Is this a valid reason to break up with someone?

[Redhead14]

first time I've ever been genuinely in love with someone. -- Again, you aren't in love with HIM, you're in love with the guy you wish he would be and having a relationship.

 

You need to "love yourself" more. Expect better and treat yourself with respect and never compromise yourself in a relationship.

 

Do what you need for yourself with confidence and fortitude. Tell him he does not meet your relationship needs and that you need to move on and wish him well. Do not acquiesce to crying or begging. He will do that because, well, break ups are hard and he kinda already knows you're a soft sell. Stand up for yourself and keep moving.

[preraph]

I think if he was proud of you and thought he might make you a permanent fixture, he'd be at least giving you equal time on his social media and would want people to know. So I think he's killing time and getting sex and not planning on keeping you and doesn't want anyone to think he's taken. Sorry. I think you should date other people at a minimum.

[Redhead14]

I'm really in love with him, and I trusted him so much. He fell in love with me first.

 

I don't know what happened, maybe he's lost feelings for me as mine grew stronger for him.

 

I wanted to say.. what if he's doing the best he can in the situation he's in. But I'm the only person in his life who gets the least amount of effort. So I guess I'm just making excuses for him.

 

what if he's doing the best he can -- It's not enough for you. I don't think he's doing the best he can, he's just doing the least he needs to do in order to keep you on the hook. It's convenient.

 

He sounds immature. Do you really want to "raise" a man to be what you need?

 

Find yourself a man whose parents did the work.

[j.ane]

first time I've ever been genuinely in love with someone. -- Again, you aren't in love with HIM, you're in love with the guy you wish he would be and having a relationship.

 

You need to "love yourself" more. Expect better and treat yourself with respect and never compromise yourself in a relationship.

 

Do what you need for yourself with confidence and fortitude. Tell him he does not meet your relationship needs and that you need to move on and wish him well. Do not acquiesce to crying or begging. He will do that because, well, break ups are hard and he kinda already knows you're a soft sell. Stand up for yourself and keep moving.

 

He was really amazing at the beginning, but he changed and stopped trying. I think I'm still in love with who he was. I still love him now too, perhaps more in an empathetic, "I know you too well" way. But as a boyfriend? I guess not.

 

I'm such a huge crier though. I've been crying so much since this relationship went south, and I don't know how to compose myself when I break up with him because I've always been so afraid of this possibility.

 

Not only that, I wasted so much of my money on this relationship, to make him happy. Which was so stupid of me, but I thought we'd end up marrying. He's the one who told me he wanted to marry me when he was stable enough. He's the one who said I love you first. He's the one who approached me first.

 

This is so weird to me.

[dranoel]

Yes, I’d say someone regularly making you feel unspecial is reason to break up. If he truly valued you and the relationship he’d be proud to declare it and include you in those facets of his life. It seems you two just aren’t the ideal match for one another, so you should find somebody else who is a better match and won’t disappoint you in these areas.

 

In fact, I’d drop him very soon. This won’t get better with time, it will likely only get worse. You may In fact be wasting your time in this relationship each day you’re in it. You’ve only invested one year so far - you’re not so deep in that you should fear giving up something you’ve spent this amount of time on. I say, get out now, don’t waste more time, and find a man who makes you feel special. If you stick around, the relationship will become the source of some long term unhappiness and regret.

[preraph]

Remember that guys put up their "good guy" front in the beginning so they can get you and have sex. The longer you know people, the more you really see who that person is, and he's not that one you fell in love with.

[j.ane]

I'm going to have such serious trust issues after this relationship is over. He was such a trustworthy, mature person, which was what made me try this thing out in the first place.

 

I guess maybe he was just using me for sex. I didn't sleep with him until 2 months into us being official, but we did do other stuff. I guess that was exciting enough for him too.

 

I'm 20 and this is my first relationship ever. I have severe ptsd from sexual trauma and avoided relationships because of possibly being used sexually again.

 

If this is the truth of our relationship, it's going to mess me up so bad. I don't think I could be brave enough to give another chance at dating, not for a long time.

[Gretchen12]

And I have this naive belief that if I broke up with him, he'd realise his mistake and fight for me.

....

Every time I meet him, I end up crying over something. I think he's so tired of it too

...

