Cutting the Cord?!

[Gaeta]

IMO this semester is the maker or breaker for me.

 

 

What do you mean by make or break? This is your son, there is no make or break with our children. When I answered I thought he was living with you, now I see he's away in college and he asked for a ride from you ONCE since July and you call it 'make or break' issue? I don't get it.

 

 

 

I have a brother that his son was a huge rebel from age 14 to 20. Him and his wife never gave up on him. Traditional school didn't work for him so they went alternative, he was hyperactive so they seek therapy, he got caught with weed and he got consequences, he lost his drivers license drinking and driving and they implemented consequences....but one thing they didn't do is quit on their son. Now he's 23, got a trade he likes, he works full time, pays his bills and got engages a couple of weeks ago. He's there cause his parents didn't give up on him.

[Els]

I'm generally not in favour of babying adult kids. However, you say he asked you only once since starting his job in July. Does that mean that he was getting everywhere on his own (including his PT job) for the past 3 months, or was someone else taking him?

 

 

 

If the former, I'd take him. Once in 3 months is a favour I'd do for anyone I'm close to, including my parents, adult relatives and friends. If the latter, I'd tell him no.

 

 

I'll be honest, if a family member (be it my parent, son, or sister) declined to give me a lift once in 3 months without having a good reason for why they were unable to, I'd seriously rethink my relationship with them.

[JuneL]

Did you and your ex-wife offer or make plans to teach him drive? I thought parents start taking their kids to drive around in parking lots and around the neighborhoods when the kids reach 16-18. Then they signed the kids up for more driving lessons with formal instructors.

 

If I’m not mistaken, it seems that your ex-wife is the one who has been much more involved in his life. I assume she has been the one giving him rides since July? Did you just expect your ex-wife to teach him drive?

[JuneL]

If I’m not mistaken, it seems that your ex-wife is the one who has been much more involved in his life. I assume she has been the one giving him rides since July? Did you just expect your ex-wife to teach him drive?

 

Btw, I understand kids take driving classes in school or from a formal instructor. But realistically, they also need lots if practice with their parents. You can’t simply expect him to get a license without your doing anything.

[Orokotikki]

Think this definately calls for tough love, cut the cord - and no half-measures - here's why:

1)He cannot become a MAN, while being allowed to remain a CHILD (which is where he currently is).

2)No half measures because if he can successfully wheedle or manipulate (or manufacture emergencies) and get you to do things for him which he is capable of, this may very well become a pattern for him and stunt his independence as he continues to rely on ENABLERS to be CODEPENDENT.

 

Set and communicate a date for him to start acting like an adult and stick to it. If he asks you to do anything for him think "Is he capable of doing or learning to do or saving money for this thing?" If the answer is yes,tell him he is capable of doing it if he chooses to and you will not do it for him.

 

If you cannot say to yourself he is capable of said thing, then ask yourself if this situation is a consequence of his (in)actions - if it is then tell him so and that he must deal with it.

 

It may be hard and take some time, but in some years if he has any self insight he will thank you for it.

[JuneL]

That said, I agree that kids these days are very spoiled and entitled; actually the whole Millennium generation is.

[Els]

That said, I agree that kids these days are very spoiled and entitled; actually the whole Millennium generation is.

 

 

C'mon now. As a dreaded "millennial", I have driven my (completely able bodied) mum far more than she has driven me, after I turned 18.

 

 

To the others, I'm really surprised that everyone is against Otter giving his kid a lift once in 3 months. Wouldn't you do that for a friend or neighbor or sibling? Why is all of that okay but not if they're your son?

 

 

Of course this assumes that it really WAS once in 3 months.

[Otter2569]

You need to tell him he has to learn how to drive and start teaching him how to drive. Then he'll have to take a course online. Most people just enroll kids in driver's ed while they're in high school, but it cost extra most places and may not be through the school at all.

 

Both my ex wife and I have taken him driving many times. He is a good driver but never seems to follow through and complete his driving training or making his drivers license appt.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Otter2569

[Otter2569]

He is my son so I will not give upon him. Maybe I need to be patient. Its just feels very different and I do not understand why he is so laxadaisical about taking action to move himself forward.

[Orokotikki]

He is my son so I will not give upon him. Maybe I need to be patient. Its just feels very different and I do not understand why he is so laxadaisical about taking action to move himself forward.

You have already been more than patient - inside you know this, to the point of asking strangers on the internet to motivate you to do the right things.

 

He is so lackadaisical because his parent's are enabling him to be. It is easier for him to get what he wants from you rather than do it himself, so he is doing the easier thing.

