j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 I mean, short answer: of course he does. But there's more to it. My boyfriend and I have been together for slightly less than a year, and there have been many ups and downs but we still love each other. I'll get straight to it. I get approached by guys quite a bit, they flirt in real life and over text. I have friends of mine who I've found out have a thing for me. I wouldn't say crushes but they've got a bit more than friendship on their mind. I'm in university and my boyfriend is pursuing his career. So basically, we're not around each other all the time. I guess you could say my boyfriend gets passive aggressively jealous whenever these guys come up. I guess he's too embarrassed to admit it directly, so he ends up being petty towards me instead, but usually plays it off as a joke. But I know what he's doing. :/ He tells me he always worries about me going to parties because guys might try to bother me. When I get flirty comments on my selfies on social media, he'll get upset, though he tries to hide it. There are times where I talking to my guy friends and I don't realise that these guys are flirting with me. I can understand why he'd get upset but why at me? It's not my fault these guys flirt. Most of them don't even know that I'm in a relationship, because we aren't the kind of people to post personal things like that on social media. I feel like he thinks I'm going to enjoy male attention, but brushes it off as him being upset that the guys. Funny thing is, at the same time, he gives me very limited attention, he's not good with compliments, he doesn't show me off at all (I hope you all understand where I'm coming from with this point). What does he expect? I've tried communicating with him about this for so long, he won't budge. He's too ashamed to admit his insecurity about this. I love him and he's the only man I want attention from, he doesn't get that.
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 Wait why was this posted in the other woman forum? Admin, could you move this to the dating forum for me please! So sorry!
central Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 As you noted, he's insecure, and may think that you'd leave him if a particularly attractive guy flirts with you. Short of cloistering yourself and covering yourself head to foot when you go out, you can't avoid attention - it isn't your fault, after all. However, his passive aggressive behavior and poor attitude could damage your relationship, if it hasn't already. I suggest that you tell him that you aren't interested in anyone else, but if he doesn't learn to deal with this, it will damage your relationship, and may create the very result he seems to fear.
bathtub-row Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Yes, it is probably your fault because you’re encouraging this type of behavior from men. If women were texting my bf and being flirty and he didn’t set them straight right away, we’d have a problem. Being flirty and all that is fine if you’re not in a relationship but it doesn’t work if you’re with someone. It appears that you and your bf are in two different places in your lives. You need to give yourself time to be free and footloose and enjoy college life. You really don’t need to be on a leash right now. Your bf probably knows this deep down but doesn’t want to deal with it. So, you need to make a decision. 3
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 As you noted, he's insecure, and may think that you'd leave him if a particularly attractive guy flirts with you. Short of cloistering yourself and covering yourself head to foot when you go out, you can't avoid attention - it isn't your fault, after all. However, his passive aggressive behavior and poor attitude could damage your relationship, if it hasn't already. I suggest that you tell him that you aren't interested in anyone else, but if he doesn't learn to deal with this, it will damage your relationship, and may create the very result he seems to fear. I find it quite unfair because he always admires other girls when he's out with his boys and goes to parties without regularly updating me. He's more likely to flirt with girls than I am to entertain other men. He doesn't even see the hypocrisy in this jealousy, and it's so unhealthy. Instead of getting upset with why, I don't get why he won't just do more to impress me, bring me out to parties with him, post me on social media. That would make him look better to me, and also drive away guys who think I'm single. But whenever I tell him to do those things, he just says, "It's okay, I'm just being dumb and insecure. You have the right to talk to whoever you want,". I don't want him to ever feel insecure with me because I adore him but he also annoys the hell out of me when he does this. Sometimes his actions, or lack thereof, makes me tempted to entertain other guys and I hate that. I don't care for them at all, only him. I don't want to be that person who purposely tries to make their partner jealous but I'm slowly becoming that.