 

I kind of suspected you wanted to use break up as leverage. Sounds like you've done it before and made him cry. You don't know what you're doing. Never threaten break up if you want it to work, because that's a betrayal of trust. He doesn't feel safe with you. And the frequent crying, that'll drive any man away. Men want to make women happy, and there you are crying. It makes him feel bad about the whole thing and you wonder why he acts as if you're not his girlfriend? I don't want you to think it's all your fault. It takes two. But obviously you are very inexperienced with relationships. I don't know if you can still fix it. The way it is now, it isn't going to last. He has checked out emotionally. Men get hurt but don't show it. You learn and maybe in the future you are wiser when you meet another guy.

[Redhead14]

He was really amazing at the beginning, but he changed and stopped trying. I think I'm still in love with who he was. I still love him now too, perhaps more in an empathetic, "I know you too well" way. But as a boyfriend? I guess not.

 

I'm such a huge crier though. I've been crying so much since this relationship went south, and I don't know how to compose myself when I break up with him because I've always been so afraid of this possibility.

 

Not only that, I wasted so much of my money on this relationship, to make him happy. Which was so stupid of me, but I thought we'd end up marrying. He's the one who told me he wanted to marry me when he was stable enough. He's the one who said I love you first. He's the one who approached me first.

 

This is so weird to me.

 

 

I wasted so much of my money on this relationship - You cannot buy a man/relationship. A man who allows a woman to do this is a parasite.

 

He's the one who told me he wanted to marry me when he was stable enough - So when does that happen? What has he been doing to become stable enough. That is something he should already be before he even mentions marrying a woman.

 

I think you would be doing yourself a favor if you would just start viewing this guy as a learning experience that you happened to have had some good times with.

 

This is so weird to me. -- He may have mean't those things in the moment but his actions do not match his words. Words needs to be supported by actions but words don't necessarily have to match actions. In other words, if he had been clearly demonstrating his love and devotion to you, you wouldn't even need to hear him say he loves you (although it's nice to hear for sure).

 

I think I'm still in love with who he was - Exactly. People often put up a "good front", put their best foot forward in a new relationship. That's why dating for a relationship is a process of observation. The front people put up is usually difficult to maintain for a long time. Eventually, the "real" them comes out. And, that's when a new stage of observation happens -- Does this "new guy", aka the real "him" meet my needs? You're just seeing who/how he really is. So you need to evaluate him again. You don't really like the real him.

[j.ane]

I kind of suspected you wanted to use break up as leverage. Sounds like you've done it before and made him cry. You don't know what you're doing. Never threaten break up if you want it to work, because that's a betrayal of trust. He doesn't feel safe with you. And the frequent crying, that'll drive any man away. Men want to make women happy, and there you are crying. It makes him feel bad about the whole thing and you wonder why he acts as if you're not his girlfriend? I don't want you to think it's all your fault. It takes two. But obviously you are very inexperienced with relationships. I don't know if you can still fix it. The way it is now, it isn't going to last. He has checked out emotionally. Men get hurt but don't show it. You learn and maybe in the future you are wiser when you meet another guy.

 

He "cheated" on me once. Well, he had a drunken make out session with some girl at a club when he was out with his friends. I spent all night that night waiting to hear from him, but he ignored me all night. One of my friends was there that night and told me what had happened.

 

He told me he didn't mean it and that he was so drunk that he messed up. But that scarred me, and that was the event that broke something inside of me and I've been crying so much about every little thing ever since.

 

I was such a emotionally strong, open-minded person. But that thing shocked me so much, and changed something in me. I hate who I've become in this relationship.

 

It's so unfair that he get to enjoy himself, kiss someone else, and now detach himself from the situation because I'm reacting to being hurt.

 

I forgave him but I'm still so scared. And he hasn't shown me anything to prove that I'm important and that he didn't mean to cheat (I use that word lightly).

 

He did tell me that my fragile-ness hurt him and scared him, he did tell me that he's so scared of doing anything now because he's worried it'll hurt me.

 

I don't know if it's possible to ever fix things. I wish I could've just healed from that night and not become such an emotional burden on him, maybe I pushed him away. But how could I pretend to not be hurt?

 

When he gets jealous by other guys hitting on me? I've never betrayed him. Ever. I get nothing. I have to do everything, and he gets to detach himself. It's os unfair.

