Going from A to R timeline

[ABernie]

How do you think he will take it if Mrs MM decides to tell him about the affair, to try to get her husband back in line?

 

We are over. We have decided this. yet, I have thought about what if she contacts STBX. I received my own phone call about STBX's betrayal, so while I don't want him to feel unneeded pain, I would remind him how I felt getting my phone call/email/messages, etc.

[ABernie]

I think they like to use a woman to ease them out of the marriage. Once they are out, they realize they are free, and their interest fades...and reality sets in and you'll get to see the very man that his ex-wife had to deal with. Then and only then does a person fully understand what just happened and what they were a part of.

 

<SNIP>

 

Thank you for your thoughts. It is a good thing to look at different perspectives. I am trying every day to feel a little less. I won't wait 5 years. Once my own divorce is final, I have decided to begin dating again. It might be with AP or someone else (NOT MM!)

 

I am in IC. It's helpful, b/c she notes that STBX and I were so amicable. Most divorces are not so.

 

I have also thought about his "faults", but no one has a crystal ball. I cannot say if experience will help me not be bothered or if we won't be a match. What I know is that STBX and I needed to move on and divorce and I am willing to try a R with AP.

Edited September 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, what was the nature of your STBX's betrayal?

[Amethyst68]

I am in IC. It's helpful, b/c she notes that STBX and I were so amicable. Most divorces are not so.

 

I'm sorry, but really!! Your divorce is amicable because you're keeping one very big secret from your STBXB. Were you keeping that a secret from your IC too because if she knew about it and made comments like that if be looking for a better counselor.....

[Prudence V]

What was your timeline like?

 

From when we decided we wanted to be together, it all seemed to happen pretty quickly. We were living in different countries then, so there was a great deal to sort out beyond just his D (I had been D for ages by then). He needed to find a place to stay for him and his kid, close enough to the school and to his work, which took a while, but he’d already told then-S2BXW that they were leaving as soon as they could find a place. When they found a place, they moved.

 

He had already filed for D - in the UK there is no “quick” D - and so that was all underway. I was sorting out things on my side, and when I was ready I moved to his country and moved in with him and his kid, and about six months later his D was finalised and we got married.

 

That was all a long time ago, so my recollection about timelines may be a bit vague.

[sandylee1]

What stops him contacting you while he's at work? He could buy a cheap PAYG phone. She's not watching him 24/7.

 

Also as she's SAHM it will cost him a lot. Child support and spousal support and reason enough for him to stay in the marriage.

 

Unless he's on a very good salary he may not be able to run 2 homes. If his wife gets a job, there's the cost of wraparound care. If she's not a professional...her earning potential is likely to be limited.

 

You could be left with a very poor man.

 

His going NC isn't good for you.

[ABernie]

OP, what was the nature of your STBX's betrayal?

 

 

It's not something I wish to discuss here, but it was not infidelity. But it was a series of lies that lasted the first 15 years we were together. I tried, but never really wanted to get over it.

[ABernie]

I'm sorry, but really!! Your divorce is amicable because you're keeping one very big secret from your STBXB. Were you keeping that a secret from your IC too because if she knew about it and made comments like that if be looking for a better counselor.....

 

My IC knew about A before it went PA.

 

My divorce is amicable bc we are still good friends, have similar interests and Copa rent well. We just don't have a physical relationship.

[ABernie]

What stops him contacting you while he's at work? He could buy a cheap PAYG phone. She's not watching him 24/7.

 

Also as she's SAHM it will cost him a lot. Child support and spousal support and reason enough for him to stay in the marriage.

 

Unless he's on a very good salary he may not be able to run 2 homes. If his wife gets a job, there's the cost of wraparound care. If she's not a professional...her earning potential is likely to be limited.

 

You could be left with a very poor man.

 

His going NC isn't good for you.

 

I have thought about Pay as you go phone, but she deleted my contact info. I am annoyed, I feel like he could/should figure out a way. So I'm not completely unrealistic.

 

I'm hoping he seeks legal advice. He wanted to do mediation. But he does make a good salary, so hopefully he gets some good advice.

 

I also have a great salary, so eventually it would be fine. After D Day, his plan was to live at his mom's. That would help.

 

NC is not good. I know. We are both going to an event in 2 weeks. There are tons of people, so there's a chance we will not see each other. The next time is early November. There's no doubt we will see each other then. I have decided that his actions at one of those 2 events will help me to either move on or see if things will continue.

[minimariah2]

He wants kids to stay in house, so no selling the house. Hold-up is that he doesn't want to leave the kids...

 

so what are his plans for custody...? does he plan to seek primary custody & move back in with the children?

 

She's holding the kids over his head.

