Emotionally Draining **Updated**

[Fran20]

It is time to put your big girl pants on and face the cold, hard truth. You are not “together” with this man. He is together with his wife, you are together with your husband, and you meet this man occasionally for sex. At this point, you have an inconsistent relationship with him showing you affection when he wants sex. Otherwise, he dismisses you, belittles and hurts you, and generally makes you feel miserable... more miserable than you already feel in your marriage, I’m sure. It’s time to let go of the fantasy.

 

If your home life is bad, you need to deal with that - as a separate issue. As for the affair, it would seem that your “coping strategy” isn’t working for you any more. Fran, you have some decisions to make about your life. I sincerely hope you are able to find a better path for yourself in the coming year.

 

Spot on correct. I really needed to hear that truth tonight. Thank you. I have a lot of thinking and healing to do and strength to find.

[BaileyB]

Spot on correct. I really needed to hear that truth tonight. Thank you. I have a lot of thinking and healing to do and strength to find.

 

I sincerely wish you well Fran. Keep posting. You have support here.

[Bittersweetie]

I sincerely wish you well Fran. Keep posting. You have support here.

 

I'm sending you strength too, Fran.

[Overtaxed]

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-affairs-are-like-being-double-crossed-in-a-heist/

 

This link is solid gold. It describes something I talk about all the time, your motivations for an A have to be CLEAR and the remuneration has to be easily measured or your going to wind up hurt and upset. If you can't get it directly in the A, you almost certainly are NOT going to get it at all. A's are not like regular relationships; if you're dating a guy and he says "I want to go steady", well, there's a good chance he means that you'll be going steady soon. In an A, those are just words, they have NO meaning at all.

 

The analogy they use in the link posted is perfect. It's like 2 criminals deciding to do a crime together. One of the criminals wants the other to help him knock over a bank (have sex). That criminal says "I'll help you with a heist later" (love you) if you just help me knock over this bank today. This is a clearly bad idea, after all, the person promising to "help you later" (show you love/make you an honest woman/leave H/W, etc) is a known criminal (as are you). The level of trust you ascribe to a normal person simply does not apply to this guy because, well, he's a criminal who's shown, through his actions, that his words are not to be trusted.

 

So, back to the analogy. You better want what's in the first bank (sex) when you kick in the door. Because that's all your likely to get. The love that you really want that's in the 2nd bank (that he promised to help you get)? You're never gonna see that, and that should be obvious by the simple fact that dealing with someone untrustworthy (a criminal). Sex is the only thing you're likely to get, so, if you don't want that, don't commit the heist, no matter how much talk there is about that "2nd bank", you're never going to see it. He's already got someone else lined up for that job, it's dangled out there to get you to do the first job better, not because he actually wants you to join him on the 2nd job.

 

If it's not something tangible, you're almost NEVER going to get it from an A. Anything that's a "promise for later" well.. You might as well write that off, you better want what's actually on the table (sex).

[Fran20]

This is long...and I hope not TMI. I’m not sure if this should be posted in the OW/OM thread or Relationship thread, as it is both concerning my EMA and my marriage. I know I’m going to be criticized for my affair and lying to my H. I know my affair is wrong and should end, but I don’t want it to end and I know that’s wrong but I can’t help it and that doesn’t change my strong feelings for MM.

I feel I need help with me, my life and what to do with my life.

I’m a MW in a long term A (19 months) with a MM. We have expressed our love for one another, talked about our future when we would leave our marriages. After several months we decided we weren’t ready and we couldn’t do that to our families. We both have children the same ages, we live in a small community where our families are well known and friends. We have tried to separate, tried to be LC, tried to not see one another/get together and meet as often but we can’t stop. I think he wants to, more than me. He tries harder than me, but not enough to stay away. I know he loves me, but I know he loves his wife too. I think his marriage is better than mine and that’s why he has more restraint in showing his feelings. He’s very good at compartmentalizing us.

