Maybe I'M the problem...

[Wait]

I'm 28 now and have been a chronic monogamist ever since I was 14. That's 14 years of virtually always being with one girl or another. I've lived with three different girlfriends since I was 18 and have been single for a total of three months in that span. The older I get the more I regret not having any time to myself.

 

My current relationship of a year started three weeks after a four year relationship with my ex. It had been four long years of a broken relationship with a toxic person. So when I met my current girlfriend, who was the complete opposite and seemingly everything I've ever wanted, it felt like it was meant to be.

 

It still feels like it's meant to be and I'm in love with her. I just feel like I'm never content and I'll always regret not being alone for a few years and discovering who I really am.

 

My girlfriend is sweet, intelligent, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely beautiful - but she's extremely negative and emotional. It feels as though she's constantly complaining about something. From how her coworkers talk too much, to how her meal didn't taste that good out at dinner. It's incessant and it's always little things. It really takes it's toll on me as I am both an optimist and an empath. As for her emotional side, she cries at least three or four times a week. Anytime we argue, no matter how trivial, she cries because she thinks our relationship is falling apart. She constantly questions how much I love her and she get's jealous of other girls easily.

 

I'm not worried about the crying as much as the complaining as I've thought every girl I've been with has been too emotional.

 

When does the constant negativity outweigh the positives?

 

I don't even really know the point of this post is. Perhaps just to vent.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Wait

[smackie9]

Your relationship and the person you are with is sucking the life out of you. Stop being so afraid to be alone. YOU CAN CHOOSE to not be with her and not be in a relationship. No one has held a gun to your head, you are of free will, so why not take care of it right now.

 

Breakup with her and start a new journey...be single, enjoy building your independence, find out what life really has to offer.

[Wait]

Your relationship and the person you are with is sucking the life out of you. Stop being so afraid to be alone. YOU CAN CHOOSE to not be with her and not be in a relationship. No one has held a gun to your head, you are of free will, so why not take care of it right now.

 

Breakup with her and start a new journey...be single, enjoy building your independence, find out what life really has to offer.

 

But she literally has every other characteristic that I could ever want for a future wife. Sure, I'm still young, but I'd also like to get married and start a family soon.

[preraph]

Knowing that you are at heart a monogamist, you must know that this is not the one you want to stay with and raise a family. And I totally agree with you that it is very important that you live on your own depending only on yourself for at least a year or two in order to fully develop your true path and see who you are without daily influences surrounding you. I think this is the time to do it.

 

It's great that you love these women you've lived with and you will someday, if you choose, provide a nice stable family for your kids, but you are feeling the need to be independent now, and now, before you commit for life, is the very time to do it.

 

This friend of yours sounds a bit like me, says whatever she's thinking, and it bums some people out and probably doesn't faze others. But she's not right for you and she's wearing on you. The longer you stay, the harder it will be and the more time wasted. Good luck.

[Ronni_W]

Wait,

 

In this case, you are NOT the problem.

- but she's extremely negative and emotional. It feels as though she's constantly complaining about something. From how her coworkers talk too much, to how her meal didn't taste that good out at dinner. It's incessant and it's always little things. It really takes it's toll on me <snip> she cries at least three or four times a week. Anytime we argue, no matter how trivial, she cries because she thinks our relationship is falling apart. She constantly questions how much I love her and she get's jealous

She clearly is insecure and lacks emotional-impulse control; immature. This kind of behaviour is also manipulative and very effective in controlling other people -- they're always walking on eggshells, and not expressing their true feelings, dissatisfactions, desires and dislikes, for fear of 'setting off' the other person and getting blamed for it. People who display this type of behaviour are volatile, but prefer to be perceived as being 'sensitive'; yes, they're sensitive...like TNT .

 

If you truly love her, you would find your own inner strength and courage to have this most difficult conversation with her. (It is, in any case, what grown-ups have to learn how to do effectively, with love, kindness and firmness.) She needs to be helped to see this unattractive side of herself that you have outlined here -- the negativity and complaining and crying-like-a-child -- and to see that she depletes and drains the people around her; even and especially the ones she claims to care about and love.

