max3732 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 I've been chatting with someone online that I'm meeting soon for coffee and a walk and wanted to get some tips about how to prevent getting in the friend zone with her. My last 2 dates the woman has said she likes me as a friend, but not anything romantic after our 1st dates. As I posted before I get extremely nervous, wooden, and boring. With this date if she anything like her online pictures she's absolutely gorgeous. I've only met one other person through OLD that compares to her physically. From our chatting online and her profile we both play the same sports and have similar professions and education. Our chatting was basically sharing funny stories after I commented on something on her profile and I like her sense of humor. Aside from doing my best to not be nervous and have more confidence what else can I do give myself the best chance of making her like me romantically? I picked the place and am very comfortable there so I'm hoping that will make things easier. Are there topics I should talk about besides the usual "what do you do for fun" or "what do you do" (I already know the job description).
Mardelis Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Play it cool and be confident. Attractive women can read desperation and insecurity like a shark smells blood in the water, and she'll lose interest immediately. 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 The friendzone is basically just a rejection. It's not a misunderstanding of your intentions. 5
SunnyWeather Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 "coffee and a walk" meh. nothing sexy about that. coffee meet ups are for friends, at least in my opinion. 2
Versacehottie Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 "coffee and a walk" meh. nothing sexy about that. coffee meet ups are for friends, at least in my opinion. I agree. If you came across as dynamic with your comments on her profile and funny stories, it'd be best to come across as confident and dynamic and not meh on the date. That is part of the reason she said yes. Unless you know and are not worried about your conversational abilities (which i think is not the case based on your posts about yourself; you are wanting to feel more secure in general), then I think you should do an activity that's fun. Something to show a carefree, fun, funny side. Also if your heart rate goes up, people transfer that physical "excitement" to the person they are with, attributing it to you (often,not always). Also coffee is a cop out date IMO. Lack of imagination, unwillingness to be spontaneous, or "risk" anything, comes off as what people to interview potential new gf/bf. 2
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 My ideal first meet up would be a cocktail bar with a nice outdoor patio. The kind that has fireplaces and couches if you live in the north like I do. liquid courage helps. Relaxed posture is key. 2
alphamale Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 "coffee and a walk" meh. nothing sexy about that. coffee meet ups are for friends, at least in my opinion. indeed SW....take her to a scary movie. studies show that fear tends to bond couples 2
ElKay Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Do something fun like bowling! Easy to laugh and have some banter/competitiveness come up. I hated coffee dates and avoided them like the plague. 1
Author max3732 Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Do something fun like bowling! Easy to laugh and have some banter/competitiveness come up. I hated coffee dates and avoided them like the plague. Well for the 1st date I wanted to keep it simple, just using it to scout and make sure she is who she says she is. We are also going to be walking by a place I mentioned in one of my stories so I thought it was a good connection. If she says yet to a second date what do you think about playing our shared sport together? Part of the reason also is I asked someone else online who told me she enjoys bowling to get and she said "I haven't even met you yet, I'm not ready to go bowling". This was after she invited me to a high end restaurant. So I'm a bit confused with this OLD how involved to make the 1st date or what kinds of things to do. Since I already asked her for this date and she accepted I don't think I should change on her now. Nothing specific I should do or try and talk about? I find when I get nervous on these dates I repeat the same few conversations regardless of who I'm with. I'm trying to think about how to greet her/say goodbye, and what topics to discuss while we're walking around. Also trying to touch her at all is a big deal for me. With my last date I was able to do it a bit better, but with this date she's so beautiful I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it
MaleIntuition Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 I think coffee is fine for an OLD meetup, the issue with “friendzone” is not about which venue you choose, but has everything to do with how you behave. The most common tip is: don’t behave like a friend. The clue is that most women not only want to be attracted to you, they also want to feel that you are attracted to them. Wait no longer than two dates to kiss her. This thread is a very enlightening example of what’s going on in some women’s head: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/665930-great-first-date-but-very-little-touching 1
MaleIntuition Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 Since I already asked her for this date and she accepted I don't think I should change on her now. Nothing specific I should do or try and talk about? I find when I get nervous on these dates I repeat the same few conversations regardless of who I'm with. I'm trying to think about how to greet her/say goodbye, and what topics to discuss while we're walking around. Also trying to touch her at all is a big deal for me. With my last date I was able to do it a bit better, but with this date she's so beautiful I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it Greet her with a hug, it’s a date. Say goodbye with an even longer hug, unless you decide to go for a kiss which might be to soon.
