friends with kids

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah that's the thing. If it's a phase of being a mom struggling, then I would be more than happy to help. That was partially the case when she was alone pregnant when her husband was in another country. Then he came over and she's had a LOT of support. So it's a personal choice now.

 

What bothers me even more than the MIA or must go to her house to hang out with husband + kids is the entitlement that I must place her kids at the centre of universe - the passive aggressive comments about how I must memorize her kids' birthdays. That basically spells out to me that we are completely different people.

 

Like I'm sorry to say - she is certainly not very fun anymore about being a mother. At least fun defined in the way that I like in a friend at this stage in my life being a single independent both financially and otherwise female. She can't relate to a lot of things and motherhood is her sole purpose in life. Like there is simply not that much in common anymore. I was hanging onto that little thread of what we had as friends before - but honestly there is only so much you can hang onto that before you really have nothing else to share.

 

Life changes you and I am trying to make more friends who are more similar to me now - I have a busy career and my free time - I would like to spend with people who appreciate me and enjoy doing things I like doing with them. I don't want to spend it watching kid shows or going to kid birthday parties with other people's children.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah that's the thing. If it's a phase of being a mom struggling, then I would be more than happy to help. That was partially the case when she was alone pregnant when her husband was in another country. Then he came over and she's had a LOT of support. So it's a personal choice now.

 

What bothers me even more than the MIA or must go to her house to hang out with husband + kids is the entitlement that I must place her kids at the centre of universe - the passive aggressive comments about how I must memorize her kids' birthdays. That basically spells out to me that we are completely different people.

 

Like I'm sorry to say - she is certainly not very fun anymore about being a mother. At least fun defined in the way that I like in a friend at this stage in my life being a single independent both financially and otherwise female. She can't relate to a lot of things and motherhood is her sole purpose in life. Like there is simply not that much in common anymore. I was hanging onto that little thread of what we had as friends before - but honestly there is only so much you can hang onto that before you really have nothing else to share.

 

Life changes you and I am trying to make more friends who are more similar to me now - I have a busy career and my free time - I would like to spend with people who appreciate me and enjoy doing things I like doing with them. I don't want to spend it watching kid shows or going to kid birthday parties with other people's children.

 

I hope to have kids end of next year or 2020 - just to clarify, because being a later bloomer with the whole adulating and children thing (I will be at least 33 by the time I have ONE) - Just want to ensure I do not alienate the fantastic child free friends of mine:

 

- would you mind if she mt you for coffee's say, once a month? That is my bare minimum and what I will insist on once the baby is a not crying 24/7

 

- if say, I wanted to meet child free friends once every month or two for a quick coffee and I called them once every couple of weeks to catch up - would it p*ss them off if I then told them to drop around to my place? With the kids?

 

Can you re hash what is the base line you were after in order to maintain your long held friendship??

[Leigh 87]

Her kids are part of the package now. If you can't accept that, make it clear. People and situations change. People move on and friendships stagnate, especially when they are at different stages in their lives.

 

Both of you will get over it.

 

If you're lucky, you'll both send each other a happy birthday greeting on Facebook every year.

 

Yes no one is disputing this.

 

But it is not normal or healthy to NOT be able to even leave your children for ONE hour, once in a blue moon!

 

I would call that unhealthily obsessive, even the mothers I know who LOVE being mums and prefer to spend all of their time with their children - are able to happily go away for ONE hour for a coffee once every other month or two, especially when they have FREE help at home for that hour:sick:

[Zapbasket]

Hey fieldsoflavendar,

 

I think your response is perfectly justified, but I wanted to throw one last possibility out there:

 

MAYBE your friend is being this way about her kids and your friendship because she has fears maybe even she is not fully aware of. Maybe she fears that now that she's a mom, she no longer HAS her own identity, and her needs--for friendship, for time away from her husband and children--simply have become irrelevant. Maybe as a result she sort-of shoves her kids in your face as an anxious way of essentially begging for your acceptance and acknowledgement of her new identity. Maybe what she's implicitly asking you for is reassurance in the form of you being cool with the new status quo of the kids' birthday parties and such.

 

It depends upon how much depth you think, deep down, she really has. Because all her behaviors could just point to her being selfish and/or one-dimensional.

 

Regardless, this is all stuff she's going to have to figure out on her own. I agree at this point you're probably better off finding friends who get where you are and with whom you can share your time and interests.

 

It sucks to lose a friend. But you can't do all the work for two and that, as you've discovered, is what you've been doing and implicitly asked to do.

[stillafool]

Yeah that's the thing. If it's a phase of being a mom struggling, then I would be more than happy to help. That was partially the case when she was alone pregnant when her husband was in another country. Then he came over and she's had a LOT of support. So it's a personal choice now.

 

What bothers me even more than the MIA or must go to her house to hang out with husband + kids is the entitlement that I must place her kids at the centre of universe - the passive aggressive comments about how I must memorize her kids' birthdays. That basically spells out to me that we are completely different people.

 

Like I'm sorry to say - she is certainly not very fun anymore about being a mother. At least fun defined in the way that I like in a friend at this stage in my life being a single independent both financially and otherwise female. She can't relate to a lot of things and motherhood is her sole purpose in life. Like there is simply not that much in common anymore. I was hanging onto that little thread of what we had as friends before - but honestly there is only so much you can hang onto that before you really have nothing else to share.

 

Life changes you and I am trying to make more friends who are more similar to me now - I have a busy career and my free time - I would like to spend with people who appreciate me and enjoy doing things I like doing with them. I don't want to spend it watching kid shows or going to kid birthday parties with other people's children.

