Wife had an affair 9 years ago just found out

[Mr. Lucky]

I told her thats something she will have to live with right now and again she said that I needed to try and not let the affair consume me.

 

Glad you've returned, thanks for the update.

 

You really haven't spoken much about what you'd like to have happen. Now that this bombshell has been dropped on you, what are your priorities going forward?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

We were arguing recently when she said something about it. I really dont know why it came out . Thats when she told me that she had the affair while I was at work. She was very reluctant to answer any quetions let alone even talk about it. She only answered any questions because a friend of ours that now knows of the affair told her she needed to answer some of my questions. She swears there was never another affair but I really dont know if I believe her. She was remorseful for a couple days but now she is short with me and I feel like she thinks since it happened then it doesn't matter now. And I do believe she wasn't ever going to tell me. I told her that I would probably have more bad days. I told her thats something she will have to live with right now and again she said that I needed to try and not let the affair consume me.

 

Nope, not remourse just regret it came out

 

Maybe she should read up

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Coop]

I would like to stay together for the kids but I really don't know if thats what I really want. Especially after reading some of the responses. I feel betrayed and unloved. The friend that told her to talk to me had said she complains about me at work to her on a regular basis. This was before I found out about the infidelity. I really didn't think I was that hard to live with.

[Coop]

Thank you all for the responses. It feels good to get some of this off my chest

[BluesPower]

Listen Coop, I really don't think that you understand what you are saying and dong with this situation.

 

Let me tell you all the things that you don't know since she is gas lighting you (google it).

 

1) You really don't KNOW how long the affair lasted. And it still could be going on or it could have been off and on for YEARS.

 

2) You don't KNOW if she has had other affairs. Esp because of her comment that it was only one affair, as if that makes it better? As if you can actually believe ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth. No body since I have been posting her says that, nobody.

 

Which leads me to believe that it is not her first affair.

 

3) Do you know if your kids are actually yours, nope.

 

4) You really don't know anything, most of all you don't know if she loves you at all, or if you are her paycheck that she gives the occasional pity sex to.

 

Basically you don't know anything. AND NOW you are willing to say that you want to stay together?????

 

Are you kidding me?

 

You need to step back, you need to think and you need to stop being weak.

 

Her comments are meant to throw you off the sent, they are meant to make you take it and kiss her A$$.

 

Right now, you are making every mistake that you can possible make, and in the long run it will ruin your marriage, even worse that it is now.

 

Women hate weak men, they just hate it.

 

If you actually want a chance file for divorce and have her served. You don't have to follow through but it MIGHT, and I say might, wake her up.

 

File for divorce have her served and see what her reaction is, I am betting that she will not be that upset about it. If she is you can tell her the things that she can do to ACTUALLY help you heal and let you decide if you want to say married to her.

 

The first thing is a written timeline of the affair, and a surprise polygraph.

 

Is anything I am saying registering???

[Marc878]

I would like to stay together for the kids but I really don't know if thats what I really want. Especially after reading some of the responses. I feel betrayed and unloved. The friend that told her to talk to me had said she complains about me at work to her on a regular basis. This was before I found out about the infidelity. I really didn't think I was that hard to live with.

 

Typically most cheaters do a history rewrite of the marriage to justify their actions. That's all this is.

 

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF.

 

It may open your eyes

[Lotsgoingon]

My heart goes out to your brother.

 

I suggest taking some time for thinking and perspective before acting on your anger and confusion.

 

Questions: ... how did you miss this? I mean this neutrally and not critically. I mean were you just really out of touch with your wife's life at this time ... or were your wife and friend just really really sneaky?

 

Is your wife right that this occurred at a bad point in your relationship.

 

I ask this because I know guys who treat their wives like dirt an then are STUNNED, SHOCKED, when their wives go and have an affair. A man I know would not agree to marriage counseling, despite the pleas of his wife. Finally, his wife said we need the counseling because she had had an affair.

