What’s to going on here?

[Hockey52]

I don't think so, and I'll explain why: you might not want to be with your ex anymore and have accepted it's over. I do believe you on that. But, the bruise of the break-up has not yet gone away to the point that you are not extremely sensitive to a perceived rejection (key word is perceived, since there is no confirmation yet) and projecting all of your hurt onto this specific situation.

 

You are always going to find people, places and events that trigger your anxiety and upset you. Dating is inherently risky, since it's not always going to result in a relationship. The problem here is that you have no clue how to manage your anxiety without slipping into these angry and ultimately self-destructive rants. That is what you need to focus on - dealing with uncertainty and possible disappointment.

 

It would also be a good idea to work on your self-esteem. My assumption is that you don't feel good about yourself so you become very upset when someone (maybe) just doesn't take the same interest in you that you do in her. It happens, but someone with solid self-worth would say, "Well, that sucked, but at least it was only 4 dates and I can move on."

 

Yeah I don’t feel good about self, I feel like I have been beaten down and I tbh I feel worthless at times at what I’m doing wrong when I see everyone else who doesn’t have near the success I have education etc wise but there having a relationship and they got nothing going for them. I’m very mature for my age and I keep having disappointment. It’s not about rejection it’s about how they nip pick every little flaw when i see her flaws but I don’t say anything because I’m trying to see who she is.. by saying I don’t know what I want afterr I introduced her to one of my friends we went on a double date, she’s always saying I pay for her and she paid now twice it made me feel okay she wants it. When I asked a simple question that was valid she didn’t know how to say it abojt how she felt.. I don’t get it, now I don’t even feel like going out wth her because I know she isn’t fully in ... it bothers me

[coolheadal]

It’s a photo of myself that’s all.. But I texted her I said

 

Hey, How’s your day been? I’m Sorry if I sounded too strong yesterday. I was just wondering that you seemed a little off. And I sensed you had something on your mind too. I’m glad you were able to tell me. Because communication is very important to me. I may seemed a little bit pushy but I do agree I definitely think we should give it some time, like you said. But I just wanted to make sure if we were on the same level.

 

She said to me “Good stayed home today. Wasn’t feeling good. And I’m glad you asked because I didn’t know how to bring it up to you. You weren’t pushy. I understood where you were coming from.

 

So what do you think here?

 

She seems hesitant to date again!

[coolheadal]

Yeah I don’t feel good about self, I feel like I have been beaten down and I tbh I feel worthless at times at what I’m doing wrong when I see everyone else who doesn’t have near the success I have education etc wise but there having a relationship and they got nothing going for them. I’m very mature for my age and I keep having disappointment. It’s not about rejection it’s about how they nip pick every little flaw when i see her flaws but I don’t say anything because I’m trying to see who she is.. by saying I don’t know what I want afterr I introduced her to one of my friends we went on a double date, she’s always saying I pay for her and she paid now twice it made me feel okay she wants it. When I asked a simple question that was valid she didn’t know how to say it abojt how she felt.. I don’t get it, now I don’t even feel like going out wth her because I know she isn’t fully in ... it bothers me

 

She's the one with the problem not you. Don't beat yourself up over her. I told you what to say to her. This way you would know for sure. Now how to say it would be. I understand you might be a little hesitant with me but rest a sure you would never been hurt by me never as I promise you that much. But saying that to you right now I think when your ready to go out again with me let me know? Hopefully I am free to do so. Goodbye for now!

 

This should wrap-up all doubts because she clearly not stating anything to you. Other than some nonsense chatting.. Like she's unsure of things. Might be the fact she doesn't want to see or date anyone. Yet everyone tells you otherwise she does. That's why you have to say that above to her so she can think now before she drags this out longer. I wouldn't take her out again. Until she shows with expression and touch. Your not even getting that now.

