Addicted to Incest Porn/Secret Phone

[BaileyB]

Like I said before I wouldn't be so harsh about it if there was a mixture of "porn genres" he watched. But when I first found out about this not only were their porn videos, he was watching incest porn interviews on youtube of real actual people. He said he was "curious." Then, later on, he tells me in counseling he was sexually abused at 12 by an older cousin and it was pretty extreme. So with all that I just don't understand how you would enjoy watching this type of porn. I for one being some who have experienced sexual abuse not as extreme as his case. I could never watch that type of porn.

 

That's your own judgment, and he is not you. You have not experienced what he has experienced. With all due respect, you can not say what you would/would not do. You have not experienced the same and you are different people.

 

He had a very unhealthy experience with sex early in his life. That changes who a person is and what they think about sex/forming intimate relationships. This, to me, is more concerning than watching porn.

 

Has he ever had any counselling related to the sexual abuse he experienced as a child?

[kristinn239]

Not really consistent enough to overcome I dont think. He will go a few sessions and then work or something comes up and he will start slowly missing appointments.

 

The counselor he went to the most though stated that his addiction to this type of porn is because it's his way of controlling the situation versus how he felt when he was abused as a young teen. She also said that watching people enjoy this incestual act arouses him because he felt violated. IDK i'm not a counselor it just all doesn't make sense to me.

[pepperbird]

op,

I read through your posts, and I can understand why you are upset, and I don;t think it's really the porn.

 

 

I think it's more that he's lying and hiding it from you. If he has the personality that would rather go behind your back than discuss it up front, it could have been anything.

 

 

 

In my opinion, you really should, even before your baby is born, sit down with your husband somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or restaurant and talk to him about how you feel. Let him know you aren't judging him for his fantasies, but you would prefer if, from now on, he was more honest about it. Explain to him how his going behind your back makes you really anxious, and you would prefer it if he could be open with you. If he feels like he can share it with you, you might even be able to find out why this particular genre of pornography interests him so much, and once you understand that, it may not seem so threatening( so long as it;s two consenting adult actors...if they are underage, or if they are even just pretending to be that's another kettle of fish).

 

It doesn't have to result in a huge blowout, it's just a discussion, and clearing the air now will help to reduce your stress levels.

 

 

 

That doesn't mean you have to like or even approve of what he's looking at, nor does it mean his viewing has to be right in your face. It just means that he can feel comfortable being honest with you, and this can help to build both trust between the two of you and your own self esteem.

[JuneL]

But she IS judging him, big time.

 

How many hours does he watch, when you call that addiction?

 

op,

I read through your posts, and I can understand why you are upset, and I don;t think it's really the porn.

 

I think it's more that he's lying and hiding it from you. If he has the personality that would rather go behind your back than discuss it up front, it could have been anything.

 

 

 

In my opinion, you really should, even before your baby is born, sit down with your husband somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or restaurant and talk to him about how you feel. Let him know you aren't judging him for his fantasies, but you would prefer if, from now on, he was more honest about it. Explain to him how his going behind your back makes you really anxious, and you would prefer it if he could be open with you. If he feels like he can share it with you, you might even be able to find out why this particular genre of pornography interests him so much, and once you understand that, it may not seem so threatening( so long as it;s two consenting adult actors...if they are underage, or if they are even just pretending to be that's another kettle of fish).

 

It doesn't have to result in a huge blowout, it's just a discussion, and clearing the air now will help to reduce your stress levels.

 

 

 

That doesn't mean you have to like or even approve of what he's looking at, nor does it mean his viewing has to be right in your face. It just means that he can feel comfortable being honest with you, and this can help to build both trust between the two of you and your own self esteem.

[Mr. Lucky]

I could never watch that type of porn.

 

I feel you're raising the "incest" flag to reinforce your general position - you don't want him to watch porn. You don't like the secrecy and energy drain on your marriage and it just offends you in general.

 

A perfectly reasonable position, if that's your dealbreaker, so be it.

