Maybe never having children

[d0nnivain]

BlueBell

 

I could have written your post. I was also caring for aging parents after my long term relationship fell apart & while I was looking for Mr. Right.

 

My parents like to go to their club on Friday nights because it was low key. I had to drive them so I wasn't really available to date on Fridays. My solution was to bring the new BF along to the club. He actually liked the club so much he joined. Even if you are just having dinner at mom & dad's house at some point it's OK to bring him along.

[JuneL]

BlueBell

 

I could have written your post. I was also caring for aging parents after my long term relationship fell apart & while I was looking for Mr. Right.

 

My parents like to go to their club on Friday nights because it was low key. I had to drive them so I wasn't really available to date on Fridays. My solution was to bring the new BF along to the club. He actually liked the club so much he joined. Even if you are just having dinner at mom & dad's house at some point it's OK to bring him along.

 

I bet you didn’t go looking for your unicorn with the ulterior motive of having kids, right?

[d0nnivain]

I bet you didn’t go looking for your unicorn with the ulterior motive of having kids, right?

 

I was 38 when I started my search for a husband. I was never one chomping at the bit to be a mom. If I had gotten pregnant that would have been OK but it wasn't the driving force in my life. When it came down to it, I decided against IVF

 

The OP here wants to be a mom If that is her goal, she needs to take steps to achieve it. There are many ways to be a mom: give birth with or without benefit of a husband in the picture; marry somebody with kids; or adopt. My point is if she wants kids she better stop crying boo hoo hoo whoa is me & take action.

[BluBell]

I was 38 when I started my search for a husband. I was never one chomping at the bit to be a mom. If I had gotten pregnant that would have been OK but it wasn't the driving force in my life. When it came down to it, I decided against IVF

 

The OP here wants to be a mom If that is her goal, she needs to take steps to achieve it. There are many ways to be a mom: give birth with or without benefit of a husband in the picture; marry somebody with kids; or adopt. My point is if she wants kids she better stop crying boo hoo hoo whoa is me & take action.

 

Wow. Well, my parents don't go out to a cute club on Friday nights. That sounds nice. When I say I have to take care of them, it isn't something as simple as driving them to the grocery store. My issues are much more severe than that unfortunately.

 

But glad to hear things worked out well for you, just the way you wanted it to.

[d0nnivain]

BluBell

 

Perhaps you need to look into respite care. I am trying to help here. My parents needed more care then an occasional ride. That was one example of how I blended my search for love with my obligations to them. I was trying to be optimistic to help.

 

You know what, I will just stop now. It's obvious that you simply want to be a martyr about the whole thing rather than even try making constructive changes.

[JuneL]

BluBell

 

Perhaps you need to look into respite care. I am trying to help here. My parents needed more care then an occasional ride. That was one example of how I blended my search for love with my obligations to them. I was trying to be optimistic to help.

 

You know what, I will just stop now. It's obvious that you simply want to be a martyr about the whole thing rather than even try making constructive changes.

 

You are just insensitive like her co-worker, bragging about how you managed to meet your unicorn at 38 while your parents were well enough to attend this cute little club.

[d0nnivain]

You are just insensitive like her co-worker, bragging about how you managed to meet your unicorn at 38 while your parents were well enough to attend this cute little club.

 

I'm sorry you found it insensitive. This is why I hate message boards. I was trying to be encouraging. . . showing that things are possible. I juggled a lot & was trying to offer positive suggestions. What was I supposed to do, tell the OP that life passed her by & she should stop trying?

 

Clearly the OP is a kind soul who has a lot of love to give. She should not give up even if she or you don't care to listen to me.

 

As for the club, when I went with my parents at the end, we took the home health aide & lots of medical equipment. It required a team effort to get my mom out of the house & into the car; then into dinner where we'd cut her food & help her to the bathroom (great challenge in public), then back home. I did all that so that my mother would not feel isolated. I really felt that being around people, her old friends many of whom could not or would not travel to her, helped lift her spirits & kept some of the isolation & depression to a minimum.