 

Juvenile birds need to get gently pushed from the nest, they don't just jump out on their own, not all people are like that, but your son is. Do him a favor and quit doing him favors.

[Art_Critic]

I do not understand why he is so laxadaisical about taking action to move himself forward.

 

You mentioned that he smoked weed up the thread, is he just the occasional user or does he smoke all the time ?

Most of the people I know (even one family member) who smoke weed all the time from being younger thru when they should go out on their own don't go out on their own.. the ones I have encountered are lazy and what it all done for them.

 

If he is smoking more weed than just partaking then maybe that is it...

[BluEyeL]

My son got the learners permit the day he was eligible and took the driving test the day he was eligible, at 16 and 3 months.

 

I would totally tell him I’m not driving him anywhere anymore and he needs to figure it out. I know I don’t have that problem but I told my son in no uncertain terms that if he’s not in school, he will need to move out of the house and he knows that’s because it’s not healthy for him to be dependent on the parents. Also told him if he’s not getting a job he’s not going to be supported. That’s similar in the sense of being an ******* parent.

 

He is not upset about that because we talked a lot about these things and I explained that what we do is prepare him for the real world and if he’s being supported beyond his schooling and not doing adult things when it’s time to do so, he’ll have no incentive to be successful . It’s human nature . He understands.

 

I would explain to your son that you’re not doing this to be mean but if he keeps being driven around he’ll never become independent that way and you cannot be around for rides at anytime. He will need transportation more and more. He needs to figure it out.

[Otter2569]

You mentioned that he smoked weed up the thread, is he just the occasional user or does he smoke all the time ?

Most of the people I know (even one family member) who smoke weed all the time from being younger thru when they should go out on their own don't go out on their own.. the ones I have encountered are lazy and what it all done for them.

 

If he is smoking more weed than just partaking then maybe that is it...

 

The good thing is that he talks to us about drinking, smoking & parties so its not something he is hiding. My impression is that it is casual with his school roommates. He knows that we do not think its a good idea and that he has to get his grades up.

 

We have always helped him but not coddled him. As he grew up he became more introverted so its not easy to know what is going on in his head.

[Otter2569]

I would explain to your son that you’re not doing this to be mean but if he keeps being driven around he’ll never become independent that way and you cannot be around for rides at anytime. He will need transportation more and more. He needs to figure it out.

 

We had a similar talk while he was in high school. I was the one prompting him to drive, look at colleges, complete college apps etc. I made it clear that I would help him but NOT do all the work and that once he graduated he needed to be self sufficient so start NOW (6 months prior). He was content laying on the couch so after about a dozen times I quit asking. He will have to learn on his own I guess. My inner fear is that his inability to deal with reality will lead him down a bad path.

 

My younger guy gets it: he is 16+1 month and today we go for his learners permit. He has already applied for 3 jobs that he can walk to after school.

[Gaeta]

The good thing is that he talks to us about drinking, smoking & parties so its not something he is hiding. My impression is that it is casual with his school roommates. He knows that we do not think its a good idea and that he has to get his grades up.

 

We have always helped him but not coddled him. As he grew up he became more introverted so its not easy to know what is going on in his head.

 

 

Not all kids automatically become responsible or mature over night because they turn 18. Some will take up to 25-26-27 to really mature into a responsible adult.

 

 

 

If he doesn't want to drive you can't for him, and it might be better to not force him and let him mature at his own pace. If you force him now to get his drivers license it won't make him a responsible driver because of that. At least now you have the peace of mind he's not drunk-driving or weed-driving.

[Otter2569]

Not all kids automatically become responsible or mature over night because they turn 18. Some will take up to 25-26-27 to really mature into a responsible adult.

 

If he doesn't want to drive you can't for him, and it might be better to not force him and let him mature at his own pace. If you force him now to get his drivers license it won't make him a responsible driver because of that. At least now you have the peace of mind he's not drunk-driving or weed-driving.

 

Totally agree and that is why I didnt mind driving him in high school (safety and expense). My approach is to start by asking and encouraging action. Admittedly I get more forward when I see nothing happenig. Its frustrating to watch but its also his choice. There are certainly worse things I could be dealing with.

[BluEyeL]

I don't know what to say. My sister is married to a 40 yo man and the guy still doesn't drive. He was gonna, later, soon, at some point etc. She drives him around. Pretty pathetic. I don't know what advice to give, but I would worry and would try to be a bit pushy now rather than wait until he's like 30.

[JuneL]

C'mon now. As a dreaded "millennial", I have driven my (completely able bodied) mum far more than she has driven me, after I turned 18.

