6 Years of Dating and Feeling Distant Now...

[zivo]

I have been dating a girl for around 6 years now and slowly I have been finding myself getting more distant. She has been low key pressuring for marriage, babies, and moving in together and instead of looking forward to those things I'm definitely not. I'm approaching my 30's and shes in her middle 20s.

 

I am not just randomly feeling more distant, to me its mostly based on her behavior and attitude towards me. I'm not sure when it started, maybe 6 months or to a year ago, but she has been alot more boring during sex, complaining about pain, not liking to get bit / being rough (she used to let me pull her hair, spank her, bite, etc , but now it all is painful apparently to her). She has stopped giving me head as often, now its around a few times a month, when it used to be a lot more frequent and seemed like she enjoyed it a lot more. Every time I ask for it now she acts like its the biggest chore in the world and you can tell she would rather be doing anything else. I've basically stopped asking now completely because its a big turn off for me if shes not into it, and shes just doing it to get it over with. She also gets a lot more aggressive if we have a disagreement on things so not all of it is just sexual issues.

 

Anyways it really seems like she is getting a lot more comfortable with me now and is trying to switch things around on me or perhaps just getting lazy, low sex drive, or even tired of me herself? I really don't know but whatever she is doing or thinking, its making me a lot more distant from her.

 

Is this normal? Do all relationships after 6 years or so start to fizzle and get like this? Is this proof that we aren't meant for each other or should I try to continue to deal with it? Also we have had discussions about her being boring in sex, and she has even said sorry I was being boring a few times. And I usually reply with its fine, but obviously it gets old when she apologizes like that and says that. My personal opinion is that she is bored with me, but still continues to be in the relationship because to her being married, security, and having children is more important to her. So I'm kinda lost, and wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and if they chose to work through things, and are happy with their decision now? Are there any questions I should be asking myself to decide what to do?

[d0nnivain]

After 6 years she's pissed that you aren't moving toward marriage & she is making things worse with her behavior. If you two can't fix this in short order, just end it.

[FMW]

She's giving less and is less in to you because she doesn't see it going anywhere when after 6 years you have no interest in marriage and babies.

 

Your goals and needs are not compatible. My guess is one of you will walk away soon and it will be for the best. You will both be free to find better suited partners.

[BaileyB]

Dude. It's been six years. At your age, and after six years, for most people it's time to get married and have babies.

 

I would be getting bored with you too if I had invested six years of my life with you and there were no plans for the future. I would be very unhappy if you said "I'm definitely not looking forward to getting married and having kids with you. BTW, why won't you give me more head..." I think the answer is pretty clear. She's not bored with you, she is frustrated with you.

 

You know she wants to get married and have a family, if this is not in your plans then you need to end the relationship. To do anything else is cruel to her. Let her find someone who wants what she wants, when she is still young enough to have it.

Edited September 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

She's fed up with you. She wants to progress this relationship and you don't.

 

It follows that she is no longer in the mood to have sex, OP. Do you really not see the connection there?

[Zapbasket]

I'll echo what has already been said.

 

Relationships need to have a sense of purpose and progression towards shared relationship goals. Good communication, fighting fairly, and negotiating compassionately help maintain these things.

 

She wants marriage and children and she has lost interest in having sex with you because you seem to have no interest in building a life with her that contains those things. You're just coasting, and she feel it, and resents it.

 

You have some decisions to make, and you need to make them soon: Do you want marriage and children? Do you want them with HER? If you don't want a traditional marriage and children, what relationship progression DO you want? (Note that just stagnating through a relationship year after year is NOT an option--it doesn't serve you because it keeps you from making important life decisions, not just in the relationship realm but everything else, too.) Would you want to propose that non-traditional progression to your current gf and see if she'd be on board with that?

 

Bottom line is, if you don't want a future with her, you need to end this relationship...yesterday. It's the only fair thing to do; six years of someone's time is already enough time wasted.

[Redhead14]

Maybe she's tired of being strung along. Actually, she's been stringing herself along. Of course, she's bored -- there isn't anything to look forward to with you. She's nothing more than a convenience to you sexually. You don't want to invest in a real relationship but it's easier to keep her around for sex than to find someone else.

 

shes just doing it to get it over with. - Perhaps, she really never enjoyed all that but tolerated it because she wanted to please you and was negating her own needs for a more intimate/close experience that was loving and more mutual. A person can't maintain that for a long time. She's been a trooper, I'd say.

