Post-break up story and staying no contact

[Endnote]

@Hophead so true how easily something small can cause us emotional pain that is...well...excruciating. Having those setbacks are not approved! Dislike! The week got better for sure, though at this point this unfinished business has brought me some anxiety. I'm glad to hold some of the cards though, especially since I think I could live without the money she owes me, but some of the things I have are very valuable to her methinks. Or maybe there's enough guilt left on her part that she is willing to give me back the money I loaned. We'll see how it goes. Any bets?

 

 

@nolanola as always thank you for the continued support. My time for this week wasn't spent on LS because I was busy as could be with things not relating to my ex, so that helps. This happening did make me feel a bit better. Funny how you mention my ex respecting me, for years one of my closest friends (who has been both the dumpee and dumper) has always made it clear that by reacting to the breakup the way I did, my ex may not like it, but she has to at least respect it. As for the equally clinical response on my part, I felt that I had no other option because well, you're right, why does she feel like bringing this stuff up 6 months after the fact? If I have to see her face to face again I think I can easily keep my composure and convey indifference. That may not be necessary because I'm not sure how she's going to get that stuff anyhow. She hasn't yet talked to me since or sent me what's owed, and that's the only way she's getting her stuff back. It's possible that she might just drop everything altogether, though now I've got her in an interesting place since I have her on record saying that she owes me money and even acknowledging the amount I owe. In another development, the following day this went down I noticed that 2 people had stopped following me on Insta (1 being a friend of hers that I've never talked about on here and another being her sister). Clearly I struck a chord somewhere, and at the least I'm a subject of conversation in her recent life, lol. Not that that's important to me, just kind of funny in a sense.

 

 

As for whether there's another motive or not, while I wish I could know for sure if there's more to this - I feel that mind reading on my part is only going to make my experience more frustrating and I quickly decided to accept her reach out for what it is, an attempt to get her stuff back.

 

 

All of my closest supporters family and friends were all very happy with how I handled this, but most importantly I felt good for standing up for myself in a way that was equally as aloof and apathetic as she has been towards me. I don't owe her much, though I'm at least morally obligated to give her her stuff back, but only if she's willing to do what's right as well. I'd honestly be very surprised if she ever attempted to reconcile unless of course it was as friends which is obviously never going to happen. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again.

[Highndry]

Your story reminds me somewhat of a friend who was married to his wife for around 10 years. He was a high income earner and she decided she wanted to finish college so he paid her way and supported them the entire time. She did not work until she graduated, then got a job as a paid intern in her field. Something changed in the year following, and she absolutely stunned him with a request for a divorce. It ended up being another man she met at her job.

 

I think you've handled this in the best way possible. No contact from the very beginning is the only way. Trying to talk a woman out of a breakup would be an exercise in futility and result in a loss of self respect as well as the respect of said woman. Most women don't leave a long term relationship until they have something else lined up, and by that point there's nothing that's going to change it. That's just the way they roll.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Highndry

[Endnote]

Well, here I am at the 7 month mark. Not much has changed since I last checked in. This past month has probably been the hardest emotionally speaking since the beginning of my breakup. Now that my ex has contacted me as I noted in my last check-in I am waiting for this unfinished business to get settled and unfortunately the ball is in her court with that. I haven't heard a thing about the money she owes me or the stuff of hers I have and it's been frustrating waiting for this to get finished up. I have no desire or reason to get it moving because I have no reason to give her her stuff back if she won't give me the money she owes. Now I wonder if I'll get it back at all, but honestly I can live without it.

 

 

I think that ultimately I'm just frustrated with where I am emotionally and I thought the 6 month mark would put me much closer to where I want to be, and here I am at 7 months and I still have so much emotional turmoil going on from this situation despite doing everything I feel was right since day 1. I guess I'll just have to keep letting time pass to move on, maybe the year mark will be much better? We'll see. I don't really want to date right now though I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of at least giving it a try. It's hard for me to imagine ever getting married again or let alone living with someone I'm in a relationship long term again, especially as I've reflected on the cold nature of the exits all of my exes have made in my life. I'm not saying it won't happen, I'm just wary of giving it another try. I don't think I felt this way after getting divorced. I definitely felt more in control after that from what I can recall.

 

 

 

I've stayed as busy as possible doing as much as I can outside of work everyday and while it helps, there are some days where I spend some time alone and that's when it usually gets tough. Isolation is no friend when trying to move on. I definitely appreciate that positive feedback I've received on this board and some of the people here that have continually encouraged me on my journey. Thanks again all for taking a look at what I have to say. I'd definitely say to stick to NC, there isn't any feeling better in these kinds of situations.

[nolanola]

@Endnote, good to see you as always. 7 months is a great milestone! There are so many people on here trying to make it to a week, so you have done great work in healing.

 

I wonder if some of the difficulty you've been having is due to her reappearance in your life. As you mention, there are parts of this that are out of your control (her paying you back). NC is all about us taking some control back, so I wonder if this recent interaction with her and where it remains has you off balance. I think a lot of us, once we get past the initial stages of NC, are actually quite relieved that we don't have to interact with our exes. We're able to keep our distance and control over our emotions. Your ex has sort of inserted herself back into your life and unfortunately not in a healing way. Is the money she owes you substantial? How would you feel about giving her things back to her and accepting that you may never get your money back? The money and things keep you guys tied together in a way and I'm wondering if cutting that tie might make healing easier. But I understand about wanting your money back too. Not trying to minimize that.

 

I'm just now at 5 months in my journey and I do feel quite a bit better most days. Some days it still really sucks though. I do recall with my previous ex that it took probably a year before I was doing much better. You were with this woman for a really long time and I think it's perfectly ok and understandable that you're not completely healed, especially given her recent return. Try to be as supportive of yourself as you can.

 

You've been such an inspiration to me with how you've handled everything and I know to others as well.

[Endnote]

@nolanola, always good to hear from you and get your support. I think my ex's contact and our unfinished business is part of my frustration. Waiting for my ex to send me what she owes me and get this stuff over with is somewhat stressful. It is substantial enough for me to rightfully get it back. There's really no reason for me to give her stuff back as long as she owes me this money. Keep in mind that I supported her while she was in school and let her live with me for free for years. I'm not saying that I expect her to pay me back for all that time she lived with me, but she is at least morally obligated to pay me what she said she would. It might come to the point where she doesn't pay me at all. I'm probably okay with not getting it because that is a possibility, but at this point I have no interest in rewarding her behavior by giving her what she wants. We'll see though, I don't see my stance changing but I would like to get this sh*t over with. I'm glad that I can be an inspiration but it doesn't stop the struggle, not yet at least, hehe. I'll catch you over on your thread!

[Theonetwo]

Hang in there Endnote. In my thread i detailed my journey and even after 17 years and a seperate relationship that lead to divorce, my recurring ex still causes triggers if she somehow gets in touch with me. I would advise you to get all her stuff off your property, this way there is no reason for her to contact you. Have a relative work out the loan repayment.

 

You will have good days and bad days. You clearly loved this women and thats what you lost, a loving relationship one that to years to build. Its totally fine to mourn the lose of that.

 

Stay strong..