Does having sex too soon with a guy ruin things?

[morrowrd]

When I dated, I felt that if we spent the night together, it was safe to assume that the girl had the right to expect that we were giving things a chance to see where they led. (Meaning, a relationship was in the cards.) For that to happen, I would be dating just her and to go further, investing more time and energy communicating and doing intimate things like having dinner together, possibly meeting friends and family.

 

My problems happened when we slept together too fast, and then I saw red flags I didn't like, or the red flags I didn't take seriously starting out, started to become "redder." At that point I would extract myself, and it would be more complicated because of that (slept together) piece. "What happened? I thought we were good? What did I do" - those situations I felt deserved a one on one in person talk where I would tell them I felt we were a bad match. This cycle repeated itself a few times before I learned to move slower, it's too easy to move fast sometimes. Especially if there's attraction, and you're lonely.

[thefooloftheyear]

The only mind you know is your own. This logic is based on the good old; men are looking for sex while women are looking for relationships, therefore sex should be used as a currency to lure men into relationships.

 

Have sex when it feels right. If he or she likes you they will not disappear after sex and they will also not mind waiting. Point is: It doesn’t matter.

 

If it was "old logic" we wouldn't be having the discussion(and it wouldn't be as common a topic as it is here)..And it also wouldn't back up the numerous studies that show that guys aren't committing as much now, because they don't have to ...

 

https://nypost.com/2017/09/02/cheap-sex-is-making-men-give-up-on-marriage/

 

"All of this, Regnerus concludes, means that as long as sex is so low-cost for men, heterosexual women will have increasing difficulties finding a partner worth committing to."

 

So IMO.,I know of no woman with ESP powers. if you are woman and don't mind being used for sex until you find "the right one", then you're right....it doesn't matter.. Because that's exactly what a lot of guys will do...

 

TFY

[lana-banana]

W/r/t the above, Regnerus has been rebuked by the ASA, AAP and AMA for misleading social research, so I'd take anything he says with a whole block o'salt.

 

As others have said, have sex when it feels right. Ideally it happens after you've had some good conversations, established who you are, and are feeling a connection. (And ideally you have had the testing/STD talk first too!) The better you understand each other, the less likely you are to misinterpret sexual encounters. When I was dating I never had sex before making it clear that I wanted a relationship and didn't believe in having sex outside of those circumstances. I usually had sex pretty early on and it worked out fine.

 

If a guy really likes you he isn't going to change his mind if you have sex too early. If he's on the fence and sex changes his mind, he probably wasn't that good of a match to begin with. You are not responsible for someone else's hangups about what kind of sexual activity is "appropriate".

[MaleIntuition]

If it was "old logic" we wouldn't be having the discussion(and it wouldn't be as common a topic as it is here)..And it also wouldn't back up the numerous studies that show that guys aren't committing as much now, because they don't have to ...

 

https://nypost.com/2017/09/02/cheap-sex-is-making-men-give-up-on-marriage/

 

"All of this, Regnerus concludes, means that as long as sex is so low-cost for men, heterosexual women will have increasing difficulties finding a partner worth committing to."

 

So IMO.,I know of no woman with ESP powers. if you are woman and don't mind being used for sex until you find "the right one", then you're right....it doesn't matter.. Because that's exactly what a lot of guys will do...

 

TFY

 

If you want to back up your argument with science - link me actual science not some random opinion of some religious slut-shamnig-bs (or whatever that was). According to the statistics, where I live, men struggle with finding relationships more so than women.

 

The reason why this question keeps comming up is because big parts of the world seems to still struggle with the idea that (most) women enjoy sex as well. And while I’m at it; men are also interested in relationships.

 

A “man” whom is pretending to be interested in a relationship is not relationship material anyway. That’s why it doesn’t matter.

[BaileyB]

I personally don’t think a month is early. A first date - we’ll, that’s early.

 

But then again, I don’t sleep with guys before we have “the exclusivity talk.” And this is only because, I’m not sleeping with a guy who’s sleeping with other women.

[central]

IMO, for most guys, it changes nothing. Either they are into you, or they're not. NOT having sex with a guy may result in him moving on sooner, but having sex will usually not result in him moving on unless he wasn't that into you anyway. And a guy who IS into you, will be into you even with early sex. If anything, he may be more likely to want to stay because you are investing in the relationship and he sees signs that you are into him, as well. So, IMO, you may as well enjoy sex regardless of the outcome for the relationship, and not think of it as a way to manipulate a relationship - that's the path to destroying one.

