Leaving an affair is more painful than staying in one

[Mizz Layta]

UPDATE

 

So MM send me text yesterday and said he understand and if I ever want to see him again ,to text him. I'm trying to stay strong but miss him. At the same time I can't cave back in

 

 

This so hard...my heart wants to see him again but my head doesn't

[Vivir]

Mizz Layta, it seems to me that your MM is goading you to rethink your decision, like a taunt. Like he is saying to you, Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, once I close this door, I am never coming back.

 

I was met with similar goading. And don't you think for a second that I didn't consider turning back. I remember being so afraid. Afraid that I would never hear from him again. Afraid of the uncertainty. Afraid he wouldn't come back for me. Afraid that after all of this he really didn't love me the way I loved him. Going back meant I would have some of him at least some of the time. We could work out the details later.

 

I remember digging my nails into my skin as he told me he wouldn't come back. Here was my chance to stop this silly charade and get my lover back! But. I had made a promise to myself that I could NOT go back into an affair situation, as that was all he wanted to offer me. I was so afraid. But I had already made it past the point where being with him in the affair hurt ten times worse than being without him completely. It also helped that we had been mostly NC for about three months when he said this to me (he had even called from an unknown number).

 

Have you made it to the point where it hurts more to be in the affair than to be without him? None of us can make it to that point for you. Only you can know when you make it there. Still, making the move to be finished with it will hurt like nothing else. And you'll have to fight through that pain and sadness.

 

Where you are, though, is a point of no return, in my opinion. If you turn back, he will know beyond a doubt that he can get away with anything where you are concerned. He can do anything, and you will be OK with it - well, you might not be OK, but you won't kick him out of your life either. If you let the door hit him in the face as you walk away, you'll retain some of your dignity and you can begin to rebuild yourself from there. When I ended things, that extremely tiny piece of dignity was the only thing I had to hold on to.

 

The ball is in your court.

[Heartwoman]

I can relate and that is likely why ending it has been so hard for me. I’m afraid to go through the pain. I realized more recently that i avoid anything and everything emotionally painful. I always have. That may be why I’m still in an unhappy marriage or why I have yet to grieve the death of my grandmother who was like a mother to me.

My affair is nowhere near happy. He makes me feel awful about myself. I feel inferior to him, I feel physically unattractive around him because of what he says about my appearance. I doubt myself because of how he twists my words. Anytime I talk to him I don’t feel good about myself. But I hold onto his attention as it’s the only thing in the world. So that leaves me to question, is ending it really more painful than staying? Likely not but my heart says it will be.

Grass-hopper I'm in a very similar place, my affair has had enough of me too. I should be the one leaving him but I don't same with my marraige. I just feel so worthless like you too I can't deal with painful emotions.

[jah526]

I can relate and that is likely why ending it has been so hard for me. I’m afraid to go through the pain. I realized more recently that i avoid anything and everything emotionally painful. I always have. That may be why I’m still in an unhappy marriage or why I have yet to grieve the death of my grandmother who was like a mother to me.

My affair is nowhere near happy. He makes me feel awful about myself. I feel inferior to him, I feel physically unattractive around him because of what he says about my appearance. I doubt myself because of how he twists my words. Anytime I talk to him I don’t feel good about myself. But I hold onto his attention as it’s the only thing in the world. So that leaves me to question, is ending it really more painful than staying? Likely not but my heart says it will be.

 

grass-hopper, yours sounds so much like mine. He made me feel terrible about myself but I kept going back in an effort to win his (worthless) approval. Some people have to put others down in order to feel good about themselves. This is abusive behavior, in my opinion.

 

I've been out over a year now, and yes, it hurt like crazy when I first left and I kept wanting to go back. If you can get over that initial hump, things will smooth out and you will go back to feeling normal.

[Zahara]

I'm trying to stay strong but miss him.

