Should I believe him? What do you guys think?

[Iris The Butterfly]

He has shown maturity and respect for you by being honest that he is not able to/interested in taking it to a deeper level and having a serious, committed relationship in the way that you want and the way that he believes you deserve. You are in your 20s? This guy sounds more mature than the 36 year old I was dating. I went through something along the same vein and I am 34. He showed the emotional maturity to communicate with you and to stop contacting you so he wouldn't mislead you.

 

I think he did and does like you and have feelings for you. Please don't doubt that. When things started getting more close or serious he realized that he simply was not in a place where he felt comfortable, even though he was the one initiating and introducing you to family, etc. The same thing happened to me within a week or so prior to my guy saying he wasn't "ready for a relationship right now". He brought up the exclusive talk (so I thought), we both communicated we weren't seeing anyone else, he introduced me to his cousins, we met each others' friends, he even told his mom about me, and indicated that she would really like me, as if we would be meeting, we spent all the holidays together, he was talking about a weekend trip in the future, we spent almost all our free time together, etc. Then he sprung that on me. I get it, it really, really hurts!

 

I think what happened is that he was caught up in the initial rush and excitement and hormones, infatuation, loved spending time with you, but as time went on things started to solidify and become close. Maybe he felt vulnerable. My guy said that once about himself when he started to pull away, that he was in a vulnerable place and wasn't sure if he should be dating me. He had come out of a 4 year relationship and met me 3 months out of it. When things got more serious between us he started to panic I think, and it sounds like that happened here too. It's not that it was a lie, it just became real and they weren't ready for it. You could chalk it up to a lack or drop in interest, sure.... but I think that is too easy to just say as a blanket statement.

 

These guys were honest with us. My guy told me he respects me highly, he cared about me very much, I'm such a catch, a wonderful person, the sweetest girl he's ever dated, a really good woman...how he never had the passion that we have, even with long term relationships, how he loved being with me, making love to me, etc... similar to what your guy probably said or thought about you. That makes it confusing, doesn't it? Like if they thought we are so great and wonderful why on earth would they not want to be with us?! I think because they feel badly because we are so good and have a lot to give to the relationship and they recognize they are limited. Whether it be that he met someone else that he has a crush on, or just wants to be single and play the field, or simply wants to focus on himself, he knows that you have more to give than he does. That doesn't make you less worthy, it makes you the stronger, more available one. My guy told me that his breakup and still feeling heartbroken about the failed relationship was probably preventing him from going deeper with me. And I believe that. It sucks, but whatever it is, they recognize they aren't emotionally available.

 

And in a way you have to look at it as a blessing because it wouldn't be fair to continue on. Truly, I think that once things started solidifying and the bond was established and you got closer, he started to come to grips with reality and the path it was going down. In the beginning stages (couple months) it's easy to get swept up in the romance, passion, lust, hormones, time together. That happened to me. Weeks after we spent the entire week of the holidays together (which was the closest we ever got), he started to pump the brakes. Eventually he disappeared completely, but it took him a long time to pull the plug. He wanted to continue seeing me just the same, but he started creating more distance. I think like your guy, he realized it somewhere along the line but didn't want to stop seeing you and being with you until one day it just bubbled to the surface. He wasn't intentionally leading you on, he genuinely liked being with you. He didn't lie.

 

My guy said he wasn't ready for a relationship right now, he just got out of one, he was still dealing with some old feelings. Sadly, he didn't tell me that until over 3 months or so in, and he kept pursuing dating me for a month or so more, so I was confused. Your guy said the work thing, focusing on gym, etc. I don't think it's a lie, I think there is SOME truth in what they say, but it is mostly an excuse, or a rationalization for why they can't get involved further. In their minds, that's the reason. Maybe there is something else he's not telling you, but I don't think so. Often times we like to think there is someone else because it's easier than accepting the rejection. It may not be about anyone else at all.

 

My advice- don't be friends. My guy asked to be 'friends' at one point and it turns out we still had the same feelings for each other (at least I did) and we continued having sex and I got more and more sad when he wasn't there in the way he used to be. Eventually he left and we never spoke again, that was 5 months ago. I tell myself he did the right thing by leaving and leaving me alone, recognizing that he wasn't able to return what I was bringing to the table, even though he liked me a lot and there were genuine feelings.

Hopefully you will get to that point too. It took me awhile.

 

I'm not sure he will or has contacted you since? How long has it been? I ended up deleting my guy's phone number, blocking him on social media, etc. so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him. I never did. I'm not sure where you stand on that but I would suggest going NC. He probably won't contact you anytime soon, his head is in a certain place. But for your own sake to heal and move on, I strongly recommend erasing the opportunity to reach out to him. You just have to let him go.

[Desesperado]

I’m doing my best to just keep it moving so to speak but I feel sad. It’s still fresh for me. He had more time to process it and I kind of was shocked. I’m so scared he’s just gonna turn around and go on bumble and find and talk to someone else even though he specifically said he was not going to do that. It shows someone’s distance when they have been active so it gave me some anxiety last night. I know he didn’t string me along which even he said I should at least appreciate that which I mean I do.

 

I don't get that mentality you have and many women do, who ruminate on things they'll likely not know, doesn't change the ending and you have no effect on anyway !?

 

So and if he'd find someone else in a few weeks, what difference does it make to you, you can't be with him you have to move on, sorry it's tough but all these thoughts you have, don't matter in the end.

You take the good facts, that he cared, respected you and acknowledged you being a great woman, it didn't work you still had nice times and you learn to get better next time, that's all that matters.

 

Letting go is key, took me years to get there but that's the only way, not to get crazy.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Desesperado