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 Yes, it is probably your fault because you’re encouraging this type of behavior from men. If women were texting my bf and being flirty and he didn’t set them straight right away, we’d have a problem. Being flirty and all that is fine if you’re not in a relationship but it doesn’t work if you’re with someone. It appears that you and your bf are in two different places in your lives. You need to give yourself time to be free and footloose and enjoy college life. You really don’t need to be on a leash right now. Your bf probably knows this deep down but doesn’t want to deal with it. So, you need to make a decision. Thanks for your reply, I've stated my reasoning in my comment above this, if you could read that I really love him but I don't feel like he tries to keep me anymore. He betrayed me once in the past, but he felt really bad about it because it was a drunken accident. But I'd expect him to try harder to show me that he cares about me after what he did. Instead he just gets jealous of other guys but won't "show me off". I feel like I sound like a spoiled brat using the term 'show me off' but I don't know how else to put it. He doesn't try hard enough to claim me and I'm the only one going around telling people I'm not single, but he doesn't do much of that?
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 Also I wanna add that I don't mind being on a leash at all. I prefer it. I love commitment, but he's making me want to stop trying.
central Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Hmm. He doesn't do much to show he wants you, doesn't go out much with you, doesn't seem to spend a lot of time with you, but doesn't want you with someone else. It sounds like you're an option, not a real priority. He wants you to to the hard relationship work, but isn't - apparently - willing to do any, himself. You may adore him, but he isn't acting like he feels the same about you.
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 Hmm. He doesn't do much to show he wants you, doesn't go out much with you, doesn't seem to spend a lot of time with you, but doesn't want you with someone else. It sounds like you're an option, not a real priority. He wants you to to the hard relationship work, but isn't - apparently - willing to do any, himself. You may adore him, but he isn't acting like he feels the same about you. Oh yeah I've definitely talked to him about this and every time I say this, he ends up crying. It's such a mess, I don't even know what he wants. I think ever since he betrayed me, he just feels guilty about being my boyfriend. It's so damn painful to think about, but I feel like if we continue down this path, I'm going to have to let him go. Though that's the last thing I want to do.
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year and he hardly ever makes an effort to make me feel special. He's never gone out with his friends and invited me along. We usually just go parties on our own. Among other things, he has never posted about me on social media. He doesn't post much in general, usually group photos of him and his friends or family. He does have pictures of him with girls that he used to have a crush on, but they never had a thing between them. But not a single thing about me. I threw him a huge surprise, and put in so much effort and cash into the gifts I got him and I thought he'd post about it on Snapchat or Instastory, but he never did. But when he goes out with his friends, or to a fancy place without me, he posts those things. I know this is so first-world problems level petty, but it hurts. There's no indication whatsoever on his social media that he has a girlfriend. He doesn't do anything special for me anymore, he surprise visits me from time to time but that's as far as he'll go. His presence is the surprise. And as much I love seeing him, I feel like my efforts are not being reciprocated at all. When I post selfies, he'll just like them casually like he's any other person. While there'll be other guys who'd comment compliments or heart emojis. He won't do anything like that. He's cried over the idea of losing me, but never shows me any effort. Do you guys think he's just using me? I feel so hurt because I'm so convinced he's in love with me as I am him, I've invested so much in this relationship.
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 Just want to clarify, that there's obviously more issues than just this petty social media thing. But it all comes from the same feeling of being unappreciated by him.
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Then it's time to go....especially after a year and it has come to this. He's a lazy BF. I dumped guys quicker and earlier in the relationship for this. I didn't stick around for improvement...I see them as they are, and they didn't fulfill my expectation..and you shouldn't have to tell them how to treat you, it should come naturally. Kick him to the curb.
bathtub-row Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 Bottom line - he doesn’t make you feel valued. Actually, wanting to break up for the sake of just breaking up is a valid reason. In other words, you don’t need a valid reason. If a person wants to break up with someone, they have the right to do so. 2
Gretchen12 Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 You can break up with him for any reason that you can live with. Before you break up, you tell him plainly what bothers you. Not to get into a fight, not an emotional scene, just state the facts. This way when you break up with him, you have no regrets because you communicated your needs, so there was no misunderstanding. Then if nothing changes and you want to break up, make sure you are not using break up as leverage to change him. Also make sure you are emotionally ready to call it quits, because there is no going back. And then you do it. 2
stillafool Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year and he hardly ever makes an effort to make me feel special. He's never gone out with his friends and invited me along. We usually just go parties on our own. Among other things, he has never posted about me on social media. He doesn't post much in general, usually group photos of him and his friends or family. He does have pictures of him with girls that he used to have a crush on, but they never had a thing between them. But not a single thing about me. I threw him a huge surprise, and put in so much effort and cash into the gifts I got him and I thought he'd post about it on Snapchat or Instastory, but he never did. But when he goes out with his friends, or to a fancy place without me, he posts those things. I know this is so first-world problems level petty, but it hurts. There's no indication whatsoever on his social media that he has a girlfriend. He doesn't do anything special for me anymore, he surprise visits me from time to time but that's as far as he'll go. His presence is the surprise. And as much I love seeing him, I feel like my efforts are not being reciprocated at all. When I post selfies, he'll just like them casually like he's any other person. While there'll be other guys who'd comment compliments or heart emojis. He won't do anything like that. He's cried over the idea of losing me, but never shows me any effort. Do you guys think he's just using me? I feel so hurt because I'm so convinced he's in love with me as I am him, I've invested so much in this relationship. What does he say when you've asked him about this?