 

Let me tell you about my marriage and history. I am younger than my husband, much younger. Married for over 15 years. My MM is closer to my age. I haven’t had emotional/physical feelings/attraction towards my H for awhile, even since before the A. My H has no affection or desire for fun anymore, he’s pretty closed minded. When my MM first approached me I was very flattered at the idea. Intrigued. I continued talking to him and meeting him because it made me feel so good and wanted. I hadn’t felt that way in years. I had never thought I would be in an affair though. I never imagined being divorced either. I just figured this was my life and I would be stuck here forever. I am the sole caregiver for our children, I take care of everything around the house, our marriage/family is very one sided. My MM has really opened my eyes that life doesn’t have to be that way. He is a very hands on dad & husband. I admit I am very jealous of his wife. She has it good, and doesn’t even realize it. She always expects more from him when she has no clue how much he really does compared to some. He says that’s what pushed him to reach out and have an A.

 

Anyway, since the before the A I was already sleeping in a separate room so intimacy was already almost non existent. My H would ask what was wrong as I got more and more detached but I blew it off as a busy tired mom. He’s very caught up in his work and other things so he barely notices anyway. We co-exist and mostly see each other in passing and communicate very little. Yes, it’s always been a problem but it’s just how he thinks is the norm. I knew it was getting worse because of the strong feelings I was feeling for my MM.

 

Fast forward 6 months into the A and my MIL moved in... fast forward another 6-8 months and is still there. This has caused A LOT more hard feelings and tension between my H and I. Yes, he knows how I feel. Yes, he’s promised to ask her to move out, yes he says he understands my feelings about this situation but yet he still hasn’t done anything about it and I know he won’t. I am at my wits end. I am so detached from my life, family, love that I just want to be alone right now. Well...not alone, but not in my own home. I threatened to move out many times and my younger kids go crazy. They aren’t happy with the situation either but they don’t want to leave their home or their dad. My older kid would resent me for the rest of my life. I know if I leave it doesn’t help the situation with my MM, because he will still be with his BW. I am so stuck in this situation now and I am emotionally drained. I know everyone’s answer is to leave both relationships and work on myself. But I don’t see what can come of that. I lose everything if do that and gain nothing but more heartache. I guess I just continue to go through the motions of life and fake it like I’m still one big happy family.

[BaileyB]

I guess I just continue to go through the motions of life and fake it like I’m still one big happy family.

 

 

I guess there is nothing more that you can do, if you are unwilling to make the hard decisions and set this ship right. Your kids have made the decision for you, your husband won’t ask his mother to leave, and you refuse to give up your affair partner... I don’t know what to say. It’s status quo, I guess.

[Bittersweetie]

All of my previous posts still stand.

 

Fran, if you had taken even a fraction of the energy you spend on AP and spent it on creating a healthy, authentic path for yourself...you would be in a much better place by now!

 

Like I said before: If you are truly that miserable, then make a change in your life. A healthy change, a change that does not hurt innocent people. A productive change, not one that involves lies and secrets. YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU. Instead you are allowing things to happen, then using those things as justification for you affair.

 

I know this because I've done this. I rewrote some of the history of marriage too. All mental gymnastics in order to make my actions "okay." I used some of the choices made in the marriage to tell myself "I really didn't want that" and then used that to justify my actions.

 

As I said before, you have a choice. Do you want to be someone who lies and cheats? Or do you want to be someone who lives honestly and authentically? The latter is path is not easy but I am so, so much in a better place than I ever was in the A.

 

Have you done counseling? You talk about moving out and the kids going crazy, you talk about MIL being there. Maybe talking with a third, uninvolved party will help you sort out a path forward. Or maybe do counseling with your H if you're struggling that much with the marriage and MIL being there (and I get that, I love my MIL, but if she LIVED with us? I'd be heading to the loony bin).