Yes, she is going to cry. Tell her ahead of time that you know it's going to be challenging and upsetting -- for both of you -- and that you have brought a box of tissues.

Be prepared that she is going to cry. Suck it up and 'inner strength and courage' your way through it.

This is you fighting for your long-term, happy, healthy relationship and marriage with this particular woman. (She does not have to know that you're actually fighting for the health and longevity of the relationship, but let it give you inspiration and motivation.)

But she literally has every other characteristic that I could ever want for a future wife. Sure, I'm still young, but I'd also like to get married and start a family soon.

Until you take the time to discover who you really are -- and until she takes the time to learn and master some adult life-relationship skills -- then marriage between the two of you is going to be a constant struggle and even battle, with neither one of you possessing the proper tools to resolve things amicably and equitably.

 

You can find women with the same qualities who also have a far more adult approach and attitude towards life and relationships.

But, hopefully you can help this woman grow into that.

 

Sorry for being so blunt about it -- but, happiness is important.

Ronni

Edited February 3, 2017 by Ronni_W
formatting

[Wait]

Wait,

 

In this case, you are NOT the problem.

 

She clearly is insecure and lacks emotional-impulse control; immature. This kind of behaviour is also manipulative and very effective in controlling other people -- they're always walking on eggshells, and not expressing their true feelings, dissatisfactions, desires and dislikes, for fear of 'setting off' the other person and getting blamed for it. People who display this type of behaviour are volatile, but prefer to be perceived as being 'sensitive'; yes, they're sensitive...like TNT .

 

If you truly love her, you would find your own inner strength and courage to have this most difficult conversation with her. (It is, in any case, what grown-ups have to learn how to do effectively, with love, kindness and firmness.) She needs to be helped to see this unattractive side of herself that you have outlined here -- the negativity and complaining and crying-like-a-child -- and to see that she depletes and drains the people around her; even and especially the ones she claims to care about and love.

Yes, she is going to cry. Tell her ahead of time that you know it's going to be challenging and upsetting -- for both of you -- and that you have brought a box of tissues.

Be prepared that she is going to cry. Suck it up and 'inner strength and courage' your way through it.

This is you fighting for your long-term, happy, healthy relationship and marriage with this particular woman. (She does not have to know that you're actually fighting for the health and longevity of the relationship, but let it give you inspiration and motivation.)

 

Until you take the time to discover who you really are -- and until she takes the time to learn and master some adult life-relationship skills -- then marriage between the two of you is going to be a constant struggle and even battle, with neither one of you possessing the proper tools to resolve things amicably and equitably.

 

You can find women with the same qualities who also have a far more adult approach and attitude towards life and relationships.

But, hopefully you can help this woman grow into that.

 

Sorry for being so blunt about it -- but, happiness is important.

Ronni

 

I appreciate the bluntness. I think the word "immature" pretty much sums it up. That was the first word my mother said when I went to her for advice; however, how long can I wait for my girlfriend to mature? She's 25.

 

I've also tried asking her to work on being more positive and she always turns it around on me in a way that I look like the bad guy for wanting her to change. "If I'm too negative and emotional, then why are you with me?!" is a common response from her. Then the self-loathing ensues.

[kendahke]

I'm 28 now and have been a chronic monogamist ever since I was 14. That's 14 years of virtually always being with one girl or another. I've lived with three different girlfriends since I was 18 and have been single for a total of three months in that span. The older I get the more I regret not having any time to myself.

 

My current relationship of a year started three weeks after a four year relationship with my ex. It had been four long years of a broken relationship with a toxic person. So when I met my current girlfriend, who was the complete opposite and seemingly everything I've ever wanted, it felt like it was meant to be.

 

It still feels like it's meant to be and I'm in love with her. I just feel like I'm never content and I'll always regret not being alone for a few years and discovering who I really am.