 

I remain convinced that people prioritize what is important to them. Having the life you want takes effort. It doesn't just fall into your lap.

[BluBell]

I'm sorry you found it insensitive. This is why I hate message boards. I was trying to be encouraging. . . showing that things are possible. I juggled a lot & was trying to offer positive suggestions. What was I supposed to do, tell the OP that life passed her by & she should stop trying?

 

Clearly the OP is a kind soul who has a lot of love to give. She should not give up even if she or you don't care to listen to me.

 

As for the club, when I went with my parents at the end, we took the home health aide & lots of medical equipment. It required a team effort to get my mom out of the house & into the car; then into dinner where we'd cut her food & help her to the bathroom (great challenge in public), then back home. I did all that so that my mother would not feel isolated. I really felt that being around people, her old friends many of whom could not or would not travel to her, helped lift her spirits & kept some of the isolation & depression to a minimum.

 

I remain convinced that people prioritize what is important to them. Having the life you want takes effort. It doesn't just fall into your lap.

 

I appreciate your advice and the good intent.

I don't think anyone here can solve my problems. I have tried to fix my own problems. They are not small issues. I am not a person who sits around and complains about things. I simply was looking for moral support and an anonymous place to talk about the things I literally have no one else in my real life to talk to.

 

I may never have children, I may wind up adopting 4, or I may find Mr. Right next month and live happily ever after, I may need to take care of my parents for the next 15 years, or they may both die before I turn 40. They might lose everything they own this year. There are a lot of things out of my control, I can do certain things to handle situations better...I think I handle most things as well as I possibly can.

[d0nnivain]

I do hope you figure it out. Best wishes.

[Leigh 87]

I am infertile and feel your pain.

 

The grief is unrelenting and I feel it every day. It feels as heavy as losing someone close to me.

 

I have the great Fiance, right career path, I want for nothing really except more financial security and more overseas travel would be nice too. But of course - having a family with him is something I just "know" would bring my more joy than any amount of travel or great shiny new things could ever provide.

 

I believe/have always held close to the notion that parents are not granted an automatic ticket to happiness. Parent's do not walk around in an elated state of contentment and happiness when compared to non parents.

 

Parents feel higher highs and lower lows I believe - as a non parents, I do believe that there is no chance that anything will feel as strong or intense or joyful as holding your own child/having your own child 0 but parents do not feel elated and that heightened sense of joy ALL of the time, it is not possible to walk around buzzing with all those happy hormones!

 

It is like true love. You fall head over heels and no matter how in love you stay - nothing will sustain the new feeling after you FIRST meet! People without true love miss out sure, there are some very happy times between a true love matched pair - but they are not buzzing with happy hormones 24/7 and neither are parents....

 

Remember that many mothers do not even bond with their babies at all, or it can take months - not all mothers believe that oh I had no idea what LOVE was until kids:sick: So do not let the smug parents out there remind you how much you are missing because I can tell you already know; while I cannot help with that feeling, I can commiserate and remind you that we are every bit as capable of feeling as happy as parents feel, we just miss out on the high highs they occasionally get.

 

Personally, I have not yet moved on from the grief period yet of facing a life without my own children but I am happy a lot of the time and believe I will likely hit a wall when I am 43 - 45 - past the age of conception being physically possible.

 

Jody Day has a lovely community about being childless not by choice. She laments on the annoying crap us involuntary childless women have to ensure (filling out medical forms where you state 0 kids, only to be asked by the medical examiner whether you have kids - then asked why not/ or offered a trite remark like oh, it isn't for everyone:sick: )

 

Sending good vibes. I drunk a bottle of wine last night and cried in despair so I am clearly not fairing too well but can say I am happy most of the time!

[Leigh 87]

I have a masters' degree and will likely be paying off student loans for the rest of my life, so going back to school isn't in the cards for me. I'll work on getting that high-paying job, though. Thanks.

 

Here is the thing...

 

If I wasn't infertile - you can bet your bottom dollar that I would walk right to the closest (best reputation one of course) IVF clinic and have a child alone IF I was single yet fertile.

