Issues with wife - need some understanding

[BaileyB]

Truthfully, marriage shouldn't be this hard.

[darkmoon]

married only 2 years and she blags 10k from you

 

look at your life how I just saw it, move on

[elaine567]

3-4 weeks ago she sounds like she was all prepared to leave, bags packed, money sourced, divorce on the cards...

Why?

What happened before that?

You say at MC she does all the talking, so what does she actually say?

[ai_hawk]

So she said to cancel and reschedule today's MC - didn't say why. Not sure why.

She complains about me like I'm negative and I'm apparently on these dating sites (when I am not, they were very old dormant profiles that I even forgot about) from over a year ago when she brought it to my attention.

 

But when she shouts at me, only so much I can take and I just walk out to cool off and go to a friends and give us some space and time to reflect - she doesn't reflect in the true sense but instead just keeps mounting other things, thinking things that are not true and believing in it and having it out on me again.

 

In terms of this letter to my attorney, she wanted me to write to them to say that the case should be resolved and no further action is needed (words to that effect).

However I write in a professional yet friendly manner in general and she even criticized that saying that I write to them like they are my friend!

 

WTF? Not at all! I am a business man in general and I know the difference and I am unique in that balancing act. She actually does not write things properly in general nor is a clear communicator (and does not use punctuation correctly either!!)

 

I dunno. It's just odd. I tell her ok, I will do this (writing letter) but what about her? She said that there is not anything she can do until my attorney reaches out to her attorney.

 

but why does it matter? I have done my portion (as dictated by her) - why can't she do the same?!

 

it's frustrating.

 

tomorrow is our anniversary. stupidly I bought gifts and have a reservation at a quality restaurant (of course, she does not have many clothes in the closet as they are boxed... somewhere in storage!!!!)

 

 

last night we did have intimacy but there was still a bit of this distance. She didn't say my name at all though... if you get my gist.

 

 

 

and you are right. Marriage shouldn't be this hard but she is totally making it hard. I will always put my hand up and say I am wrong when I am wrong, but I didn't do anything. She really can be a very hot head and does not cool down or see things from a proactive/collective/rationale manner.

 

in MC again, she just lays into me. I'm negative and I'm breaking communication when I am totally not. I am a clear and effective communicator! She breaks the communication and misconstrued words and gives a total different meaning to whatever context we are talking about. She can't deal with the "heavy" or "heart to heart" things with me at the moment either...

[elaine567]

She complains about me like I'm negative and I'm apparently on these dating sites (when I am not, they were very old dormant profiles that I even forgot about) from over a year ago when she brought it to my attention.

 

 

She believes you are cheating on her?

You have been married 2 years, why were you still on dating sites a year ago?

If she doesn't trust you one inch then you going to "friends" to "cool off" is just going to inflame matters, surely?

[ai_hawk]

elaine: let me clarify.

 

I was not on dating sites. I was before I met her when I was truly searching for my partner for marriage. I signed up to lots and then some I forgot about because they were not working for me. Others I shut down because there was more "activity" on them.

 

Because I was travelling back and forth for work, she was suspect and then hired a PI on me and they found these dating sites which again, I forgot about. I was never on any such sites or communicated with anyone during our marriage at any point. I have been cheated on in the past and I know what it is like. Just like she has (and she has been married before...and engaged before too).

 

Now this recent episode has nothing to do with that. I don't know what it is about to be fair. she kept randomly saying, especially late at night when I am settling in for bed that she is "leaving"... I got so sick of the total randomness at times that I just ridiculed our a few times saying "ok, hurry up... go"... just in the heat of the moment. but that still is a way over exaggeration for all of this and how she has been treating me for the past month literally every day.

 

cannot say or do anything right without being scolded. cannot be emotional or ask for her understanding on anything. even the very basic things... just nothing.

Edited October 9, 2018 by ai_hawk

[elaine567]

elaine: let me clarify.