[thefooloftheyear]

se

If you want to back up your argument with science - link me actual science not some random opinion of some religious slut-shamnig-bs (or whatever that was). According to the statistics, where I live, men struggle with finding relationships more so than women.

 

The reason why this question keeps comming up is because big parts of the world seems to still struggle with the idea that (most) women enjoy sex as well. And while I’m at it; men are also interested in relationships.

 

A “man” whom is pretending to be interested in a relationship is not relationship material anyway. That’s why it doesn’t matter.

 

A buddy of mine recently divorced...Went on OLD...Slept with more than 20 women over the course of a year and a half...It just happened naturally, He never pressured them., many just slept with him on the first date...

 

When he moved on to someone else, practically all of them got angry and accused him of playing them or using them for sex.. He would often even show me the texts....As if by that event, the guys now are obligated to commit?? .

 

Now...if he's not pressuring them and no promises were made, then what right do they have to complain that he's not staying with them and continuing a relationship??

 

I have no issue with women that enjoy sex...Its great...More power to them...It just seems like they want to enjoy that part of their sexuality, but get pissed off if guys don't comply exactly as they should...

 

Hence the reason for the original thread/post....

 

My only thinking is this...If a woman "holds out" then she will probably weed out the players, because the good guys that are seeking relationships wont mind waiting...most of the players will move on...If you want to just say "go with your gut" that's fine too, but realize that it will likely result in the same old scenario the op is in...

 

TFY

[5x5]

i slept with him a month into knowing him but i am looking for a relationship and we havent had that talk yet..

did i mess things up? do guys view girls as not relationship material because she slept with him too soon?

 

To me that is really late.

 

Sex is the most important component of any ongoing long term sexual relationship. With that consideration in mind, I won't have a long term sexual relationship with anyone who doesn't share sex with me early on.

 

My ex-wife and I had sex within two hours of meeting each oher, we started dating after that.

 

My current (2nd) wife and I started having sex on our third date, and we have happily been together for 22+ years with 19+ years being married.

 

For my third longest sexual relationship, my ex partner and I started having sex together at the end of our second date.

[anika99]

OP you should have sex when you want to have sex and when it feels right to you. If you let men dictate when it's acceptable for you to have sex then you will never win. On this thread we have the hypocritical double standard men and then I have seen other threads where there are a bunch of entitled "you owe me sex" men saying they won't continue to date a woman who won't have sex with them by the third date.

 

If you never had sex with this guy you could just as easily be asking "why doesn't this guy want a relationship? Is it because I won't have sex with him?" and a bunch of guys would jump onto your thread saying "yeah, why should a man continue to spend time and money on you when you won't give him sex" or "stop being a tease and acting like sex is something that has to be earned" so don't bother asking other people when you should have sex because you will never win that way. It's your life and your body so you get to decide when you will have sex.

 

The only time I would caution a woman about having sex too early is when talking to women who have sex with every guy and then complain that they want a relationship but men just use them for sex. Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying that women who want a relationship should not have sex early into dating someone. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that if a woman can't enjoy casual sex just for the sake of enjoying the sex then she shouldn't be doing casual sex. Just like men have to accept that they are not owed sex just because they paid for a date, women have to accept that they are not owed a relationship just because they had sex.

 

I see so many women saying their feelings are hurt because they slept with some guy right away but now he won't be her boyfriend. They say "he just used me for sex" and I'm like huh? Didn't you also want sex? Didn't you also enjoy the sex? So have all the sex you want whenever you want but realize that sex doesn't determine an outcome. I personally hold off on having sex to soon, not because I'm trying to prove my worth to a guy or because I think a man has to earn sex, but because I really don't get much satisfaction from casual sex with a virtual stranger. I don't necessarily want to have a serious relationship but I do want to at least have a connection with the person that goes beyond physical lust.

[RedHead5]

So I'll give my two cents here because I just made things official after 2.5 months with someone I slept with on the first date.

