Do dumpers ever realize their own mistakes??

[Magleaf]

Alright...so here goes. Apologies for the length! ...I'm new at this :/

 

 

1.5 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months. We'd been friends in grad school and fell in love while we were with other people.

After we had both broken up with our respective others (1 year ago this month), we dated until November when I expressed my interest in making things official. We broke up because he "needed time alone to think"....right...

He wrote me a long heartfelt email about how much I mean to him and how he wants to be with me but that he needs to be single and grow up before settling down forever. (?) Well, from November to January, we kept seeing each other and sleeping together..but nothing was official. How stupid. Never do this. It severely drops your value in anyone's eyes.

 

 

In January, he found out through someone else that I was going on a date, and couldn't bear that. He made things official and we dated for almost 6 months.

During this time, I found out he lied about how many people he'd been with while we were apart and a couple of other things. Because of how we began (as an affair), I had an extremely tough time trusting him and we began fighting. I definitely should've either recognized I'd not be able to trust him and left OR tried to trust harder(/better?). Even though he'd apologized and said he'd do anything to regain my trust, I never felt as though this was a big priority and he soon became annoyed with the questioning (I'd try to do it in a constructive way, not attacking). He said he felt "confined" as to who he could talk to. This surprised me since I'd never told him or given any hint to him about anyone he couldn't talk to. I think a big issue was my insecurity that he'd done something.

 

He started pulling away, and finally told me he wasn't happy and we needed to have a "fresh start" and break up. The initial breakup was sort of mutual as we had been fighting a lot and I felt insecure about how he was acting. He cried and told me he should've been better to me. He said he'd been wrestling with the decision to end a toxic relationship at the expense of losing me and that he still loved me very much.

 

The day after the breakup, I told him I wanted to work things out. For about 5 days, we talked about taking a couple days of space to think. He assured me he loved me and wanted to work things out if we both thought and came to the conclusion that things could work. 4 days later, he said he didn't think anything would work and that he'd probably end up feeling like I did (wanting to work things out) but that he needed this.

 

Well....I did everything stupid and needy. Obviously. First time I had gotten broken up with, so I had no idea what to do. I texted and texted until he told me he'd given me all of the courtesies of a breakup and I needed to let this go and stop because it wasn't good for him to keep talking to someone he was trying to get over. He blocked me on imessage.

 

I got it then. I took him off social media (not out of spite, but so that I can't see what he's doing), and started COMPLETE NC. I left his stuff with his front doorman (he still has my stuff but hasn't tried to give it back - I don't need it back) so we wouldn't have to meet face-to-face. I started to "focus on myself" and I think I've made some strides Compared to where I was a month and a half ago, I am a lot better. It's still very fresh.

 

 

 

Aside from fighting at the very end, we had a great relationship. We had fun, liked the same things, shared secrets, and considered each other our closest people. About two weeks before we broke up, he told me he was lucky and that I made him very happy...

 

 

Part of me wants him to wonder or realize that I really treated him well (he said no one else will treat him as well as I did) and tried to bring things up and communicate in a constructive way. When he wasn't interested in communicating, it was extremely frustrating. He told me that he'd be looking for "another me." How's that for ****ing you up. At the time of the breakup, he just kept saying he was scared and confused.

 

 

Why was he so confused?

Maybe he secretly wanted to be single?

Maybe he wasn't ever as "all-in" as I thought?

 

 

Does anyone dump someone and later realize that they messed up because that person treated them well and communication issues could have been solved? It's been a little under a month of NC and I've heard nothing of him. Maybe by the time that EVER happens, I'd be over it. It all just makes me very sad.

 

 

I'm sorry if this is a long jumbled mess. I'm a bit lost. I know many will say "stop focusing on him". I'm prepared for that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, breaking up wasn't a mistake, in his eyes. And I don't think he's actually confused. He knows this isn't what he wants, or he'd be with you now. This relationship has problems straight out of the gate, which were not all down to communication issues.

 

He cheated with you, and you with him. That is a very shaky foundation to start on. Follow that with him wanting time to be single (which makes sense after breaking up with someone, ie. his ex) and only coming back when he heard you were going on a date with someone else. Add in a lot of trust issues, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

 

I think he obviously liked you well enough but could see that this would not work out. He was hesitant from the beginning to get serious with you, and once he did, it crashed and burned. You two rebounded right out of your previous relationships and into this one. Even if said relationships were already dead in the water, people generally need time on their own before diving into another relationship.

 

In my experience, relationships that begin as yours did almost never last. They fizzle out when one or both people realize that an affair is very difficult to develop into an actual relationship.

[Gretchen12]

He said he needs to be single because it wasn't working out with you. If he meets the right person (another woman, or a changed you), he wouldn't want to be single.