 

I do not believe it is selfish but that is just me -you do not need all your damn loans paid off, you only need a decent full time job and a loving heart and to not have any severe mental health issues that could impede a child's optimal development.

 

Basically - you are 35, if you feel as strongly as I feel about my need to be a mother (I feel that I am MADE to be a mum) - then you will do anything. It is not like you are poor or en/ under employed.

 

You have your fertility and a good job - student loans and not being super well off are things you have plenty of time to fix - having a child, you have five years at most to have.......

 

Stop putting off a dream for crap that you can sort out later - and you are already well on your way towards being in a better financial position, you have graduated and have a good job....

 

I am saying this as an infertile woman who had her choice taken away from her - as long as I had a decent job - I would go right ahead and conceive my child on my own if I had to, if I only I had the luxury you do (working ovaries!)

 

I think it is preposterous that women who are single should miss out on the joy of motherhood - it is a lifelong acute grief that NEVER gets better - you learn to feel moments of joy sure, but you know deep down that it is NEVER as good as it would have been had you had your own child. Why should single ladies who have jobs and can afford IVF be made to "go without" as some ethical marker of human decency?

 

Kids do fine with one loving mother who works full time and showers them with love - they are not all paedophiles/stupid/disadvantaged.

 

Plenty of fathers leave/end up abusive/end up terrible dads:sick:

 

I have seen same sex ladies raise wonderful children with NO issues.

 

Please do not think you HAVE to miss out on the joy of having a child - you nay just get to an age of no return where you wish you tried while you had the chance.

[stillafool]

 

OP my message is just to go for it, but at the same time, learn to find peace with the possibility that it may not happen. Think of the possibility of becoming a great stepmother to someone's child like Gabrielle Union or consider volunteering with kids...which is really cool because you can hand them back to the parents when you're done and avoid all the harder work

 

.

 

Gabrielle Union is practically despondent over not being able to have her own baby. I just saw something on TV a couple of weeks ago about her fertility struggle. Apparently being extremely wealthy doesn't help in this case.

[Leigh 87]

Do you think she’s emotionally stable enough to be a parent, if she can be so dramatic?

 

Some people’s picture of having kids seems to be baking cookies or playing games. I hope they are also prepared to be there for life if their kids are born with a serious physical or mental condition. Having kids is extremely serious business; it’s not something to fulfill your own needs.

 

So us interfiles are emotionally unstable for never recovering from the grief that comes with involuntary childlessness

 

Losing the ability to perform a basic function that over 90% of women can do naturally - and lose out on what you know would be the biggest joy of your life - is no light matter. It plagues even the most upbeat, positive, happy and mentally sound women who are infertile and do not have the calling to adopt or use a surrogate.

 

No one is saying that kids are all baking cookies and "every smile is a miracle" crap. I personally know parents experience chronic sleep deprivation, constant worry about a little person they care about more than themselves, kids can be born with severe disabilities, mothers do not ALL get the loving hormones towards their kids either, it is not all sunshine and rainbows...

 

Yet many women DO have a very inbuilt knowing, an instinct, that having their own child would have been the most important experience of their lives; they WANT the no sleep, worrying sick over a baby with a stomach upset, staying up late at night worrying. Most parents purport that despite the dreadful worries and low lows of parenthood - that they do not regret their children for a moment and experience far greater degrees of joy than they did post children - despite the less than fun components of parenting.

 

Having a child is something that many women simply want. Not being able to have it IS an absolutely gut wrenching and painful type of a loss, and no amount of mental stability will resolve that.

 

I am a happy person. I really enjoy just being alive. But I will never get over not having a child - no matter how happy I am, it IS something many involuntary childless woman are forced to live with.

 

I digress, I do not see myself NEVER feeling happy and having a shell of a life because of my infertility. Not all women regress to a state of utter despair and emotionless existences:sick: but the pain does re surface, always, at some stage.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Gabrielle Union is practically despondent over not being able to have her own baby. I just saw something on TV a couple of weeks ago about her fertility struggle. Apparently being extremely wealthy doesn't help in this case.