 

What do you miss about him? When you make that statement -- try sitting back and analyzing that thought/comment and focus on what it really means. Do you really miss him or are you romanticizing/idealizing him and what you had with him? This is where you start to reprogram your heart and mind. You need to change your thought patterns. Do you actually miss him never being there for you? Do you miss him dragging you into the bushes to have sex? Do you miss him never taking you out? Do you miss him always leaving you after sex? So, focus on what you miss and see what you come up with.

 

Write down all the bad you shared with him. When you heart feels low, read your words. Dig deep and face the reality of what you truly meant to him. Then write down a list of what an ideal relationship or an ideal partner/man would be for you. When you feel bad, pull both lists and read. Compare lists and you'll start to see how little you've settled for.

 

You miss the idea of being loved and cared for. You miss the attention of a man. You're looking for all of those qualities in the wrong place. He's never going to be that person to you -- HE HAS NEVER BEEN THAT PERSON.

 

If you truly want to move away from him and start rebuilding your self-esteem and realizing your value -- block him. You have to start realizing you deserve so much more than this and truly want better for yourself. Stop leaving yourself open to his communication.

Edited August 27, 2018 by Zahara

[Mizz Layta]

What do you miss about him? When you make that statement -- try sitting back and analyzing that thought/comment and focus on what it really means. Do you really miss him or are you romanticizing/idealizing him and what you had with him? This is where you start to reprogram your heart and mind. You need to change your thought patterns. Do you actually miss him never being there for you? Do you miss him dragging you into the bushes to have sex? Do you miss him never taking you out? Do you miss him always leaving you after sex? So, focus on what you miss and see what you come up with.

 

Write down all the bad you shared with him. When you heart feels low, read your words. Dig deep and face the reality of what you truly meant to him. Then write down a list of what an ideal relationship or an ideal partner/man would be for you. When you feel bad, pull both lists and read. Compare lists and you'll start to see how little you've settled for.

 

You miss the idea of being loved and cared for. You miss the attention of a man. You're looking for all of those qualities in the wrong place. He's never going to be that person to you -- HE HAS NEVER BEEN THAT PERSON.

 

If you truly want to move away from him and start rebuilding your self-esteem and realizing your value -- block him. You have to start realizing you deserve so much more than this and truly want better for yourself. Stop leaving yourself open to his communication.

 

 

Perhaps I'm just lonely and the guy I you MISS so much... is not him, it's the guy I wanted him to be the guy I wished he could be. I actually hated meeting a bush and would have prefer to have sex in a bed but he wasn't willing to put that fourth effort.

I will just give myself time to get over the initial bump

Edited August 27, 2018 by Mizz Layta

[jenkins95]

"Leaving an affair is more painful than staying in one"

 

I thought I would be happier but I find letting him go is more painful than staying and deal with daily frustration of being the OW.I find myself thinking about him all the time and missing him even though the relationship was unhealthy and my needs were not being met? I feel an urge to go back to him but I won't act on my feelings

 

Can anyone related

 

Yes! But don't worry - it won't last.

 

You will have to endure a few months at rock bottom I'm afraid. But it will be onwards and upwards after that. Just stick with it - 100% dedication and discipline. it will be worth it!

 

Just give your heart time to recover, your hormones a chance to re-balance and your brain a chance to re-wire itself (you can tell I'm a biologist right? - but it's true - it's very similar to a drug addiction.)

 

I had an affair and was still a mess after 6 months. Three years later, I am a different person. I learned how to smile again! You will too. Good luck (((Mizz Layta))) - thinking of you, keep us informed.

[Hurtingmuch]

Yes, it is true. In fact, I a currently on nc with my Affair for almost a month now. I think, this will be the end of our affair because he did something unacceptable to me. I couldn’t get myself to desire him again after what happened. I think the best way to approach this is to find something negative about the person and work from there to emotionally cut him off. It’s hard and part of me doesn’t wanna let go, but it’s for the best.

