Thinking of breaking NC after being ghosted

[Thamary Scott]

When you unblock someone you are trying to stay away from, you are usually placing yourself in a place of vulnerability by being accessible to him. You are also hoping for contact when you unblock someone. You knew from his patterns that he would always return so it's not surprising that you allowed yourself to be reeled in by him by giving him access to you. There were two active players in this rollercoaster. You need to decide when it is you finally want to get off.

 

But looking forward, if you are truly wanting to save your M and H, then keep him blocked and focus on rebuilding your marriage.

 

Have you blocked him? Or is he still accessible to you? Are you still hoping for contact?

 

 

 

Yes, it is cold and calculating but use that to your advantage. Use his cruelty as a way to find your anger and repulsion for who he is and for how he has hurt you.

 

Moving to indifference cannot and will not happen overnight. There's no switch. First, you have to be absolute in your want to work and focus on your marriage and to let go of MM. Second, you need to allow time to heal your pain.

 

 

Zahara yes I agree with you that unblocking someone is placing oneself in a place of vulnerability...I did not know any better till I came here on LS and read all threads on the OW/OM forum. I allowed myself to be reeled in when I should have disembarked way back and you have no idea how I blame myself.

 

 

Now I can say I know better. I have changed my numbers incl. one I have used for 10 years but TBH when you are left without answers you are somewhat incomplete. TBH I am hoping he'd find a way to contact me for the sole reason that I want to ignore him and reject him as well. Having read everything on here and knowing the nature of A's and how MM is behaving I no longer want to be part of the circus in any way.

[SteadyPace]

I had the same situation with my A. Her ghosting was probably one of the best things that ever happend to me.. Putting someone through that kind of pain is an indication that you are very low on their list of priorities. Why waste your time and effort on someone that does not value you?

[Thamary Scott]

I had the same situation with my A. Her ghosting was probably one of the best things that ever happend to me.. Putting someone through that kind of pain is an indication that you are very low on their list of priorities. Why waste your time and effort on someone that does not value you?

 

 

SP can you explain more on how you being ghosted was the best thing? Yeah putting someone through that kind of pain is absolutely cruel. I know... but it is the rationalizing the situation which is kind of difficult...You want to try and understand it but it just doesn't make sense....The thing is how long did it take you to reach indifference and to realise that this was the best thing to happen to you?

[Zahara]

I have changed my numbers incl. one I have used for 10 years but TBH when you are left without answers you are somewhat incomplete. TBH I am hoping he'd find a way to contact me for the sole reason that I want to ignore him and reject him as well. Having read everything on here and knowing the nature of A's and how MM is behaving I no longer want to be part of the circus in any way.

 

But what answers are you looking for? Maybe his wife found out. Maybe he has decided to work on his marriage. Maybe he found another OW. Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered anymore. What about ending this affair, regardless of how it has ended leaves you incomplete?

 

Discarding/ignoring you does not define your worth or value. If anything, I would look at it as a blessing because he did what you could not do. And this helps propel you towards finally facing your marriage and husband.

[Thamary Scott]

But what answers are you looking for? Maybe his wife found out. Maybe he has decided to work on his marriage. Maybe he found another OW. Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered anymore. What about ending this affair, regardless of how it has ended leaves you incomplete?

 

Discarding/ignoring you does not define your worth or value. If anything, I would look at it as a blessing because he did what you could not do. And this helps propel you towards finally facing your marriage and husband.

 

 

In my mind the A ended. When he ghosted me. Though I was also trying to break it sooo many times I've actually lost count. I came here and read threads on LS and I got sooo angry at everything. Trust me when I say no matter the circumstances I am not going back, I am not contacting and I am never responding when contacted. In my mind its over.

 

 

Your second paragraph is what I am struggling with, tying my worth to being discarded. Maybe its human to feel that way but I feel like a big fool, More like he beat me to it kind of feeling...I could bother him with messages and calls like he used to do when I was in NC... but I do not want to ride the roller coaster anymore. Despite the heading of my thread posting here had ensured that I maintain NC albeit not instigated by me. Whenever I feel the urge to contact I will post here.

[SteadyPace]

SP can you explain more on how you being ghosted was the best thing? Yeah putting someone through that kind of pain is absolutely cruel. I know... but it is the rationalizing the situation which is kind of difficult...You want to try and understand it but it just doesn't make sense....The thing is how long did it take you to reach indifference and to realise that this was the best thing to happen to you?