 

friendly advice - stay out of their marriage. i understand that you THINK it's your business... but it's not. try to understand how incredibly annoying it is when someone, who wasn't even a blip on your radar last year, comes into picture and inserts herself into your family life.

 

not sure about the proof you have but i kind of doubt that the BS asked him for a divorce before she ever knew about the A - i do apologize if that is something she said to you personally so it's verified.

 

as a BS, who now has a solid relationship with her ex's AP (now wife) - i can tell you that you need to stay as emotionally neutral as you possibly can in order for this to work out (if you decide to continue with this relationship). if you allow him to use you as his personal therapist, you'll develop even more negative emotions towards the BS than you already have & you'll start lashing out and it will reflect very badly with the kids... since they are usually the tool of AP's rage and BS's retaliation.

 

so i would advise you to NOT think about the BS at all and if you do - try to remind yourself about the fact that your lover IS an adulterer and that he did something that is morally wrong. so if you're going to trash his BS, you might as well trash the man who chose to marry her & have a family with her.

 

i also find it odd that he didn't already seek legal advice: he isn't poor and he probably isn't dumb either. he is also a grown man who can take responsibility for his actions so i don't buy the entire "the BS made him do it" narrative. he's stalling for other reasons.

[BurnedAndLost]

It's not something I wish to discuss here, but it was not infidelity. But it was a series of lies that lasted the first 15 years we were together. I tried, but never really wanted to get over it.

 

This is irrelevant. You choose to stay with him afterwards so you can't use it to justify your own actions.

[imsosad]

This is irrelevant. You choose to stay with him afterwards so you can't use it to justify your own actions.

 

I don't think she's justifying, maybe trying to explain.

There are many ways to betray a spouse. Imo, infidelity does not stand alone as a special kind of betrayal. The fact that someone did not cheat with another person does not make them a good spouse.

I know it's common to blame only the WW, but I think that very often, it's problems and betrayals within the marriage that disconnect partners and set the grounds for an affair.

For instance, if a spouse hides income, or has a porn addiction, or a gambling addiction, can an affair be completely blamed on the WW?

I know cheating is a choice, but it is often driven by more readons than the WW being a really bad person.

[What_Did_I_Do]

OP, I'm not trying to be Sally Skeptical but based on the information you've posted here, it doesn't look good for him to leave. He is only giving you his side of the story which for any of us that have been through this (self induced) nightmare, knows there's another side to their marriage. He might not love his W, but he probably has a sense of responsibility for the family. And most of these men would rather keep the family intact and look for a little extra something outside the marriage. Not saying that is the case with yours but it's all too common in affairs.

 

Even if, and that's a big "IF" he did leave, there's no guarantee he will stay gone. Or end up with you. That transition time is like is hopping off one rollercoaster and jumping on another.

 

You only have a couple more months of this limbo period. Expect the worst (which would mean he's staying in the house for whatever reason and wants to keep seeing you..of course), then prepare to move on.

 

Take care OP. I know it hurts.

[carhill]

OP, another aspect is leverage. The MW in my story inserted herself as the office/financial manager for the business the MM owned and I was able to watch firsthand how she became 'invaluable' to him, leveraging that as one more aspect of the deal. She was also a past MW with other guys and knew how to manipulate men and even used me as a leverage point in a couple of instances and at that point I'd known her for over a generation so had a good feel for things. If you're not a pro at this IMO step back and leave it be and accept whatever happens. Your M ended amicably and you're in a good place right now so go with that. The MM will work out his deal as best suits him.

[elaine567]

When is the last time you actually heard from or saw this guy?

[ABernie]

so what are his plans for custody...? does he plan to seek primary custody & move back in with the children?

 

 

 

friendly advice - stay out of their marriage. i understand that you THINK it's your business... but it's not. try to understand how incredibly annoying it is when someone, who wasn't even a blip on your radar last year, comes into picture and inserts herself into your family life.

 

not sure about the proof you have but i kind of doubt that the BS asked him for a divorce before she ever knew about the A - i do apologize if that is something she said to you personally so it's verified.

 

as a BS, who now has a solid relationship with her ex's AP (now wife) - i can tell you that you need to stay as emotionally neutral as you possibly can in order for this to work out (if you decide to continue with this relationship). if you allow him to use you as his personal therapist, you'll develop even more negative emotions towards the BS than you already have & you'll start lashing out and it will reflect very badly with the kids... since they are usually the tool of AP's rage and BS's retaliation.

 

so i would advise you to NOT think about the BS at all and if you do - try to remind yourself about the fact that your lover IS an adulterer and that he did something that is morally wrong. so if you're going to trash his BS, you might as well trash the man who chose to marry her & have a family with her.