 

I was not on dating sites. I was before I met her when I was truly searching for my partner for marriage. I signed up to lots and then some I forgot about because they were not working for me. Others I shut down because there was more "activity" on them.

 

Because I was travelling back and forth for work, she was suspect and then hired a PI on me and they found these dating sites which again, I forgot about. I was never on any such sites or communicated with anyone during our marriage at any point. I have been cheated on in the past and I know what it is like. Just like she has (and she has been married before...and engaged before too).

 

Now this recent episode has nothing to do with that. I don't know what it is about to be fair. she kept randomly saying, especially late at night when I am settling in for bed that she is "leaving"... I got so sick of the total randomness at times that I just ridiculed our a few times saying "ok, hurry up... go"... just in the heat of the moment. but that still is a way over exaggeration for all of this and how she has been treating me for the past month literally every day.

 

cannot say or do anything right without being scolded. cannot be emotional or ask for her understanding on anything. even the very basic things... just nothing.

Women rarely forget, so the fact it was so bad she got a PI onto you is I guess still fairly significant here.

Women tend to keep stock. Men tend to think things are sorted,"That was weeks, months, years ago..." but to women these transgressions and issues are right to the forefront. Women tend to stick around and stick around and one day when there are too many black marks accumulated, they leave.

I guess your wife is conflicted, she probably does not want to go, hence why she is still there but she wants a better you than the one she is getting atm. I could be wrong, but she is acting out and needs reassurance, not "Ok hurry up and go..."

[ai_hawk]

understand but she is not the type of the "need reassurance" category, unlike me...

[elaine567]

Maybe not but "I am leaving" in bed I guess is done to elicit more of a "Please don't go" rather than a "Hurry up, don't let me stop you..."

[ai_hawk]

understood as I have said the "please don't go" before a couple of times.... this time i just cannot have handled the situation again but regardless, its way over the top with what she is doing.

[ai_hawk]

So our anniversary 2 days ago was good. She has been better in the last 2 days but this morning... fowl mood. "Leave me alone" as I was putting on my shoes to go grocery shopping, and I didn't do anything. Of course, made had a cup of coffee in the morning and she couldn't sleep last night but never told me why.

 

I decided to go to the grocery store as we made a list of things we need, thought I would get a head start in the morning and one less thing to do this morning and since then she has been in a fowl mood. She has been in bed all day but has held my hand for a while earlier.

 

I don't know what's going on. I don't get it. I don't know where I am or what the deal is and we were supposed to go out to look around for some things/shopping.

[ai_hawk]

She is like preoccupied...distant, won't talk or engage. not sure what to do.

im uneasy, anxious...

[Springsummer]

Hi Hawk, the way you have written it is apparent that you are a weak person who cannot stand firm on what he believes to be true. You appear to be a cringing kind of a guy. You cringe from everything that your wife does. As somebody mentioned you have to have a backbone otherwise your wife will roast you over a spit. She rides rough shod and you meekly accept it. You sound as if you lack that thing called the manly coefficient. If you've heard the song 'Coward of the county' sung by Kenny Rogers you'll know what I mean but old Yeller finally found his mojo when his girl was molested and taught the guys who did it a lesson they never forgot. That is what you have to do. Art present your union is completely unequal and your wife is the school marm who, when she cracks her whip, can make you dance to any tune that she wants you to. If you want to stay in this marriage then you have to assert yourself else just get out of it. You do not owe loyalty to your wife if she does NOT treat you as a husband. Think about it.

 

This post nailed it.

 

Keep complaining, whining and asking are useless without the courage to change and the serenity to accept the reality.

[ai_hawk]

The problem is even if I am assertive.. she just takes it totally way out of bounds. Almost got into a first argument this morning/last evening for something that is so simple and straight forward. It's been 3-4 weeks since we had any arguments but just really pleasant and good.

 

 

then I dunno, just all of a sudden....she tried to make something out of totally nothing. Can't even bring something special/different/nice for her and me into the marriage without her being sceptical. know what I mean?