 

First of all, a man is either looking for a relationship or not. Sleeping with him is not going to change that. Second, I do what I feel like. If I want to have sex, I'll do it. If a guy is so closed minded and judgemental about sex, he isn't the one for me anyway.

 

That said. I didn't think I was looking for a relationship when I slept with this guy. Also, he is the only guy I slept with on a first date since I reentered the dating pool a year ago. So, assuming that because she did it once she does it all the time is incorrect.

 

I do like sex, and as was mentioned earlier, guys complaining about a lack of sex should really think this through. I dont use sex as a bargaining chip. I simply do what I feel like doing.

 

So this is how it played out: we met for a drink, ended up staying out all night. I agreed to go back to his place and we talked until the sun came up and then he eventually made his move lol. I slept with him because we really clicked and I liked him. When I left that morning I had no assumptions I was in a relationship, in fact I was talking to others. I don't know if he was or not. Didn't ask because I didn't want to know.

 

Over the next month or so we hung out about twice a week. I started cutting off the other guys I was talking to and then asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He said no. I STILL didn't consider myself in a relationship, only that we were not talking to or sleeping with other people.

 

At some point I deleted my dating apps and/or profiles. We continued to hang out at the same pace, meeting friends, kids, etc. He was very consistent in communication the whole time, would text me at least once a day. It just evolved. I'm actually a little nervous now that things are somewhat "official" because I really wasn't looking for a relationship but I really like this guy. (Quotes are because we had a boyfriend/girlfriend convo last week but aren't Facebook official yet lmao)

 

Any guy that I would want to be with wouldn't judge me for sleeping with him too soon. Not all guys that sleep with you on the first date are players. Not all girls who do are sluts. If you think girls who have sex quickly are trashy and you still sleep with them, you are probably a douche because there are girls with feelings out there you are messing with and you treat it like a game.

Edited September 16, 2018 by RedHead5

[Chilli]

I'm not a woman, but I know full well how the mind of a man operates, so it just seems like common sense to me that if you want to qualify a guy as being into you for more than your body parts, then you need to make sure you do whatever it takes to qualify them...If you always put out easily, then you really cant tell...

 

The world is full of happily married and ltr couples that slept on the first date....And I am sure there are people that waited and things fell apart...That's life...

 

Smart and desirable women know how to play the game....They realize there is so much more to them that a guy wants so they hold that part carefully...The thinking that guys who are really into a woman will think they are cold or a prude and vanish if they don't get sex right away is pure hogwash....Never seen it happen in my life...

 

Realize that I have zero problems with the "new" age of women wanting to aggressively pursue their own sexual needs/desires...But there is well documented evidence that guys are using this as a way to not commit to many of them....In fact, most of the recent studies are showing that guys are no longer committing to ltrs and marriages because its so easy to get laid now...

TFY

 

 

yep , all exactly what l was trying to get at.

[Chilli]

The men that complain when women are sexual, too sexual, sexual too soon, are probably the same men who whine about their sexless marriages because they opt for women who aren't into sex.

 

Contrary, average women couldn't even imagine the lovers women that know how to value themselves usually are.

But , no surprises here seen it all over this place 100 times , same ol same ol

Edited September 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[SteadyPace]

Not for me. There are too many other attributes to consider when ruling someone out.. Takes me a decent amount of time to decide if I should rule someone out. Having sex too early in the game is not a deal breaker for me..

[Syre17]

i slept with him a month into knowing him but i am looking for a relationship and we havent had that talk yet..

did i mess things up? do guys view girls as not relationship material because she slept with him too soon?

As a guy, I wouldn’t judge or hold this against you. If there’s a strong mutual attraction and feelings, which can happen very quickly, then why not!?!? In all honesty, I tend to prefer intimacy sooner than later because (and not to sound shallow) if the sex is bad, I’d be questioning if it’s the right person and relationship for me because yes, sex and intimacy are very important to me.

[SevenCity]

so she slept with you on the first date. when did you commit to her?

 

did you guys keep sleeping together for a while, and did you see her as less of a chase? did you care about a woman who plays hard to get? were you looking for a relationship?

 

I gave him a blow job on the first date, but we didnt have sex until we hung out like 8 or so times.

 

I think many people missed this. And, yes, this will disqualify you with many men.

 

Double standard? Perhaps. But so is expecting a guy to approach, ask you out, and pay for the date. Such is life.