Edited August 14, 2018 by coolheadal

[Hockey52]

She's the one with the problem not you. Don't beat yourself up over her. I told you what to say to her. This way you would know for sure. Now how to say it would be. I understand you might be a little hesitant with me but rest a sure you would never been hurt by me never as I promise you that much. But saying that to you right now I think when your ready to go out again with me let me know? Hopefully I am free to do so. Goodbye for now!

 

Yeah she is the one with the problem, and I guess I can say that. Not sure what made her change. Am I not allowed to ask a harmless question abojt how I’m feeling because she was acting odd I have never seen a person go on 4 dates and no hug no notning. That’s all I’m getting at she agrees with me but not sure if I should ask her again ..

[coolheadal]

Yeah she is the one with the problem, and I guess I can say that. Not sure what made her change. Am I not allowed to ask a harmless question abojt how I’m feeling because she was acting odd I have never seen a person go on 4 dates and no hug no notning. That’s all I’m getting at she agrees with me but not sure if I should ask her again ..

 

No you shouldn't ask her again? Who told you about her your friend right. Tell him to ask his FG to as this woman what's her deal because your not getting anything from her.

 

First date

Interest

Maybe a Kiss

Maybe a Hug

Maybe holding hands

 

First date varies between people.

Second date

Third date

Fourth date

 

Even by the second date you still not getting anything you can hold on too. This is where the problem is. She knows what she's doing but not showing or giving you any hope. Do not take her out again. Do not text or call. If you want to find out anything ask you friend and have his FG talk to her. Fiancee Girlfriend or Sister whoever she is to him. You need to know if this girl is worth your time and space. It's almost like she dogging you in a way. Take her out and nothing from it except Hi and goodbye.

[Hockey52]

No you shouldn't ask her again? Who told you about her your friend right. Tell him to ask his FG to as this woman what's her deal because your not getting anything from her.

 

First date

Interest

Maybe a Kiss

Maybe a Hug

Maybe holding hands

 

First date varies between people.

Second date

Third date

Fourth date

 

Even by the second date you still not getting anything you can hold on too. This is where the problem is. She knows what she's doing but not showing or giving you any hope. Do not take her out again. Do not text or call. If you want to find out anything ask you friend and have his FG talk to her. Fiancee Girlfriend or Sister whoever she is to him. You need to know if this girl is worth your time and space. It's almost like she dogging you in a way. Take her out and nothing from it except Hi and goodbye.

 

Exactly, finally someone understands my frustration it feels like she is playing me around holding her power with me knowing or thinking I will still ask her out again. I will try to ask my friend again when I see him and see what he says to me because it’s quite odd. I know 4 dates isn’t a lot but it’s enough to possibly know what you’re doing now you passed the stage of thinking if you want to see the person..

[Juha]

I would not bother with this girl anymore. I would tell her what was said above and be gone, leave it in her court. tell her I like you, like going out with you but want to date someone who likes and wants to date me so if/when you figure things out about dating me get in touch otherwise I wish you the best.

 

You may want to talk with your friend and his gf about her sister and ask what is her issue if she likes you as they say as you feel like she is wasting your time, playing games

 

This woman sounds damaged, very closed off and rigid. You do not want to date women who are emotionally damaged like this. Don't know what happened with her last relationship but whatever the guy did to her had a big effect on her. Ask her sister what happened in that relationship

 

I wish you luck in meeting someone who is healthy and worth it

[ExpatInItaly]

You may want to talk with your friend and his gf about her sister and ask what is her issue if she likes you as they say as you feel like she is wasting your time, playing games

 

This woman sounds damaged, very closed off and rigid. You do not want to date women who are emotionally damaged like this. Don't know what happened with her last relationship but whatever the guy did to her had a big effect on her. Ask her sister what happened in that relationship

 

With all respect to Juha, I would strongly encourage you not to do the bolded, OP. You don't know her very well. It's not your business what happened in her previous relationship, and it won't be a good look to go prying from her sister. If she has a hard time opening up, and finds out you went asking around, whatever door might have still been open will slam shut.

 

Just leave it be. The girl is allowed to not be interested without having to explain a sore point in her past.

 

She knows where to find you if she wants to keep this going.