 

Sure, she ghosted it forced me to take a long look at why I needed attention from someone that didn’t care about me. When a I got close to that answer more questions arose.. it forced me to go through a much needed self discovery phase in life. It also made me a bit stronger. I still struggle with what happens from time to time but I understand it was something I needed to go through in life.. It took about a good month to start making sense of it. I didn’t have a support group of friends so it took me a bit longer than someone that had close friends to talk to..

[Zahara]

Your second paragraph is what I am struggling with, tying my worth to being discarded. Maybe its human to feel that way but I feel like a big fool, More like he beat me to it kind of feeling...I could bother him with messages and calls like he used to do when I was in NC... but I do not want to ride the roller coaster anymore. Despite the heading of my thread posting here had ensured that I maintain NC albeit not instigated by me. Whenever I feel the urge to contact I will post here.

 

Your worth is your worth. No of can define that for you. His actions are his and he is responsible for acting the coward. That has nothing to do with you or your value. If anything it paints him in a bad light and it becomes a positive motivator for you. Affairs are bad all around, so in a way, not matter how it has ended, it wasn't going to end well.

 

Yes, do not contact him. That would also give him your new number and start another rollercoaster ride. He cannot give you what you need, not then and not now so stay the course and utilize this as your closure and finality. One day you'll reach a point of indifference and the how, why and what will not matter anymore.

[bathtub-row]

Check the obituaries. If you’re certain he’s not dead or lying comatose in a hospital, then you can surmise that he’s being a jerk, and that one big conversation isn’t something he’s interested in giving you. People who knowingly do this fall into the categories of heartless and coward. I know you won’t listen to anyone here but you should never speak to him again. Affairs will gut you on every level. Consider it a lesson learned, and don’t glorify how he’s treating you by thinking he’s being honorable to his wife, etc. He’s a coward and a jerk.

 

If the guy is dead or in the hospital, then his wife is the one who’s probably reading your texts. In which case, he’ll be glad he’s dead.

 

Btw, you already broke NC once. How many times will you do that before your self-respect kicks in?

[Thamary Scott]

Sure, she ghosted it forced me to take a long look at why I needed attention from someone that didn’t care about me. When a I got close to that answer more questions arose.. it forced me to go through a much needed self discovery phase in life. It also made me a bit stronger. I still struggle with what happens from time to time but I understand it was something I needed to go through in life.. It took about a good month to start making sense of it. I didn’t have a support group of friends so it took me a bit longer than someone that had close friends to talk to..

 

 

Yikes that was hard....I applaud you and I think I now understand how you handled it. You looked inside of yourself and lucky you got answers. Did your ex Partner ever attempted contact after this if you dont mind me asking?

[Thamary Scott]

Check the obituaries. If you’re certain he’s not dead or lying comatose in a hospital, then you can surmise that he’s being a jerk, and that one big conversation isn’t something he’s interested in giving you. People who knowingly do this fall into the categories of heartless and coward. I know you won’t listen to anyone here but you should never speak to him again. Affairs will gut you on every level. Consider it a lesson learned, and don’t glorify how he’s treating you by thinking he’s being honorable to his wife, etc. He’s a coward and a jerk.

 

If the guy is dead or in the hospital, then his wife is the one who’s probably reading your texts. In which case, he’ll be glad he’s dead.

 

Btw, you already broke NC once. How many times will you do that before your self-respect kicks in?

 

 

Lol bathtub row. He's certainly not dead! I know! BTR I have learnt my lesson trust me. How do you think I will ever speak to him again...There is something final about all this and in my heart there is nothing I want more than to feel like me again. Affairs will gut on every level you couldn't have said it better. I was soo depressed even during the A itself because of so much push and pull, My heart could not handle it any longer. In a way the end was a long time coming.

 

 

 

I attempted to escape a lot of times but this time I was beaten to it in the most cold and calculating way. Trust me writing about breaking NC is a call for help. All the responses I am getting mean I am gaining strength to never ever consider doing so.

[Thamary Scott]

Your worth is your worth. No of can define that for you. His actions are his and he is responsible for acting the coward. That has nothing to do with you or your value. If anything it paints him in a bad light and it becomes a positive motivator for you. Affairs are bad all around, so in a way, not matter how it has ended, it wasn't going to end well.

 

Yes, do not contact him. That would also give him your new number and start another rollercoaster ride. He cannot give you what you need, not then and not now so stay the course and utilize this as your closure and finality. One day you'll reach a point of indifference and the how, why and what will not matter anymore.

 

 

Thanks Zahara. I am dead tired of the roller coaster and I will never ever want to go through what I went through again if it means hanging on to my last shred of dignity. I do not think he will contact me because his family was staying out of state and they have moved here to stay with him. He wants to work on his M (at least thats what I made out of all this). Hurt as the ghosting might be, it means he is happy and wants to give his family a chance.