Author max3732 Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 I think coffee is fine for an OLD meetup, the issue with “friendzone” is not about which venue you choose, but has everything to do with how you behave. The most common tip is: don’t behave like a friend. The clue is that most women not only want to be attracted to you, they also want to feel that you are attracted to them. Wait no longer than two dates to kiss her. This thread is a very enlightening example of what’s going on in some women’s head: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/665930-great-first-date-but-very-little-touching That sounds like me on the date! I just feel very uncomfortable initiating touch with someone I don't know. Also, I'm afraid if I try to take her hand or kiss her she's going to think I'm only after her physically. I know I play it way too safe and that it's probably what put me in the friend zone. Are you saying I should try to kiss her on the 1st date? It's been years since my last kiss. We're going to be walking around the park so I don't know if I should take her hand or not. Will she think that's too aggressive?
coolheadal Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 I've been chatting with someone online that I'm meeting soon for coffee and a walk and wanted to get some tips about how to prevent getting in the friend zone with her. My last 2 dates the woman has said she likes me as a friend, but not anything romantic after our 1st dates. As I posted before I get extremely nervous, wooden, and boring. With this date if she anything like her online pictures she's absolutely gorgeous. I've only met one other person through OLD that compares to her physically. From our chatting online and her profile we both play the same sports and have similar professions and education. Our chatting was basically sharing funny stories after I commented on something on her profile and I like her sense of humor. Aside from doing my best to not be nervous and have more confidence what else can I do give myself the best chance of making her like me romantically? I picked the place and am very comfortable there so I'm hoping that will make things easier. Are there topics I should talk about besides the usual "what do you do for fun" or "what do you do" (I already know the job description). For one thing stop taking them to have coffee. Go some place fun and a place you feel more confident. If you don't show strength and confidence today these 2018 women just going to say I like you as a friend then move on to the next guy. They want men or are not boy's but a real man who can lead, be there body guard and be their lover. What is you like to do that you have in common with them? Then that is where you take them on your first place. If you fall apart on the date you might as well get up say thanks for coming. Before they place you in the friends zone. If you loose words talk about her as her things just don't let things get boring. Think about that word boring if you start acting like that would you want to be with girl that does that. Nope.
MaleIntuition Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 That sounds like me on the date! I just feel very uncomfortable initiating touch with someone I don't know. Also, I'm afraid if I try to take her hand or kiss her she's going to think I'm only after her physically. I know I play it way too safe and that it's probably what put me in the friend zone. Are you saying I should try to kiss her on the 1st date? It's been years since my last kiss. We're going to be walking around the park so I don't know if I should take her hand or not. Will she think that's too aggressive? Honestly, don’t worry about that. Stick around on this forum and you will see plenty of threads started by women wondering if the guy they are seeing is only after sex. Take some clues from the bad bad-guy book... Personally I consider hand holding very intimate and would stay clear of that. A slightly extended hug at the end, perhaps some light touch every now and then on the arm/shoulder/back while walking. Should be doable. Conversation wise, ask questions and follow ups, be interested and interesting.