 

Why? Because if a woman will give it up so quickly with you, then it makes a man feel less special. This is not the case for most women as they WANT A man to be great in bed.

 

It’s not so much you gave it up too quickly with him, it’s the idea that you give it up that quickly with EVERYONE. Most guys don’t like that.

 

I tend to sleep with woman a lot sooner than other men and I have no issue with it. Actually, I like it because it is setting me apart from the previous men she dated.

 

If a woman says to me she sleeps with every guy on the second date, no, she would not be my girlfriend.

 

ETA: many men find a woman giving a bj as far more intimate an act than sex.

[LilyRose1994]

Everyone is different and every relationship is different. It all depends on the person. Just talk to him and see what he says. The worst thing that can happen is he says that he doesn't see you as relationship materiel. Which is then his loss. And if that's the case then you have more time to work on yourself and find out what it is that you want. Someone will come along one day

 

I hope it all works out!

[Dis]

I think some posters are being too idealist about this

 

If a women gives a guy a BJ on the first date, he's probably going to think this isn't the first time she's done this. Do men AND women really want a partner who gives their date oral sex on the first date?

 

Maybe this is the first time OP has done this but the guy in question doesn't know that. He's probably thinking, based on the information he has, that she's more of a FWB than a gf. Women who prefer not to put their mouths around a strangers D have better chances of being a gf than women who don't.

 

Everyone can argue women have a right to be sexual and blah blah but the fact is, many guys don't view women who so loosely share themselves sexually on the first date as gf material

 

I'm not saying they're aren't relationships that have started off that way, but how many threads have we all read on LS about a woman having oral sex or PIV sex with a guy early on and he later ghosts her? I mean, let's not argue with that fact. LS is chalk full of them.

 

I don't know about any of you but there's no way in he** I would touch a guy in that way when exclusivity wasn't established and he might be out there having sex with other women. That's gross and dangerous in terms of STDs.

 

Everyone can try to put a pretty spin on this but many guys, especially guys under 30, don't see a woman who gives him a BJ on the first date to be gf material as evidenced by the countless threads documented that matter.

 

I'm willing to bet OP and this guy hit a dead end soon.

[Sunlight72]

i slept with him a month into knowing him but i am looking for a relationship and we havent had that talk yet..

did i mess things up? do guys view girls as not relationship material because she slept with him too soon?

Speaking for myself, I slept with a woman the third day we knew each other, after 1 date on the second day we knew each other.

 

It's been just over 6 months, and we are talking about marriage. I'm hoping for a 'yes' from her.

 

I've not slept with anyone that soon before - not by a long way. She and I just have so much in common, and so much chemistry that I want to be her husband.

[Dis]

Speaking for myself, I slept with a woman the third day we knew each other, after 1 date on the second day we knew each other.

 

It's been just over 6 months, and we are talking about marriage. I'm hoping for a 'yes' from her.

 

I've not slept with anyone that soon before - not by a long way. She and I just have so much in common, and so much chemistry that I want to be her husband.

 

That's awesome Sunlight! I'm so happy for you

 

I just think your situation is not exactly the norm

[stillafool]

Nobody gives a man a blowjob on the first date with nothing for herself unless this is something that she deeply desired to do. Own it. You wanted to do it, enjoyed it and that's that. Now is not the time to worry about what he thinks of you or how you can change his thoughts. That ship has sailed. If women want sex and have it stop saying you were used just because the guy doesn't want anything more from you. You both used each other because you could have always say NO. It's actually starting to sound a bit silly.

Edited September 16, 2018 by stillafool

[Dis]

Nobody gives a man a blowjob on the first date with nothing for herself unless this is something that she deeply desired to do. Own it. You wanted to do it, enjoyed it and that's that. Now is not the time to worry about what he thinks of you or how you can change his thoughts. That ship has sailed. If women want sex and have it stop saying you were used. You both used each other because she could have always keep your legs and mouth closed and said NO. It's actually starting to sound silly.

 

I agree

 

Just because a woman has sex with a man doesn't mean he owes her anything and vice versa

 

If one choses to have sex with a person knowing they're not a couple, or don't know each other well...being upset if that person calls things off is ridiculous

 

If a woman is going to get upset about possibly being ghosted or dumped after sex, she shouldn't have done it

 

That goes for men too

 

We all have to take responsibility for our actions. Own it or don't do it.