[Hockey52]

With all respect to Juha, I would strongly encourage you not to do the bolded, OP. You don't know her very well. It's not your business what happened in her previous relationship, and it won't be a good look to go prying from her sister. If she has a hard time opening up, and finds out you went asking around, whatever door might have still been open will slam shut.

 

Just leave it be. The girl is allowed to not be interested without having to explain a sore point in her past.

 

She knows where to find you if she wants to keep this going.

 

What boggles my mind she said it was up to me if I wanted to continue this? How is it my decision when I’m still in it asking WHY she is distant? That’s what I told her I’m different words I said no it’s up to you she’s the one “undecided” which hurts me and pisses me off. That’s why I don’t even feel like asking her out regardless if it’s only been 4 dates you shouldn’t be saying that if you starting to like someone and possibly have a relationship...? Am I wrong or right ?

[ChatroomHero]

My experience is situations like this are not usually worth it. You become pen pals and someone loses interest. After a while of being basically text buddies it doesn't progress.

 

 

It could be low interest on her part, messed up from her ex, not ready to date...whatever. It might just be a timing thing, where if you met her a year later she'd be into it and things would go great, but right now she's slow walking you and probably to the friend zone. Attraction comes and goes and I find if it doesn't build in a somewhat normal manner during dating, it's never a good outcome.

 

 

I also judge people on what they do and how they act today, not how I think they may act at some undetermined point in the future. If she is hard to get to know and not easy to date in person today, more than likely in 6 months or a year, she will be the same person and you will be in the same spot.

[Hockey52]

My experience is situations like this are not usually worth it. You become pen pals and someone loses interest. After a while of being basically text buddies it doesn't progress.

 

 

It could be low interest on her part, messed up from her ex, not ready to date...whatever. It might just be a timing thing, where if you met her a year later she'd be into it and things would go great, but right now she's slow walking you and probably to the friend zone. Attraction comes and goes and I find if it doesn't build in a somewhat normal manner during dating, it's never a good outcome.

 

 

I also judge people on what they do and how they act today, not how I think they may act at some undetermined point in the future. If she is hard to get to know and not easy to date in person today, more than likely in 6 months or a year, she will be the same person and you will be in the same spot.

 

We won’t be friends she knows my intentions and she has the same she said, we’re not pen pals we have seen each other 4 times within 3 weeks ish. I just have my concerns like I said

[coolheadal]

We won’t be friends she knows my intentions and she has the same she said, we’re not pen pals we have seen each other 4 times within 3 weeks ish. I just have my concerns like I said

 

She's acting like she doesn't care about your feelings or what your looking for she's pretty much doing her own needs. You are there just to take her out and buy her food to eat. That's not what you want. She knows it so she keeps stringing you along, and to the point you don't know where you stand. I would stand-up and say enough I have better things to do with my take then to wait on you to make up your mind to where going next. Leave and don't look back. She's playing mind games. Who know what happen with the last guy she dated. If she acted like this no wonder it ended. Hockey52 just don't think about it. If she wants to talk things over with you then she needs to do it if not move on. She's not worth it anymore. Really 4 days in 3 weeks and she can't show any emotion or love or even a kiss. Come on now that's weird to say the least.

[Hockey52]

She's acting like she doesn't care about your feelings or what your looking for she's pretty much doing her own needs. You are there just to take her out and buy her food to eat. That's not what you want. She knows it so she keeps stringing you along, and to the point you don't know where you stand. I would stand-up and say enough I have better things to do with my take then to wait on you to make up your mind to where going next. Leave and don't look back. She's playing mind games. Who know what happen with the last guy she dated. If she acted like this no wonder it ended. Hockey52 just don't think about it. If she wants to talk things over with you then she needs to do it if not move on. She's not worth it anymore. Really 4 days in 3 weeks and she can't show any emotion or love or even a kiss. Come on now that's weird to say the least.