 

Another question: why is your wife telling you this now? What was her agenda? Why did she think she needed to tell you this information now?

 

I've read many interviews with marriage counselors who specialize in affairs and many of them think that the affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage, more than the cause. And many couples do indeed survive affairs and come away with a deeper appreciation of each other and of the marriage.

 

Allow yourself time to get your bearings. You'll have all the options in front of you a month from now as you have right now ...

 

Finally the cut-through-the-b.s. question is: do you want to forgive your wife?Is she worth forgiving? (I am assuming here that you yourself have not had any affairs.)

[Marc878]

DNA your kids bud.

 

The other thing is if she screwed him in your home (marital bed) it's a big FU.

 

Not that it wasn't anyway.

 

You seem to be wanting to roll with the punches so you don't have to make a decision or do anything.

 

Laying in the victims chair won't get you a thing except more disrespect.

 

Talk won't either.

 

I hope you wake up and realize what she is but we can't do that for out

 

Keep posting if you want more support.

 

No one is prepared to deal with this. Sorry you're here.

 

Cut the other man out permantley although he was only taking what your wayward wife was freely giving. Make no mistake her affair was a planned and conscious decision on her part. It wasn't a mistake and you only know the tip of the iceberg

 

Start digging you need the full truth

[Coop]

My heart goes out to your brother.

 

I suggest taking some time for thinking and perspective before acting on your anger and confusion.

 

Questions: ... how did you miss this? I mean this neutrally and not critically. I mean were you just really out of touch with your wife's life at this time ... or were your wife and friend just really really sneaky?

 

Is your wife right that this occurred at a bad point in your relationship.

 

I ask this because I know guys who treat their wives like dirt an then are STUNNED, SHOCKED, when their wives go and have an affair. A man I know would not agree to marriage counseling, despite the pleas of his wife. Finally, his wife said we need the counseling because she had had an affair.

 

Another question: why is your wife telling you this now? What was her agenda? Why did she think she needed to tell you this information now?

 

I've read many interviews with marriage counselors who specialize in affairs and many of them think that the affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage, more than the cause. And many couples do indeed survive affairs and come away with a deeper appreciation of each other and of the marriage.

 

Allow yourself time to get your bearings. You'll have all the options in front of you a month from now as you have right now ...

 

Finally the cut-through-the-b.s. question is: do you want to forgive your wife?Is she worth forgiving? (I am assuming here that you yourself have not had any affairs.)

 

 

 

We just weren't talking much. I really didnt know. I have a work schedule of 24hours at work and thats when they would meet. I have never had an affair. Don't know if I can forgive her.

[marky00]

I would like to stay together for the kids but I really don't know if thats what I really want. Especially after reading some of the responses. I feel betrayed and unloved. The friend that told her to talk to me had said she complains about me at work to her on a regular basis. This was before I found out about the infidelity. I really didn't think I was that hard to live with.

 

This is all making sense.

 

To me it almost sounds like gas lighting. She happens to slip out the fact she had an affair when you argued Then she says you need to not let it consume you. To me it sounds like she had already checked out of the relationship (possibly a long time ago). Not saying this was a pre-mediated plan but more a sub-conscious thing driven by the fact she hasn't been "feeling it" in the relationship for quite a while.

[Lotsgoingon]

We just weren't talking much. I really didnt know. I have a work schedule of 24hours at work and thats when they would meet. I have never had an affair. Don't know if I can forgive her.

 

I hear you brother.

 

You are understandably disoriented ... someone just pulled the rug from beneath you ... The worse part is the retroactive thing ... you're thinking about the past 9 years since the affair and wondering what the heck you're supposed to think.

 

Possibly what you're going through is more disorienting than if she was in the middle of an affair right now (God forbid!) ...

 

You got some buddies you can go out for drinks with? ... to talk about this? ... right you need a lot of love from other people ... and you probably want to share this ... and get the thoughts of others ... and sharing helps us unshame ourselves ... when we feel embarrassed about something like this.