 

My point being: there are so many different, healthier, less hurtful choices you can make to deal with crap in your life than an affair. Please think about making better choices moving forward...for you, for your family, for everyone. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

My point being: there are so many different, healthier, less hurtful choices you can make to deal with crap in your life than an affair. Please think about making better choices moving forward...for you, for your family, for everyone. Good luck.

 

There are so many different, healthier, less hurtful choices you can make to deal with your life - especially considering that you have shared in your previous post that your affair partner runs hot and cold, treats you well when he wants sex and goes no contact when you get too demanding. This is no great love affair that you cling to - it is a coping strategy, and escape from the sad reality of your marriage, and an unhealthy coping strategy at that. It’s not a good long term solution - you will not be able to sustain this, and I think you know that.

 

I’m sorry Fran, it’s not that I don’t have empathy for your situation. It must feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can sense your feeling of despair in your post. But the truth is, you have choices! Your kids are manipulating you to stay in a bad marriage - because you allow them to do that! They will adjust if you decide to leave, as will your husband. And... as has previously been shared, you NEED to let your affair partner go. It just, doesn’t sound like you are ready to do that yet...

 

I hope you are going to counselling... You need to move past this victim mentality and realize that you live the life YOU create! I hope you find the peace and happiness that you seek.

[Fran20]

The worst, most embarrassing day of my life occurred. I had my d-day about a month and a half ago. It’s been a long road that is only just beginning. Never thought it would happen to me. God what a fool I was.

 

MM & I had been chatting all day, things were going well. Was planning on meeting later in the week. He sent me a picture of him drinking. I replied but never got anything back. Not unusual, he was home & busy. I sent him a couple provocative pics of me. Didn’t hear anything back. Several hours had passed, I got a little worried but just figured he was waiting for everyone to go to bed so he could talk. Next thing I know I finally start getting messages from him. Some seemed weird but I knew he was drinking so didn’t think much of it. “He” ask to meet I was hesitant but said ok. I didn’t think he could really get away to meet. All of a sudden “he” says I’m here. Hurry up. That shouldve been a red flag. He doesn’t just show up like that. So I leave my house, kids in bed, H at work, so I walk down the street to see who I thought was him. Ended up being his wife and a relative hiding behind his vehicle. They jump me, no talking, no questioning, just flat out kick & beat me, break my phone & leave me. The wife did say something about his drunk ass being passed out at home. So obviously she got into his phone while he was passed out and was acting like him the entire conversation earlier.

 

They called my H and sent him screenshots of our conversation. I have not spoke to MM since that afternoon. I have no idea what he thinks happened. I do know his wife and relative have shared their own version of what happened and it is portraying me as the worst person in the world. Like it is all my fault, like I stalked and suduced him. He has obviously told them it was all my fault. But what they don’t know is he was in this for 19 months. I did NOT twist his arm and make this up for 19months.

 

I have since filed charges against the 2 who assaulted me. I have had a black & bruised face for 5 weeks, I still have a knot on the side of my head from being punched and kicked. It took me 2 weeks to get up enough courage to file charges. I originally said it’s fine, I deserved it. No I didn’t from the relative at all but I still feel like I did from the wife. Anyway, it’ll be 2 months soon of NC and I have never felt better. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My H and I are in a much better place. We both have realized how bad it had gotten here at home. I am truly sorry for how I hurt him & my family. We are both working on a lot. He has kicked my MIL out and we are working on being present every day in each other’s lives again rather than co-existing in a house. It is getting better and we are happy again finally having fun together again as a couple. I have a long legal road ahead of me but I know as much as I was wrong for the affair, they were just as wrong if not more so to touch me the way they did and I am traumatized everyday by what they did to me.

Thank you all for you’re kind words of advice. If only I would’ve listened. An affair is NEVER the answer.

[mark clemson]

I had not read your story before. My thought is that perhaps it's actually fortunate in a roundabout way that you were assaulted. Possibly this triggered the KISA response in your husband instead of being (rightfully) completely outraged at your betrayal.