 

That’s what I feel like she doesn’t care ? I know she maybe confused or take time to open up but it’s been enough times to at least to get a picture of the person. It is weird I agree. She pays for my food tho twice now saying I paid enough so that gives me curve ball... she wants to pay most of the time? Anyway I don’t know much about the last guy but I heard they argued a lot and he left her.

[Hockey52]

That’s what I feel like she doesn’t care ? I know she maybe confused or take time to open up but it’s been enough times to at least to get a picture of the person. It is weird I agree. She pays for my food tho twice now saying I paid enough so that gives me curve ball... she wants to pay most of the time? Anyway I don’t know much about the last guy but I heard they argued a lot and he left her.

 

Today she has been messaging only one lines or very little I don’t get..

[coolheadal]

That’s what I feel like she doesn’t care ? I know she maybe confused or take time to open up but it’s been enough times to at least to get a picture of the person. It is weird I agree. She pays for my food tho twice now saying I paid enough so that gives me curve ball... she wants to pay most of the time? Anyway I don’t know much about the last guy but I heard they argued a lot and he left her.

 

Wait, did you say she paid for your food? That right there tells me she's into you as a friend, buddy, but then you said otherwise she knew what you wanted was more than a friend. That's where she stopped at with you. So in a way you have no clue what she's doing but she does. But now you said the other guy argued a lot and left her. When they leave the woman you have to wonder what she did to cause her man to leave her? That could be you in a few weeks or months or even a year or two. She might have some issues you don't really know about yet. She's not lovey dovey with you at all not even on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th day yet she's paying for your food!! Ouch she's your gal friend not your girl friend she's just hanging out. Wow she should be more honest with you then and she's not. Well you make it clear you are not into her as friends only. She can pay for everything then but what would you get out of this just food and no lovey dovey from her ....

[Hockey52]

Wait, did you say she paid for your food? That right there tells me she's into you as a friend, buddy, but then you said otherwise she knew what you wanted was more than a friend. That's where she stopped at with you. So in a way you have no clue what she's doing but she does. But now you said the other guy argued a lot and left her. When they leave the woman you have to wonder what she did to cause her man to leave her? That could be you in a few weeks or months or even a year or two. She might have some issues you don't really know about yet. She's not lovey dovey with you at all not even on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th day yet she's paying for your food!! Ouch she's your gal friend not your girl friend she's just hanging out. Wow she should be more honest with you then and she's not. Well you make it clear you are not into her as friends only. She can pay for everything then but what would you get out of this just food and no lovey dovey from her ....

 

 

Yeah I have no idea, she paid for my food twice 2 dates I a row she wouldn’t let me pay as she said I paid the last few times it’s my turn? And I’m not sure exactly what happened and yeah I’m very confused I kinda don’t want to bring it up again.. today she’s busy but the texts are so dry I’m struggling to keep it alive so I went dry just now to see... ugh

[Juha]

With all respect to Juha, I would strongly encourage you not to do the bolded, OP. You don't know her very well. It's not your business what happened in her previous relationship, and it won't be a good look to go prying from her sister. If she has a hard time opening up, and finds out you went asking around, whatever door might have still been open will slam shut.

 

Just leave it be. The girl is allowed to not be interested without having to explain a sore point in her past.

 

She knows where to find you if she wants to keep this going.

 

True, don't know what I was thinking. lol That is not what you should do, talk with your friend about it and leave it at that.

[Hockey52]

True, don't know what I was thinking. lol That is not what you should do, talk with your friend about it and leave it at that.

 

I haven’t seen my friend today and I don’t want to bother him texting about it to him. I don’t know what gotten into her but I know she’s busy today but she’s very dry in texting now and doesn’t really ask about me like before so more and more she’s doing it to herself and pushing me away .. I really don’t know what to do here other than asking if we can talk in person because I can’t be in the middle ...

[Juha]

Did not see she paid for your food. Sounds like she is just acting as a friend/buddy. Yet she knows that is not what you want but keeps in contact.

 

She is not being very forthcoming with where she is at concerning you.

Time to drop this girl from your life. No asking her out, no more texting, no contact...