 

Yes, I am aware. I should not have used her as an example. But I honestly look up to childless women like her, and there are childless women who I look up to in my personal life. Many of them are also despondent as you say, but I see a lot of strength in these women. They are actually inspiring to me because I know how heavy the pain is, especially when there was a time in your life when people would comment about when you would have your kids and what it would be like and having to pass on men who wanted kids.

 

It is an awful and heavy feeling, and a lot of women can't deal. But these women push through, and I was just trying to encourage the OP that maybe these alternative routes can still bring her happiness. I have no idea what my fertility look like, but I do know I want to have a family and it scares me to not even have prospects, so if anything I know where she is coming from, and thinking of others in this position helps me know I am not alone, and it helps me cope better.

[Els]

I don't know what I'm going to do, or what my future holds, but I'm trying to learn how to accept it. The holidays- all holidays, not just Christmas- are pretty much unbearable at this point. The pain that used to hurt a little bit is now crippling. It is worse when I listen to my friends who have children, who were effortlessly able to plan out their lives and check off all those accomplishments like boxes on a list- complain night and day about raising their own children.

 

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but honestly here you sound rather self-centered and dismissive of other people's problems. Having children isn't an "accomplishment". I get that it is a life goal for you, but not everyone views it the same way. Many women are unfortunately railroaded into having children, or have children by accident, or had overly optimistic expectations of being a parent, etc. Again, I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful to you, but it is a fact. People's gripes aren't less valid than yours are just because you value different things from them.

 

 

My message to men: please stop trying to date women in their 20s and 30s if you don't want to have children. Just stop!

 

 

Why? Plenty of women in their 20s and 30s don't want to have children either.

 

 

But I do agree that they should be up-front about it from the start.

[minimariah2]

There are no guarantees in life.

 

that is very much a moot point. there are no guarantees that i won't die of cancer in 5 years either but that doesn't mean that i should stop taking care of my health to begin with.

 

sure, the OP could get married, have a child and later get dumped - but at the very least, she will know that she TRIED to provide her children with the BASICS. depriving a child of a POSSIBILITY of a healthy family & a father right IN THE BEGINNING is irresponsible and wrong. that is not up for a debate.

 

i worked long hours with children in orphanage and i KNOW how badly they crave BOTH parents. it is obvious to anyone who has a child of their own, BOTH parents are CRUCIAL to that child's development and happiness. i've seen so many children suffer because they got left behind by their father, because they never got to meet their father or because they don't see their father enough - why on Earth would ANYONE want to inflict that kind of pain on their child, ON PURPOSE?

 

So she can get pregnant and find someone later who will help with parenting.

 

and what if she doesn't? she can also get pregnant and find someone who will abuse both her and her child.

 

the odds are not in her favor, i'm sorry. i'm baffled at the amount of people telling her to go for it (and parents, at that!) - listen... parenthood is some very serious business. there is no room for selfishness and a child's purpose is not to fulfill a parent's dream or a fantasy. if you cannot provide your children with a stable and good home in the beginning - let the dream go. let all the "well, there are no guarantees" arguments go. life surprising you is one thing - you setting up your own kid for a failure is something entirely different.

 

this comment might come off as rude, too much or harsh - but as a parent, i'm thinking about the kids first. i wouldn't have mine if i didn't TRY to provide her with basics, that includes financial stability and both parents. we're divorced today, but she still has her daddy around. and even if he wasn't around - she'd have his family around.

 

sure, things could have ended up differently. luckily, they didn't - and it's due to both me & my ex choosing each other carefully for parents.

 

this reminds me of those people who struggle to meet ends but have like dozens of kids, talking about "well, we love them so that's important" - if i learned anything as a mother... love is NOT enough. loving your kids does not make you a good parent.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just another viewpoint: having children is not some biological need for ALL woman that is the only purpose of life. I am in late 30s and never wanted children. I have lots of friends with children that constantly complain, just like you said. I don't find their complaining hurtful in the least. In fact, I am just happy that I don't have that life. When I see happy families, all I think about is the hard parts of raising children and how that outward happiness is such a small % of the whole picture, if they are even happy at all. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. So your friends may think that they are making you feel better when they complain. Or they see you as a safe person to express this to, since other people with children prefer to share the joys of parenthood.