[Redhead14]

J.ane, relationships take work and when there's trouble, usually both of the parties involved share some "blame". The bottom line is that this relationship has become toxic for both of you. But, given the "way" this guy deals with things and his lack of real effort, you're gonna find yourself still doing all the work.

 

You aren't doing yourself or him any favors by staying with him. You're basically enabling him and crimping his ability to move forward in life and mature by tolerating his behaviors and you are crimping your ability to do the same.

 

The longer you stay with this and suffer it's affects, the harder it will be for you to move into a real and lasting relationship because of the scars left on you from this one.

[j.ane]

From avoiding relationships my whole life, I witnessed all my friends go through so much emotional turmoil because of their relationships. I always thought.. what's the point? If everyone's going through the same damn thing.

 

And I guess I figured out the point for a while when I met him. The feeling of being in love is so incredible, that you're willing to sit through the cycle of pain.

Sounds like an addiction. Maybe it is.

 

I guess I could learn a ton about myself and love through this. I hope the process of letting him go is going to be easier that I'm afraid of.

 

But again, what's the point?

[dranoel]

He "cheated" on me once. Well, he had a drunken make out session with some girl at a club when he was out with his friends. I spent all night that night waiting to hear from him, but he ignored me all night. One of my friends was there that night and told me what had happened.

 

Less than a year into the relationship, cheating should definitely be a dealbreaker. And on top of all the other crap he’s done, it should be a no brainer. Funny how on this forum things are always so clear from a third party perspective, while the OPs’ visions are always clouded by emotion. This is one clear as crystal girl, and you’ll see it from the other side - he’s a jerk. Get rid of him.

 

Note: if you do break things off, he might say all the bull**** you’ve been dying to hear for months, and you’ll get sucked back into this mess thinking all he needed was a wake up call. Don’t cave. This will last a couple months at most then you’ll be back where you started, with a few more months of your life wasted.

Edited August 29, 2018 by dranoel

[Redhead14]

From avoiding relationships my whole life, I witnessed all my friends go through so much emotional turmoil because of their relationships. I always thought.. what's the point? If everyone's going through the same damn thing.

 

And I guess I figured out the point for a while when I met him. The feeling of being in love is so incredible, that you're willing to sit through the cycle of pain.

Sounds like an addiction. Maybe it is.

 

I guess I could learn a ton about myself and love through this. I hope the process of letting him go is going to be easier that I'm afraid of.

 

But again, what's the point?

 

 

I suspect that you may feel relief, at first, at least. You're been stressing and anxious for a long time, I'd say.

 

 

You've probably been feeling somewhat powerless in the situation. You've given him a lot of power over you. Take some power back for yourself. That would be a good start for your future in lots of other things as well.

 

 

All the best to you.

[bathtub-row]

I'm really in love with him, and I trusted him so much. He fell in love with me first.

 

I don't know what happened, maybe he's lost feelings for me as mine grew stronger for him.

 

I wanted to say.. what if he's doing the best he can in the situation he's in. But I'm the only person in his life who gets the least amount of effort. So I guess I'm just making excuses for him.

 

All the crying is really turning him off and I can’t say that I blame him. I’d recommend that you address the problems in an adult manner. If you still don’t get what you want from him, then end it. Just because you’re in love with him doesn't mean it’s the right relationship for you.

[PRW]

Well this thread has gotten 30 message long and I still don't see anything solid to work with here,...just a bunch of speculation, second guessing, and people superimposing their own experiences over the top of it. Maybe I didn't catch every word someone wrote, but whatever....

 

Why not just keep it simple? Instead of the binary dichotomy of "break up" or "not break up",...there are other options.

 

1. Pull back a little from him (but still see him) and see how he reacts. You will either fade away from each other or you will snap back together and be closer, at least either is a tangible outcome.

 

2. Offer him a non-exclusive arrangement. That is, you still date each other, but are also free to date other people,...again, see how he reacts. If he accepts that then go with it. Maybe you or he will find someone else in the process, and maybe not. But it will inject a little "reality" into the situation.