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 (edited) Well for the 1st date I wanted to keep it simple, just using it to scout and make sure she is who she says she is. We are also going to be walking by a place I mentioned in one of my stories so I thought it was a good connection. If she says yet to a second date what do you think about playing our shared sport together? Part of the reason also is I asked someone else online who told me she enjoys bowling to get and she said "I haven't even met you yet, I'm not ready to go bowling". This was after she invited me to a high end restaurant. So I'm a bit confused with this OLD how involved to make the 1st date or what kinds of things to do. Since I already asked her for this date and she accepted I don't think I should change on her now. Nothing specific I should do or try and talk about? I find when I get nervous on these dates I repeat the same few conversations regardless of who I'm with. I'm trying to think about how to greet her/say goodbye, and what topics to discuss while we're walking around. Also trying to touch her at all is a big deal for me. With my last date I was able to do it a bit better, but with this date she's so beautiful I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it I'm going to say that this (bolded) is exactly why a lot of coffee dates fail. It seems like a scouting mission from someone who is too stingy with their time, money, too non-trusting and uninspired to do anything else or take a risk. While you will get your "scouting" to find out if she is who she says she is/looks like she is supposed to look, you miss the opportunity to make a good first impression yourself. You will likely come off as someone dull, cautious, timid reserved or rigid rather than at least a bit free and confident and spontaneous. If you already struggle by getting friend zoned and making conversation and physical moves, do you really think you can overcome this environment & likely attached perceived qualities. Take a risk at least. There has to be something to do on the walk or just the walk itself or bowling that is also good for "scouting" her out. A little risk won't hurt you for a game of bowling let's say. Or something. If the way you have been doing it hasn't been working as you say, don't you think you should give alternatives a chance? Edited to add: that if you ask a lot of couples who are together what attracted them to the person, they will describe a first date where things were not the "norm", where they took a leap of faith in some way. It can often be said that if you take the leap, the attraction is more likely to be generated. I think you have said before that you play tennis--i'd much rather do that on a first date than go to coffee. Edited October 7, 2018 by Versacehottie
guest569 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 I don't mind coffee for a first date at all. If the attraction is there, it doesn't matter what you're doing. I don't think you should feel pressured to get physical on a first date either. Gradually ease into it, if the date goes well and you hit it off then maybe on the second date take her hand when the moment feels right. ??
Larry56 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Max, listen to your boy Larry here. All the commentators here are tripping you up by saying you need to do something 'exciting' because coffee is boring. They are wrong. As usual. Listen to the playboys here as we know something they don't. First of all..this isn't what you'd call a date. It's a meeting. That's not a date so don't treat it like a date. Coffee is totally fine. Make it 30 - 60 mins max and do it somewhere where there is a good atmosphere. That's totally acceptable. 1). Dress properly, Don't smell bad, don't use heavy cologne. 2). Don't talk about serious stuff. Tell stories..talk about events..stuff that she can relate to but it's something she has no idea about but has a funny edge to it. 3). Do NOT talk about your past, your past relationships, Don't ask the girl "what she's attracted to", Don't talk about your failed relationships, don't be negative. Okay - Cool? Now here is the kicker and why it's gonna hurt some feelings. The difference between a first and a second date is all dependent on... Who YOU are and not necessarily what you do. It's about How you look, how you dress, how tall you are, how you sound, what kind of job you have, etc and etc.... It is NOT about what's on the INSIDE of you...or your feelings, or how you treat a girl. It's all about who YOU are. So you can't 100% protect yourself from the friendzone. It's somewhat predetermined...but you can protect yourself from the game women play. Hope this helps. 1
ElKay Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Max, listen to your boy Larry here. All the commentators here are tripping you up by saying you need to do something 'exciting' because coffee is boring. They are wrong. As usual. Listen to the playboys here as we know something they don't. First of all..this isn't what you'd call a date. It's a meeting. That's not a date so don't treat it like a date. Coffee is totally fine. Make it 30 - 60 mins max and do it somewhere where there is a good atmosphere. That's totally acceptable. 1). Dress properly, Don't smell bad, don't use heavy cologne. 