 

But you need to own that stance in any discussion with him so your can both make decisions about your marriage and work to improve it, if that's to be the outcome.

 

Right now, you're just muddying the water...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blanco]

How old are you, OP?

[Maraud3r]

First of all, STEP anything is not incest. Ever. They're strangers. That ignores that all of this is stage.

Then, later on, he tells me in counseling he was sexually abused at 12 by an older cousin and it was pretty extreme.

So he might be coping in his own way with a past trauma. He otherwise seems to be a completely functional human being.

 

So with all that I just don't understand how you would enjoy watching this type of porn. I for one being some who have experienced sexual abuse not as extreme as his case. I could never watch that type of porn.

He is NOT you. He's not an extension of your self. He's his own person. Everyone copes with trauma and experioences different. Everyone has different tastes and preferences.

 

I knew girls who liked to play "rape" or "rough sex" despite having been victims earlier in their life. Often times this was a way to regain agency. To "overwrite" bad memories with new ones where they voluntarily participated. With someone they loved and trusted.

 

Everyone is and copes different.

 

I think it's more that he's lying and hiding it from you. If he has the personality that would rather go behind your back than discuss it up front, it could have been anything.

Except he has a good reason to hide it. Because she's going after him, shaming him and trying to keep ban him from it. You're excusing her controlling behaviour with his evasion and dishonesty, ignoring that he only tries to placate her because she's controlling and he can't actually talk to her.

 

Let him know you aren't judging him for his fantasies, but you would prefer if, from now on, he was more honest about it.

This really feels like you aren't reading what she writes. SHE IS judging him for it, SHE IS shaming him for it. It's the very reason why he feels the need to hide it in an attempt to placate her.

[pepperbird]

First of all, STEP anything is not incest. Ever. They're strangers. That ignores that all of this is stage.

 

So he might be coping in his own way with a past trauma. He otherwise seems to be a completely functional human being.

 

 

He is NOT you. He's not an extension of your self. He's his own person. Everyone copes with trauma and experioences different. Everyone has different tastes and preferences.

 

I knew girls who liked to play "rape" or "rough sex" despite having been victims earlier in their life. Often times this was a way to regain agency. To "overwrite" bad memories with new ones where they voluntarily participated. With someone they loved and trusted.

 

Everyone is and copes different.

 

 

Except he has a good reason to hide it. Because she's going after him, shaming him and trying to keep ban him from it. You're excusing her controlling behaviour with his evasion and dishonesty, ignoring that he only tries to placate her because she's controlling and he can't actually talk to her.

 

 

This really feels like you aren't reading what she writes. SHE IS judging him for it, SHE IS shaming him for it. It's the very reason why he feels the need to hide it in an attempt to placate her.

 

 

The OP has every right to her views about incest porn. She also has every right to determine what is and is not acceptable in her own home.

 

 

 

This idea that she shoudl just sit back, shut up and put up with whatever he decides and not say a word because he might feel "shamed" is, in my opinion, nonsense. A marriage can't that way.

 

Their marriage may be just fine if they talk about his porn viewing. I say this because if they can talk through it, and if he is a reasonable guy, then he can explain to her why he finds it enjoyable, she can explain to him why it troubles her, and they can come to a solution that works for both of them.

 

 

Hiding and lying will only be harmful to a marriage, and it has no place. As it stands right now, he is acting like a little boy hiding things from his mommy. Discussing the issue is what adults do, and it doesn't have to mean he needs to stop watching these videos. It just means they acted like adults who have a concern for each other's feelings.

 

 

 

She'll feel better, he'll know he can go to her with a problem and they can use the lessons they learned in working through this when issues come up in the future.

[SolG]

Hi OP, I'm a woman and I enjoy porn. And I do enjoy some taboo porn genres - including incest, couple with babysitter, trans, femdom, etc - in the mix.

 

Except for femdom, I've never indulged nor even had the faintest desire to indulge in the other types IRL. It's just a fantasy masturbatory tool... and sometimes some taboo adds spice.

