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I texted too much...how to recover


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Posted
Thank you for the recommendation. I’m already 32. I’m going to be alone forever. I just need to learn to be happy with myself.

 

OP, self-loathing can very evident to others, even if you never outwardly express how your feel about yourself.

 

It's possible that the women you date pick up on that and don't know what to do with it. They might not know what's causing your very tentative behaviour and insecure mindset, but it's hard to work with when you're trying to get to know someone. In this particular case, you've been so sure that this woman doesn't really like you that you have backed away from her several times and talked yourself out of really doing much to move this forward.

 

It doesn't appear that you're really doing much to address your underlying fear and anxiety though. You're more comfortable wallowing and criticising yourself.

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Posted

Trust me, if I could get out of my own skin and be someone else who thinks a different way, I would. I’m sure you’re correct about what you’re saying. I just don’t know how to think differently and act like a different person

Posted
Thank you for the recommendation. I’m already 32. I’m going to be alone forever. I just need to learn to be happy with myself.

 

Your life is up to you no one else.

 

Having a defeatist mentality isn't helping you.

 

Living alone makes you independent. Women like strength, men who stand on their own.

 

That's a plus not a minus.

 

Key on that for a change

Posted
Trust me, if I could get out of my own skin and be someone else who thinks a different way, I would. I’m sure you’re correct about what you’re saying. I just don’t know how to think differently and act like a different person

 

If this has been a recurrent issue in your life and is impairing your ability to really connect with potential partners, have you considered counseling?

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Posted

I should try councling. My last couple of messages are a bit dramatic and probably not a completely accurate representation of my mental place, rather they are a good representation of my worst possible mental state.

 

I do know that I have trouble connecting with people. I come from a family with happily married parents (as I stated before) but to be quite honest, maybe I’m lying to myself about that.

 

My father could be abusive and my mother was overly caring and loving. I think it’s likely that I didn’t learn healthy emotional boundaries growing up because my dad was always maintaining a dictator type stance over me. I was always afreaid of him. My mother was always consoling me and trying to make me feel better. When she would defend me to him, he would threaten her and she would back down.

 

I turned out to be like my mom in that I’m really caring, probably too nice and too accepting. I always put others needed before mine.

 

This is my problem. I think women see this trait as unattractive.

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Posted

I think you've identified a huge problem in your upbringing that's affecting you to this day. You're at a great age to address it with counseling. Wait any longer, and you'll end up bitter, especially if you get a few more 'failed' relationships under your belt.

 

Just a warning, putting others' needs above your own may be attractive in one sense, but might also lead you to attract women (or even male friends) who will take advantage of it. Take it from someone who gives too much, and often gets nothing in return, you don't want to end up like this. Don't be me. Please!

 

Go talk to someone. Provided you find a good therapist, you'd be surprised how quickly you can turn things around. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

How did your father treat your sisters?

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Posted

Nice and caring are not unattractive traits. The problem is if that is all there is. The whole nice-guy debate is not actually a problem that has much to do with niceness, the problem is more often than not that guys whom are described as nice has little else going on for them. Or atleast that they fail to communicate their other sides in an interesting way. If you are smart, funny and nice well, you will likely be described as a; “great guy, really smart and funny!”.

 

Now, putting others need before your own is more problematic because it can indicate a lack of healthy boundaries. Especially in early dating; it doesn’t make a lot of sense because you should be looking for compatibility not trying to please a stranger.

Posted

Assuming your parents are married that probably helped things rather than hurt them....

 

If they aren't married maybe you learned what not to do or how to behave...

Posted
Assuming your parents are married that probably helped things rather than hurt them....

 

If they aren't married maybe you learned what not to do or how to behave...

 

 

I'm sorry, can you explain further?

 

Whether his parents were married or not (they were), the dynamic between them definitely colored the way he views relationships.

 

 

What does 'probably helped things' even mean?

Posted

Right or wrongly I guess my assumption is that "happily" married couples are good teachers for relationships. This is coming from someone whose parents have been married for a very long time....

 

I'm sure there's lots of variance on how good the kids are at relationships though... Totally on them if they figure it out or not....

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Posted
Right or wrongly I guess my assumption is that "happily" married couples are good teachers for relationships. This is coming from someone whose parents have been married for a very long time....

 

I'm sure there's lots of variance on how good the kids are at relationships though... Totally on them if they figure it out or not....

 

Ah, gotcha.

 

 

There are many 'happily' married couples who present as such to the outside world. OP has given us a glimpse into the dysfunction that their marriage was based on. Doesn't mean they didn't love each other in their own way. It does distort the view of what a 'happy' marriage is to their kids, however.

 

 

My parents were married for 65 years; I've been accused of being cold and inaffectionate. It's what I witnessed, it was my 'normal'. By witnesssing interactions among friends and their parents, I figured it out.

 

 

The power dynamic between OP's parents is probably a bit worse than the chilly atmosphere I grew up in. Or not, I don't know. :confused:

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Posted

I have never discussed this topic with anyone. In fact, I have never actually explored the possibility that my family dynamic could have anything to do with my lack of success in romantic relationships. I have found myself in romantic relationships with several women, 3 to be exact, whom I believe all had borderline personality disorder. I hope I’m wrong, but I believe this to be true because of my most recently failed romantic relationship. My ex told me she was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder and was medicated. In fact she told me this early on and I’m so eager to just love someone and be loved back that I let her walk all over me for years. My family finally basically had an intervention and I left her. The things she did were ridiculous (I paid off 10k of her credit card debt) etc. I’m actually just embarrassed to say this stuff. I genuinely didn’t realize how taken advantage of I was while in the moment.