2). Don't talk about serious stuff. Tell stories..talk about events..stuff that she can relate to but it's something she has no idea about but has a funny edge to it. 3). Do NOT talk about your past, your past relationships, Don't ask the girl "what she's attracted to", Don't talk about your failed relationships, don't be negative. Okay - Cool? Now here is the kicker and why it's gonna hurt some feelings. The difference between a first and a second date is all dependent on... Who YOU are and not necessarily what you do. It's about How you look, how you dress, how tall you are, how you sound, what kind of job you have, etc and etc.... It is NOT about what's on the INSIDE of you...or your feelings, or how you treat a girl. It's all about who YOU are. So you can't 100% protect yourself from the friendzone. It's somewhat predetermined...but you can protect yourself from the game women play. Hope this helps. Playboys? I'm a woman and know plenty of women who tried OLD. Coffee dates automatically put the person back by a few steps. If they're super amazing, sure, even the crappiest location will be overlooked. It just seeps boredom. Heck, go to a fancy cafe, if anything, maybe a cat cafe if you both like animals! This adds something memorable even to the blandest of dates. But if you don't care and prefer "testing" girls without risking much, by all means keep doing what you've been doing. 1
Author max3732 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 Max, listen to your boy Larry here. All the commentators here are tripping you up by saying you need to do something 'exciting' because coffee is boring. They are wrong. As usual. Listen to the playboys here as we know something they don't. First of all..this isn't what you'd call a date. It's a meeting. That's not a date so don't treat it like a date. Coffee is totally fine. Make it 30 - 60 mins max and do it somewhere where there is a good atmosphere. That's totally acceptable. 1). Dress properly, Don't smell bad, don't use heavy cologne. 2). Don't talk about serious stuff. Tell stories..talk about events..stuff that she can relate to but it's something she has no idea about but has a funny edge to it. 3). Do NOT talk about your past, your past relationships, Don't ask the girl "what she's attracted to", Don't talk about your failed relationships, don't be negative. Okay - Cool? Now here is the kicker and why it's gonna hurt some feelings. The difference between a first and a second date is all dependent on... Who YOU are and not necessarily what you do. It's about How you look, how you dress, how tall you are, how you sound, what kind of job you have, etc and etc.... It is NOT about what's on the INSIDE of you...or your feelings, or how you treat a girl. It's all about who YOU are. So you can't 100% protect yourself from the friendzone. It's somewhat predetermined...but you can protect yourself from the game women play. Hope this helps. What about asking her about what she finds romantic or romantic movies or events in order to get her associating me with those good feeling and relationships? I just seem like I'm a really good "buddy" or someone for women to talk to and "hang out" with, but can't seem to get into a real relationship.
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Max, listen to your boy Larry here. All the commentators here are tripping you up by saying you need to do something 'exciting' because coffee is boring. They are wrong. As usual. Listen to the playboys here as we know something they don't. First of all..this isn't what you'd call a date. It's a meeting. That's not a date so don't treat it like a date. Coffee is totally fine. Make it 30 - 60 mins max and do it somewhere where there is a good atmosphere. That's totally acceptable. 1). Dress properly, Don't smell bad, don't use heavy cologne. 2). Don't talk about serious stuff. Tell stories..talk about events..stuff that she can relate to but it's something she has no idea about but has a funny edge to it. 3). Do NOT talk about your past, your past relationships, Don't ask the girl "what she's attracted to", Don't talk about your failed relationships, don't be negative. Okay - Cool? Now here is the kicker and why it's gonna hurt some feelings. The difference between a first and a second date is all dependent on... Who YOU are and not necessarily what you do. It's about How you look, how you dress, how tall you are, how you sound, what kind of job you have, etc and etc.... It is NOT about what's on the INSIDE of you...or your feelings, or how you treat a girl. It's all about who YOU are. So you can't 100% protect yourself from the friendzone. It's somewhat predetermined...but you can protect yourself from the game women play. Hope this helps. Tho I agree with the bolded, but where you go and what you do depends on demographics, especially age. I'm old sckool and in my 50's, and for a first date I would preferred a cocktail lounge or a bar. Environment can play a huge role in setting the mood, just as much as posturing, and eye contact. But I'm from a generation that didn't depend on cel phones and social media. My phone barley comes out of my purse. But for someone lets say in their 20's, they only care what's on their phone, so a first meet up can be in a back alley as long as it has good wifi. (just kidding but you get the gist of it) 2
