is the hardest. He won’t be happy if I get pregnant at 32 but he won’t make me go through abortion. So maybe I just need to get pregnant when I want it and hope he will accept it. Oh goodness, that's a really bad plan. If you really love this man, don't do that to him. That's an increadibly selfish and manipulative thing to do. Edited October 20, 2018 by BaileyB 1
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 All this talk about compatibility...you are compatible with who you want to be compatible with. OP doesn't want her husband, she is sexually attracted to other men . That's all, it's not about compatibility it's about desire. OP again, you have already cheated on your husband, if you aren't interested in him sexually you WILL cheat again. It's time to move on, your marriage isnt really a marriage. As someone said early in your thread you both got something out of this relationship, you no longer are interested in what benefit you had. It's not about having kids or living in NYC, it's about you not wanting to be married. Right now you are bargaining "if he only does this I would stay " I believe you would stay. You would still be unhappy and you will still cheat again. Time to let it go. Growing and deciding you want something different is what happens sometimes, no crime there. It's how you handle it that defines you. So far you are handling it poorly by cheating and try to make it your husband's fault.
stillafool Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I only have two things to add and that is: Los Angeles is a city for the young as well. I think even more so than NYC. Don't count on losing your sex drive when menopause hits because it will still be there.
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 He has already stolen a lot of your youth, do not let him steal a minute longer. He is now an old guy who wants to retire to somewhere quiet. He is no Clint Eastwood, just a boring old man. He now wants to saddle you with kids so you do not up and leave him. Get out now before he gets you pregnant. Time to leave the "parental" home and go spread your wings and fly. 2
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 All this talk about compatibility...you are compatible with who you want to be compatible with. OP doesn't want her husband, she is sexually attracted to other men . That's all, it's not about compatibility it's about desire. OP again, you have already cheated on your husband, if you aren't interested in him sexually you WILL cheat again. It's time to move on, your marriage isnt really a marriage. As someone said early in your thread you both got something out of this relationship, you no longer are interested in what benefit you had. It's not about having kids or living in NYC, it's about you not wanting to be married. Right now you are bargaining "if he only does this I would stay " I believe you would stay. You would still be unhappy and you will still cheat again. Time to let it go. Growing and deciding you want something different is what happens sometimes, no crime there. It's how you handle it that defines you. So far you are handling it poorly by cheating and try to make it your husband's fault. I already explained to you what boundaries are for our couple. You are not listening or trying to help. A kiss is cheating for you, not for us. I don’t see the point of you repeating it over and over again. What you are doing is not helpful.
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 I only have two things to add and that is: Los Angeles is a city for the young as well. I think even more so than NYC. Don't count on losing your sex drive when menopause hits because it will still be there. I guess then I have to try to suppress it after menopause as well. Many women do that.
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I already explained to you what boundaries are for our couple. You are not listening or trying to help. A kiss is cheating for you, not for us. I don’t see the point of you repeating it over and over again. What you are doing is not helpful. You were asked if your husband knew and ch you ignored the question. This isn't about cheating, or you how you may define it. It's about your lack of sexual desire for your husband and your naive thinking that you can ignore it and maintain your marriage if only he moves to a big city. If you view it as cheating or not is irrelevant, its happened, as a married woman you have not been able to suppress your desires, nor will you be successful in the future. I get you dont like what I'm saying, I didnt like what I was told when I started posting here either, didnt mean it was the wrong message. I'm not trying to guilt you into anything, truth is no one can guilt anyone who isnt already guilty. I'm trying to get you to see that your marriage issues aren't ones were compromises can be made. Moving wont make you desire your husband. You cant promise you will want kids in a few years. Really your options are end this now as amiably as possible, maybe preserving some kind of relationship, or destroying all possibilities for maintaining any kind of relationship because you cant suppress your sexual desires for 20 30 years and remain faithful.....that is my point in mentioning that other guy, you've already failed no matter if you believe you cheated or not.
brigit87 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I guess then I have to try to suppress it after menopause as well. Many women do that. You can stay with him. He sounds like he takes care of you. And yes you can suppress your sexual feelings. It's up to you. But realize you'll always feel like your missing out. (Because you sort of are.)
Author Jane1212 Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 You were asked if your husband knew and ch you ignored the question. This isn't about cheating, or you how you may define it. It's about your lack of sexual desire for your husband and your naive thinking that you can ignore it and maintain your marriage if only he moves to a big city. If you view it as cheating or not is irrelevant, its happened, as a married woman you have not been able to suppress your desires, nor will you be successful in the future. I get you dont like what I'm saying, I didnt like what I was told when I started posting here either, didnt mean it was the wrong message. I'm not trying to guilt you into anything, truth is no one can guilt anyone who isnt already guilty. I'm trying to get you to see that your marriage issues aren't ones were compromises can be made. Moving wont make you desire your husband. You cant promise you will want kids in a few years. Really your options are end this now as amiably as possible, maybe preserving some kind of relationship, or destroying all possibilities for maintaining any kind of relationship because you cant suppress your sexual desires for 20 30 years and remain faithful.....that is my point in mentioning that other guy, you've already failed no matter if you believe you cheated or not. But you are talking like every couple has sexual desire between each other. Not everyone can marry smoky hot babe, common! I bet you at least 50% of married couple don’t find each other hot. Women get fat, men get bold and have beer tommy, both get grey hair etc. do you really believe they want to have sex with each other? I don’t. In fact I believe most couples were never into each other that much sexually, they just got along well and that’s why they got married. If it wasn’t true then average joe would never get anyone and only hot and rich would have spouses. So yes I still don’t get your point of telling me that I’m not sexually attracted to my husband. So are millions of other women. That’s why sex for me is not the main issue
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