 

 

I completely understand. I'm sure the things your friend now likes to do involve her babies and she has more in common with other women who have kids. I don't have children but I remember when my gfs got married and had kids we naturally drifted apart because we just didn't have anything in common anymore. I bored them and they bored me. I was still invited to parties and bar-b-ques at their house but we ended up drifting apart. It just happens in life and I didn't take it personally nor did they.

[fieldoflavender]

Once a month would be amazing. Once every 3-4 months or heck once a YEAR?! I've yet to go to a single event with her alone since she's delivered her first child 3 years ago. Yes 3 years. Yes they are nice to me when I go over - but honestly she's yet to be alone for ONCE with me.

 

So I think if you guys are planning once a month - that's very very reasonable. No I do not expect people with kids to go out with me at nights, do lots of dinner's etc. But a coffee ONCE in a while. Or even a phone call? I don't even know. She called me AT my request when I had a disastrous engagement break-up. Then deserted me for months after and defended it saying it was to "give me space". Um thanks? Not really...

 

Yeah I agree I think it's unhealthy. Or maybe they just need to hang out with other "mom groups" only because anyone who is not a mother is not worthy.

 

I think I need to get something out of this friendship to keep it going. Like I need not to be bored and to share something in common. I've known her since I was 15 years old so it sucks. I'm in my early 30's now so it's like throwing away a 15+ year friendship, but hey life happens, people change. I tried for so long since we were supposedly "best friends" and she was almost my maid of honour at this wedding that never happened. But yeah it's funny how things can change in 2 years.

[Mysterio]

When I was a kid. Unless my brother and I had piano lesson. We were not with our parents day in and day out.

 

Sometimes I think that too many parents are obsessed, with their kids and smoother and then the kids don't have a sense of self.

[Zapbasket]

When I was a kid. Unless my brother and I had piano lesson. We were not with our parents day in and day out.

 

Sometimes I think that too many parents are obsessed, with their kids and smoother and then the kids don't have a sense of self.

 

You nailed it.

 

No one gets to maintain a sense of self in OP's friend's scenario. Mom sure doesn't sound like she's keeping and cultivating a sense of self.

 

The only reason I can think for why this happens is that expectations have skyrocketed along with the cost of child care. There's pressure to be perfect at work, perfect with your spouse, the perfect parent raising perfect kids, and all kinds of subtle social flack when you "fail" to measure up in any of these areas, particularly if you're in a nontraditional situation (single parent, or stay-at-home dad, etc.).

 

And what's sad about OP's problem is that that's where single friends like OP can help an overwhelmed parent. Just get her out of the house every once in a while and let the focus be 100% on her for a change. OP would be GOOD for her friend especially now, but there's nothing OP can do if the friend refuses to recognize that and plan accordingly.

 

OP, maybe one option is to show up at her house when you know hubby or parents are home to babysit, and refuse to accept "no" for an answer; tell her she is being temporarily "kidnapped" and to shut up and do as you say, get in the car and take her to a nice wine bar. A little nuts, yes, but if you're not ready to let this friendship go maybe an "a little nuts" approach is the only way to go.

[stillafool]

With a husband and kids it's hard to get your much needed "alone time" and that could be what this friend needs when her family is not around. I would hate for someone to just show up and think they can interrupt my schedule to spend time with me. Perhaps your friend is different. This is just how life works sometime and usually when people no longer make time for you it's time for you to forget about it and direct your attention elsewhere.

[Zapbasket]

With a husband and kids it's hard to get your much needed "alone time" and that could be what this friend needs when her family is not around. I would hate for someone to just show up and think they can interrupt my schedule to spend time with me. Perhaps your friend is different. This is just how life works sometime and usually when people no longer make time for you it's time for you to forget about it and direct your attention elsewhere.

 

This is true, as well. I guess it depends on your friend. I know I'm an introvert, and back in my early twenties I was being a huge workaholic and never made time for my friends, and finally they staged an intervention: four of them just showed up at my apartment on a Saturday with ingredients to make a hearty miso soup, and though normally I do not appreciate people dropping by unannounced, this meant so much to me. It shook me out of my routine and helped me recognize that I needed to make some time for enjoying myself with friends. I wasn't acting in my best interest and my friends surmised that and decided to do something about it.

 

If your friend is feeling overwhelmed and that's why she's not making time to go out once in a great while, then maybe this tactic will work with her, too. You just do it once; you don't make a habit of dropping by.

[fieldoflavender]

Naw she's changed so much - like her spending 24/7 with her kids is her pride and joy. She's super proud of being inseparable from them. It's like those workaholic people who take pride in "being busy all the time". It's her sense of self to be that amazing super mom I am so amazing blah blah.

 

So yes power to her, I'm not going to stage any intervention - she's still in the denial phase.

 

All of this is such a turn off of being a parent in the future. I'm scared I will turn crazy too. To live like this is incredibly scary to me.

[fieldoflavender]

And honestly when I grew up, I was wayyy more proud of my mom going to work and being a good role model that way rather than stay home to spend time with me and show me that women should just stay at home all day and lose their careers.

 

I think that shaped who I am today instead of telling me I should just go find a man who makes money and I should be a professional childcare, maid and cook all in one.

 

And as a kid, it's kind of lame imo to be the kid that's so needy (of course special needs children are the exception) that you need someone to literally sit at home and take care of you instead of contributing to society. I wouldn't want to be that kid.

Edited November 9, 2018 by fieldoflavender