 

 

As for your ideal situation of a 2 parent dream, well life doesn't turn out like we want. Children die from cancer every day before they even get a chance to go to school. Others fight with pretty awful diseases and circumstances without even having the luxury to think of having children. If you really feel like a "a part of your body is missing" without a child, then get to a fertility clinic ASAP and make it happen. This is something you have the power over. Finding the right partner and falling in love before you are 40 is something that you can't make happen. There is no use in burying your head in the sand about the state of your fertility and playing the "poor me" card. Take some action while you still have the time or you will REALLY have no power to change anything.

[BC1980]

I realized my window to have children was closing in the last year. It probably won't happen for me, and it's honestly been harder for me than I would have thought. It seems like a stage of life that passed me by. Growing up, I never had visions of being married or having a family. It just wasn't something I thought about. But once I turned 35, it kind of hit me that I probably wouldn't have a family. It's something I think about a lot because it's not something you can go back and change. There are a lot of things in life where you get second chances, but having kids and a family isn't one of them. Your time passes, and the door closed permanently.

 

I think there's a grieving period for that too. I think it's normal to be sad about that. But life doesn't always turn out perfectly. There are plenty of people that seem like they have these perfect lives, and they really don't. And there's also a lot to be thankful for even if you don't have that story book life with a family around the Christmas tree. I'm not really sure what to say to make you feel better, other than to simply say that there is still a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have a family with kids. I think it's just something you have to come to terms with. As far as holidays, you can have other traditions. I usually work on most holidays, or I will go on a vacation during Christmas. Vacationing during Christmas is actually a really good tradition to start.

[Cupid's Puppet]

that is very much a moot point. there are no guarantees that i won't die of cancer in 5 years either but that doesn't mean that i should stop taking care of my health to begin with.

 

sure, the OP could get married, have a child and later get dumped - but at the very least, she will know that she TRIED to provide her children with the BASICS. depriving a child of a POSSIBILITY of a healthy family & a father right IN THE BEGINNING is irresponsible and wrong. that is not up for a debate.

 

 

Actually, it is debatable because your whole post is based on your own beliefs and emotions. Ideas of what is right or wrong are subjective. My coworker and her wife just adopted 3 kids, and the children are well adjusted. No father in the home. Oops! I can probably provide a million more examples.

 

Stop pretending you care about the unborn child. You sound like one of those people hellbent on taking away women's right to choose. There is no rule on why people should have kids. But the fact is the great majority have children to fulfill a biological desire. That's the only fact. A poster already said his girlfriend is taking medicine just to cope with the issue, and I'm pretty sure many women have committed suicide over the issue. You are making it like infertility is no big deal, and the child is the only one that matters...sorta like that "what about the children" argument. But your emotions don't appeal to me.

[BluBell]

It's interesting to see the wide range of opinions here..and for those who offered support I am very grateful- thank you. I mean truly- thank you, and for those who shared their own painful stories- I very much appreciate you.

 

This is an issue that honestly cuts me deeply almost daily but I really have no one to talk to.

 

For the person who said I was selfish...I posted this here because I selflessly listen to my mom friends complain about everything from breastfeeding to potty training to the drama of being a soccer mom and hectic schedules of other kids' birthday parties and trivial arguments with their husbands about bath times...I listen to these stories and complaints every day of my life and each time I am literally struggling to hold back my own tears.

 

If I can't be selfish on an anonymous discussion board, posting to strangers about my own damn life, then where am I allowed to be selfish?

 

Yes I know there are kids who have disabilities and leukemia and children starving in my own city actually. I know others in life have much worse situations than I do. I apologize if my feelings here offended anyone.

 

And again, for those who offered support- thank you.