[Angelica21]

Dear Mizz_Layta,

 

You did the correct thing to end the A.

 

It's normal to experience an adjustment period after you end an affair.

 

It sounds like you are dedicated to getting through your rough time, and continue the No Contact (NC).

 

Going back to your original post: you made the correct choice to end the A. Then you learned that the process of getting over the A is difficult, but you are going to get yourself through the difficult time.

 

Stay strong, you're doing the correct thing.

 

Each day will get better.

[Ronco]

Stay strong on this. I had a semi A w an ex who has a gf. He reached out after but I am not contacting and moving away from it. It's weirdly painful to miss him but when I feel this way, I talk to myself and understand that he is an ass and doesn't deserve my missing him. Your MM doesn't deserve you and I agree that he is goading you to get back for sex. Stay away and try to meeting someone new and interesting who will make you forget you were ever in this situation.

 

Good luck

[Vivir]

These two paragraphs resonate with me, too:

 

I am not sure your assumption is true. Maybe I’m an outlier but I’ve put up with lots of crap in other relationships too. Probably has a lot to do with low self-esteem and poor boundaries.

 

The other thing, in my case, the MM was a very good-looking guy and I was incredibly attracted to him. To be honest, he was out of my league. After so long without anyone, to have someone interested in me like that, it was addictive. I’m not proud of it, but that’s how it was.

 

I am not entirely sure xMM was playing mind games with me; I could argue for and against; however, there had to be quite a bit of lying going on just to keep up the double life he had been living... he did not treat me like a side piece (he was nice to me, he behaved as if he wanted to be around me, he called and wanted to see me ALL of the time), especially in the beginning... in fact, in the beginning, it mirrored the start of a regular getting-to-know-you romantic relationship. His behavior was so much better than the other crap I had been putting up with from single guys (who were actually quite terrible really)... I really hope to convey how this led to my experiencing extreme cognitive dissonance... but then...

 

I had been out of a relationship for so long and hadn't interacted with many people (male or female) and I had been awkward and super naive... even at my age (not supposed to be "young and dumb" I mean)... I didn't know what relationships looked like. Does that sound like an excuse?

Well, it is my truth. These are the factors that contributed to my having participated in an affair.

 

It wasn't until I started recognizing that I wanted more and he wasn't giving more and then I started reading here and I came to many more realizations that were incredibly painful to realize, to process, to come to terms with... that I had been a fool, that my behavior exhibited foolishness... that my actions will always be a part of my past, that future relationships may end if/when I disclose my past, etc...

 

anyway, I am rambling. I said all of that to say that I concur with jah...

Edited September 5, 2018 by Vivir

[ice3784]

I can definitely relate. I was going to start a thread of my own, but I saw yours.

 

My family has reached their capacity in dealing with my thoughts and questions about the ending of my affair. We have a one year old son and MM has just dropped us both.

 

There are days when I feel okay, and I am glad I don't have to wait to hear from MM. Other days, I feel hopeless. I know that even beyond our relationship being an affair, he was abusive, but there are days that I can't remember the bad and I only miss him.

 

My sister called me desperate for wanting to understand how MM can treat me and our son the way that he does. She said that I should just accept that he doesn't want me or our son and move on. It's not that simple, and I guess people who haven't experienced it can't understand.

 

I know the feelings are complex. You aren't alone. I hope that it gets better for both of us.

 

i feel the same. looking forward for my day to come. heart has died for this man just im stuck with him. thats all.

[lilacwine]

Yes, it is true. In fact, I a currently on nc with my Affair for almost a month now. I think, this will be the end of our affair because he did something unacceptable to me. I couldn’t get myself to desire him again after what happened. I think the best way to approach this is to find something negative about the person and work from there to emotionally cut him off. It’s hard and part of me doesn’t wanna let go, but it’s for the best.

 

Can you share the thing he did that you considered Unacceptable?