 

 

To the others, I'm really surprised that everyone is against Otter giving his kid a lift once in 3 months. Wouldn't you do that for a friend or neighbor or sibling? Why is all of that okay but not if they're your son?

 

 

Of course this assumes that it really WAS once in 3 months.

 

Of course I was exaggerating much, as I’m almost a Millennial myself

 

But I did read that more and more young people these days don’t have a driver’s license.

[JuneL]

I don't know what to say. My sister is married to a 40 yo man and the guy still doesn't drive. He was gonna, later, soon, at some point etc. She drives him around. Pretty pathetic. I don't know what advice to give, but I would worry and would try to be a bit pushy now rather than wait until he's like 30.

 

By marrying your sister, his mother’s problem became your sister’s

 

I heard that there’re people who absolutely can’t drive, e.g., some pure mathematicians.

[BluEyeL]

By marrying your sister, his mother’s problem became your sister’s

 

I heard that there’re people who absolutely can’t drive, e.g., some pure mathematicians.

 

It's also easier in Europe, he lives in a big city in Europe and can use public transportation. He uses that and uber, and when they do need to go somewhere together or a car is needed, my sister drives.

 

I do know other people who don't drive. In the US and Canada it is a problem. But they are women, although I find that not to be an excuse. And they are not millenials, they are Generation X, like me.

 

Like a friend of mine, her husband was away for a week, I asked her how was the week on her own with the kids. She sighed profusely and said "very tough, I had to drive and it was so stressful". We live in a small town 30,000 people I was just shocked and told her "really? wow!" I wasn't very diplomatic.

 

I also know a guy, also Gen X, he is from Spain and he lives in Minneapolis, he's a professor and married to a medical doctor, and he doesn't drive. We are professional friends and I learned about that when I invited him to give a seminar, and he told me he can't rent a car and drive himself from the airport because he doesn't drive.

 

It is tough. I have some friends whose kids, who are 16, don't want to drive and they do worry. We tell them, like we tell Otter here, to be patient, to let life force them to learn to drive, and possibly give them less rides. I know my friend won't be able to give her son no rides.

 

The other friend simply forces her kid to drive, although he doesn't want to. She also makes him learn stickshift, not on the automatic. Goes through his screaming etc. and drags him there. But she has, sadly, some leverage in this case. She has stage 4 cancer and the chemo affected her eyes and she can't drive anymore. So she tells the kid he needs to drive because he needs him. I think that's her strong argument in this case.

[Els]

Of course I was exaggerating much, as I’m almost a Millennial myself

 

But I did read that more and more young people these days don’t have a driver’s license.

 

 

There are a few possible reasons for it, I guess. For one thing, with Uber and the public transport system that some cities have, it might actually be more cost effective nowadays to take Uber/public transport than to own a car and pay all the associated costs (parking, registration, maintenance, gas etc). It certainly is that way here. Lots of people are into cycling as well nowadays, for the green/health benefits.

[Art_Critic]

He was content laying on the couch so after about a dozen times I quit asking.

 

What kind of chores does he have ? does he cut the grass ?

[JuneL]

There are a few possible reasons for it, I guess. For one thing, with Uber and the public transport system that some cities have, it might actually be more cost effective nowadays to take Uber/public transport than to own a car and pay all the associated costs (parking, registration, maintenance, gas etc). It certainly is that way here. Lots of people are into cycling as well nowadays, for the green/health benefits.

 

I grew up in a real big city where most people (including myself) didn’t drive. I’ve lived in a couple of the biggest metropolitan areas in the US, and unfortunately, unless you live in Manhattan, driving is almost absolutely necessary for an adult after college/grad school. I’ve seriously considered moving to Manhattan for that reason

[Els]

I grew up in a real big city where most people (including myself) didn’t drive. I’ve lived in a couple of the biggest metropolitan areas in the US, and unfortunately, unless you live in Manhattan, driving is almost absolutely necessary for an adult after college/grad school. I’ve seriously considered moving to Manhattan for that reason

 

 

Hm, I'm not so familiar with the US, but I've heard San Francisco has pretty decent public transport (if one can afford to live within the city, anyway)?

 

 

But yeah, I suppose that's not really a strong point of the US. What about Uber? The SO takes Uber or walks to work most days, since even a return Uber trip costs less than parking at his workplace.

[Otter2569]

What kind of chores does he have ? does he cut the grass ?

 

He is away at college now but yes "back in the day" I had him cutting the lawn, taking out the trash, feeding the pets, picking up after themselves, etc. I only had them half time so was more lax than I normally would have been plus his younger brother helped - usually he was more proactive than my older non driving son. They are both good kids and never get I trouble so I was content with some helping out.