 

My girlfriend is sweet, intelligent, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely beautiful - but she's extremely negative and emotional. It feels as though she's constantly complaining about something. From how her coworkers talk too much, to how her meal didn't taste that good out at dinner. It's incessant and it's always little things. It really takes it's toll on me as I am both an optimist and an empath. As for her emotional side, she cries at least three or four times a week. Anytime we argue, no matter how trivial, she cries because she thinks our relationship is falling apart. She constantly questions how much I love her and she get's jealous of other girls easily.

 

I'm not worried about the crying as much as the complaining as I've thought every girl I've been with has been too emotional.

 

When does the constant negativity outweigh the positives?

 

I don't even really know the point of this post is. Perhaps just to vent.

 

 

1. If you think that the gnawing of "what if" will grow the older you get, then you probably should end your relationship and get that out of your system because eventually you will feed it enough to where it's bigger than the situation you find yourself in.

 

2. Why does she think your relationship is falling apart? Why does she reach for that first? Why does she doubt your love for her? From where does that stem?

 

3. What girls, exactly, is she getting jealous over? Some random chick she sees on the street, tv or magazine or someone you've made a comment on or someone in your life who is overstepping their boundaries?

 

4. under what circumstances have all your past girlfriends become "too emotional"? What was going on between you two when they did this?

 

I had an ex who had inappropriate relationships with other women and it would drive me nuts. He would make inappropriate gesture like ogling women as we drove down the street, being overly flirty with waitresses and then gaslight me on what I'd just witnessed. So there is that which will feed into negativity.

 

to the negativity:

I was watching author Dennis Prager speak at the Rancho Mirage Writers Festival on his book "Happiness is a Serious Problem" and he was talking about how negativity and moodiness do more damage to a healthy relationship than most anything else. He said you can never bring up a negative person--they always will bring you down to their level. It was quite profound.

 

This is who she is... it's how she handles perceived threats. You can be as good as you wish to be, but as long as she gets more out of being negative than she does being positive, this is what you will constantly contend with.

[Ronni_W]

"If I'm too negative and emotional, then why are you with me?!" is a common response from her. Then the self-loathing ensues.

So...why ARE you with someone who is negative, childishly emotional, unwilling to grow up, unwilling to take responsibility for her harmful impact on you, emotionally and mentally draining, Energy depleting and self-loathing-inducing???

[smackie9]

But she literally has every other characteristic that I could ever want for a future wife. Sure, I'm still young, but I'd also like to get married and start a family soon.

Take it from someone who has been married for over two decades.....you cannot settle if it's not feeling right. For the long haul, if you are not completely satisfied you will regret ever investing in them.

 

Just because they look god on paper doesn't mean it's the right choice.

[Lauren24xo]

As much as you love her, I guess it's the same position I'm in. Either you have to try to make it work despite being so different from one another, or realizing that some things might not change and maybe it's best to find yourself and let herself find herself as well.

[smackie9]

marriage is no picnic...when you get bogged down with responsibility of household, mortgage, children, career, etc. You need someone who is positive and level headed that is willing to work with you and be supportive....she doesn't have what it takes to handle the harsh realities of life. You think she is negative and unsettling now, just wait when kids come along and what that brings.

[preraph]

I appreciate the bluntness. I think the word "immature" pretty much sums it up. That was the first word my mother said when I went to her for advice; however, how long can I wait for my girlfriend to mature? She's 25.

 

I've also tried asking her to work on being more positive and she always turns it around on me in a way that I look like the bad guy for wanting her to change. "If I'm too negative and emotional, then why are you with me?!" is a common response from her. Then the self-loathing ensues.

 

You have to realize that criticizing someone for being negative is in itself negative! So that never works.

[Ronni_W]

You have to realize that criticizing someone for being negative is in itself negative! So that never works.

This is the mentality for people to keep themselves stuck in harmful and distressing situations.

 

One needs proper discernment and good judgment, and these must be used properly and to full effect. Accurate assessment is not the same as negative judgment or criticism.

 

It does not work to condemn people, but we are not advocating that here. On the other side, if we are not willing to be detached and objective, then we run the risk of 'casting our pearls before swine'.