 

Now is the time to get the nurturing energy of buddies. And ironically if you share, you'll hear some amazing marriage tales from them as well.

[aliveagain]

Something in your relationship has changed or why would she confess when she clearly got away with it? Why does she complain about you to people at work, why do you have to find out about it from a friend? This says a lot about her commitment to your relationship or lack of it. Some people use the fact they are unhappy at home to advertise that they are available for new adventures. I think there are other things going on here and you need to get to the truth. Time to check her call logs, see who she talks to. I just don't think she is being completely honest with you.

 

Decide if infidelity is a deal breaker for you, and by the way, never stay married because you have children with her, wrong reason to stay married. She should be doing everything she can to help you recover from the pain she caused rather then trying to sweep this under the rug with comments like "don't let it consume you." With her attitude the next thing she might do is offer you a hall pass, let you sleep with another woman. Get help, and I don't mean marriage counselling. You need to talk to a professional with infidelity experience who will help you decide the best path for you. She needs independent counselling to find out what's broken in her. Then you can decide if you still want to be married to her.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We were arguing recently when she said something about it. I really dont know why it came out

 

Would it be an accurate statement that she used her confession as weapon to cause you harm and hurt? From what you have written, it doesn't sound like her confession was born out of humility or penitence.

[Buckeye2]

The friend that told her to talk to me had said she complains about me at work to her on a regular basis.

 

So your wife gets to complain about you to her coworkers but doesn’t like it when you complain to her about her affair?

 

She has quite a deal. She has you to provide all the boring husband stuff but gets to complain about you. Then she uses that to justify having an affair.

 

You thought you were building up credit by being a nice stable guy. The problem is that you were so reliable that she took you and what you provide for granted. To her you’re like a public utility. Always there. You need her to think about what she’ll do if the lights go off.

 

See a lawyer (the first visit is usually free) and tell her that you’re going to DNA the kids. Do that even if they look just like you.

 

Show her how serious this is. Sex may not be a big deal to her but to you it is.

 

There are only two things a man can rely on for his wife’s kids to be biologically his too. His wife’s faithfulness and DNA. Well you don’t have one on those.

 

Ask her: If you're so bad why wouldn't she welcome a divorce.

Edited September 3, 2018 by Buckeye2

[Mr. Lucky]

Would it be an accurate statement that she used her confession as weapon to cause you harm and hurt? From what you have written, it doesn't sound like her confession was born out of humility or penitence.

 

Coop, could this be something she bizarrely made up in order to hurt you or get your attention? I don't ever recall a similar post here where a WS voluntarily confessed a long ago affair and then told their spouse to just get over it.

 

She's either naive, delusional or really resentful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Adotta]

Aren't you swapping with another couple and dealing with complications do to feelings as well? You have a forum thread on another site. same name. Extremely similar stories.

 

 

 

I'm just wondering why leave that out on this thread because the fact that your wife was pushing for open marriage / swapping very incessantly is a game changer fact drop.

[Coop]

Yes thats me. That is info I thought I had put that in this thread. She wanted to swap with another couple that we have been good friends with for awhile. That was about the time she told me about the affair. I'm sorry for leaving this out.

[kgcolonel]

Yes thats me. That is info I thought I had put that in this thread. She wanted to swap with another couple that we have been good friends with for awhile. That was about the time she told me about the affair. I'm sorry for leaving this out.

 

So....what are the feelings, is she growing attached or is it you? This may be a key trigger in your reason for posting here. Also, what are your current plans re: swapping, i.e. is that on hold or are you two continuing to do that inspite of your relationship instability?

[Coop]

Its on hold, I think she is getting attached. I've told her I can quit and she said she didn't think she could

[understand50]

Looks like she already did the "swap" with out you. Seems to me that she has a lose set of boundaries, and I think you will find that she has done more then she has admitted to. Until, you know everything, until you are not in the dark, you will not be able to decide what to do. Stay or give a second chance. This should be your first order of business, and it should be non-negotiable. You need to find out all that has happened.