 

Sorry, but you should do her the favor of ending things because you can't/won't give her what she wants/needs. You two don't have common life goals. Here's the sugarcoated response: It's not her, it's YOU.

Edited September 8, 2018 by Redhead14

[bene]

I’ll echo what many others have said - she is frustrated with the relationship going nowhere and she’s not motivated to please you anymore.

 

It would be fair to let each other go. If she wants to get married and have kids, she has no business being in some kind of relationship limbo for years with a guy who is “definitely not” looking for these things. In that light she might find the roughness in bed demeaning and not playful.

 

It’s not a matter of who is right but you’re wasting each other’s time while it’s already clear that you don’t see the future the same way. Have you at least shared your view with her that it’s not going to happen and not stringing her along?

[zivo]

I'll echo what has already been said.

 

Relationships need to have a sense of purpose and progression towards shared relationship goals. Good communication, fighting fairly, and negotiating compassionately help maintain these things.

 

She wants marriage and children and she has lost interest in having sex with you because you seem to have no interest in building a life with her that contains those things. You're just coasting, and she feel it, and resents it.

 

You have some decisions to make, and you need to make them soon: Do you want marriage and children? Do you want them with HER? If you don't want a traditional marriage and children, what relationship progression DO you want? (Note that just stagnating through a relationship year after year is NOT an option--it doesn't serve you because it keeps you from making important life decisions, not just in the relationship realm but everything else, too.) Would you want to propose that non-traditional progression to your current gf and see if she'd be on board with that?

 

Bottom line is, if you don't want a future with her, you need to end this relationship...yesterday. It's the only fair thing to do; six years of someone's time is already enough time wasted.

 

That's interesting, I have never heard anyone talk about relationship progression being vital. I have been just coasting for the past few years and don't think we went anywhere farther, but I also didn't really think of it being negative.

 

Part of me also doesn't want to give in and be married / have babies only to progress the relationship either. There should be love and desire, just as much even before marriage. I don't really believe someone should love you more afterwards and that seems like a red flag to me.

 

Also I definitely do want babies in my future, but I still feel rather young and would want to wait till I'm in my mid 30's ( but she feels her clock ticking already at her mid 20s which are right now.)

[d0nnivain]

You said it yourself, you are coasting. She wants marriage & babies. You don't that right now & she knows it. It annoys her so she is less in the mood. Women need to feel loved to have sex. She doesn't feel loved so you get less sex. Men need sex to feel loved. You aren't getting sex so you feel even less inclined to go forward.

 

Get out of this relationship if you aren't going to get engaged this year.

[bene]

That's interesting, I have never heard anyone talk about relationship progression being vital. I have been just coasting for the past few years and don't think we went anywhere farther, but I also didn't really think of it being negative.

 

Part of me also doesn't want to give in and be married / have babies only to progress the relationship either. There should be love and desire, just as much even before marriage. I don't really believe someone should love you more afterwards and that seems like a red flag to me.

 

Also I definitely do want babies in my future, but I still feel rather young and would want to wait till I'm in my mid 30's ( but she feels her clock ticking already at her mid 20s which are right now.)

 

I think many women feel the need for progression and common goals to look forward to. It doesn’t always have to be something material but rather the sense of going to the same direction. She’s clearly not feeling it.

 

If you are really honest - do you see yourself having kids and starting a family with her? Or is it a mental image that someday you will have a wife and kids and it’s all completely unrelated to the life you’re living now? I wouldn’t say this if you would have been dating for a year or two but six years is a lot of time to get to know each other and know she is he woman you see yourself with.

 

Not many women in their prime fertile years want to be the stepping stone before the guy finds a woman he really wants. I think it’s time to be honest with her.

[Zapbasket]

That's interesting, I have never heard anyone talk about relationship progression being vital. I have been just coasting for the past few years and don't think we went anywhere farther, but I also didn't really think of it being negative.

 

Part of me also doesn't want to give in and be married / have babies only to progress the relationship either. There should be love and desire, just as much even before marriage. I don't really believe someone should love you more afterwards and that seems like a red flag to me.

 

Also I definitely do want babies in my future, but I still feel rather young and would want to wait till I'm in my mid 30's ( but she feels her clock ticking already at her mid 20s which are right now.)

 

Progression in all aspects of life is vital. Which is why so many people in the developed world are unhappy--they've lost their nerve, the courage to define a purpose for their lives and then move towards it step by step, decisively. Or the courage to change purpose. Coasting is for cowards.

