Unsure About Breaking Up With Girlfriend Of 3 Years

[Wait]

My M[30] girlfriend [F/28] of 3 years and I have grown apart over the last 12-18 months. She is sweet, attractive, highly intelligent, trustworthy, and genuine. She is the first girl I've trusted completely and the first girl who I've felt actually loved me unconditionally. It may be important to note that I am a serial monogamist and our relationship started less than two months after I got out of a toxic four year relationship. We have been living together for almost two years now.

 

At first, we thought it was meant to be and that we were each other's soul mates. Unfortunately, our differences have been pulling us apart for over a year now. We are on two different sides of the political spectrum, our spirituality/religion just barely align, I'm a huge risk taker and fly by the seat of my pants while she's calculated & methodical, I focus on today while she focuses on the past and future. She's very messy and admits that she hates to cook and clean, and therefore doesn't do either of those things. This in turn causes me to be messy and not cook because I'm stubborn and don't want to compensate for her laziness. She's very negative about things and gets upset about even the most trivial happenings while I don't let much bother me. I've experienced tragedy which has shifted my perspective on life and has made me not sweat the small things anymore.

 

My biggest gripe, and the biggest turnoff, is her immaturity. It's as if she has the emotional intelligence of a 16 year old. She's still really into stuffed animals and, if she had her way, we would only watch animated movies everyday. Her parents' opinions are law and she's highly impressionable. She's cute and innocent, but as I get older I'm finding myself wanting a sexy, confident woman. And I don't mean sexy in looks, I mean sexy in the way a woman carries herself; a fearlessness if you will.

 

I guess there's really nothing wrong with either of us, we just operate and communicate in different ways. I'm finding it really difficult to break it off "just because".

Edited September 14, 2018 by Wait

[d0nnivain]

You have been dating 3 years & living together for 2. For most people the next step would be marriage. Clearly you don't want that. So you are not breaking up "just because". You are breaking up so that she can go find somebody else who finds her love of stuffed animals adorable who wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Meanwhile you will be free to find somebody who's philosophy more mirrors yours.

[Normm]

I'm seeing everything wrong.

 

 

 

You two are completely incompatible. You've already wasted 3 years, and time is a valuable commodity.

 

 

 

You know what you're going to do so why wait?

[Downtown]

Wait, as we discussed in your Feb 2017 thread last year, you were describing many warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Given that you are still undecided about leaving your GF, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

The biggest turnoff, is her immaturity.... She's still really into stuffed animals.

When a 28 year old woman surrounds herself with stuffed animals, this behavior does NOT prove she is a BPDer. It nonetheless can be considered a warning sign because a number of studies in peer-reviewed journals have found a strong correlation between BPD and the collection of stuffed animals by adults.

 

For example, a 1996 hospital study found that "Among 36 female patients who displayed stuffed animals in their rooms, Borderline Personality Disorder was diagnosed in 22 (61%) of these patients. Of 447 adult female patients admitted to the same unit over the same period, only 17% were noted to be diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder." See Psychological Reports, Oct 1996, at 1.

 

Similarly, a 2012 study in the Journal of Personality Disorders concludes that "Patients with BPD tend to develop strong attachments to transitional objects such as stuffed animals.... Heavy emotional reliance on transitional objects in adulthood may be an indicator of underlying pathology, particularly BPD." See J. Pers. Disorders, Apr 2012, at 1.

 

More recently, a 2017 study in Scientific Reports find that "Adult patients with borderline personality disorders (BPD) frequently have attachments to inanimate transitional objects (TOs) such as stuffed animals." See Scientific Reports, Oct 2017, at 1.

[Wait]

Wait, as we discussed in your Feb 2017 thread last year, you were describing many warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Given that you are still undecided about leaving your GF, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

When a 28 year old woman surrounds herself with stuffed animals, this behavior does NOT prove she is a BPDer. It nonetheless can be considered a warning sign because a number of studies in peer-reviewed journals have found a strong correlation between BPD and the collection of stuffed animals by adults.

 

For example, a 1996 hospital study found that "Among 36 female patients who displayed stuffed animals in their rooms, Borderline Personality Disorder was diagnosed in 22 (61%) of these patients. Of 447 adult female patients admitted to the same unit over the same period, only 17% were noted to be diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder." See Psychological Reports, Oct 1996, at 1.

 

Similarly, a 2012 study in the Journal of Personality Disorders concludes that "Patients with BPD tend to develop strong attachments to transitional objects such as stuffed animals.... Heavy emotional reliance on transitional objects in adulthood may be an indicator of underlying pathology, particularly BPD." See J. Pers. Disorders, Apr 2012, at 1.

 

More recently, a 2017 study in Scientific Reports find that "Adult patients with borderline personality disorders (BPD) frequently have attachments to inanimate transitional objects (TOs) such as stuffed animals." See Scientific Reports, Oct 2017, at 1.

 

We had a long talk tonight and, although it was very sad, we both agreed we’d each be happier going our separate ways. She’s going to start moving her things out tomorrow.

 

I’m extremely upset, but I’m not letting her see it as she has been holding it together better than expected and I don’t want either of us to start second guessing anything.

 

I have to be honest though, I immediately second guessed the decision once it was actually made. Hopefully it was indeed the right decision.

[Chilli]

Think it will be if you can make the break , you don't sound very suited at all.

[guest569]

We had a long talk tonight and, although it was very sad, we both agreed we’d each be happier going our separate ways. She’s going to start moving her things out tomorrow.

 

I’m extremely upset, but I’m not letting her see it as she has been holding it together better than expected and I don’t want either of us to start second guessing anything.

 

I have to be honest though, I immediately second guessed the decision once it was actually made. Hopefully it was indeed the right decision.

 

I'm so sorry.. For what it's worth, this was not a "just because". Sounds like you had a lot of valid reasons for ending things. Still, it's never easy.

[Logo]

I'm sorry it didn't work out between you. But you had to break up. It only seems logical.

 

 

 

This might be a bad time to ask this question, so if you don't want to 'go there', mentally, I understand. But I'm curious, when did you first start to notice that you two were growing apart?

 

 

 

Was there a point, early on, when you thought, to yourself, "Hmmm, I don't know how we're going to deal with these differences, but why not give it a try"?

 

 

Or a point when you thought, "I don't know if I can live with the messiness for years to come."

[d0nnivain]

Of course you are second guessing the decision. Change is scary. You are going from being part of a couple to being alone & that is a huge change. You are a good person & so is she which means you don't like being the source of her pain. None of that means you should stay together forever.

 

Be as gracious as possible while she packs. Offer to help and offer to leave for the night so she doesn't have to see you. Let her pick.

[Els]

If liking stuffed animals makes someone "immature", then apparently half of my girlfriends (many of whom have good jobs and/or families of their own) are apparently "immature", lol. Honestly, I think that's a pretty strange assumption.

 

 

Anyway, some of the other things that you mention do sound like red flags, and you both certainly sound very incompatible. What's the point of dragging things on?