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 That's the thing, I don't want to break up with him. I just feel like I have to. Because from everything I've gotten from him, it just feels like he's stringing me along. And I have this naive belief that if I broke up with him, he'd realise his mistake and fight for me. But if he's genuinely stringing me along, he's going to be fine. I'm the one who's going to be broken about this. Every time I meet him, I end up crying over something. I think he's so tired of it too, he thinks I'm too vulnerable. But I'm just so drained, from giving so much and receiving nothing. Not even enthusiasm (unless he's getting sex). Another part of me is so conscious that I'll end up being that girlfriend who dumped someone over social media pictures.. but it's more than that.
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 When you find that you are putting in a greater level of effort in a relationship and it's causing you anxiety, it's time to have an open, calm conversation about what's bothering you. It appears you have done that in some way because you say he's "cried" over the thought of losing you. Since you are posting, I take it that he is aware of the situation and has not been making an effort to accommodate your concerns. Anytime you are putting in more effort than a partner does into a relationship and it's been addressed, it's time to move on. You are not married. You are still in the observation stage of a developing relationship. I think you are getting a little glimpse into what the future may be if you're thinking this guy is "the one".
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 If you feel unappreciated it's fine to break up. You don't need a valid reason to break up. If you are unhappy end it. Dating is not a lifetime commitment. 1
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 What does he say when you've asked him about this? He says he's not ready and that he doesn't want to be like those other people who show off everything they have but are so fake in reality. And I see his point. But he always posts his friends there. So why not me? If I bring that up, he just says, "I hate that something like social media's causing so much tension in our relationship. I'll just delete my accounts". He's just avoiding the solution. He'd rather delete his account than post me.
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 When you find that you are putting in a greater level of effort in a relationship and it's causing you anxiety, it's time to have an open, calm conversation about what's bothering you. It appears you have done that in some way because you say he's "cried" over the thought of losing you. Since you are posting, I take it that he is aware of the situation and has not been making an effort to accommodate your concerns. Anytime you are putting in more effort than a partner does into a relationship and it's been addressed, it's time to move on. You are not married. You are still in the observation stage of a developing relationship. I think you are getting a little glimpse into what the future may be if you're thinking this guy is "the one". True. And his low self-esteem is going to just allow me to do it, because he always says that he's not good enough for me. I feel like that's just a cop out though. I just keep having hope that one day he'll change. I've never broken up with anyone before, this is my first committed relationship and the first time I've ever been genuinely in love with someone. I've only ever had playful dates in the past.
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 I don't want to break up with him. - The better way of saying this in your case is: "I don't want to break up with the guy I wish he would be . . ." this is my first committed relationship -- You're committed, he isn't. 2
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 I don't want to break up with him. - The better way of saying this in your case is: "I don't want to break up with the guy I wish he would be . . ." I'm really in love with him, and I trusted him so much. He fell in love with me first. I don't know what happened, maybe he's lost feelings for me as mine grew stronger for him. I wanted to say.. what if he's doing the best he can in the situation he's in. But I'm the only person in his life who gets the least amount of effort. So I guess I'm just making excuses for him.
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2018 Posted August 29, 2018 He's not appreciative & jealous . . . how many more reasons to you need to walk away?
Author j.ane Posted August 29, 2018 Author Posted August 29, 2018 He's not appreciative & jealous . . . how many more reasons to you need to walk away? I know. But I'm sure you understand how hard it is to convince yourself to do that. I just need a push.
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