 

It's not that she'll love you more if you agree to marry her and raise children with her. She obviously must love you or she'd be content to coast along with you. She wants marriage and children and she wants them with YOU, and she's pulling away because you're not giving her the sense that those feelings are reciprocal.

 

Progression in a relationship doesn't have to mean marriage and kids. It can mean working like mad for five years and then both quitting your jobs to travel the world together for three years. It can mean anything available to the imagination--the key thing is, both people have to be on board; it has to be a goal that means something, that fulfills a sense of purpose, for BOTH of them.

 

You need to sit down for your gf for a long talk. It does take courage to do this, because when two people are really honest about what they want, and are willing to do what it takes to get it, it can mean losing someone you care about, having to find a new place to live--everything gets topsy-turvy for a while. But the payoff is that you can move FORWARD with a clear sense of purpose and the freedom to pursue that purpose. That's what differentiates a real man (and woman) from a chump. Drifters and coasters are like La Brea tar pits for the people who love them.

 

Respect yourself, respect her, and be honest with yourself and with her. It's past time.

[mortensorchid]

Guy, it's been 6 years. It's time to take it to the next level. We have an expectation that relationships are supposed to be passionate and hot and exciting at ALL TIMES. This is because our impression of things has been very much shaped by Hollywood movies, TV shows, and books. What you are seeing in them is not love or an LTR, that's infatuation. And infatuation is going to wear off after a bit.

 

Now ask yourself something - do you like this person? Not love, but like them? Because if you don't, you're in trouble. Because you're stuck with a person you don't even like.

 

You've been together for 6 years now - has the sex ALWAYS been great? Chances are it's not always. Chances are it's hit and miss like it is at all times. As to her recent behavior? She's not giving it her all because she's frustrated with you. Is she TELLING you or DEMANDING that you make a commitment to her? If so, you drop her like a hot potato. This's only the beginning of her demands and you will end up her neutered lap dog. This has to be your decision to take it to the next level. And … You have to make this decision. Fish or cut bait?

 

If you cut bait, your reaction as the man will be this, be forewarned: You will be very happy, dare I say high, that you have freed yourself from this woman. You will be free of the burdens and demands and say that you are going to get another girlfriend. And your girlfriend will be sad, devastated and will cry hysterically that you would be so ignorant and self centered to do something so horrible to her after all these years you have spent together. Then about 6-9 months these rolls will reverse - you will be depressed and regretful that you let a wonderful woman like her go and she will be happy to be rid of you.

 

Facts.

[smackie9]

No one is saying your point of view about relationships is bad or wrong, but neither is hers to want things to progress to marriage and having a family. Lets be real here, you are not with her on this. The best thing to do is have that conversation, that you both want different things, and this is not going to work.

 

 

They say if you don't have any feelings to get married and have kids, you are with the wrong person. She doesn't do it for you, and now she's some crazy b^&%$ nagging at you. End it.

[MidwestUSA]

It appears that this is the girl who broke up with you in 2014. And you got back together, correct?

 

Yet in 2016, you were here asking for tips on pursuing women, and it's clear you were dating.

 

What gives? Six years is a LONG time, and I echo the others in saying you need to step up, or end it. Not only is your relationship not progressing, it seems to be dysfunctional as well. Face it, you've never been all in.

 

Is she a highly dependent person? Because I can't see why she hasn't pulled the plug herself.

 

Let her go, and find someone who loves giving BJs.

[damni]

She most likely has pulled away sexually etc because why should she make the effort with a man who has made NO commitment in 6 years?

 

Surely you should least be living together at this point? you are right to question this relationship as maybe you are both just settling at this point.

[SevenCity]

No one is saying your point of view about relationships is bad or wrong, but neither is hers to want things to progress to marriage and having a family. Lets be real here, you are not with her on this. The best thing to do is have that conversation, that you both want different things, and this is not going to work.

 

 

They say if you don't have any feelings to get married and have kids, you are with the wrong person. She doesn't do it for you, and now she's some crazy b^&%$ nagging at you. End it.

 

Actually, I think EVERYONE is saying he is wrong (step up, stop wasting her time, etc).

 

Society has programmed women to expect marriage after a period of time when dating. Nothing you can do to fight this.

 

My recommendation would be to get her a ring (if you don’t want to lose her) to buy yourself some extra time to decide if she is the right one for you.

 

From what you have posted, it does seem like she’s in it for marriage/kids/security rather than you.

 

Lack of interest in sex (I.e. pleasing your partner) is a sign of disinterest so you are right to be concerned.