 

If this triggers a R between the two of you, consider yourself VERY lucky indeed. You should appreciate him and stay loyal this time.

[anika99]

So you had a 19 month affair, your husband found out 1 1/2 months ago and now your marriage is all improved and your husband is happy? That's amazing! Actually it sound like a lot of rug sweeping and blame shifting to me. I suspect your husband hasn't found his anger yet but it's coming. When it happens let's hope he talks to you instead of going and having his own affair or doing something even worse.

[Dreamer2017]

After you gotten beat up and dumped by your AP, and now your decide you are working on your family. You own your husband and family an enormous apology. Do you understand how gracious a husband you have? You have treated him with a lack of respect for a number of years by given another man all the love and affection you should've given to him.

 

I have one question to ask you. When you look into the eyes of your husband and family (knowing what they know about your affair), what do you feel.

 

Dreamer

[BTDT2012]

What you have now is the calm before the storm. Did you tell your husband the whole truth?

 

 

 

I am sorry that you were assaulted.

[Zona]

Your husband is most likely still in denial and shock. Once the shock wears off, expect him to become very angry.

 

Have you given him all the details and written out the time-line of the affair? Rug sweeping will come back to bite you eventually.

[Fran20]

So you had a 19 month affair, your husband found out 1 1/2 months ago and now your marriage is all improved and your husband is happy? That's amazing! Actually it sound like a lot of rug sweeping and blame shifting to me. I suspect your husband hasn't found his anger yet but it's coming. When it happens let's hope he talks to you instead of going and having his own affair or doing something even worse.

 

 

Scarcastic and judgemenal much?? We are happy because we’ve found what was missing from our relationship. Neither one of us was connected on any level. Both side tracked by a lot.

No, no rug sweeping or blame shifting. I’ve told him everything. Believe me, he was plenty hurt. No I’m not saying our marriage is all improved but it is getting better.

[Fran20]

After you gotten beat up and dumped by your AP, and now your decide you are working on your family. You own your husband and family an enormous apology. Do you understand how gracious a husband you have? You have treated him with a lack of respect for a number of years by given another man all the love and affection you should've given to him.

 

I have one question to ask you. When you look into the eyes of your husband and family (knowing what they know about your affair), what do you feel.

 

Dreamer

 

Wow, screw you. You don’t know how many times I’ve appoligized to my family. And you don’t know the lack of disrespect he’s shown me over the years by being emotionally unavailable. I feel sorry for what I did. Thank you.

I’m done with this forum. I thought it was a place to come to talk about affairs and outcomes. Guess it’s just a place to come to be judged for having the affair, no real support here.

[Amethyst68]

I don't really sense any regret in your post never mind remorse. I suspect if your MM came back you would go back even after the beating from his BW.

 

As for your BH, there is no doubt he is rugsweeping and I am certain you will not do any of the necessary work to figure out your whys not to mention preventing a replay. Why would you do anything to upset this new fantastic marriage although it's as much of a fantasy as your affair!

[Fran20]

Your husband is most likely still in denial and shock. Once the shock wears off, expect him to become very angry.

 

Have you given him all the details and written out the time-line of the affair? Rug sweeping will come back to bite you eventually.

 

A written out timeline? Is that really necessary to only hurt him worse to go into elaberate detail? I told him truthfully everything he has ask. I have showed him my phone that I have deleted all contact. He reads my text daily. We are more connected now than we have been in years. I’m not saying it’s all sunshine and rainbows only after almost 2 months but it’s getting better each day and we’ve vowed to never let it get bad again.

Maybe he will get angry one day.... if so, I deserve it and I will deal with it.

[BaileyB]

Scarcastic and judgemenal much?? We are happy because we’ve found what was missing from our relationship.

 

I am sorry that you were assaulted Fran, but you are living in dreamland if you think a marriage can turn around in such a short time - after such a tremendous betrayal! IF your husband has taken you back and there has been a miraculous reconciliation, you should absolutely count your lucky stars because, your husband is a better person than most.