[Redhead14]

PRW, this guy had a drunken make out session with some girl too and ignored her all night long. When the OP expressed her "dismay" over that and some other things, he told her that now he was afraid to make any kind of move because of her "fragile-ness". Fragil-ness??? That is about minimizing/invalidating her concerns and attempting to squash her from voicing them if something else arises. So now, if she's upset about something she's going to be second-guessing herself and being quite for fear that she's over-reacting, etc.

[PRW]

PRW, this guy had a drunken make out session with some girl too and ignored her all night long. When the OP expressed her "dismay" over that and some other things, he told her that now he was afraid to make any kind of move because of her "fragile-ness". Fragil-ness??? That is about minimizing/invalidating her concerns and attempting to squash her from voicing them if something else arises. So now, if she's upset about something she's going to be second-guessing herself and being quite for fear that she's over-reacting, etc.

 

Then I would agree with you on that.

 

I didn't see that part of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, the underlying dynamic of your relationship is immature and unsustainable, in the long-run.

 

I'd cut and bail now.

[kgcolonel]

I mean, short answer: of course he does. But there's more to it.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for slightly less than a year, and there have been many ups and downs but we still love each other.

 

I'll get straight to it. I get approached by guys quite a bit, they flirt in real life and over text. I have friends of mine who I've found out have a thing for me. I wouldn't say crushes but they've got a bit more than friendship on their mind.

 

I'm in university and my boyfriend is pursuing his career. So basically, we're not around each other all the time.

 

I guess you could say my boyfriend gets passive aggressively jealous whenever these guys come up. I guess he's too embarrassed to admit it directly, so he ends up being petty towards me instead, but usually plays it off as a joke. But I know what he's doing. :/

 

He tells me he always worries about me going to parties because guys might try to bother me. When I get flirty comments on my selfies on social media, he'll get upset, though he tries to hide it.

 

There are times where I talking to my guy friends and I don't realise that these guys are flirting with me.

 

I can understand why he'd get upset but why at me? It's not my fault these guys flirt. Most of them don't even know that I'm in a relationship, because we aren't the kind of people to post personal things like that on social media.

 

I feel like he thinks I'm going to enjoy male attention, but brushes it off as him being upset that the guys.

 

Funny thing is, at the same time, he gives me very limited attention, he's not good with compliments, he doesn't show me off at all (I hope you all understand where I'm coming from with this point). What does he expect?

 

I've tried communicating with him about this for so long, he won't budge. He's too ashamed to admit his insecurity about this.

 

I love him and he's the only man I want attention from, he doesn't get that.

 

 

Big Red Flag here....how did the guy (not necessarily your guy friends) get your number? Are you giving your number out to new guys? Bad move if you are. Also, if you're not setting the guys, whether they be friends or randoms straight, you're adding to your BFs insecurity here. You could be a part of the solution and not contributing to the problem by "enjoying the attention".

 

It seems you do in fact enjoy this attention as you talk of replacing the lack of attention from your BF with the attention of these new guys.

 

If you're not getting what you want or need, the mature thing is to communicate with your BF that if you don't get these things, it very well could be a deal breaker for you two. Also, understand, you two are in different places in your respective lives, he is working and you are in college / university. It is very unlikely that you two will end up together in the long term. I know you'll disagree as did I when I was your age however as much as I too was really in love, the timing wasn't right and we did not work out....this is normal for your age.

 

Just learn from your relationship what you like and don't like and build on that in the future.

[j.ane]

PRW, this guy had a drunken make out session with some girl too and ignored her all night long. When the OP expressed her "dismay" over that and some other things, he told her that now he was afraid to make any kind of move because of her "fragile-ness". Fragil-ness??? That is about minimizing/invalidating her concerns and attempting to squash her from voicing them if something else arises. So now, if she's upset about something she's going to be second-guessing herself and being quite for fear that she's over-reacting, etc.

 

Yeah, the way he said it was as if he was implying that he was afraid to insert too much of himself (his thoughts/emotions) into the relationship, because he was so afraid of hurting me again.

 

He also added that he didn't blame me, because it was his fault.

 

He told me that he was just lost as to what to do to fix things after he messed up that night. I don't know if he's just saying that to sound like he regrets it though, because I've told him how his lack of effort in specific areas makes me feel unimportant. Wouldn't it be obvious to him what to do, then?

 

I feel like this is what I would do if I didn't want someone to see me as the selfish bad guy. His words hardly ever match his actions.