[basil67]

I appreciate the bluntness. I think the word "immature" pretty much sums it up. That was the first word my mother said when I went to her for advice; however, how long can I wait for my girlfriend to mature? She's 25.

 

I've also tried asking her to work on being more positive and she always turns it around on me in a way that I look like the bad guy for wanting her to change. "If I'm too negative and emotional, then why are you with me?!" is a common response from her. Then the self-loathing ensues.

 

Maturity is not related to chronological age. I've known 25yos who are more mature than 50yos. Don't expect her to mature further unless she chooses to apply herself to the task.

 

That said, her response to you asking her to be more positive shows you that she has no intention of changing. She has decided that this is who she is and she wants to continue in the same direction.

 

My best advice to you is to slow down on getting into committed relationships with women who aren't right for you. You're doing this at present and you're wasting time being with the wrong women.

 

Lastly, I want to add a thumbs up to the comment about how the negative person will drag down the positive person. I've been there and done that - I found myself following his negativity and cynical outlook and became a person I did not like. It took a divorce and positive friends to see me come back up out of it.

[Sweetfish]

I'm 28 now and have been a chronic monogamist ever since I was 14. That's 14 years of virtually always being with one girl or another. I've lived with three different girlfriends since I was 18 and have been single for a total of three months in that span. The older I get the more I regret not having any time to myself.

 

My current relationship of a year started three weeks after a four year relationship with my ex. It had been four long years of a broken relationship with a toxic person. So when I met my current girlfriend, who was the complete opposite and seemingly everything I've ever wanted, it felt like it was meant to be.

 

It still feels like it's meant to be and I'm in love with her. I just feel like I'm never content and I'll always regret not being alone for a few years and discovering who I really am.

 

My girlfriend is sweet, intelligent, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely beautiful - but she's extremely negative and emotional. It feels as though she's constantly complaining about something. From how her coworkers talk too much, to how her meal didn't taste that good out at dinner. It's incessant and it's always little things. It really takes it's toll on me as I am both an optimist and an empath. As for her emotional side, she cries at least three or four times a week. Anytime we argue, no matter how trivial, she cries because she thinks our relationship is falling apart. She constantly questions how much I love her and she get's jealous of other girls easily.

 

I'm not worried about the crying as much as the complaining as I've thought every girl I've been with has been too emotional.

 

When does the constant negativity outweigh the positives?

 

I don't even really know the point of this post is. Perhaps just to vent.

 

 

You seem to be leaving a codependent live style...

 

You may have a superman complex and having relationship with damaged or broken women. Women who are damaged or broken thrive on codependent people because they can extract the most attention and self-esteem from them and like a mosquito they suck the blood and once the feeding is over your out the door.

 

 

My girlfriend is sweet, intelligent, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely beautiful - but she's extremely negative and emotional.

 

I'm curious if the relationship started along the lines of you talking about all her problems and her finding comfort in you?

[joseb]

You seem to be leaving a codependent live style...

 

You may have a superman complex and having relationship with damaged or broken women. Women who are damaged or broken thrive on codependent people because they can extract the most attention and self-esteem from them and like a mosquito they suck the blood and once the feeding is over your out the

 

I'm curious if the relationship started along the lines of you talking about all her problems and her finding comfort in you?

 

 

Yes, co-dependant sprung to mind for me too.

Take if from one who used to be.

 

Also, I agree with sweetfish, I'm guessing you are acting like a bit of a white knight saving this damsel in distress. Unless you have given her good reason to be jealous/distrustful (e.g. cheating, ogling women, etc) it sounds like she is probably on the BPD/Histronic spectrum.

 

What you really need is a significant (one year minimum) period of time single.

You are still young so it's a great time to take stock, find out who you really are and find out what you might want in a woman rather than just falling from one poor relationship to another.

[Wait]

1. If you think that the gnawing of "what if" will grow the older you get, then you probably should end your relationship and get that out of your system because eventually you will feed it enough to where it's bigger than the situation you find yourself in.