[Fran20]

I don't really sense any regret in your post never mind remorse. I suspect if your MM came back you would go back even after the beating from his BW.

 

As for your BH, there is no doubt he is rugsweeping and I am certain you will not do any of the necessary work to figure out your whys not to mention preventing a replay. Why would you do anything to upset this new fantastic marriage although it's as much of a fantasy as your affair!

 

You do not know me or even get half of what I went through with MM being mentally abused by his narssiatic tendencies. No, I want nothing to do with him.

I’m sorry I posted an update, was just trying to help others but this doesn’t seem like the place to help or offer support. Only judgements.

I’m done.

[Dreamer2017]

Fran20,

 

I hope you hang in there. We here at LS want you to understand where you are, what you need to do to help your family heal.

 

You are becoming defensive with our comments. I've believed the defense is based on your own guilt of what you did to your family. We won't sugar coat anything but will help you with some good advice while facing the damage.

 

Dreamer

[Bittersweetie]

I'm sorry you were assaulted, there is absolutely no justification for that and I'm glad you're pressing charges. But actually Fran, I kind of agree with anika. 1.5 months after my d-day my H and I were still in the initial pain of everything...it took us a while to start working through the issues and my A. I understand everyone is different though...have you read about hysterical bonding? I'm wondering if that's playing a part here.

 

My H did request a timeline. He wanted to know details. Some people work through stuff through knowledge. Just a thought.

 

One more thing, something I've said often here on this site in my journey from recovering from an affair...the posts that piss me off the most are the ones touching a nerve I need to examine. Maybe you're not ready to examine it now and that's okay. I hope you can truly focus on your healing, because that work benefits not just you but your marriage as well. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

You do not know me or even get half of what I went through with MM being mentally abused by his narssiatic tendencies. No, I want nothing to do with him.

I’m sorry I posted an update, was just trying to help others but this doesn’t seem like the place to help or offer support. Only judgements.

I’m done.

 

I’m sorry you feel like you are being judged, it’s just so unrealistic what you are posting... a few months ago, you couldn’t imagine ending it with MM while you thought your marriage was a dead end relationship. Your options have now changed, as has your thought process and your future plans, in a very short period of time.

[Naivewomen]

Fran,

Dont get me wrong the wife didnt deserve this betrayal from HER husband but she had no right touching you!! I'm glad you pressed charges. The problem is HER husband and she can't or refuses to see that!! Too bad she doesn't get to hear the real truth. He will lie his way out of it and throw you under the bus!!

 

Hope you are doing okay Fran!! Keep your chin up past her. What she did was a childish maneuver. You could have hit your head on the ground and died!!! All because her wonderful H couldn't control his cheating ways.

 

Read my story it different but eerily similar!!

Sending you hugs!

[Turning point]

I don't think you deserved to be assaulted by anyone. That's just terrible and I think it's important to follow through with the charges you filed. People who respond with violence need to be held accountable.

 

I also can't help but sense in the aftermath that the assault has done the one thing you have been long struggling with - which is to externalize the constant beating you have been giving yourself before and during this affair. In your own words, you suggest that perhaps (at least from the wife) you deserved it. You realize don't you - that with one minor slip they could have ended your life?

 

Your husband had already lost you emotionally, but he is responding with kindness and patience. I understand this because I have children, and however abusive my wife may be - she is still their mother. What people are pointing out (however abruptly, unfortunately) is that your husband's pain is still in the freezer awaiting your safe recovery. That will eventually need to be thawed out.

 

The long term future of your marriage is negotiable. As as you shift from the trial over being physically assaulted to the case of why you persisted for so long in kicking and beating yourself at the expense of your own life and family - I sincerely wish you well.

 

Please try to be as kind and patient with your husband in the coming spring melt of his trauma as he is being with you during this dark winter.

Edited March 19, 2019 by Turning point