 

My take is that you are a difficult woman on a lot of men. You give him stress. You probably have very attractive qualities, and great when things are good. But when there is a problem, you're a in-your-face intense woman. Men can't handle that. They retreat, sometimes in the form of breaking up, for self preservation.

 

He might come back but if there's a personality clash, it won't last, so what's the point? Part of the pain of breaking up is feeling done wrong. For some strong willed people, the dumper coming back means vindication for the dumped. The fact is there is actually no winner.

[basil67]

It was all too intense, too confusing, too messy. Breaking up was the right thing to be do.

 

And don't be hard on yourself for the no strings sex. It didn't drop your value with him - you got to this point because he didn't value you to start with.

[overcome]

Hi,

 

To answer your question about dumping someone and then realizing later it was a mistake...yup. I've done it. My reasons are not important with the exception that the people I have dumped never did anything like cheat on me or verbally abuse me. Then I would not regret my decision.

 

This guy may or may not regret his decision but it doesn't matter. That's the trap your mind puts you in.

 

From your post, he has given you every reason why he can't be in this relationship. When you wanted it to be official and he wasn't sure, it took one date with another guy and he was suddenly interested in being exclusive. Fine. Perhaps he saw you slipping away. Perhaps he was jealous. It's not important.

 

Anyway, this guy doesn't know what he wants. He's "scared and confused" he doesn't "communicate well". He's looking for "another you". I would be saying WTF as well.

 

So you're doing the right thing with NC. It's best for you to move on and find a man who appreciates you, like this guy should have.

 

It hurts and it will for as long as it needs to for you to heal. But to help you heal, you have to let go of the questions. Was he all in? Was he scared? It doesn't matter. If he wanted to be with you then he would be. If he had reservations about being with you (whatever they might be) then he would need to communicate that to you. If he sucks at communicating, then you don't want to be with someone like that.

 

So yes this sucks and yes we've all been there. People will tell you to stop dwelling on this because this chapter of your life is closed. I know you're sad and you want answers but the sooner you realize that you won't get the answers you desire, the sooner you will move on from this, heal, and then find another flame.

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Focus on yourself (I'm sure you are) and let time do it's thing.

[Magleaf]

He said he needs to be single because it wasn't working out with you. If he meets the right person (another woman, or a changed you), he wouldn't want to be single.

 

My take is that you are a difficult woman on a lot of men. You give him stress. You probably have very attractive qualities, and great when things are good. But when there is a problem, you're a in-your-face intense woman. Men can't handle that. They retreat, sometimes in the form of breaking up, for self preservation.

 

He might come back but if there's a personality clash, it won't last, so what's the point? Part of the pain of breaking up is feeling done wrong. For some strong willed people, the dumper coming back means vindication for the dumped. The fact is there is actually no winner.

 

 

I have definitely thought about this - there were absolutely times where I could have brought things up differently! On the whole, though, I really really did my best to talk about things calmly and never "in your face" (like yelling, stomping around, stonewalling). He never really wanted to talk about anything. Maybe I wanted to talk "too much". A lot of the time I'd try "hey, you said something earlier that kind made me upset - can we talk about it?" and instead of being met with a "yeah sure", it was often a "ughhh just chill...it was a joke."

 

I never lied to him or deceived him like he did me and I really do feel I treated him really well - was there for him when he was stressed, would rub his back, pick him up little things here and there, made him feel good about himself.

In the end his exact words were "I know my lying and how I've treated you made you insecure and question me, and I just don't want to have to live with those consequences."A month after saying he was sorry he was an ******* and he'd do whatever he needed to make it up. I forgave, but couldn't trust.

 

That hurt me the most. I probably should have realized this wasn't a particularly great thing.

 

But I am by no means perfect and have lots to work on - perhaps I should have let little things slide more...? I'm not sure.

I appreciate your response - it makes me look deeper.

[Gretchen12]

I have definitely thought about this - there were absolutely times where I could have brought things up differently! On the whole, though, I really really did my best to talk about things calmly and never "in your face" (like yelling, stomping around, stonewalling). He never really wanted to talk about anything. Maybe I wanted to talk "too much". A lot of the time I'd try "hey, you said something earlier that kind made me upset - can we talk about it?" and instead of being met with a "yeah sure", it was often a "ughhh just chill...it was a joke."

 

I never lied to him or deceived him like he did me and I really do feel I treated him really well - was there for him when he was stressed, would rub his back, pick him up little things here and there, made him feel good about himself.

In the end his exact words were "I know my lying and how I've treated you made you insecure and question me, and I just don't want to have to live with those consequences."A month after saying he was sorry he was an ******* and he'd do whatever he needed to make it up. I forgave, but couldn't trust.