 

2. Why does she think your relationship is falling apart? Why does she reach for that first? Why does she doubt your love for her? From where does that stem?

 

3. What girls, exactly, is she getting jealous over? Some random chick she sees on the street, tv or magazine or someone you've made a comment on or someone in your life who is overstepping their boundaries?

 

4. under what circumstances have all your past girlfriends become "too emotional"? What was going on between you two when they did this?

 

I had an ex who had inappropriate relationships with other women and it would drive me nuts. He would make inappropriate gesture like ogling women as we drove down the street, being overly flirty with waitresses and then gaslight me on what I'd just witnessed. So there is that which will feed into negativity.

 

to the negativity:

I was watching author Dennis Prager speak at the Rancho Mirage Writers Festival on his book "Happiness is a Serious Problem" and he was talking about how negativity and moodiness do more damage to a healthy relationship than most anything else. He said you can never bring up a negative person--they always will bring you down to their level. It was quite profound.

 

This is who she is... it's how she handles perceived threats. You can be as good as you wish to be, but as long as she gets more out of being negative than she does being positive, this is what you will constantly contend with.

 

1. I think the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side and, although I'm a risk taker at heart, I rarely ever live my life by the "what-if's". I'm not as concerned with not having been alone for a significant amount of time as I am with the underlying issues in my relationship that are causing that concern.

 

2. From day one of being "exclusive" she would constantly work herself up to the point of tears just thinking about the POSSIBILITY that one day we could break up and I'll break her heart. I am always 100% committed to whoever I'm with and try very hard to show my love for them. I work towards figuring out their "love language" and do my best to show them love and affection in a way that will be fulfilling to them. For some reason, no matter how hard I try or how long things are good for, inevitably she questions my love for her and/or the stability of the relationship.

 

3. She makes comments any time she deems a girl prettier than her. If a girl so much as looks my way or my gaze passes in the general vicinity of a girl, I won't hear the end of it. My mother always taught me not to look at other girls when I'm with someone, and I rarely ever do. I've had to cut off all ties with virtually every girl [space] friend I've had. My girlfriend asked if I had ever done anything with any of them, and I was honest and told her that I had drunkenly made out with my one best friend years ago. I haven't talked to her in over a year now because of my girlfriends concern... and GOD FORBID the girl likes anything of mine on Facebook.

 

4. Really, it's only been my most previous ex and my current girlfriend who have seemed too emotional. I came to the conclusion very early on in my previous relationship that my ex would cry to manipulate me and the arguments we'd have. She knew that I'd cave, no matter what the issue, if she started crying. My girlfriend now, however, is simply just all around emotional. She doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body, yet the waterworks come if I happen to ask her to give me a minute to finish something I'm doing in the wrong way. She'll say I'm giving her an attitude and dismissing her (which, I may be, but it's usually when I'm working or sending an email to a client).

 

I could deal with all of the above HAPPILY, if not for the negativity sprinkled in for flavor every day. I've been through a lot - raised by a single mom who had to work three jobs and never met my real father. The only father-figure in my life died tragically when I was in my late teens. I battled through an eating disorder that I was blind to since I was a child. I've been cheated on twice. The list goes on...

 

My point is: I've learned from my experiences and have cultivated a life now where I choose to be happy. Despite any trial or tribulation, I remain positive through the adversity. I want a significant other who can do the same. I've learned that life really is short and the years are going to pass by whether we like it or not, so we may as well keep a god damn smile on our face.

 

You have to realize that criticizing someone for being negative is in itself negative! So that never works.

 

Suggesting that she take a more positive outlook on things is hardly criticizing IMO.

 

 

You seem to be leaving a codependent live style...

 

You may have a superman complex and having relationship with damaged or broken women. Women who are damaged or broken thrive on codependent people because they can extract the most attention and self-esteem from them and like a mosquito they suck the blood and once the feeding is over your out the door.

 

 

I'm curious if the relationship started along the lines of you talking about all her problems and her finding comfort in you?

