Jump to content
Skierbri10

Not sure how to deal with this

Recommended Posts

Skierbri10

I have an issue and don’t know how to handle it. My wife and I have been married over 2 years and we get along great. In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isn’t “all in” in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone. I have a powerful gift of discernment and I can sense when things are not right so I’ve been sad and down for the last few weeks. She asked yesterday why I was down. She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him. I’m not sure what is going on and haven’t been able to ask her yet. I’m not sure if I should feel as hurt about this as I do. I am looking for tHe best way to handle it and approach it. Thanks

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BaileyB

I would say that she is grieving, and grief isn’t always rational.

 

Give her time to work through these feelings. She should talk about her feelings, with a Counsellor if she thinks that would be helpful.

 

Otherwise, just stay with her - do nice things for her, take her out, have some fun together to help her to stay in the moment...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skierbri10
I would say that she is grieving, and grief isn’t always rational.

 

Give her time to work through these feelings. She should talk about her feelings, with a Counsellor if she thinks that would be helpful.

 

Otherwise, just stay with her - do nice things for her, take her out, have some fun together to help her to stay in the moment...

 

Should I bring up the messages?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BaileyB

Personally, I would just ask her how she is feeling about the death of her ex. Start there - it may be all you need to say...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Veronica73

I agree with BaileyB.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SJS

I wouldn't bring up the messages, it might be a way to "get it out"/closure and not meant for anyone else to see. If she actually thought she and her ex had a future together, she wouldn't have married you. I wish I had some advice...I know it can't be easy on either of you.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skierbri10

It’s just very confusing because the guy is dead and I read these messages about how she loved him and misses him, yet he was a total jerk and hit her. She is absent from our marriage so her marrying me feels like consolation prize.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Confused48

If it gives you any consolation, keep in mind that it is easier to love an image of what you thought the person was than the actual person.

 

Once this guy was dead, all the bad about him vanished in a second. Now she is left with only fond memories. She romanticizes the relationship and the other person becomes a vision of perfection.

 

She may never see him in a realistic light again. She may never get over this loss. She will learn to live with it and likely, with the passage of time, your relationship will go back to where it was.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky
She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him.

 

How did you find the messages and who or what was she sending them to?

 

Mr. Lucky

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skierbri10
How did you find the messages and who or what was she sending them to?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

On her Facebook messenger I went to do something on the computer and it was on there from Monday. She was sending them to the dead guys account. Probably as a way to grieve. Just struck me as odd she would send an I miss you message.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
oldlion

I don't have any advice but I have seen one other situation along the same lines. Here is something the man in your shoes learned. You can't compete with a ghost. He is what he is, in her mind, and he will forever be so. Time will tell if she loves you more than the ghost in her mind. If I was in your place I would have to ask her. Right now there are three entities in your marriage and one of them is a ghost who she obviously has feelings of love for. I do wish you well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Poutrew

They say that if you want to hear the truth about something, get the other person angry - there is truth in anger. Well, in your case, there is truth in grief. You were the consolation prize... she wanted stability, and you offered it to her so she took it. Now that the other guy is dead, he is a saint, while you are still only mortal and imperfect. You can't fight the dead - they will always win. I'd grab the bull by the balls on this one and come out and ask her if she wants a divorce. Tell her you read her message - who cares if she gets angry at this point - and tell her you are not 'plan B'. How would she feel if she read a letter you had written to your ex girlfriend admitting that she was better than your wife - better in the sack, bigger T & A, and nicer to boot, and that you would rather be married to her than your wife? Well, that letter left you questioning your entire relationship, and considering that it could be a mistake. If she wants to go drape herself over his gravestone and dig a grave for herself next to his, she is free to do so, but not as your wife. Meanwhile, you can go and find a woman who will be 100% into you. She has a decision to make - she can be your wife 100% or she can go. Maybe some tough love is what it will take for her to wake up to what she has. But, if not, you need to do what is right for you.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FMW

What do you feel you should do? What is your gut instinct?

 

I think I would have to talk to her, tell her you weren't trying to pry but you did see the messages. Yes, she's grieving and normally we cut others slack at a time like that, but this involves you and your life. I don't think I could wait it out.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Marc878

A marriage is for two. Why would you want to stay in something where her dead X merits more than you?

 

No a lot of time invested in this. At two years you should still be in the honeymoon phase but clearly you aren't. Doesn't say much for you future her bud.

 

Better think about this hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sandylee1

Hmmmm. My former colleague had a similar situation. Her Ex H died. He was an alcoholic.

 

She was very down when he died..and this caused problems in her marriage. She felt unable to grieve and wound up going off sick for a couple of months.

 

She told me her husband couldn't understand why she was upset since she divorced him because of the drink.

 

She didn't see her H as a consolation prize. She left the first one because of his drinking. His drinking eventually killed him. It was just the grief.

 

Ask your wife how she feels about it all. It a a good opening.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jamess1

What or who you are to her. . . You are the nice, good guy, reliable, caring, good dad that women marry after the had fun with fun and attractive 'bad boys/drug junkies' who they truly loved but felt were unreliable to marry. She has more feelings for the the past and even dead boyfriends, than she has or ever had with you. You are an intelligent and reasonable choice, he 'the dead ex' was genuinely desired; women date men like you in an attempt to forget and move on from men like him : men they truly and genuinely desired and respected.

 

You are the plan B even C, he was the plan A. She has always thought about him, always missed him, the man she imagines when you have sex with her.

 

It doesn't make her bad, it's very common with women. I have numbers of married ex's I can text and ask to meet in a hotel in an hour and they will be there. I am currently with a woman who no man can do that to. After me she completely forgets about her ex's, I am an upgrade, I am the plan A,she might chat up with the plan B and C to get me jealous, but I am the catch.

 

You are not the catch, you never were, you might be good, reliable and caring, and because of that she is with you, but nevertheless you are not the catch, just a good choice...

 

You are the type of guys who cry 'Oh Why!' when she cheats on you....

 

NOW BREAK UP WITH HER AND GO FIND A WOMAN WHO WILL TEXT YOU AFTER YOU ARE DEAD !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bufo

I have nothing to add to what the other posters have said except for one thing. Your own best interests are served by determining whether this state of mind represents permanent mourning/lack of concern for your marriage or not.

 

Why? I think you cannot live forever with a woman whose emotional state is mourning for her now-dead ex lover. I don’t own a crystal ball to consult about that issue either.

 

But I do know this. If she’s not going to get over this state of mourning and you determine you cannot maintain yourself in such a marriage, it is far easier and usually far less expensive to divorce now rather than with more debt, more kids and more stuff to divide.

 

I know my wife lost her feelings for her ex MM when I spyed her reading his obituary without anything resembling a tear or even a frown. So time does heal feelings, but do you want to take that gamble?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...