Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I had a great first date on Saturday. I've been dating again for about a month after a long break, and this was by far the best and most promising date. We met on a dating site. From the first few messages, I felt he was special - highly intelligent and articulate, which is like striking gold on a dating site lol We had drinks and conversation, then went to a show, then had more drinks and conversation till we closed the place down. In all it was an 8-hour date. He just kept inviting me to stay longer and kept ordering more rounds. He's a brilliant guy, I mean off the charts intelligent, which I LOVE - techie by day, creatively prolific on the side. The conversation was phenomenal, tremendous intellectual and mind connection. I'm 42; he's 46. I also noticed he did what men tend to do when they're serious - he subtly let me know about his financial standing. Not in a bragging way, but letting me know he's stable and able to provide. This is all fine and dandy, except... he didn't touch me much at all, except to hug me at the beginning and end. I took his arm as we were walking to the show, said something cutesy like, "I'm just gonna take your arm." He seemed to like that, kinda puffed up when I did. During the show I was wishing he would hold my hand or something. Later we sat on the couch at the bar. I sat down first and every time he came back with drinks, he sat a foot away from me. I touched his arm a tiny bit when talking, but not much. I like a go-getter, ya know, don't wanna wear the pants. On Monday he asked me out on two more dates - Thursday and Saturday. For all the dates he's had really cool, creative date ideas tailored to my interests. And again, he's crazy smart, which is hugely attractive to me. I'm a bit concerned about the lack of little affection, but hoping it will pick up. Is this normal or am I right to be concerned? 2
jjb117 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 He most likely is giving you respect or he’s completely clueless. It is true, when a girl does the touching first, it’s almost like she’s inviting you to do the same (hold her hand, hand on the back, etc). That’s like dating 101 He may very well be a man who isn’t that affectionate. That’s something you must find out with time. That being said, are you comfortable with that? Would you want a man who’s more affectionate? How much longer are you willing to wait? I do think there’s a limit, because at that point y’all are just friends. He needs to go for the kiss! Hopefully he’s ambitious enough to do so! Life is too short! 2
Dis Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I used to think it was a good sign when a guy was touchy feely with me on the first date but after meeting my bf, I think a lot differently My bf gave me the 'side hug' for the first two dates. After meeting guys that would kiss me on the first date I was like, huh? Turns out, my bf is a guy that respects me, isn't and wasn't in this just for sex...unlike the other guys that were all over me trying to get in my pants Give him some time, he's being respectful and patient until you're both ready to take it to the next level Count your blessings your not dating some perv 4
Chilli Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) Well , creative tailored dates give me a bucket someone please, too much internet for him butttt, that's just me about all that . But eh for you that's probably a really nice thing. Me l've never really dated as such we do things a little different so take anything l think here with grain of salt but my concern is, he sounds very rehearsed and practiced in this bs, like l say , too much internet, every chick probably gets all the same , until maybe he decides one way or nother hmm , nope , not interested. The performing is over and off he goes. What you say , 3 or 4 dates yeahhh, l wouldn't get my hopes up buttttt , eh , l could be wrong, lf there's any more go along if you wanna, he might fire up, he could also be just being very very cautious. Edited October 3, 2018 by Chilli
newyorker11356 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I used to think it was a good sign when a guy was touchy feely with me on the first date but after meeting my bf, I think a lot differently My bf gave me the 'side hug' for the first two dates. After meeting guys that would kiss me on the first date I was like, huh? Turns out, my bf is a guy that respects me, isn't and wasn't in this just for sex...unlike the other guys that were all over me trying to get in my pants Give him some time, he's being respectful and patient until you're both ready to take it to the next level Count your blessings your not dating some perv Eh, just because a guy kisses you on the first date, doesn't mean he's just in it for sex. As for the OP's date, he might be trying to take it slow, or is just not into the OP like that. Time will tell 1
Mrin Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Totally okay. I often do very little touching on the first date if she is someone I'm really interested in. Often, but not always. ;-) 3