 

And on a related note the fact that I enjoy me time with porn has absolutely no correlation to my desire for my partner. For me it's an and too, not an instead. I like sex with a partner, and sometimes I like sex with myself. And sometimes in the latter circumstance I like porn as an assist. (Actually don't mind sharing porn with a partner either!)

 

Don't know if it's the case for you OP, but I do think that sometimes folk give the whole concept of porn far more power and significance than it really has in most cases.

[Maraud3r]

The OP has every right to her views about incest porn.

Once again, it's not incest porn. Incest requires the two parties to be related by blood. Step anything aren't.

 

She also has every right to determine what is and is not acceptable in her own home.

HER home? I'm fairly certain it's THEIR home. Her husband isn't a dependant or child. She isn't the authority figure here. She can put up boundaries for herself but that is exactly what they are. For herself. They're not binding for other people.

 

So no, not only does she not have said right. As it's a shared home and both are adults. Implying she does is far beyond controlling and borderline abusive.

 

"Don't wear that mini skirt!" "Don't go out!" "Don't talk to other men!" "Don't dress that provacitvely." I bet all of these and more would send you into an angry meltdown. Yet you are telling us OP has the right to be far more invasive and controlling.

 

This idea that she shoudl just sit back, shut up and put up with whatever he decides and not say a word because he might feel "shamed" is, in my opinion, nonsense. A marriage can't that way.

A marriage in your opinion seems to be her way or the highway. With the other person supposed to bend over in pretzels and only ever act as she wants them to.

 

That's not a marriage.

 

and they can come to a solution that works for both of them.

No they can't. What porn he watches, unless he breaks some law and what he masturbates to is ENTIRELY his choice. It's him making decisions about his own sexuality and body.

 

He does not have to "justify" or "explain" why he likes the things he likes. Especially given his attempt to do so have been met with derision, personal attacks and shaming.

 

He is NOT a dependant of hers, he does NOT own her serfdom, he's an adult making choices for himself. She does not get to control this.

 

Hiding and lying will only be harmful to a marriage

No! Just no! Her controlling behaviour, lack of boundaries, treating him like an extension of her own self and other antics are what is harmful to their relationship.

 

You supporting this is frankly speaking worrisome.

 

As it stands right now, he is acting like a little boy hiding things from his mommy. Discussing the issue is what adults do, and it doesn't have to mean he needs to stop watching these videos. It just means they acted like adults who have a concern for each other's feelings.

You keep ignoring that he tried to talk to her about this and was stonewalled at every turn and outright punished for it. That she has no interest in any kind of solution. You blame him for the entire situation, when it's her way or the highway.

 

What the hell.

 

She'll feel better,

 

Which is all you seem to care about?

 

he'll know he can go to her with a problem

 

You calling this a problem is quite telling. And no, he can't. He as tried it and she's shown he can't. You're contradicting yourself. You're justifying her behaviour, shifting the blame entirely to him and then expect him to expose himself to some more verbal beatings and lashings for "causing a problem".

[Whoknew30]

How can someone think they are in charge of the way someone masturbates? That’s control issues on a whole other level. He’s lying to you bc you won’t leave it alone. Your husband is a grown man, he’s not cheating on you, leave the guy alone to play with his body the way he likes.

 

I’m a woman & I cant Imagine my husband trying to control how I touch my own body. When your break it down your want to be in charge of what a grown man watches alone. Is he allowed to ban you from watching things? If porn isn’t your cup of tea, don’t watch it. It’s simple.

 

Treat your husband like a kid & he will start to treat you like his mother...lying, ignoring you, not listening, which is already happening. I suggest you let it go & give him the privacy he deserves.

[JuneL]

Since kids have been mentioned a few times in this thread, I am just wondering if your kids will be taught to think of sexual fantasy as something dirty when you are so rigid about porn.

 

I hope the OP will come back to reply to some of our feedback.

[Lanmat]

I would not take the fact its incest porn into consideration.

 

For some reason and idk why that kind of porn as been super popular lately.

 

go on a porn site and have a look at the videos

Incest porn make up like 15% of the videos ( i really dont get it )