[Els]

 

For the person who said I was selfish...I posted this here because I selflessly listen to my mom friends complain about everything from breastfeeding to potty training to the drama of being a soccer mom and hectic schedules of other kids' birthday parties and trivial arguments with their husbands about bath times...I listen to these stories and complaints every day of my life and each time I am literally struggling to hold back my own tears.

 

If I can't be selfish on an anonymous discussion board, posting to strangers about my own damn life, then where am I allowed to be selfish?

 

Generally friendships work two ways - they talk about their problems and you empathize, you talk about your problems and they empathize. It doesn't make sense for you to quietly listen and never talk about your own problems while seething with resentment inside.

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[littleblackheart]

In my close circle, there are 4 who don't have kids: 2 of them never wanted them (one of them is a great step-mum to her current guy's kids though), 2 just haven't had the stars aligned to become mothers and are suffering a great deal because of that.

 

Out of the 2, one (my very close friend) has now made peace with it age 44. She spent her best years with a guy who promised her the white picket fence dream only to drop her after 8 years at 37. She's in a very happy relationship now with a lovely guy 15 years her junior who doesn't want kids (at least for now) but she's learnt to play things by ear. We had many a tearful conversations together across the years on the subject of her never having kids, and I know it's sort of bubbling under the surface and always will be.

 

The second one is my little sister - gorgeous inside and out, smart, excellent job that she loves, always has guys after her but seemingly never the right ones, etc. She also has endometriosis (quite a bad case) and is borderline (diagnosed). She is absolutely desperate to have a child of her own (not necessarily with a partner) but somehow circumstances aren't lending themselves to it, be it her job or her health. She's starting to look at adoption (she doesn't want to freeze her eggs or wait for the right guy) and is giving herself another couple of years to think it over and go through the process.

 

Having witnessed first hand how much my friend and my sister have been suffering because of this, I can completely empathise with you.

 

I don't have clever words or a solution, but I'd happily offer you a hug.

[Leigh 87]

Actually, it is debatable because your whole post is based on your own beliefs and emotions. Ideas of what is right or wrong are subjective. My coworker and her wife just adopted 3 kids, and the children are well adjusted. No father in the home. Oops! I can probably provide a million more examples.

 

Stop pretending you care about the unborn child. You sound like one of those people hellbent on taking away women's right to choose. There is no rule on why people should have kids. But the fact is the great majority have children to fulfill a biological desire. That's the only fact. A poster already said his girlfriend is taking medicine just to cope with the issue, and I'm pretty sure many women have committed suicide over the issue. You are making it like infertility is no big deal, and the child is the only one that matters...sorta like that "what about the children" argument. But your emotions don't appeal to me.

 

 

It is always so easy for fertile, healthy women who have the good fortune of finding a partner and conceiving naturally.

 

I am sure they would have also reached 40 and, like many women before her, break down, become depressed and realise what they have missed out on. I am sure if they had a good job and were single - they would re think their life path and have gone about it differently; for example, sperm donations with an IUI is a fast easy way to conceive without IVF or adoption (both financially and physically taxing ventures).

 

For a while I thought I could not be able to conceive due to pcos. I have thankfully since learned I will more than likely, be able to conceive. But the mere prospect of not having a family with my Fiance is just too devastating to entertain.

 

It is NOT all about the mothers needs here too - I am sure the OP wants to embrace and experienced ALL the facets of being a parent, which include but is not limited to: raising a well adjusted, happy child with their needs met.

 

Wtf though - so that poster was complaining that mums are all conceiving children for their children's sake? Really? I am pretty sure they just want to be parents and experience motherhood. I mean, I think all us mums to be here are ALSO excited about instilling good values and making a positive and happy lifestyle available to their kids, but that is not the reasons most people end up having kids. Most people have kids - because they WANT to, not for some altruistic reason:rolleyes:

[minimariah2]

Actually' date=' it is debatable...[/quote']

 

no, it's not.

 

...because your whole post is based on your own beliefs and emotions...

