Ex is STARING all the time

[Magleaf]

Very long story short, my ex broke up with me after we tried to make it work. one year, too much fighting, trust issues. He said he didn't know what he wanted and if he'd regret it, but he couldn't see us fixing anything since we had tried, and that we'd both be better off apart. We both "need fresh starts" and need "to not talk."

 

Well,....you know what happened. Hot and cold messages from me, lots of them. Blocked on phone and then a couple months later on social media (this was random and not provoked).

 

 

Here, I'm thinking he's probably found the love of his life, so I'm all sad. Then a couple months go by, and I'm not crying, I'm stronger, and turns out he's had a bunch of bad dates on dating apps (one of them was coincidentally my best friend's high school friend who said it was horrible, haha).

 

Anyway, it's been 3.5 months, we haven't really talked (with exception of me reaching out late at night once and him answering over email:confused:) I've done a lot of work on myself, and I see I was quite needy in the relationship and as much as I pegged him for the toxic one, I was also toxic myself. I have to admit...I need more time to myself, but if I eventually found out he did work on himself and he wanted to try again, I'd be in. I really loved him, and he did me.

......Okay, here's the thing.

 

We have two classes together (in graduate school) and I see him all the time. I've kept my distance and not made eye contact. I sort of ignore him and pretend he's not there. I've been told by about five different people (sometimes when it's happening, sometimes after), that he's staring at me "intensely". Freaky. I also seem to see him everywhere, which I'm trying not to read into, since it's a school for goodness sake, but he sits in all the spots he knows are my favorite places to sit and sees me somewhere and the hangs around for a bit. I still don't acknowledge him, but he doesn't come up to me. I saw him watching me from the window while in the quad yesterday. The day before...he followed me up to the cafeteria and then onto the floor where my class was held. He's not exactly trying NOT to bump into me. I thought it was all in my head until other people noticed it and noticed the staring, too.

 

 

 

Why is he doing this? If he doesn't want anything to do with me, then why stare? Why follow and hang around? I know some of you will tell me to ask him, but I don't exactly feel comfortable doing so?

[ExpatInItaly]

If you don't feel comfortable asking him what he wants, then ignore him. I don't see what other option you have, really, if you prefer not to talk to him.

 

Be careful about reading into it. It seems you hope it means something more, while it could also be that since the single life isn't as fun as he expected, he's sniffing around to see if you'll be his back-up.

 

EDIT: This guy, I presume? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/660173-do-dumpers-ever-realize-their-own-mistakes I would definitely not pay any attention to him. This was never going to work out.

Edited September 12, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Magleaf]

ExpatInItaly,

 

You've been really helpful, that may very well be the case!

As for me, I kind of do hope it's him wondering if he's regretting the situation...but I know (from reading on here:p) that that is usually not the case! Who knows.

 

Thank you!!!!

 

Yep, that one

[preraph]

So he wanted to be free and that's all well and good. So now he's free. If he'd been nuts about you, he wouldn't have wanted to be free. He's lukewarm on you emotionally. He also wants regular sex, of course, so this elevates him to being slightly more than lukewarm to you overall. He's still going to be jealous if he sees you with another guy because they all are, even when they don't want you anymore. It's not jealously out of love. It's just they marked their territory and someone else is marking over their mark.

 

Here's the thing: He was bold enough to break up with you to be free, so he can communicate.

 

He knows how to use a phone. You don't need someone who is lukewarm on you because he would always be looking for "the one" while just using you emotionally and for sex in the meantime. It would be doomed.

[ThreeRainbows]

Listen, I just reconciled with my ex. He may have been lukewarm with you, yes, but that doesn't mean he has to stay lukewarm with you.

 

 

 

Love is like an equation. You on one end, your ex on the other. What you need to do is balance the equation by altering stuff on your end. You can't control him. So what do you do? Change yourself for the better. Become the best version of yourself - but not just the external things... those aren't super important (they can help). The internal things. You need to work on becoming more secure emotionally. Work on communication skills - this sounds cliche, but it's so true! Work on building your own foundation of happiness. Then, when you're around him, just be happy.

 

Laugh, be yourself, but be light, free, and happy. Don't be in his face or anything (for the most part let him be, he can always approach you)... just SMILE at him if you catch him staring. SMILE and wave a short wave. That's all. Don't ignore him. If he comes up to chat, keep it light and happy (nothing about the relationship unless he brings it up).

 

 

I've got a lot more tips if you're interested. Here's the best website I found.

 

 

 

https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

 

 

Just like you would do with a guy you're potentially interested in dating for the first time. And, whatever you do, don't sleep with him right of the bat. He needs to see your standards.

 

 

You can get him back, and it sounds like you have a strong chance if he is indeed staring at you. Good luck sweetie!

[Ralph79]

If I understand correctly from your other thread:

 

1. You fell for this guy WHILE you were in another relationship

2. You both bailed on your partners to be with each other.

3. You expressed interest in formalizing the relationship after dating the guy for a few months ... And he turned you down.

4. Forgive me for being blunt but, he apologized and convinced you to just be his F-Buddy for the next few months.

5. Only after he suspected that you were going to date other people did he care to make the relationship "official".

 

This is the TEXTBOOK Wrong way to start a relationship.

 

Taking a wild guess here, because I don't know all your facts , I'd say the guy can't be trusted. He wants you close, but not close enough to let you see what he's really up to. With you around, he has to put up an act. He feels confined because even though you didn't set any limits on what he could do or who he could talk to , he's "handcuffed" with you around that close to him.

 

It was perfect for him while you were just unofficial going out and having fun.

 

Why does he stare at you? For the same exact reason you also glance at him (thus you find out he's starting). There's chemistry and attraction between the two of you, that's an undeniable fact.

 

People have given you great advice already. I don't think there's anything to add other than take advantage of your youth. You are allowed to make emotional mistakes. I really think he's one of them. But hey, you're in school, it's not like you can move out of state to avoid him. Just live and learn I guess.