 

 

I definitely agree that I most likely have a superman complex... every girl I've been with has been damaged or broken; HOWEVER, when I met my current girlfriend, this didn't seem to be the case. She comes from a great, loving family who supports her no matter what. She's never had to want for anything (not in a spoiled way).

 

What I will say, and I mentioned this above, is that very early on in our relationship she would dwell on simply the possibility of our "love" not lasting and the possibility that one day she may have her heart broken. No matter how many times she got upset about it, I'd always console her and reassure that everything would be okay. Perhaps that enabled her to continue that train of thought a year into our relationship?

[Redhead14]

But she literally has every other characteristic that I could ever want for a future wife. Sure, I'm still young, but I'd also like to get married and start a family soon.

 

But she literally has every other characteristic that I could ever want for a future wife -- Except for this ONE thing. This ONE thing, however, completely negates and overshadows everything else. Imagine this behavior every week, every month, every year for years to come. Imagine this behavior when there are children around. It sounds to me that you will be raising her along with any children you do have.

[Downtown]

Wait, I agree with JoseB that you're describing some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That's what it is called here in the States. Yet, because its key feature is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, it is called "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder" throughout Europe and most of the world.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, sulking, lack of impulse control, inability to trust you, self-loathing, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for a year -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," frequent crying fits, lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I think the word "immature" pretty much sums it up. That was the first word my mother said when I went to her for advice.

If your GF is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits), childish behavior is what you should expect. A BPDer's emotional development typically is frozen at the level of a four year old. This is why BPD behaviors are perfectly normal in early childhood. And, because a large share of young teens behave like young children (due to hormone surges), BPD behaviors also are quite normal in the early teens. The result is that psychologists generally don't attempt to diagnose BPD until a person is at least 18.

 

As for her emotional side, she cries at least three or four times a week.

If she is a BPDer, she lacks important emotional skills that the rest of us learned in early childhood: e.g, how to self sooth, how to regulate her own emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong conflicting feelings, and how to intellectually challenge an intense feeling instead of accepting it as a self-evident "fact."

 

Anytime we argue, no matter how trivial, she cries because she thinks our relationship is falling apart. She constantly questions how much I love her and she get's jealous of other girls easily.

You are describing a great abandonment fear. Significantly, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your GF is a BPDer, she is so immature that she has a very weak sense of "object constancy." That is, she lacks the ability to trust that a person is essentially unchanged from day to day in his feelings for her.

 

This lack of trust presents serious problems. For one thing, it means that she likely will administer an unending series of $h!t tests to make sure you still love her TODAY. But passing a test does not mean that she will feel secure in your love. Rather, it only means she will raise the hoop higher the next time she insists that you jump through. Because a BPDer is filled with self loathing, it is impossible to prove to her that your love is lasting. She lives in fear that, once you eventually realize how empty she is on the inside, your love will evaporate and you will walk away.

 

A second problem is that the lack of trust means the R/S cannot be sustained. The reason is that trust is the foundation on which all close LTRs must be built in order for them to last. A third problem is that, if your GF can never trust you for any extended period, you can never truly trust HER -- because she eventually will turn on you.

 

She doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body.

If she is a BPDer, she likely will be very controlling but not manipulative. To be successful, manipulation requires careful planning and flawless execution. BPDers generally are far too impulsive and reactive to their current feelings to be good at manipulation. Moreover, whereas manipulation is based on lies and deceit, BPDers typically are very sincere. They usually are convinced that the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true. And, when they are claiming the exact opposite a week later, they likely will believe that nonsense is true too.

 

A BPDer nonetheless will be very controlling -- a behavior you can see coming from a mile away. Your GF, for example, is already very controlling over how you behave around other young women. My exW, for example, was jealous when she caught me looking at another woman for a 3/4 second instead of a 1/2 second. And she would feel offended if I absentmindedly walked a few steps ahead of her on a narrow sidewalk. If your GF is a BPDer, she likely will try to isolate you away from your close friends and family members by insisting that you spend nearly all your time with her.