[Springsummer]

Your assertiveness scares no one, because she knows you already and she knows she has the ultimate power - the fact that you can not let her go.

 

The only thing you can change is yourself: Do not cling on someone who doesn't respect and love you. Be strong and move on.

 

and the wisdom to recognize that you can not change her and can not make her to love you...at least it is too late now at this point.

[MountainGirl111]

She's "preoccupied'? Maybe she's the one having an affair even though she has accused you of doing so. I hate to say anything to make you feel even worse than you do, but stranger things have happened. You never know. Sometimes the person giving out accusations is actually the more guilty party.

 

She doesn't seem to want to engage? What are the "rules of engagement" in the dynamics of your relationship? Does she easily get on the defensive or put you on the defensive? What are the "weapons" of engagement when you guys fight/argue? It sounds like she is avoidant. Why would that be?

 

Sounds like to me she is pretty good at turning your attempts at being positive into a negative. Why would that be? There is something that is stopping her from engaging on the level you would like.

[Mumbles]

My wife has HPD, a form of narcissism, yours probably doesn't but I see parallels in that everything is always about her and how the world (mostly me) doesn't provide her with ... (enter 'thing' of the day). If you challenge a personality like this it will pour fuel on the already simmering fire and blow up into something huge - so I don't.

 

It has taken me years to work out how to deal with this personality but its all boiled down, ultimately, into me being internally strong and directed. I let her have her rants, all the while, fairly impassively, following my own direction and path. Ultimately, quite quickly actually, she will simply burn off that energy and return to a fairly normal state.

 

What I really want to comment on though is you working from home. Its not clear to me, but is your wife normally at home as well? It seems like maybe yes, given that you are losing clients due to her 'stealing your attention' during the day when you should be working.

 

I have a home office, but when my wife is at home the chances of me getting anything productive done are zero. Literally zero. She can't seem to get her head around the possibility that working from home is "real" work and actually pays the bills. To her, its me just fluffing around, and it drives her bonkers ... so then she drives me bonkers (smile).

 

It may not be the root cause of things for you, but I'd suggest getting a small office somewhere close to your home. Keep things manageable rental wise, because its purpose is only to get you out of the house where you can be productive. It also keeps you out of the house, where the wife is, and lets her 'miss you' somewhat. You are not constantly there and available to get poked and prodded by her at any time.

[MountainGirl111]

Reminds a little of the couple who doesn't know how to be around just each other when they hit the empty nest. One is usually more needy than the other and cannot figure out why so stand offish. The reality may be she has always been this way it's just become more evident for some reason. What you need is a shop or a barn or a shop with an office attached or something. Don't know if that's a realization you can make or not. Easier said than done. Long term relationships can lose their fire, sadly. We see that a lot. Or, people just get into a relationship rut and they don't seem to think they need to try on their end of things to keep things close and loving. You want fulfillment from the relationship with your wife. That's not happening. So, you're probably going to have to find things in life that bring you fulfillment yourself.

[Redhead14]

she is the only one that says a lot and I barely get anything in.

 

AI, whenever couples come to me for counseling, I usually recommend that each partner have an individual therapist (depending on the issues and apparent overall quality of the relationship). In your case, I would recommend individual counseling for you right now. If you wife would entertain that as well, that would be best. I usually coordinate between the two individual counselors. When the couple has spend some time in individual therapy, we begin to bring them together into a couples environment.

 

I realize this is expensive, so I'd discontinue couples counseling for a bit and just seek individual. As much as you say she's not much of a communicator, she's running the counseling session it appears.

 

Start with individual counseling for yourself, recommend it for her, and go from there. You seem to be becoming exhausted by the relationship so just do it for yourself right now.

 

From this brief description, I'll be blunt, it appears she has "elevated" narcissism and/or is immature with her communication skill. She is at best passive-aggressive but I suspect there would be quite a bit of gaslighting going on. This is a difficult personality to deal with and most anyone would need some guidance to deal with it.