 

i also find it odd that he didn't already seek legal advice: he isn't poor and he probably isn't dumb either. he is also a grown man who can take responsibility for his actions so i don't buy the entire "the BS made him do it" narrative. he's stalling for other reasons.

 

Thank you for your perspective. I'm sorry if I appeared to trash BW. I do truly appreciate you pulling me back into the reality of the situation. I have really been trying to put myself in her shoes. I have tried to imagine everything she is feeling. Over the last week, I have started to wrap my brain around this and know I have to give them their time. That's why I have respected the NC.

 

His plan was for the kids to stay with BW in the house and he would move out with joint custody.

[ABernie]

This is irrelevant. You choose to stay with him afterwards so you can't use it to justify your own actions.

 

I don't use his betrayal to justify the A. I don't want STBX to hurt. I only mentioned his betrayal because someone asked what would happen if he found out about A from BW. I would simply remind him that I found out about his betrayal in a similar manner.

 

I chose to stay for the kids. They were very young. 3 years later, I started talking to MM and it opened my eyes that there was something more for me. I did not have to live my life stuck in a loveless M. While A sparked me to ask for the divorce, I would never turn back. I'm confident in my decision to divorce, no matter what happens with AP.

[ABernie]

OP, I'm not trying to be Sally Skeptical but based on the information you've posted here, it doesn't look good for him to leave. He is only giving you his side of the story which for any of us that have been through this (self induced) nightmare, knows there's another side to their marriage. He might not love his W, but he probably has a sense of responsibility for the family. And most of these men would rather keep the family intact and look for a little extra something outside the marriage. Not saying that is the case with yours but it's all too common in affairs.

 

Even if, and that's a big "IF" he did leave, there's no guarantee he will stay gone. Or end up with you. That transition time is like is hopping off one rollercoaster and jumping on another.

 

You only have a couple more months of this limbo period. Expect the worst (which would mean he's staying in the house for whatever reason and wants to keep seeing you..of course), then prepare to move on.

 

Take care OP. I know it hurts.

 

Thank you, I may just have to read this on a daily basis.

[ABernie]

If you're not a pro at this IMO step back and leave it be and accept whatever happens. Your M ended amicably and you're in a good place right now so go with that. The MM will work out his deal as best suits him.

 

Thank you. Yes, I agree that stepping back and giving them the opportunity to figure out what they need to do as a family is needed. I am accepting that this week.

[ABernie]

When is the last time you actually heard from or saw this guy?

 

2 weeks. It was an abrupt DDay #2.

[Jane Deaux]

2 weeks. It was an abrupt DDay #2.

 

 

What did he say to you on DD #2? Were you aware you would be NC for an extended amount of time?

 

Why can't he email? Or call from a work phone? Or come to your office?

[elaine567]

2 weeks. It was an abrupt DDay #2.

 

 

I was not aware that there had been Ddays, so after Dday #1 when he spilled the beans about the affair, he goes low contact but she finds out -> Dday #2 and since then N/C.

Is that right?

[ABernie]

What did he say to you on DD #2? Were you aware you would be NC for an extended amount of time?

 

Why can't he email? Or call from a work phone? Or come to your office?

 

 

BW intercepted text he initiated and threatened me. She immediately contacted me through his work email after that with similar thoughts. There has been no contact after these messages to me. I understand her anger. The more I think about it all, it is probably best for me to let them sort things out. Good or bad. I was not aware of NC.

 

My guess is that she deleted my contact info from his phone. If that is the case, he doesn't have my #. In the age of cell phones, I certainly do not memorize numbers anymore. He could google my work #.

 

I work in a security guard building, so he couldn't come in, but he could sit in the parking lot. But I just thought of that now, not sure if he has. :/

[ABernie]

I was not aware that there had been Ddays, so after Dday #1 when he spilled the beans about the affair, he goes low contact but she finds out -> Dday #2 and since then N/C.

Is that right?

 

Yes, exactly. We saw each other once between DD #1 and #2.

[elaine567]

Yes, exactly. We saw each other once between DD #1 and #2.

I am sorry, but it doesn't bode well.

I could be very wrong, I hope I am for your sake, but I guess at the moment he is reconciling for all he is worth in order to save his marriage.

I am not saying he will never be back, but do not rely on him to provide a fairy tale ending here.

He had that chance when he told her about the affair.

You were free, he was free. Perfect!

But he didn't stay free for long, did he?

He could have marched onwards with you, but he chose to essentially throw you under the proverbial bus and went N/C.

N/C for 2 weeks, in case he upsets his wife...

He is a grown man, he could find you in an instant if he really wanted to...

She may throw him out and you may get him by default, but is that really what you want?

Be very careful here.