Moving on from past affair and divorce

[DKT3]

Well you obviously are very angry at your wife and really shouldn't be with her anymore.

 

OP, it's good DK posted this stuff. Read how he feels about his wife. He stayed but he is angry. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Living with a man who says he forgives you but really doesn't?

 

OP you messed up your marriage. Fine. So, you'll need to accept that. Maybe one day you'll have a relationship where it works. IDK.

 

Haha, you could not be more wrong. In that moment I was angry. Now our marriage is strong, we are happy.

 

Beside, she doesn't have the option of staying. Her husband divorced her and moved on. She is still stuck. She is stuck because she feels she has been wronged. Reinforcing that isnt helpful

Edited October 19, 2018 by DKT3

[BeenThereDoneThat17]

Haha, you could not be more wrong. In that moment I was angry. Now our marriage is strong, we are happy.

 

Beside, she doesn't have the option of staying. Her husband divorced her and moved on. She is still stuck. She is stuck because she feels she has been wronged. Reinforcing that isnt helpful

 

Haha, you are clearly angry and not happy. Every one of your posts broadcasts that.

[BeenThereDoneThat17]

PS... time for a name change

 

DKTA4

[knitwit]

There is very little room for pride and vanity in attempting to reconcile after infidelity for either spouse. A wayward spouse who wants to stand proudly and not humble themselves will never be successful in doing such. Humiliation is silly? Well if that were true then it would be silly for any betrayed spouse to consider taking a cheater back, there is nothing more humiliating in a marriage then to forsaken for another.

 

Most betrayed spouses feel humiliation as part of the emotional pain from the betrayal. It is a strongly negative feeling linked with shame. Nearly all betrayed struggle with the question "What does s/he have that I don't? What makes him/her better, that would allow my WS to do this horrible thing?" It is a massive hit to the ego, to one's self esteem. The ego hit needs to be healed, and self-esteem re-built.

 

There is a truth that is posted here and on most other marriage boards: a person who cheats is 100% responsible for the decision to cheat. It is a problem with the cheater, not with the spouse. The marriage can be terrible, but a spouse has many options on who to react/handle a bad marriage. The decision to cheat is about how the cheater decided to handle their marriage.

 

Helping the wayward accept that s/he is fully responsible is one side of the coin; the other is that the betrayed is not the cause of the cheating and they are not responsible for it. If on believes the cheater cheated because their spouse wasn't good enough, then yes, a BS will hold onto the feeling of humiliation. If the cheater alone is responsible for cheating then the BS can (and should, for their own sake) let go of the humiliation. In fact, I suspect that is exactly where many betrayed get stuck; they have a hard time emotionally getting to the real belief that they didn't cause they cheating. They can't get the past the feeling of " I wasn't good enough".

 

I just posted a huge simplification of a complex process. I suspect any former betrayed spouse who reconciled will say there were periods of time where they felt strongly humiliated, but if they were able to truly reconcile, the feeling of humiliation leaves over time. A betrayed spouse who doesn't stop bringing up the affair and the hurt is a betrayed spouse who is not healing.

 

At some point, in a successful reconciliation, the betrayed has to forgive the WS. Note that I didn't define forgiveness as "approval"; to forgive doesn't mean believing that what happened was OK. To forgive IMO is to acknowledge the harm, the loss, and to consciously decide to stop using it against that person mentally, verbally, emotionally, physically.

 

I recommended that the OP find forgiveness for herself. She seems to have fully realized that she was the cause of great pain for many people and for the destruction of the family unit. She will remain stuck as long as she continues to beat herself up. She can be remorseful and sad for the loss of her husband and her family. Yet at the same time, she can soothe herself- I would argue that she must, if she is going to move forward. If I were her friend in real life, I would be asking what her, "what are you telling yourself?" She can tell herself "I had serious character defects and it costs me everything, and it hurt the people I most love in the world. But I am at heart a good person and I can rebuild. I will address my character issues. I will live with integrity. I can be more helpful and less self-centered. I can and will get back into life. I can make sure I am a person who will never do anything like this again!" She needs to be kind to herself and rebuild and keep focused on the positive.

 

She does also need to forgive her husband. Her husband divorced her, and that was a consequence of her cheating. It wasn't wrong for her H to do this. It did, though, deeply hurt her. Her H probably wondered why his wife, if she loved him, would cheat, and he may have wondered if she ever loved him. She is now standing, knowing she did wrong but wondering why, if he loved her, he wouldn't consider reconciliation like so many other BSs do, and whether, given his new indifference to her, whether he ever loved her. But she does clearly understand in her posts that she is the one who caused all this.

 

And so yes, if she is going to move forward, she is going to have to acknowledge the hurt she feels at her exH's decision to divorce and the loss of his love as well has her family unit, and she will consciously have to decide to not hold it against him in thought, word, or deed. The great Don Henley called forgiveness the "heart of the matter...forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore."

 

Obviously forgiveness is a process (a long one for most of us). Yet you can so clearly see in life the people who hold onto, even keep a running count, of their grievances, of the people who wronged them, who nurse their resentments. It is so much better to strive for forgiveness for our well being.

 

The OP has reached a fork in the proverbial road. She knows this, as she is reaching out. Of these things are much more complicated and messy in real life, but I hope she is able to find a direction for herself. She is still pretty young, in her 40s, and likely has many years ahead of herself. I've witnessed people in their 50s, 60s, and 70s rebuild. But they've had to let go of their old life. They don't forget, they learn from their mistakes and they look forward. I hope the OP joins them and rebuilds.