[basil67]

se

 

A buddy of mine recently divorced...Went on OLD...Slept with more than 20 women over the course of a year and a half...It just happened naturally, He never pressured them., many just slept with him on the first date...

 

When he moved on to someone else, practically all of them got angry and accused him of playing them or using them for sex.. He would often even show me the texts....As if by that event, the guys now are obligated to commit?? .

 

Now...if he's not pressuring them and no promises were made, then what right do they have to complain that he's not staying with them and continuing a relationship??

 

I have no issue with women that enjoy sex...Its great...More power to them...It just seems like they want to enjoy that part of their sexuality, but get pissed off if guys don't comply exactly as they should...

 

Hence the reason for the original thread/post....

 

My only thinking is this...If a woman "holds out" then she will probably weed out the players, because the good guys that are seeking relationships wont mind waiting...most of the players will move on...If you want to just say "go with your gut" that's fine too, but realize that it will likely result in the same old scenario the op is in...

 

TFY

 

The women who angrily texted your mate were lacking commonsense. I also wonder if they had a habit of blaming everyone else when other things go wrong in their lives too. Back in my dating days, while I was OK with early sex, I also knew that it didn't mean anything. If we keep seeing each other and a relationship forms, that's great. But if it doesn't, then so be it. The morning after I met my now partner, I woke and wondered if I should call a cab. But he rolled over, kissed me good morning, we had sex again then we spent the day together - with clothes on - further getting to know each other. But yes, it could have gone either way and it's a risk I took.

 

Regarding holding out, yes, a woman will likely skip the players. But she may also accidentally find herself a man who's hypocritical about such matters. No matter how you play it, there are no guarantees.

[Whodatdog]

Having sex on a first date can cloud the future dating a bit, if someone thinks having sex "claims" a partner. People have sex all the time, without being in a relationship. To actually have a relationship, there has to be a deeper emotional involvement, otherwise its just sex. Whether you have sex on the first date, or a month later, if the emotional bond isnt there....well, then its just sex.

[5x5]

Everyone can try to put a pretty spin on this but many guys, especially guys under 30, don't see a woman who gives him a BJ on the first date to be gf material as evidenced by the countless threads documented that matter.

 

I come from a country that is quite secular, with religious belief tumbling downward. In the social circles I have been in, sex has been easily shared early on. Most of my Gen-X friends and I had sex with people early on. Yet we had no problem having long term sexual relationships from that starting point, or letting them go if the experience was meh or we were not after more.

 

Almost all of my married Gen-X friends who I was close with in school and or as a young adult, hooked up with their spouses at parties and the like. Divorce amongst my friends who had sex with their spouses early on or just after meeting them is very rare. With me being one of the rare exceptions through my first marriage.

 

When my current (2nd) wife and I shared sex together early on, neither of us was looking for an ongoing long term sexual relationship. It was just going to be some fun for a night or possibly for a few weeks. Neither of us were expecting more.

 

Funnily enough my wife has a 46 year old friend who she has known since she was around 20. This friend is quite religious (Catholic). Yet she has never been married, is still a virgin and has tremendous difficulty getting beyond the first few dates with any man. Especially through the last decade even though she has always wanted to be married.

 

My wife thinks if she is ever to get anywhere in terms of having a long term sexual relationship, she ought to start having sex with men early on.

 

Since she thinks no man at our age that is in their right mind. Would be foolish enough to invest in long term dating let alone marriage, without getting sex out of the way.

 

As to the under 30 crowd today, I would wonder if they have a pulse if they're not having at it as soon as possible.

[Rocker71]

Have sex too soon, and you're not relationship material. Wait too long and you're a stuck-up prude. Women cannot win, can they?

 

When, exactly, is the right time?

 

If the woman wants sex on the first meeting I get suspicious. A bj is ok though. If the first meeting goes well and we vibe great, not well, but great on the second date, sex is ok.

 

If we get to the 4th or 5th date and she's still holding out I'll suspect she's using me to alleviate her boredom, trying to make someone jealous or some other thing and I'll typically stop contacting her.

 

I'm not looking for a committed relationship right now but, I don't want to keep company with a woman who has some type of agenda for hanging out with me.