[SteadyPace]

Yikes that was hard....I applaud you and I think I now understand how you handled it. You looked inside of yourself and lucky you got answers. Did your ex Partner ever attempted contact after this if you dont mind me asking?

 

No she didn’t. I actually encountered her on another site and found she was busy flirting around with some other guy. By that time it really didn’t matter anymore. Everyone has their own agenda i guess..

[bathtub-row]

Btw, if you think you’ve heard the last of this guy, don’t be surprised if he contacts you again. It happens all the time. And I know you think it won’t happen in your case, but it very well could. Decide now what you will do if he contacts you again via text, phone call, or in person. You need to be prepared.

[Thamary Scott]

Btw, if you think you’ve heard the last of this guy, don’t be surprised if he contacts you again. It happens all the time. And I know you think it won’t happen in your case, but it very well could. Decide now what you will do if he contacts you again via text, phone call, or in person. You need to be prepared.

 

 

BTR I do not forsee MM contacting me again. His family was staying out of state and they have apparently relocated here to be with him. So I guess he wants to work on his M. Its good he does that and I do honestly wish him the best. Its the ghosting I have a problem with.

[brigit87]

 

Yet I find the discard from him very calculating and cold.Like he was planning to reel me in and discard me brutally.... Maybe my ego is bruised like you say...Ok fine.... But how to move from this mindset to indifference I suppose...

 

1.You cut him out completely and don't look back.

 

2. You fill your life with tons of other stuff to keep you occupied.

 

3. You DON'T analyze him, you, marriage, love, passion, etc..you've done that enough.

 

4. You realize that it is all about your ego, the affair was just some cheap thrills and you grow up and move forward.

[brigit87]

BTR I do not forsee MM contacting me again. His family was staying out of state and they have apparently relocated here to be with him. So I guess he wants to work on his M. Its good he does that and I do honestly wish him the best. Its the ghosting I have a problem with.

 

No you don't.

 

You're angry.

 

Stop lying to yourself. It will only make this nonsense fester.

 

Be radically honest to yourself. That's when growth will happen.

[Thamary Scott]

1.You cut him out completely and don't look back.

 

2. You fill your life with tons of other stuff to keep you occupied.

 

3. You DON'T analyze him, you, marriage, love, passion, etc..you've done that enough.

 

4. You realize that it is all about your ego, the affair was just some cheap thrills and you grow up and move forward.

 

 

Thanks for the heads up Brigit. It really helps...

[Thamary Scott]

No you don't.

 

You're angry.

 

Stop lying to yourself. It will only make this nonsense fester.

 

Be radically honest to yourself. That's when growth will happen.

 

 

To put it in context yes I am angry at how things turned out but I feel that by hoping that things go wrong for MM somehow I am aggravating his importance in my life. Yes we had good times but that's all there was to it. I never planned on leaving my M neither did he. We never made promises to each other. It was going to end. And this is it. So mentally I can say I knew and I wasn't expecting it to progress really. It was the letting go part which was quite difficult for me. As I tried too many times but I guess I was beaten to it.....

[Jane Deaux]

To put it in context yes I am angry at how things turned out but I feel that by hoping that things go wrong for MM somehow I am aggravating his importance in my life. Yes we had good times but that's all there was to it. I never planned on leaving my M neither did he. We never made promises to each other. It was going to end. And this is it. So mentally I can say I knew and I wasn't expecting it to progress really. It was the letting go part which was quite difficult for me. As I tried too many times but I guess I was beaten to it.....

 

 

 

So It is your ego. I understand. You want to be the one that ended it. For him to have sent you the last message that you can ignore, rather than being the one ignored. It's our ego's. We feel like we have the power when we are the ones that ignore that last text or email or phone call.

 

DO NOT let this be the emotion that controls you. Just focus on your life and as hard as it is right now, day by day it gets easier. You really were in love with him and that will come and go. But you WILL get over him.

 

If you DO still love your husband, focus on falling back in love with him. But BE HONEST about your marriage and it salvageability. If you are staying in a marriage that is not providing you with what you need in life, then your path on the affair may be repeated. You need to get your whole life in order so that you can find true happiness. Then this man will not matter to you any more at all. You will be able to look on things with disregard and be happy that you have found peace. Just be honest with yourself about yourself, your husband, your marriage. And if you truly know you can fall back in love with your husband then START doing that RIGHT NOW.