carhill Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 In today's climate I don't blame normal guys for being a bit reticent. Perhaps things have changed but back when I was doing well in business, dates never had a clue. ExW knew nothing until well along in the process when we were serious and exclusive. I paid for the dates and that was it. A guy who isn't interested isn't going to put together more dates. What he's interested in remains to be seen. That's what dating is about. If you enjoy socializing with him, show up. See where it goes. The physical part will come. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 My bf gave me the 'side hug' for the first two dates. After meeting guys that would kiss me on the first date I was like, huh? Turns out, my bf is a guy that respects me, isn't and wasn't in this just for sex...unlike the other guys that were all over me trying to get in my pants Sounds good. It did strike me as very unusual. I can hardly remember the last time a guy wasn't trying to be all over me within the first hour or two. I was left wondering if he likes me that way or is attracted to me. But I reasoned that he must, since he kept extending the date and shortly after asked me on two more. I'm also way more expressive and exuberant than he is. A friend suggested he's the super smart, super rational, left-brain-dominant Mr. Spock type. I do seem to attract the type, I suppose as a counterbalance to myself. He did seem very "in his head". Strong science background, yet also highly creative. Though I would have liked at least a bit of affection, in a way it was refreshing to feel that he's trying to get to know my mind before going there. Perhaps if he ever does hold my hand, it'll feel special
nospam99 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 FWIW, OP's guy sounds quite a bit like the way I handle the development of the 'physical aspect' of a 'relationship'. I wasn't your date, OP, but I look for cues, ESPECIALLY on a first date. Cues are both what she does to 'invite' physical contact and how she responds to my 'invitations'. I'll: - put my hand half way across the table at the restaurant. - take her hand if she puts her hand there. - take her hand as we walk side by side - rest my hand on her knee or touch her shoulder as we sit side by side at the bar - lean in for a hug or kiss as we say goodnight I do my best to send body language signals that I'm interested whlle at the same time trying not to overstep any boundaries. And ALWAYS evaluating her reactions to decide if she's comfortable with that level of touch.
Rockett Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 You know better than us, but based on what you've said, it sounds like if he's a techie and creative guy and you had a great intellectual connection, he's likely eager to build on that first, and not risk offending you by being too "forward" on the first date(s). The fact that he invited you on two more thoughtful dates says that he wants to show you that side of him/that stuff like that is pretty important to him too. One of the things that can be difficult about OLD is that because we're meeting complete strangers, gender roles/expectations unwittingly come to the surface when assessing whether someone is "into" us or not. I'm not saying wanting touchy flirting to be reciprocated is wrong, but just that it's important to make allowances for people being shy, or just unsure of what is ok at that point in dating. If I was a guy, I probably wouldn't touch a woman I was interested in on a first date (other than a hug). Don't get me wrong- touch is very important, and affirming! But maybe wait and see for a couple more dates. He sounds like an intelligent, interesting guy (who's hopefully not TOO respectful!) 1
brigit87 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) {snip} This is all fine and dandy, except... he didn't touch me much at all, except to hug me at the beginning and end. I took his arm as we were walking to the show, said something cutesy like, "I'm just gonna take your arm." He seemed to like that, kinda puffed up when I did. During the show I was wishing he would hold my hand or something. Later we sat on the couch at the bar. I sat down first and every time he came back with drinks, he sat a foot away from me. I touched his arm a tiny bit when talking, but not much. I like a go-getter, ya know, don't wanna wear the pants. On Monday he asked me out on two more dates - Thursday and Saturday. For all the dates he's had really cool, creative date ideas tailored to my interests. And again, he's crazy smart, which is hugely attractive to me. I'm a bit concerned about the lack of little affection, but hoping it will pick up. Is this normal or am I right to be concerned? Go on the dates. Maybe he really likes you and wants to take it slow because the physical stuff is easy. He might be religious too. Edited October 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 He's not religious. He did say this is his first time ever on a dating site. I think this was his first online date ever, which is cute It's reassuring to hear from the men that you err on the side of not touching too much if you really like her! 2
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Its a first date for goodness sake! You are essentially a stranger to him., You had good conversation, he asked you out again, and he gave you a hug at the end of the date. That sounds like success to me! Don't make problems where they don't exist. 6
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 He did say this is his first time ever on a dating site. I think this was his first online date ever, which is cute .. or a lie. You just came off a thread where most told you not to believe everything men tell you, and now here we go again... You don't need to turn into a bitter cynic, but some healthy scepticism would not go amiss. 2
BluEyeL Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Its a first date for goodness sake! You are essentially a stranger to him., You had good conversation, he asked you out again, and he gave you a hug at the end of the date. That sounds like success to me! Don't make problems where they don't exist. This! It’s not the norm to get physical at the first date. In my case i never had a man kiss me at the first date, or even hold hands , including my husband. 1
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 This! It’s not the norm to get physical at the first date. In my case i never had a man kiss me at the first date, or even hold hands , including my husband. Me neither. I think it's respectful, shows that he has self control and good judgment. What's not to like about that! 2