 

Never believed in soulmates until this girl came into my life. [Your 3/29/16 post.]

Perhaps you two do share much in common. If she is a BPDer, however, that feeling of commonality likely is an illusion. Because a BPDer has a fragile self identity, she tends to mirror the personality and preferences of her partner during the courtship period. This is not done to deceive her partner. Rather, it is done because it is the type of behavior she has been doing her entire lifetime. Lacking a strong sense of self, BPDers naturally emulate the personal attributes and preferences of those around them as a way of fitting in and being accepted.

 

How long can I wait for my girlfriend to mature?

If she is a BPDer, you likely would have to wait a lifetime -- to no avail. I am not convinced, however, that you're describing a strong pattern of BPD warning signs. Granted, you are describing many of the signs, as I noted above. You nonetheless have omitted several key traits.

 

You should be seeing, for example, frequent occurrences of black-white thinking if your GF is a BPDer. It would be evident in all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." It also would be evident in the way your GF categorizes everyone in her life as "all good"("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she would be capable of recategorizing someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in less than a minute -- based solely on a minor comment or infraction (real or imagined).

 

You also should be seeing a fear of engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling of being controlled that occurs after a very intimate evening together or after a great weekend spent together. Because a BPDer has a fragile sense of identity and has extremely low personal boundaries, she will get a scary feeling of losing herself into your strong personality during intimacy.

 

That is, she becomes so "enmeshed" with your personality that it becomes difficult for her to know where "she" leaves off and "you" begin. The result is that, with BPDers, you will cycle between being pushed away (due to the engulfment fear) and being pulled back in (due to her abandonment fear). You do not mention any push-pull cycle occurring, however.

 

Although you are not describing some key BPD traits, I nonetheless believe it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join JoseB and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although you can spot strong BPD traits, only a professional can determine whether they are sufficiently severe to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., getting into a toxic R/S with your current GF or running into the arms of another woman just like her. And it may help you decide whether your current situation warrants a professional opinion. Take care, Wait.

[kendahke]

She doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body,

Oh, I beg to differ. Everything you described in your initial post about her is textbook manipulation. Negative people use that negativity to manipulate and it works like a charm. I'm not about to diagnose anyone based on a romance board thread, but what is clear is that what she is doing is being done to effect an outcome in her favor, which is what manipulation is.

 

Originally Posted by Wait

But she literally has every other characteristic that I could ever want for a future wife.

Doesn't matter. You will never be happy with someone who is negative. She will never be brought up to your level of happiness and contentment. That's not how this dynamic works. Negative people such as your girlfriend are what's called an "energy drain" (read the Celestine Prophecy about this dynamic). What will happen is you pouring all of your energy into a black hole, never to return. She will never return confidence, contentment and satisfaction with you or anyone else. She will even suck it out of any children you were to have with her.

 

It's your decision if you want to ignore what most of us are telling you--we won't be the ones finding ourselves 15 years from now in an unbearable marriage with someone who is 15 years more negative than she is today.

 

Do yourself and your happiness a favor and demote her/dump her and find someone whose attitude is more aligned with yours.

Edited February 6, 2017 by kendahke

[Wait]

 

 

This lack of trust presents serious problems. For one thing, it means that she likely will administer an unending series of $h!t tests to make sure you still love her TODAY. But passing a test does not mean that she will feel secure in your love. Rather, it only means she will raise the hoop higher the next time she insists that you jump through. Because a BPDer is filled with self loathing, it is impossible to prove to her that your love is lasting. She lives in fear that, once you eventually realize how empty she is on the inside, your love will evaporate and you will walk away.

 

...

 

You should be seeing, for example, frequent occurrences of black-white thinking if your GF is a BPDer. It would be evident in all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

 

Wow, thank you for the detailed and informative response! Most of what you said definitely struck a chord, but specifically the two points above. I feel as though I'm constantly being tested and it's usually in covert ways that I don't realize until after the fact. Sometimes it's as simple as not having a long enough conversation about each other's day - she'll claim I've become disinterested in her and her life. I try explaining to her that our relationship will not be perfect 100% of the time and some days will be better than others, but if she keeps dwelling on the imperfections, it's only going to perpetuate any issues and even create new issues that could have been avoided.