 

I’m a giver. I like to give and be appreciated. I just need some real therapy I guess.

 

I recently googled “why do I attract borderline women” and the things I found were like reading about my own life. The family dynamic, etc.

 

I just want to work hard, love and be loved back.

 

Why does the world require so much from us that just seems unfair. Maybe I’ll never fit in and I’ll always live in this fantasy world where I dream of meeting a woman who will love me for the love I want to give

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Posted

When I say “I want to be loved for the love I’m willing to give” I feel like my mother is basically taking through me. She basically raised me because my dad was always working. Whatever happens to someone who has a beautifully caring mother and a overpowering controlling father who doesn’t even acknowledge a child’s boundaries (I never knew I was supposed to have any).... well, I’m coming to grips with the possibility that I’m an extreme case of whatever that may be. And to be honest with you all, I’d rather be a total narcissist. That just sounds so much nicer than this.

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Posted

And...I just realized I didn’t answer one of your questions. “How did my father treat my sisters?”

 

I have two sisters. One who is 18 months younger than me and another who is 12 years younger than me. (Both from the same mother and father)

 

The 18 month younger sister is the only one I can really speak to. The 12 year younger sister was so young that I just didn’t witness a lot of my fathers interactions with her before I left for college and then into the professional world. I left home at 18 for college and never went back.

 

To answer the question- My father was equally overbearing on my closest sister as he was on me. My sister however, fought back. I never did. I always just accepted whatever he requested. My mother I think would notice my inner unhappiness and reluctance to resist. And she would often speak up “for me” voicing what she thought I felt (and she was always right). But ultimately, my dad was her “rock” and she couldn’t defy him.

 

My dad is a drinker. He’s a good man deep down. But when he drinks which is every night, he gets confrontational.

 

I was lucky in one respect. I was able to find a career that has been very rewarding for me. From a professional standpoint, I’m completely confident and actually very successful. It’s like the one part of my life that allows me to be confident and successful. I also think I saw a professional success as the only way for me out of whatever I didn’t like about home. It was my only hope and ive made it. Now I’m just out here with a lot to give and want someone to share it with

Posted
And...I just realized I didn’t answer one of your questions. “How did my father treat my sisters?”

 

I have two sisters. One who is 18 months younger than me and another who is 12 years younger than me. (Both from the same mother and father)

 

The 18 month younger sister is the only one I can really speak to. The 12 year younger sister was so young that I just didn’t witness a lot of my fathers interactions with her before I left for college and then into the professional world. I left home at 18 for college and never went back.

 

To answer the question- My father was equally overbearing on my closest sister as he was on me. My sister however, fought back. I never did. I always just accepted whatever he requested. My mother I think would notice my inner unhappiness and reluctance to resist. And she would often speak up “for me” voicing what she thought I felt (and she was always right). But ultimately, my dad was her “rock” and she couldn’t defy him.

 

My dad is a drinker. He’s a good man deep down. But when he drinks which is every night, he gets confrontational.

 

I was lucky in one respect. I was able to find a career that has been very rewarding for me. From a professional standpoint, I’m completely confident and actually very successful. It’s like the one part of my life that allows me to be confident and successful. I also think I saw a professional success as the only way for me out of whatever I didn’t like about home. It was my only hope and ive made it. Now I’m just out here with a lot to give and want someone to share it with

 

 

No, he's not a good man. You're lying to yourself. I know, because my mother was an alcoholic and I used to do the same thing. The truth is, your dad is an addict who is an a-hole. The person people are when they're drinking, IS who they are.

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Posted
No, he's not a good man. You're lying to yourself. I know, because my mother was an alcoholic and I used to do the same thing. The truth is, your dad is an addict who is an a-hole. The person people are when they're drinking, IS who they are.

 

I suppose that’s true. But, I just turned 32, I haven’t lived at home since I was 18 and I hardly even go home for holidays. I don’t have to deal with it anymore. And, anything regarding this that I confront now in my personal life is just the residual effects of my experiences with it while growing up.

 

I need to figure out how to date better. I guess maybe I’ve established that therapy is the answer

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Posted
No, he's not a good man. You're lying to yourself. I know, because my mother was an alcoholic and I used to do the same thing. The truth is, your dad is an addict who is an a-hole. The person people are when they're drinking, IS who they are.

 

My family lives in Florida. I live in NYC. I literally couldn’t be more separated from them.

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Posted

For those of you who have read along...

 

Do you feel that she will reach out to me when she’s back? I actually don’t know when she is returning from China.

Posted
For those of you who have read along...

 

Do you feel that she will reach out to me when she’s back? I actually don’t know when she is returning from China.

 

I'm optimistic; I think she will.

 

Keep us posted!

Posted

I've read your thread and I think the problem is you haven't been assertive or aggressive enough with this girl. Women want to feel desired. When she made excuses to go home on that one date you should have said "I want you to come home with me". You've had enough chances to make up for the sex that didn't happen the first time and since you didn't push it she's losing interest. Get out of your head and start doing and speaking what you feel. It's only a woman and if you mess up with this one there are millions more to get it right with.

Posted

Confidence is good, needy clingy is not.

 

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download if you haven't.

 

It may help you a lot.

Posted

Live your life for you. Don't put your happiness in what you get from others.

 

If you can figure this out you'll do just fine.

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Posted

Hi all- I just wanted to check in and ask a final question regarding this. She left on 10/15. Asked for a rain check on dinner for when she got back. I haven’t heard anything from her nor do I know when she hats back. (It’s been almost 3 weeks).

 

Should I text her and check in or should I continue to wait to hear from her?

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