[Hockey52]

Did not see she paid for your food. Sounds like she is just acting as a friend/buddy. Yet she knows that is not what you want but keeps in contact.

 

She is not being very forthcoming with where she is at concerning you.

Time to drop this girl from your life. No asking her out, no more texting, no contact...

 

She told me she needs to get comfortable around me and it will take time? I don’t know what to do ugh she is nice and all but she recently isn’t showing me the same interest or respect..

[Hockey52]

Did not see she paid for your food. Sounds like she is just acting as a friend/buddy. Yet she knows that is not what you want but keeps in contact.

 

She is not being very forthcoming with where she is at concerning you.

Time to drop this girl from your life. No asking her out, no more texting, no contact...

 

She told me because I offered to pay again she said no no it’s my turn because I paid for the movies etc..

[coolheadal]

She told me because I offered to pay again she said no no it’s my turn because I paid for the movies etc..

 

How long will it take for her to get comfortable around her? Why are you not leading instead of her doing it. Now it's all in her court. She paying for you meals if it was your HBD then I can understand that. If it was your AVRS then I can understand that. But you two are so new together. When the last time I was out with such a woman she wanted to go dutch but she ended up playing for the both of us. She made it perfectly clear we are just friends.

 

This is your friend, the next step is to get comfortable with you. What happens after that is a good guess? If you don't mine the wait go right ahead and wait for her. If you don't have anyone else on your plate right now you can. No matter what you two a buddies until it gets physical.

[Juha]

She told me she needs to get comfortable around me and it will take time? I don’t know what to do ugh she is nice and all but she recently isn’t showing me the same interest or respect..

 

I am going to say what I said before, that this girl is damaged and has emotional issues with how she is treating you.

 

The "I need time to be comfortable with you" is a defense for her from getting too close with you or anyone else.

 

You have a couple of options here:

 

Keep trying to date this girl and hope at some point she lets her wall down, thing is you could be wasting weeks, months, even years as she is damaged.

 

If you do try to date her I would suggest you date others and find someone else who is great that you are into and like.

 

Last option is to cut complete ties with this girl. Have nothing to do with her, no contact at all. Talk with her one last time, in person, let her know exactly where you stand and how you feel about her. How you would like to really try to date her and see where it goes and if she decides to really date you and give it a chance and let her walls down to get in touch...

[Hockey52]

I am going to say what I said before, that this girl is damaged and has emotional issues with how she is treating you.

 

The "I need time to be comfortable with you" is a defense for her from getting too close with you or anyone else.

 

You have a couple of options here:

 

Keep trying to date this girl and hope at some point she lets her wall down, thing is you could be wasting weeks, months, even years as she is damaged.

 

If you do try to date her I would suggest you date others and find someone else who is great that you are into and like.

 

Last option is to cut complete ties with this girl. Have nothing to do with her, no contact at all. Talk with her one last time, in person, let her know exactly where you stand and how you feel about her. How you would like to really try to date her and see where it goes and if she decides to really date you and give it a chance and let her walls down to get in touch...

 

 

I would like to try to meet with her again and talk it over in person because I know it’s only been 4 dates and yes I heard she is emotional. But by the 4th things should be excelling not saying I don’t know wha it want? She barely texted me today so far she is busy with a school assignment and she hasn’t answered me yet, but I would like to see if she says good morning to me like before and maybe I’ll ask her to meet up tomorrow..

[Hockey52]

How long will it take for her to get comfortable around her? Why are you not leading instead of her doing it. Now it's all in her court. She paying for you meals if it was your HBD then I can understand that. If it was your AVRS then I can understand that. But you two are so new together. When the last time I was out with such a woman she wanted to go dutch but she ended up playing for the both of us. She made it perfectly clear we are just friends.

 

This is your friend, the next step is to get comfortable with you. What happens after that is a good guess? If you don't mine the wait go right ahead and wait for her. If you don't have anyone else on your plate right now you can. No matter what you two a buddies until it gets physical.

 

What do you mean by leading ?