 

Marriage for a man is a very risky proposition. You are basically giving up all your options and taking a huge financial risk. It’s no wonder much fewer men are demanding it of women. Last thing you want is to be broken financially with child support and alimony payments.

 

Think carefully with this one but realize that most women will get to the point she is at eventually.

 

You are in your prime now so factor that in - you should have several other women wanting to get with you - more so than 10 years from now.

[BaileyB]

Part of me also doesn't want to give in and be married / have babies only to progress the relationship either.

 

No, you definitely shouldn't "give in" and get married / have babies. You should only do these things if you WANT to do them. If you see marriage and having children as "giving in" - that is a problem. "Giving in" and making major life decisions that you don't want to make will only lead to unhappiness and resentment in the future.

 

No woman wants to "trap" a man into a marriage that he does not want. We are all merely saying that if you do not see the relationship progressing in this way, you should let this woman go so that she can find a man who has similar interests and life goals.

 

There should be love and desire, just as much even before marriage. I don't really believe someone should love you more afterwards and that seems like a red flag to me.

 

You have love and desire with this woman, or at least you "had" it. Here's the thing - she is tired of giving when she is not getting what she wants from you in return. Can you really blame her? This comment is a rather selfish view of the relationship and shows little insight into how she is thinking and feeling. Having read the responses in this discussion, I would think that you would be beginning to understand why she is not as much of an enthusiastic sexual partner these days... and perhaps, you wouldn't hold that against her. Like the previous poster, I think she has been a trouper and she has done well to last this long too...

Edited September 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

My recommendation would be to get her a ring (if you don’t want to lose her) to buy yourself some extra time to decide if she is the right one for you.

 

OP, please do not do this.

 

Buy her a ring only if you have already decided she is the one you would like to marry.

[Redhead14]

OP, please do not do this.

 

Buy her a ring only if you have already decided she is the one you would like to marry.

 

 

He's had 6 years to "test drive" her. She needs to take the keys away.

[preraph]

I think she's figured out that all you're mainly interested in is sex, not a relationship.

 

Of course, sex ceases to be exciting after awhile. Especially if you're always being asked to give head. She was probably overall more enthused in the beginning, as most people are, and more willing to do things, but it is very rare a woman actually physically enjoys giving head, and you may as well just accept that. The only woman I ever talked to who said she liked it, it was because she felt it was the only time she had power over her boyfriend, which is a sorry reason. Some women are more neutral toward it, but a lot of them would not miss it a bit if they never did it again.

 

She figured out she's wasting her time here and just serving you sexually, and she's over it. So if you have no desire to marry and have a family, break up with her and tell her it's you, not her, and let her find someone new. You've been together way too long not to marry her, and I can't believe you haven't been honest with her about it and are blaming her. She has a right to know you don't want to commit and make a life with her as a family.

[Zapbasket]

I know we're coming down hard on you, OP, but I think this forum would come down equally hard on your girlfriend, were she the one posting.

 

If she wants marriage and family now, or in the near future, then she needs to put it to you point-blank and force an answer from you at this point. And then if what you tell her is not what she wants to hear, she needs to get off her azz and end this herself.

 

But since it's you posting here, choose to be the adult, is what I think we're all saying. Be honest with yourself, be honest with her, and have courage to shoulder whatever results knowing any result from honesty is the best way forward, because it's actually FORWARD and not stuck in a swamp of building resentments and indecision, which is what your relationship is rapidly becoming.

 

Remember it serves YOU, too. It's okay to want to sow more wild oats before settling down, just be forthright about it (and please, always use protection!).

Edited September 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Larry56]

It's OK. She's only 25 - let her go and find another girl who is 20. There will be tons on tinder. But you might have to go through a big process of filtering them out/dates all that stuff but if you don't see yourself raising kids with this lady then its time to get out. I don't see a problem with it.

 

If you cut bait, your reaction as the man will be this, be forewarned: You will be very happy, dare I say high, that you have freed yourself from this woman. You will be free of the burdens and demands and say that you are going to get another girlfriend. And your girlfriend will be sad, devastated and will cry hysterically that you would be so ignorant and self centered to do something so horrible to her after all these years you have spent together. Then about 6-9 months these rolls will reverse - you will be depressed and regretful that you let a wonderful woman like her go and she will be happy to be rid of you.

 

Facts.

 

Nah,

 

He'll probably be able to get with another younger hotter woman who can give him head and treat him better than the current girlfriend is.

 

Facts.