[j.ane]

Well this thread has gotten 30 message long and I still don't see anything solid to work with here,...just a bunch of speculation, second guessing, and people superimposing their own experiences over the top of it. Maybe I didn't catch every word someone wrote, but whatever....

 

Why not just keep it simple? Instead of the binary dichotomy of "break up" or "not break up",...there are other options.

 

1. Pull back a little from him (but still see him) and see how he reacts. You will either fade away from each other or you will snap back together and be closer, at least either is a tangible outcome.

 

2. Offer him a non-exclusive arrangement. That is, you still date each other, but are also free to date other people,...again, see how he reacts. If he accepts that then go with it. Maybe you or he will find someone else in the process, and maybe not. But it will inject a little "reality" into the situation.

 

I've tried the first one before, and it hurt him but he always avoids talking about how my actions hurt him. Ever since he 'cheated', he feels like he doesn't have the right to 'complain' about anything.

 

So if I were to break up with him, whether he really loves me or not, he'd just accept it. If I were to distance myself, he'd accept it. Because he feels not good enough.

 

Before that cheating incident, he was really great and always showed me how much he wanted me. Ever since that happened and I showed him how much it hurt me, he's just gone silent.

[j.ane]

Big Red Flag here....how did the guy (not necessarily your guy friends) get your number? Are you giving your number out to new guys? Bad move if you are. Also, if you're not setting the guys, whether they be friends or randoms straight, you're adding to your BFs insecurity here. You could be a part of the solution and not contributing to the problem by "enjoying the attention".

 

It seems you do in fact enjoy this attention as you talk of replacing the lack of attention from your BF with the attention of these new guys.

 

If you're not getting what you want or need, the mature thing is to communicate with your BF that if you don't get these things, it very well could be a deal breaker for you two. Also, understand, you two are in different places in your respective lives, he is working and you are in college / university. It is very unlikely that you two will end up together in the long term. I know you'll disagree as did I when I was your age however as much as I too was really in love, the timing wasn't right and we did not work out....this is normal for your age.

 

Just learn from your relationship what you like and don't like and build on that in the future.

 

Nooo, never. These guys are my actual friends whom I've known long before I started dating my boyfriend. It was my boyfriend who pointed out their flirty behaviour, because I never really realised it. I guess I never thought any of these guys would ever try anything with me, so I assumed they were being friendly.

 

I appreciate attention from anyone, it doesn't have to be romantic or sexual. I just like feeling appreciated by someone, don't we all? It's nice to be cared about. And it hurts me to know that these guys I considered friends actually wanted someone else from me all along.

 

It's so weird to think that my needs could be a deal breaker, because most of my needs are literally the bare minimum that should be present in any relationship.

 

Being able to talk to your partner often, being involved in their lives, posting/commenting on social media stuff (which, in this day and age, is another form of showing appreciation, no matter how petty it sounds), celebrating anniversaries..

 

He once went on an overseas trip and I got him a pair shoes (that he always wanted) as a surprise to take along with him. He came back and the only gift he got me was a small packet with two chocolates inside that had the price tag on it. Something you'd get at the counter of a convenient store.

 

I can't point that out to him without sounding materialistic. But I'm not mad about the price.. I'd rather he wrote me a letter. That would be even more thoughtful than a tiny piece of chocolate.

 

You get what I mean? I don't know how to bring that up at all.

[basil67]

I just saw your other post https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/663580-valid-reason-break-up-someone I think it's important to not compartmentalise issues. Instead, look at your relationship as a whole and make your decision based on that.

 

If you have discussed these issues with him and remain unhappy, then you have a valid reason reason to break up. That's all there is to it.

Edited August 30, 2018 by basil67

[j.ane]

Except that earlier on you said that you and the others aren't the type to show that you're in a relationship on social media. Perhaps if you posted some couple selfies and tagged him when you find appropriate humour, you'd get hit on less and he'd be more secure.

 

If the people who are approaching you don't know you're in a relationship, you need to do a better job of letting them know.

 

I want to. But I've been putting in all the effort to make this relationship work. I don't want to look stupid by posting him while he could be secretly ashamed of me and wishing I hadn't.

 

When I asked him once if I could, his answer was "It's your choice, I can't stop you".