 

Stop focusing on this man and who had the last word and who's ignoring who. That doesn't matter. You just want to focus on it because as much as you tell yourself that you don't want to break no contact, you DO WANT him to reach out. Because that validates you. But just move past that need. Because it truly isn't important in the big scheme of things. It was going nowhere, you were not going to have a life with this man. No future. Stop holding on to your ego. You can create more peace and self assurance by focusing on loving yourself and your husband. TRUE HAPPINESS, not the breadcrumbs you were getting from the A.

 

Go home, light candles, write in a journal, take a bath, drink some wine, whatever gets you back in touch with yourself. Do that. You got this.;)

[Bittersweetie]

My x MM ghosted me not once but twice. After the first time, I would still reach out sometimes because what we had was "so special" and I could not understand how he didn't see that. Finally he responded to me (after being left by his wife and OOW, I obviously was a top priority). After a few months later he then ghosted me again.

 

It was the best thing, because at that time I probably would've kept in contact. Do I know why he ghosted? Of course not. Do I care? No. His actions were/are not my problem. I needed to care for myself and my marriage

 

I had a best girlfriend in college, we were like sisters. After graduation she ghosted me in the most sudden and painful way. I wondered about her actions and felt that pain for DECADES. I held on to the whys, and thought: If I knew why, then the pain would go away. But the pain went away when I released her from my thoughts, not from some kind of closure from her.

 

I came to this realization after the ending of the A and my d-day. Was I really going to hold on to this pain and wondering about xMM for decades too? Hold on to it until I got closure? I never got closure from my girlfriend. Was I going to get it from xMM? No.

 

It took a lot of hard work on myself and introspection to get to this point...it wasn't like one day I thought, hey! I'm all good! It takes facing issues and actions that are hard. It takes being vulnerable. It takes being honest with yourself. But the work is worth it.

 

Do not contact. Take that mental energy you are expending and focus it on something positive: yourself.

[bathtub-row]

To put it in context yes I am angry at how things turned out but I feel that by hoping that things go wrong for MM somehow I am aggravating his importance in my life. Yes we had good times but that's all there was to it. I never planned on leaving my M neither did he. We never made promises to each other. It was going to end. And this is it. So mentally I can say I knew and I wasn't expecting it to progress really. It was the letting go part which was quite difficult for me. As I tried too many times but I guess I was beaten to it.....

 

It’s not about wishing for bad things to happen to him. It’s about indifference.

[Thamary Scott]

Here's an update. Almost 5 weeks NC now. I am nowhere near the person I was when I posted for the first time. I would want to tell all those struggling with NC that it does get better. I have not called, txtd or messaged MM in any way. I have never checked his social media profiles. I know the kind of pain it brings. So no more pain for me. Its a choice. Those in NC don't worry and don't be afraid to feel all the bad feelings.

 

It gets better! Of course I still have some bad days but overall I feel much better. I have more clarity. I understand my situation a lot better now. I still think of MM a lot hey. But I know I am in NC forever and I accept it. It has given me freedom. Thanks all for your support.

[Vivir]

Thamary, good for you (time to bring out the happy bunny!)

[Phoenician]

TS ;

You need a reality check .

Won't throw stones ,I am not here to judge all what you have done ... and excuses about your hubby being away while you starved affection .....

 

-What is the most important thing in your life ?

 

the most important thing in your life is that :

 

-you are alive .

 

while appreciating being alive , I want you to do one thing :

just say thank you every morning that you are still alive ,this thank you goes to anything you beleieve in ( God , Gods, Karma, etc...).

 

The most important thing is that you are appreciating being alive .

 

then , ask yourself , suppose you know or fear that next day you won't wakeup; what would you do in those 24 hours ?

 

how long you will hug your children ,what lesson you want to give to them ?

 

How you want to say goodbye to your husband , he wasn't a bad person right ?

 

he was just human ...

 

IF YOU APPRECIATE LIFE , YOU SHOULD FREAK TO DEATH NOW , FEEL GUILTY AND Embrace your Family .!

 

After you become free and grateful to what you have already , then you tell your husband about what happened , and don't defend yourself , you should admit it , you should clearly say that it is over , and you shouldn't expose details .

Edited October 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[Thamary Scott]

Phoenician,

 

 

I do not understand your post at all. This is OW/OM forum where people like me are being rehabilitated. At no point in my last post have I gloated that what I did was right so what reality check are you referring to?

 

 

I may not have mentioned it but definitely I took advise from all here and my M is in a much better place as well. I think telling my H or not is a personal choice! If I do choose to tell him I will do it in my time and when I know its right. Right now I am fighting to regain everything I lost i.e. happiness, self confidence etc and it is a huge fight if you've been in my situation. I will keep fighting and each day in NC things are getting clearer and I am happier.