 

this is an open forum - here, we express our own opinions & beliefs. my opinion on this particular subject is actually based on my knowledge about child psychology & psychiatry + on years working with infertile mothers (couples) in therapy.

 

But your emotions don't appeal to me.

 

my opinions are not here to appeal to you, though. it's more than obvious that i've hit a nerve so you're reacting emotionally - but please try to be pleasant and kind, considerate of other posters' different opinions & discuss without the use of ad hominem - just act like an adult.

 

Wtf though - so that poster was complaining that mums are all conceiving children for their children's sake? Really?

 

i cannot, for the life of me, understand this sentence - i assume you were referring to my posts. do you mind elaborating, please?

 

I am sure they would have also reached 40 and, like many women before her, break down, become depressed and realise what they have missed out on.

 

i've already touched on this topic on your own thread & explained my views, i urge you to read through my posts more carefully. here it is, again - my opinion is based on years of experience working with infertile couples in therapy. you are, of course, entitled to your own.

 

having children seems to be an absolute imperative for you and your biggest source of happiness - you keep mentioning childless acquaintances & friends, childless being the sole & main reason for their unhappiness. in most cases, for most childless people, that's actually not true = they're not unhappy BECAUSE they don't have children... the need for children usually comes as a result of their existing unhappiness (which is usually caused by other things & people in their lives), so they think children will give meaning to their lives.

Edited September 22, 2018 by minimariah2

[Leigh 87]

no, it's not.

 

 

 

this is an open forum - here, we express our own opinions & beliefs. my opinion on this particular subject is actually based on my knowledge about child psychology & psychiatry + on years working with infertile mothers (couples) in therapy.

 

 

 

my opinions are not here to appeal to you, though. it's more than obvious that i've hit a nerve so you're reacting emotionally - but please try to be pleasant and kind, considerate of other posters' different opinions & discuss without the use of ad hominem - just act like an adult.

 

 

 

i cannot, for the life of me, understand this sentence - i assume you were referring to my posts. do you mind elaborating, please?

 

 

 

i've already touched on this topic on your own thread & explained my views, i urge you to read through my posts more carefully. here it is, again - my opinion is based on years of experience working with infertile couples in therapy. you are, of course, entitled to your own.

 

I think it's ridiculous for you to assume that the reason for me being unhappy at the prospect of never having children is down to me being an unhappy person. WTF..

 

Women mostly want kids. It is innate. It is just something my fiance and I want to experience. And despite being very happy as we are, it would be a travesty to us to have to forgo fulfilling this drive of ours to have and raise children. Being sad about missing out on the biggest experience of most people's lives is NOT indicative that we were unhappy people and therefore that's the only reason involuntary childlessness upsets people !

 

Being childless alone, independently of how happy one is, is a valid reason to cause depression and grief. I am very happy. Not having children will still totally devastate me. I won't stay miserable for life but it would still be a great dissapointed.

 

If I were to follow your "advice", I would have to wait to pay off my student loads and also amass savings AND buy a house - all three things - before I try to conceive. So you "think " that I would be better off never conceiving at all, since I will not achieve the level of financial security you insist on within my childbearing years.

 

So easy for you. A mother. So easy to tell us to just give up on having kids cos we are too poor or don't have partners.

 

Maybe actually walk in our shoes before telling us to give up on our dream of motherhood? Better yet- actually get to know us before assuming that we must be unhappy people for us to even feel bad about missing out on having kids.

 

I am going to go and conceive children without owning a home, without much savings and I'm going to love it. My kids will also be very happy with loving parents and grandparents and they will have two parents with good jobs and all their needs met.

 

The fact we don't have savings atm and that my student loans won't be paid off until the kids are older - won't make my kids any less happy than YOUR kid.

 

You really need to refrain from telling women to not have kids, and that they are better off paying you for therapy to deal with their childlessness rather than actually avoiding being childless to begin with.

 

You have a child. You are absolutely in no position to tell us childless woman that we should "just accept" being childless due to things like having student debt or not having a partner.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Leigh 87