JuneL Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 There’s nothing wrong with not getting physical on a first date. My only comment is that your first date was way too long. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 I think it was the perfect length, and I feel he did, too. We were having a blast, best conversation I can remember in a very long time, to a great depth that most people rarely think let alone speak. He told me a couple times he was having a great time, asked if I wanted to stay longer and get another round. Having such a blast, why in the world would I leave for some arbitrary reason? I was having so much fun I would have had to tear myself away. I think it's very romantic we were having so much fun we closed down the place at 2:00 am 2
stillafool Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) I had a great first date on Saturday. I've been dating again for about a month after a long break, and this was by far the best and most promising date. We met on a dating site. From the first few messages, I felt he was special - highly intelligent and articulate, which is like striking gold on a dating site lol <snip> Girl, give him time. He was just trying to show you as much respect as possible because he thinks highly of you. Edited October 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 3
alphamale Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I tend to not get touchy-feely on first dates unless the woman initiates. He sounds great but don't you think all the alcohol clouded your judgement? 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2018 Author Posted October 3, 2018 (edited) haha I did drink too much, told him later on the phone that I'm rusty and need to slow my roll, was just having too much fun and got carried away. I should have switched to a non-alcoholic drink toward the end. He understood, agreed. But he impressed me in the first 10 minutes. Intelligence is way up there in importance for me. I could tell before we met he's a brainiac. Talking in person confirmed that, plus stepped it up with good vibes, attraction, etc. I was into him right away and it got better as the night went on. The other dates this go-round before this one, I thought pretty quickly after meeting, "He's not gonna cut it, but let's enjoy the time, anyway." With him, my mind was running wild to all the big picture possibilities, and I was trying to impress him and not screw it up! Edited October 3, 2018 by Ruby Slippers 1
Sunfire73 Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Ah, my fiance' wasn't affectionate as well the first few dates! And when we got serious, he is the most affectionate guy i met. He said he was just respecting my boundaries, and admitted that he was a bit rusty in the dating game. He is a bit of a nerdy guy. But eventually he told me that he felt that he wanted to have sex with me since the first time he met me! So just be patient and go with the flow as long as you like him. 3
Dis Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Sounds good. It did strike me as very unusual. I can hardly remember the last time a guy wasn't trying to be all over me within the first hour or two. I was left wondering if he likes me that way or is attracted to me. But I reasoned that he must, since he kept extending the date and shortly after asked me on two more. I'm also way more expressive and exuberant than he is. A friend suggested he's the super smart, super rational, left-brain-dominant Mr. Spock type. I do seem to attract the type, I suppose as a counterbalance to myself. He did seem very "in his head". Strong science background, yet also highly creative. Though I would have liked at least a bit of affection, in a way it was refreshing to feel that he's trying to get to know my mind before going there. Perhaps if he ever does hold my hand, it'll feel special The way you described your guy is my bf to the T. My bf was kind of reserved at first. Not at all touchy feely. Super smart, good conversationalist, logical, not into sweet talking, very to the point. I, like you, thought he wasn't into me because he didn't have his hands all over me. That was what I was used to. But I think a lot of good guys who have traditional values don't find it appealing to be all over a woman they don't know. And I agree with that. Your guy is showing a lot of interest, like my bf did with me. THAT is what's important. They're action based guys. The best type of men. They don't butter you up with sweet words and hands down your pants, they plan dates, call, text and follow through. All good things. Important things. Be patient with him. He might be a good one 2
thefooloftheyear Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Well....He's not intelligent enough to pick up the ball and run with it....:laugh: It just seems off to me...Be with someone all day, everything great, then.....nothing?? No kids and never married, I suspect? I am getting a picture......But hey....who knows?? Eh..Let it go and see what happens...Good luck, kid;) TFY
Logo Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I used to think it was a good sign when a guy was touchy feely with me on the first date but after meeting my bf, I think a lot differently My bf gave me the 'side hug' for the first two dates. After meeting guys that would kiss me on the first date I was like, huh? Turns out, my bf is a guy that respects me, isn't and wasn't in this just for sex...unlike the other guys that were all over me trying to get in my pants Give him some time, he's being respectful and patient until you're both ready to take it to the next level Count your blessings your not dating some perv People throw that word around so easily these days, it's lost it's meaning. If someone is a player, then he's a player.
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