 

Also, I can't even count how many times I've pleaded with her to stop generalizing when she says "ALWAYS", "NEVER", etc... It's one of the most exhausting things to deal with and it doesn't matter if I point to concrete examples from the day before contrary to her argument.

 

Despite everything discussed in this thread, what hope do people with BPD have if people like me were to just walk out of their lives because it's not convenient for them? If my girlfriend were to become paralyzed, should I then leave her because caring for her would infringe on my "wants" and "needs". Obviously, this is a dramatic example, and perhaps incurable negativity is the one thing that can justify abandoning someone.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Wait

[anuba]

No matter what other amazing traits a person has, nothing makes up for being negative.

And nothing ever changes a negative person into a positive one, except maybe some major, life-altering experience.

 

If you don't take some time out for yourself, you will always regret it. The time that you missed out on haunts you and it will interfere with your happiness no matter who you end up with, you will always be dissatisfied.

[Gaeta]

My girlfriend is sweet, intelligent, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely beautiful -

 

but she's extremely negative and emotional. It feels as though she's constantly complaining about something. From how her coworkers talk too much, to how her meal didn't taste that good out at dinner. It's incessant and it's always little things. As for her emotional side, she cries at least three or four times a week. Anytime we argue, no matter how trivial, she cries because she thinks our relationship is falling apart. She constantly questions how much I love her and she get's jealous of other girls easily.

 

You barely write 1 line about her qualities and then after you write 7 lines of the negative traits. That should be indicative of something to you.

 

Being beautiful is not a quality so she is trustworthy and loyal, seems that is all the positive you could find about her.

 

After a year of this sounds like a good time to give a try to singlehood.

[olivetree]

Wait, I agree with JoseB that you're describing some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That's what it is called here in the States. Yet, because its key feature is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, it is called "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder" throughout Europe and most of the world.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, sulking, lack of impulse control, inability to trust you, self-loathing, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD.

 

{snip}

 

Trying to diagnose people's SO's with personality disorders on an internet forum is just harmful.

 

Take it with a grain of salt OP.

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped quote ~T

[olivetree]

Wow, thank you for the detailed and informative response! Most of what you said definitely struck a chord, but specifically the two points above. I feel as though I'm constantly being tested and it's usually in covert ways that I don't realize until after the fact. Sometimes it's as simple as not having a long enough conversation about each other's day - she'll claim I've become disinterested in her and her life. I try explaining to her that our relationship will not be perfect 100% of the time and some days will be better than others, but if she keeps dwelling on the imperfections, it's only going to perpetuate any issues and even create new issues that could have been avoided.

 

Also, I can't even count how many times I've pleaded with her to stop generalizing when she says "ALWAYS", "NEVER", etc... It's one of the most exhausting things to deal with and it doesn't matter if I point to concrete examples from the day before contrary to her argument.

 

Despite everything discussed in this thread, what hope do people with BPD have if people like me were to just walk out of their lives because it's not convenient for them? If my girlfriend were to become paralyzed, should I then leave her because caring for her would infringe on my "wants" and "needs". Obviously, this is a dramatic example, and perhaps incurable negativity is the one thing that can justify abandoning someone.

 

It doesn't sound like she is testing you.

It just sounds like she is very insecure in relationships.

She is hypervigilant to signs that your relationship is ending.

Sounds like abandonment issues.

 

Saying "always" and "never" is very common.

Speaking in absolutes is inaccurate and not reflective of reality, but almost everyone is guilty of doing this when they are upset or even really excited about someone.

"He is ALWAYS so romantic." --> at the beginning of a relationship

"You NEVER take out the dishes!" --> when **** gets real

 

Not saying these aren't issues you should work on or walk away from (if you so choose) but just that we should be careful to diagnose BPD on here.