 

That hurt me the most. I probably should have realized this wasn't a particularly great thing.

 

But I am by no means perfect and have lots to work on - perhaps I should have let little things slide more...? I'm not sure.

I appreciate your response - it makes me look deeper.

 

You are probably an intense woman and that's not a bad thing. It's a good idea, though, to pick your "battles" wisely. Not even battles, really. Not everything needs to be discussed. When you bring it up, the guy thinks it's a big deal, that you're harassing him but that's his assumption. You need not yell or anything like that. Some men are sensitive and will get defensive if you just ask to talk.

 

However there is a middle ground. Some things about yourself you can fine tune. Other things you leave as is, and find someone who is comfortable with you the way you are. This guy is not a very good match. I suspect he will come back but so what? You can find a more compatible guy.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Gretchen12

[MissBee]

Eh, breaking up wasn't a mistake, in his eyes. And I don't think he's actually confused. He knows this isn't what he wants, or he'd be with you now. This relationship has problems straight out of the gate, which were not all down to communication issues.

 

He cheated with you, and you with him. That is a very shaky foundation to start on. Follow that with him wanting time to be single (which makes sense after breaking up with someone, ie. his ex) and only coming back when he heard you were going on a date with someone else. Add in a lot of trust issues, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

 

I think he obviously liked you well enough but could see that this would not work out. He was hesitant from the beginning to get serious with you, and once he did, it crashed and burned. You two rebounded right out of your previous relationships and into this one. Even if said relationships were already dead in the water, people generally need time on their own before diving into another relationship.

 

In my experience, relationships that begin as yours did almost never last. They fizzle out when one or both people realize that an affair is very difficult to develop into an actual relationship.

 

I agree with this.

 

It's pretty normal after a breakup for people to idealize the relationship and downplay the issues, but your own spells out a lot of issues around trust, you guys already broke up before, he said he wanted to be single and wasn't ready to settle down, you got back together, he had lied, it started as an affair etc. This all speaks to the fact that stuff was rocky from the start and not really how you later are making it seem like it was all great except for a minor issue.

 

It's all fresh so trust me, it's normal to minimize, to have hope, to want the person back or to hope it was all a terrible mistake. These are the classic breakup feelings. However, most dumpers aren't making a mistake or confused. I think he was pretty clear that he's trying to move on and although difficult, you should focus on that too and tell yourself that if it's meant to be, with some time and clarity you two will mutually want to revisit it, but until then keep NC and keep moving forward.

[Magleaf]

It was all too intense, too confusing, too messy. Breaking up was the right thing to be do.

 

And don't be hard on yourself for the no strings sex. It didn't drop your value with him - you got to this point because he didn't value you to start with.

 

 

It's been hard for me to come to terms with this, but you're right.

In hindsight, I should have insisted on being alone. He had wanted to be alone, but then would always contact me a couple days later and tell me he was confused and wanted to be with me. Then he wanted to be exclusive. But he was messaging other women for dates and sexually flirting with them.

Why didn't I leave then? How stupid.

Over the holidays, the first time we broke off from dating, he wanted to see other people and me at the same time ... so that we could "get there together with patience and time." But lied that he wasn't seeing anyone else.

During that time (the first breakup) in a conversation where I asked if it was because he wanted to be with other people?...he replied, "I'd rather have you and have that option."

 

Why didn't I leave then? Nope. It took him breaking up with me because he said leaving was easier than building trust. This is embarrassing for me and I feel I've let myself down. I deserve better. I guess this is a lesson I needed.

[Magleaf]

Hi,

 

To answer your question about dumping someone and then realizing later it was a mistake...yup. I've done it. My reasons are not important with the exception that the people I have dumped never did anything like cheat on me or verbally abuse me. Then I would not regret my decision.

 

This guy may or may not regret his decision but it doesn't matter. That's the trap your mind puts you in.

 

From your post, he has given you every reason why he can't be in this relationship. When you wanted it to be official and he wasn't sure, it took one date with another guy and he was suddenly interested in being exclusive. Fine. Perhaps he saw you slipping away. Perhaps he was jealous. It's not important.

 

Anyway, this guy doesn't know what he wants. He's "scared and confused" he doesn't "communicate well". He's looking for "another you". I would be saying WTF as well.

 

So you're doing the right thing with NC. It's best for you to move on and find a man who appreciates you, like this guy should have.

 

It hurts and it will for as long as it needs to for you to heal. But to help you heal, you have to let go of the questions. Was he all in? Was he scared? It doesn't matter. If he wanted to be with you then he would be. If he had reservations about being with you (whatever they might be) then he would need to communicate that to you. If he sucks at communicating, then you don't want to be with someone like that.