 

She also stole 10K of my money about 3-4 weeks ago from my account and said she has no problem returning it but she has not to date. And I wont bring it up either. That was for my business taxes. - If she is not a named partner/party in the business, this is a criminal offense. And, if she is not a named party in the business, I am confused about how she had access to the business accounts . . .

Edited November 2, 2018 by Redhead14

[ai_hawk]

Thank you. You are indeed correct.

 

in terms of the money, this was taken from my bank account that had her on the account (personal account).

 

But you are correct. passive-aggressive and narcissistic. I am indeed exhausted but at least I am devoted and committed unlike some guys.

 

*sigh*

[Redhead14]

Thank you. You are indeed correct.

 

in terms of the money, this was taken from my bank account that had her on the account (personal account).

 

But you are correct. passive-aggressive and narcissistic. I am indeed exhausted but at least I am devoted and committed unlike some guys.

 

*sigh*

 

I applaud your commitment and desire to hold the marriage vow as "sacred". It is important to explore all the avenues before you decide the leave a marriage. I'd like to point out that while you are married and the vow should be taken seriously, the truth is if both parties are not committed to doing the work required to maintain, respect, enrich the relationship with a view to the extended future of the relationship and the communication is poor, it really isn't a marriage. In essence, the vows taken are moot and just a hood ornament, so to speak.

 

Do as much as you can for as long as you can without "compromising" yourself. Take some time for yourself and give yourself some breathing room. You can't be an effective, focused partner anyway if you're exhausted. (And, get your business money separated from your personal accounts. Co-mingling like that is risky at best for other reasons besides a wife who "steals" from it).

[ai_hawk]

Thank you.

 

she has been in a fowl mood since yesterday. No idea why. Won't really say anything. And things like this morning where I kiss her, and she kisses (barely) but then moves away because... TV is far more important.

 

I don't get this. And we are supposed to be going away in 2 weeks to a show as well. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I am always the bad guy. The MC even said to not talk about the past much but move forward and she brought the past up again yesterday, falsely accusing me of cheating (this started over a year ago). Then she questions why I am complementing her... I mean really?

 

I write her notes/love type letters each day (pretty much) for the past week... but I get nothing back except "thanks".

[Marc878]

Thank you. You are indeed correct.

 

in terms of the money, this was taken from my bank account that had her on the account (personal account).

 

But you are correct. passive-aggressive and narcissistic. I am indeed exhausted but at least I am devoted and committed unlike some guys.

 

*sigh*

 

Sounds like an excuse to continue to get walked on and treated bad.

 

I think you've taught her how she can treat you. Expect more going forward.

 

The only one keeping you where you are is you.

 

Better check your phone bill

[Marc878]

I applaud your commitment and desire to hold the marriage vow as "sacred". It is important to explore all the avenues before you decide the leave a marriage. I'd like to point out that while you are married and the vow should be taken seriously, the truth is if both parties are not committed to doing the work required to maintain, respect, enrich the relationship with a view to the extended future of the relationship and the communication is poor, it really isn't a marriage. In essence, the vows taken are moot and just a hood ornament, so to speak.

 

Do as much as you can for as long as you can without "compromising" yourself. Take some time for yourself and give yourself some breathing room. You can't be an effective, focused partner anyway if you're exhausted. (And, get your business money separated from your personal accounts. Co-mingling like that is risky at best for other reasons besides a wife who "steals" from it).

 

Abuse is abuse. This is how a lot stay in an abusive relationship. Loving on hopium that it'll get better. It won't

[ai_hawk]

Agreed. Abuse is abuse.

 

It's difficult. Doesn't need to be but she is making it like this, then turns it around on me.

 

the past 3-4 weeks were actually getting a lot better then a big slump yesterday. And I'm supposed to care and show empathy/be with her easily? hmmm - not so much. she doesn't make it as such.