Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 You are disappointed. That is understandable but is this really the hill you want to die on? Choose your battles. Seriously be gracious & understanding on this one because then if an evening business opportunity does arise she will be obligated to be understating if your attentions are divided. Good point. Part of what irks me is that she couldn't care less about going to bachelorette party. She only is going so her cousin doesn't get mad at her. I am a "nice guy" who is always understanding and doesn't get outwardly upset. So upsetting me is the easier path for my gf vs upsetting her cousin. IMO a SO or spouse's wishes should take precedent. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 IMO a SO or spouse's wishes should take precedent. Except, in the event of a family wedding when one is required to attend certain family events... There are always things we don't want to do, but we still have to do it. I'm going to a wedding this weekend with my SO for an individual I have never even met... I would rather go to the dentist on the Saturday of a long weekend... But, somethings you have to do what you have to do. Get over it already. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Yes, if there’s a conflict, a SO or spouse's wishes should come first, but only if it’s a bigger deal than a night out for a bachelorette party with family members. I think you’re being a little narrow minded here. This is not about you, or her pushing you away, it’s about reaching a compromise and having a partner who’s understanding and not throwing a fit over little things. Sorry. If my SO gave me a hard time over this, I’d be very upset. You can express your disappointment, but for Christ’s sake, don’t make her stay in (or with you) for the night, and don’t guilt trip her if she goes (which she should). If you MUST, like I said, express your disappointment (but I wouldn’t appreciate that very much either, if I were her), and then let it go. Quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Maybe there is something about relationships which begin as affairs which does not foster the growth of trust and honesty... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 You are in Vegas my friend, surely you can find something to do that night when she goes to the Bachelorette party? ILet her go to the Bachelorette party and go to the wedding - it's just something you have to do.m The wedding and bachelorette party are not in Vegas, it's in another city. We are going to Vegas after the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I've never met the bridge or groom. The only person I know there is my gf's brother. He has 3 small kids and a wife who I am sure is not attending bachelorette party. They will be in for the night by 8:30. I am being unreasonable because I am going on weekend trip with gf, who I do not get to see very often, and she is ditching me the first night we are there? To you, it is a “weekend trip with your girlfriend...” To her, it is a family wedding that you have been asked to attend, as her guest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 The wedding and bachelorette party are not in Vegas, it's in another city. We are going to Vegas after the wedding. Sorry, I misunderstood. Still, take a book, have a nap, or watch Netflix on your iPad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 Yes, if there’s a conflict, a SO or spouse's wishes should come first, but only if it’s a bigger deal than a night out for a bachelorette party with family members. I agree so I guess I'll find out what she thinks is a bigger deal: Spending a weekend away with me (Friday/Saturday with some family time mixed in) as we don't get very much time together OR Going to bachelorette party for a girl she doesn't know well and at the insistence of her bossy cousin. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 IMO a SO or spouse's wishes should take precedent. And this is what it comes down to: IN YOUR OPINION. Your opinion is yours only. She clearly has a different opinion - as is her prerogative. There's no right or wrong here, just difference of opinions. The biggest problem I've seen over your threads about this woman is that you're a 'right fighter'. You see issues in terms of someone being right and someone being wrong. There doesn't seem to be space in your thinking for people simply having different opinions. So anyway, you have your opinion and she has hers. You're not OK with her opinion but you do not have the right to force yours upon her. Which leaves the issue as one of simple incompatibility. So the question you need to ask yourself is "is this a dealbreaker?" If it's not a deal breaker, then for the sake of your sanity, let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I agree so I guess I'll find out what she thinks is a bigger deal: Spending a weekend away with me (Friday/Saturday with some family time mixed in) as we don't get very much time together OR Going to bachelorette party for a girl she doesn't know well and at the insistence of her bossy cousin. You would not be having this "weekend" but for the wedding. The Wedding is ALWAYS the bigger deal. Even if your GF doesn't know the bride well, she knows the cousin & other family members. While you may not get all the time you claim to want with your GF. she gets even less time with the people who will be at the party & wedding. Can't you be generous of spirit toward her? You are carrying on like a spoiled toddler who never learned to share. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 30, 2018 Author Share Posted August 30, 2018 You would not be having this "weekend" but for the wedding. The Wedding is ALWAYS the bigger deal. Even if your GF doesn't know the bride well, she knows the cousin & other family members. While you may not get all the time you claim to want with your GF. she gets even less time with the people who will be at the party & wedding. Can't you be generous of spirit toward her? You are carrying on like a spoiled toddler who never learned to share. I admit I can be insecure and want to get my way like a spoiler toddler - part of it is my DNA and part my past experiences. Truth be told, I will be fine with her going to bachelorette party. I am a big boy. She's a big girl too capable of making her own decisions. I will simply leave it as: I obviously want to spend the night with her and not alone on this trip but it's her decision in what she prefers to do. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I admit I can be insecure and want to get my way like a spoiler toddler - part of it is my DNA and part my past experiences. Truth be told, I will be fine with her going to bachelorette party. I am a big boy. She's a big girl too capable of making her own decisions. I will simply leave it as: I obviously want to spend the night with her and not alone on this trip but it's her decision in what she prefers to do. I don't think it should come as too big a surprise, but insecurity and always wanting things your way are not terribly attractive qualities. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 Look at it this way . . . she may come back to the hotel all randy & ready for action after the bachelorette party. Also in the modern era when they get back from this cruise, the girls may decide they want to keep on partying so you may get a call to join them. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 Truth be told, I will be fine with her going to bachelorette party. I am a big boy. She's a big girl too capable of making her own decisions. I will simply leave it as: I obviously want to spend the night with her and not alone on this trip but it's her decision in what she prefers to do. Hallelujah! Sanity has prevailed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 31, 2018 Author Share Posted August 31, 2018 I don't think it should come as too big a surprise, but insecurity and always wanting things your way are not terribly attractive qualities. I know I need to work on my insecurity but I think it's part of my dna and things have happened before that led to my insecure nature. It's not like a can flip a switch and be Alpha Chad Thundercock and say "whatever gf, do what you want, if you cheat I'll just dump you and find someone better". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted August 31, 2018 Author Share Posted August 31, 2018 Hallelujah! Sanity has prevailed... Yes it's her decision but it doesn't mean I am happy with it. She can choose what she wants to do and I won't be a jerk about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 (edited) I think there's two perspectives at work here. She invited you to this wedding out of courtesy because you are her BF. I'm sure she wouldn't really care that much if you couldn't go. You on the other hand was looking at it as a mini vay cay to be spent together. This was not her intent, it's just a wedding and the consolation prize was a night together in Vegas after. She tried to accommodate, and you tried to accommodate, but you feel like you got the s^&% end of the stick. That's not what relationships are about. Sometime you have to bend a little as plans change. She will make up for it with something else. My husband went on vacation with my brother on our anniversary to a place I wanted to go. Sure I was disappointing but this was something he wanted to do with just my brother. People were telling me I should be pissed off and how could I ever let him get away with it. I let it go because I know he will make up for it and he did. He ended up taking me the following year on our 25th. My advice...it's not worth fretting about because it all works out in the wash anyways. Edited August 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 I know I need to work on my insecurity but I think it's part of my dna and things have happened before that led to my insecure nature. It's not like a can flip a switch and be Alpha Chad Thundercock and say "whatever gf, do what you want, if you cheat I'll just dump you and find someone better". Wouldn't flicking a switch be wonderful! Are you actively working on your insecurity? Are you doing therapy? I would imagine that it could be rather exhausting for you being in near constant overdrive of worry and behaving like a spoiled toddler (your words) to get your way. It can get better. Have you considered that there is a far more mature approach than the "whatever gf....find someone else" one you've suggested here? It's about looking past the individual issue and thinking through the relationship as a whole. It's a simple "are we truly compatible?" question. If the answer is no, then think about if you are contributing to the problem. If no, then it's time to end it. If yes, then get some urgent professional help to help you deal with situations in a more productive manner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 Thanks for the advice everyone. The wedding is a month and half away so lots can happen between now and then. A couple developments over the weekend. 1 - My gf has all along said her cousin's husband is a jerk and it's uncomfortable to stay at her cousin's house. I said let's definitely stay at hotel as I don't want to feel unwelcomed. She agreed or at least didn't object. She then says her cousin will be upset if we don't stay with her. I feel like my gf seems torn between me and her cousin. She doesn't want to upset either of us. I said lets just stay at cousins. 2 - My gf brought up bachelorette party and that I'd just go along with them. I really didn't say much about that. I think I'd feel very weird being part of bachelorette party. more to come I guess Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 My husband went on vacation with my brother on our anniversary to a place I wanted to go. Sure I was disappointing but this was something he wanted to do with just my brother. People were telling me I should be pissed off and how could I ever let him get away with it I have told my gf that we should not excluded each other from trips if the other person wants to go. She agreed. That doesn't mean we will always travel together - I might do a golf trip where she would have no desire to go. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Thanks for the advice everyone. The wedding is a month and half away so lots can happen between now and then. A couple developments over the weekend. 1 - My gf has all along said her cousin's husband is a jerk and it's uncomfortable to stay at her cousin's house. I said let's definitely stay at hotel as I don't want to feel unwelcomed. She agreed or at least didn't object. She then says her cousin will be upset if we don't stay with her. I feel like my gf seems torn between me and her cousin. She doesn't want to upset either of us. I said lets just stay at cousins. 2 - My gf brought up bachelorette party and that I'd just go along with them. I really didn't say much about that. I think I'd feel very weird being part of bachelorette party. more to come I guess Do NOT go to the bachelorette party unless the bride-to-be personally invites you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 Do NOT go to the bachelorette party unless the bride-to-be personally invites you! I agree totally. It would be weird even if she said come along. I think my gf said that bc she knows she doesn't want to exclude me. I am not going to say anything bc I know what will happen. Gf will tell cousin I am joining party. Cousin will throw fit and say no (I can't blame her). Then my gf will have decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I thought the only male in a bachelorette party is the stripper, no? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Many pre-wedding parties are co-ed these days. The last one I went to the girls went out to dinner; the guys went to Top Golf. Then we all met up around 10 pm for drinking & dancing. I would not stay at the cousin's house. If you are willing to be "thrown under the bus" & be the "bad guy" your GF should just tell her cousin that you would prefer to not inconvenience anybody & to stay at the hotel. That is what my husband & I do when somebody invites us to stay over & we don't want to. Works out great because even the pushy people don't want to risk upsetting the half of the couple they don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 I would not stay at the cousin's house. If you are willing to be "thrown under the bus" & be the "bad guy" your GF should just tell her cousin that you would prefer to not inconvenience anybody & to stay at the hotel. That is what my husband & I do when somebody invites us to stay over & we don't want to. Works out great because even the pushy people don't want to risk upsetting the half of the couple they don't know. my gf already told me her cousin will take it personally if we don't stay with her. This cousin doesn't have many friends and has become real clingy with my gf the last couple years. She sends my gf an abnormal amount of texts throughout day and night. Link to post Share on other sites
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