Author max3732 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 Playboys? I'm a woman and know plenty of women who tried OLD. Coffee dates automatically put the person back by a few steps. If they're super amazing, sure, even the crappiest location will be overlooked. It just seeps boredom. Heck, go to a fancy cafe, if anything, maybe a cat cafe if you both like animals! This adds something memorable even to the blandest of dates. But if you don't care and prefer "testing" girls without risking much, by all means keep doing what you've been doing. I called it a coffee date, but it's kind of an interesting local place that's kind of a local secret. This is actually my first "coffee date". When I first started with OLD I would meet at a really high end restaurant and spent a lot of time/money and didn't have much success with that. I also had a few no shows which was embarrassing for me. There was also someone who went out with me a few times and always wanted to go to expensive restaurants and when I tried to kiss her on the 3rd date she said she just liked me as a friend. After that I decided to do activity dates, like bowling, but this last woman asked me to an expensive restaurant and then got offended when I suggested bowling instead. As if that wasn't safe for me since she didn't know me. Then there are all these people who won't meet without first becoming Facebook friends. So I figured the coffee would be safe and not require a great monetary or time investment. I've never heard of a cat cafe, but that sounds interesting! This woman I'm meeting lives close to me so if all goes well I' planning on asking her for an activity date next time that would be a better experience. I'm extremely nervous right now so I might even be rambling online. I want to relax and be myself and really hope this goes well. Something else that gives me trouble is just how to greet and what to say after. I'm planning to hug her, but was wondering what's a good conversation topic when we first meet?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 What about asking her about what she finds romantic or romantic movies or events in order to get her associating me with those good feeling and relationships? I just seem like I'm a really good "buddy" or someone for women to talk to and "hang out" with, but can't seem to get into a real relationship. Just be yourself and if the two of you are meant to be together romantically, it will happen. Trying to "trick her" into seeing you romantically will not work. Women are not Pavlov's dog. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 I'm planning to hug her, but was wondering what's a good conversation topic when we first meet? Ask her how her weekend went. What kept her busy?
MaleIntuition Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 What about asking her about what she finds romantic or romantic movies or events in order to get her associating me with those good feeling and relationships? I just seem like I'm a really good "buddy" or someone for women to talk to and "hang out" with, but can't seem to get into a real relationship. No, that’s overthinking it. (Also, if you watch a movie go for scary or comedy, romantic is a newbie mistake. You really don’t want her to compare your relationship with the unrealistic stuffs happening in romantic movies...)
Versacehottie Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 I called it a coffee date, but it's kind of an interesting local place that's kind of a local secret. This is actually my first "coffee date". When I first started with OLD I would meet at a really high end restaurant and spent a lot of time/money and didn't have much success with that. I also had a few no shows which was embarrassing for me. There was also someone who went out with me a few times and always wanted to go to expensive restaurants and when I tried to kiss her on the 3rd date she said she just liked me as a friend. After that I decided to do activity dates, like bowling, but this last woman asked me to an expensive restaurant and then got offended when I suggested bowling instead. As if that wasn't safe for me since she didn't know me. Then there are all these people who won't meet without first becoming Facebook friends. So I figured the coffee would be safe and not require a great monetary or time investment. I've never heard of a cat cafe, but that sounds interesting! This woman I'm meeting lives close to me so if all goes well I' planning on asking her for an activity date next time that would be a better experience. I'm extremely nervous right now so I might even be rambling online. I want to relax and be myself and really hope this goes well. Something else that gives me trouble is just how to greet and what to say after. I'm planning to hug her, but was wondering what's a good conversation topic when we first meet? I think what a coffee date and an expensive restaurant date have in common and why they are not good is that the environment is stagnant. Just sitting across from each other interviewing. I think it's better that you are going to a hidden gem of a coffee shop but I agree with smackie that the environment and mood of a place seeps into what a date thinks of you. It's an expression of who you are and what you like to do. So even a "cool" coffee house can backfire on you. Unless you are a beat poet or boho urban coffee drinking deep hipster which i get the feeling you are not. You keep talking about a second date but what if f*cking up the first one does not get you that chance to have one? Just something to think about if this does not go well. I've done my best to influence your decision lol which i can hear you are going to stick with. I would just advise you to inject some spontaneity and a lot of laughter into it when you go forward with the coffee place. I find it a little odd too that you are concerned with what physical touch you do/get on this kind of date as this type of place does not lend itself much to physical touch. The place itself is more stiff. If you were meeting at a bar for a drink in the evening, a hug or kiss on cheek when arriving seems totally normal (and have done) whereas I can't see that happening at a coffee shop during the day (more remote possibility). To me, a drink in the evening requires the same "low" amount of investment of time and money as coffee but is more conducive to what you want to happen. Ok, I think I've said enough. Good luck, Max.
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