 

I do not see this ending well, but I wish you luck.

[Coop]

I asked her yesterday if she ever got tested for STDS and she got upset and told me I said that to be mean to her. What the hell!!!! She said it never crossed her mind.

[Clay]

Your now in a one sided relationship. Sadly it sounds like she probably has never had the feelings for you as you do for her. You met her other criteria for a man to be with but she is now living out the part that you did not meet. Instead of being a decent person and bringing children into this world she chose to hide it until she could open the door for herself again.

 

You can stay with her but as time goes on your going to see she will be more and more less interested in your feelings and more in her own.

 

My xW was and still is a serial cheater. I thought she was smart and at least without me in her life holding her back as she told me she would go out and succeed. Its been almost 12 years since now. She still is a complete wreck and a flake. So the ten years I knew here were just a fake.

 

I wouldn't bring up divorce but I would really just sit her down and ask her why she cheated. Why is she really pursuing relationships outside of your marriage. If you can get her to open up you might have a chance and if not at least you will know.

 

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

C

[aliveagain]

Yes thats me. That is info I thought I had put that in this thread. She wanted to swap with another couple that we have been good friends with for awhile(about the time she had her affair?). That was about the time she told me about the affair. I'm sorry for leaving this out.

 

Sure looks like a hall pass to me. Think hard before you open your marriage to others because only the strongest marriages with couples that are secure with each other and their marriages survive partner trading/swinging. They have strict boundaries with no emotional attachments allowed, If this is the man she had an affair with years ago don't do it, she's already attached to him. She and O/M would be keeping the affair alive with his wife's and your approval, how sick is that? She is a genius if she can pull it off, she's using the O/M's wife as bait. I see very little commitment from your wife to your relationship and she is using you and O/M's wife to satisfy her needs. This is not going to end well for you and your children if you go down this path.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seems to me that she has a loose set of boundaries, and I think you will find that she has done more then she has admitted to.

 

Afraid this was my first thought also. She had an affair 9 years ago and is attached to her potential swinging partner now, that leaves a lot of years in the middle that you have to wonder about.

 

Are the affair partner and swap candidate the same person?

 

Mr. Lucky

[usa1ah]

My heart goes out to your brother.

 

I suggest taking some time for thinking and perspective before acting on your anger and confusion.

 

Questions: ... how did you miss this? I mean this neutrally and not critically. I mean were you just really out of touch with your wife's life at this time ... or were your wife and friend just really really sneaky?

 

Is your wife right that this occurred at a bad point in your relationship.

 

I ask this because I know guys who treat their wives like dirt an then are STUNNED, SHOCKED, when their wives go and have an affair. A man I know would not agree to marriage counseling, despite the pleas of his wife. Finally, his wife said we need the counseling because she had had an affair.

 

Another question: why is your wife telling you this now? What was her agenda? Why did she think she needed to tell you this information now?

 

I've read many interviews with marriage counselors who specialize in affairs and many of them think that the affair is a symptom of a troubled marriage, more than the cause. And many couples do indeed survive affairs and come away with a deeper appreciation of each other and of the marriage.

 

Allow yourself time to get your bearings. You'll have all the options in front of you a month from now as you have right now ...

 

Finally the cut-through-the-b.s. question is: do you want to forgive your wife?Is she worth forgiving? (I am assuming here that you yourself have not had any affairs.)

 

Most women are very good at covering up an affair. All loving to their husbands face while banging other guys.

 

This is not coop’s fault. He didn’t cause his wife to cheat.

 

Coop dna your kids for your peace of mind and to send a message to your cheating wife that this isn’t something you just get over.

 

Talk with an divorce lawyer and see what your opinions are.

 

I would never stay with my wife if she had/does cheated on me.

 

Clear your head a figure out if you can stay after everything she has been doing.