 

So yes this sucks and yes we've all been there. People will tell you to stop dwelling on this because this chapter of your life is closed. I know you're sad and you want answers but the sooner you realize that you won't get the answers you desire, the sooner you will move on from this, heal, and then find another flame.

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Focus on yourself (I'm sure you are) and let time do it's thing.

 

 

Thanks, Overcome. Some things are getting a lot clearer, but a lot of things I guess just don't matter. There were a lot of red flags - mostly that I was dying inside every single day while it was an affair and couldn't sleep with my partner because of the guilt...while it didn't seem to bother him.

After we both broke up with our respective others, he told me we should take time but that I shouldn't fall in love with anyone else. Believe me, taking time didn't have much to do with him wanting to grow as a person as much as it was a desire to sow his wild oats. Which is fine, but when when I've actually loved someone...having sex with other people isn't really a desire.

 

any how...valued? yeah. probably not a whole lot. Maybe the fact he was telling me "you're my dream girl/it/the one for me/I love you" was confusing.

 

it is SO TRUE that you need to look for ACTIONS. not words. they never meant anything.

[overcome]

We ALL make these mistakes. It's part of life and part of being human. Learn from it and that's all you can do. Being hard on yourself will not help. You've done enough of that.

 

It's time to start healing. Time to stop thinking about him. Time to move on.

 

The sooner you start, the sooner you will be a better place.

[Magleaf]

I've been good with no contact this whole time, and I'm very proud of that. It's really, really, really hard.

 

He has not tried to get in touch or reach out to me at all, which has made it easier. I can't imagine if the dumper tried to get in touch all the time.

 

Here is the thing.....I am nervous about the fall.....

 

We are set to take two classes together, and I will be dropping one of them (I'm NOT letting this affect my school life, I just really wasn't sure about that class to begin with so dropping it was a good idea). The other is a smaller class and it is a class needed for graduation. I absolutely cannot switch into another section....I checked.

 

It seems most people on here don't have to see their exes if they don't want to.

How do I continue to see him in class and around campus and stay strong? I'm hoping another month before class begins will make me stronger, but as of right now, afraid I'll break down.

 

How do dumpers usually act in these cases? Do they understand to leave you alone?

[Gretchen12]

Right, so the biggest danger is that he'll show signs of interest (real or imagined), you might catch him looking at you, etc. Then you start to think there's possibility of reconciliation, only to end up hurt again.

 

Or maybe it'll turned out as what happened with me: when I was younger like your age, I had a very difficult break up. I felt I loved him. I was a wreck. After months of NC, I ran into him, he asked if I wanted to get together, I said ok. He even said I have changed, said how great I was and he wanted to be with me again.

 

And then at one moment, as I sat across from him, looking at him, I thought to myself "I have zero attraction to this guy. Actually, he's kind of ... ugly."

[Magleaf]

Gretchen12 - that is hilarious!! I actually don't find him as attractive anymore.

 

 

So I have a question for ya'll.

I've been doing GREAT with no contact except for one email before class started (roughly a month ago) in which I told him there was no anger and I'd like to be cordial once school started. This really calmed my nerves. He answered saying that would be fine and he hoped I had a good summer as well. No contact besides that.

 

He has a whole new group of friends - all girls and they're known for not being very nice, but that's besides the point!

I've seen him a couple times in class and on elevators, and I am polite but never talk to him, and avert my eyes for the most part. I don't think we've really had eye contact.

 

 

Basically:

The question I have is about how he's been acting in one of my classes...he sits three rows up from me and frequently turns around and stares at me....I can see this out of the corner of my eye and it has been happening more and more. My friends sit by me and have all told me that they've seen this happen. Today, one of my friends caught him hard core staring, and had to stare at him to make him stop. This is making me uncomfortable since it's not a "longing" stare or an "anger" stare, but something else entirely. He used to stare intensely during our first year of classes and I remember it made me uncomfortable.

 

As an aside:

Over the summer, I stumbled upon someone who described the exact behaviors and experiences I'd gone through in my relationship (i.e. the intense jealousy, gaslighting, obsessing over perfection, verbal abuse, belittling, the total idealization followed by devaluation and discard in all relationships, etc.). Her boyfriend had been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I don't believe it is ever right to assume and certainly can NOT diagnose anyone (that's what doctors are for). It was just astonishing to read about - my mouth fell open a lot as it was just eerily similar.

 

I wonder if the staring has anything to do with that.

ANYWAY WHAT IS UP WITH THE STARING? Is he trying to intimidate me?? If he is, do I keep ignoring it until he stops? It's honestly freaking me out...

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, just ask him after class what's up.

 

You might be reading all kinds of things into it. He sounds weird and he's trying to get under your skin. If you don't like it, tell him to stop.