I texted too much...how to recover

[thr1986]

Something just seems weird. She was putting much more effort into it before this Saturday night incident.

 

We have plans to hang out Friday night. It just seems forced. Will see how it goes

[Highndry]

For me personally, I like it when a guy I like texts me a lot. I don't like it when guys play hard to get.

 

On another note, it has happened to me before that a man has not been able to have sex the first time we have tried. I didnt say anything, but i took it personally - I felt that I was not attractive enough. The guy in question made a point of talking about it and told me the problem was anxiety because he liked me so much. That dealt with all my insecurities very well

 

This is something very common that women should understand. When a guy really, really likes a woman, sometimes he puts pressure on himself to perform/be at his best, which can lead to negative results. Oddly, if he doesn't really think too much of a woman, there's not that same pressure to impress her and so he doesn't give two effs and there are no nerves.

 

It's no different than cold-approaching a gorgeous woman to make small talk vs. chatting up the obese, unattractive librarian who you have no interest in. The former creates a bunch of nerves while the latter is a forgotten interaction. The mind can be our own worst enemy.

[FMW]

Sure, we "should" understand, but especially in a new relationship it's difficult not to take it personally and not wonder just a little bit if it's because the guy is at best just not attracted to us, or at worst actually turned off by something about us.

 

We can all be insecure at times.

 

OP unfortunately it probably just left you both feeling awkward, but she seems interested in going forward so I'd bet the weirdness you're feeling from her is about her own insecurity and not because she's thinking less of you.

[thr1986]

Sure, we "should" understand, but especially in a new relationship it's difficult not to take it personally and not wonder just a little bit if it's because the guy is at best just not attracted to us, or at worst actually turned off by something about us.

 

We can all be insecure at times.

 

OP unfortunately it probably just left you both feeling awkward, but she seems interested in going forward so I'd bet the weirdness you're feeling from her is about her own insecurity and not because she's thinking less of you.

 

Thank you. Your comment makes me feel a little better. This point in a relationship is where I need work. I ALWAYS ruin things at this point. I have no trouble attracting women and I’m usually very good in a first interaction or on a first date. Then, if I’m not interested in them emotionally they normally become a casual hookup until it fizzles away. BUT.... if I like them, I always somehow ruin the attraction on during the second and third date. I’m not sure what I do. The last woman I was at this point with, told me she just didn’t like me after our second date.

 

This one, she always responds to my messages and gives input as if she’s into the conversation but she’s not really reaching out like I’d expect her to if she liked me. I’m also talking to another girl who I don’t really like as much but she texts me every day to talk. I wish the one I like would do that.

 

I’m 31 and ready for a relationship. How does everyone make it look so easy?

[Marc878]

Take it easy. Don't overwhelm them and act needy. It's a big turnoff.

[rightondude]

man. Man oh man.

 

I hate, I really hate to say it, but the fact you went limp has probably left a bad impression. First off, I have been there. More times than I'd like to admit. I really, really, feel for you.

 

I would say without any hesitation that you MUST get some Viagra ahead of your next date and sexual experience, Your nerves/anxiety are going to get the best of you or at least there's a strong chance they could. Don't blow it brother. Go at it once hard with a drill pill. I think if you get it done and get it out of your head you will be fine going forward, but you cannot afford to repeat this. i think this is the reason she is kinda distant and cold fish to you now. I could definitely be wrong, but .... I have been there. It sucks dude.

[thr1986]

It was the circumstances of the specific evening. I had a lot to drink that night, as withthe night before and the night before that. Since then I’ve slept with two other women and been fine with each of them.

 

Hopefully tomorrow night I’ll be fine and I’m hopping after that she will be back to normal. We have plans to go to a concert later in September. So...plans tomorrow night and then a plan 9/29.

 

How soon should I make a plan with her after tomorrow night?

[brokenheartszn]

Not sure if this has been mentioned, but try to quit porn and masturbation for a while.

[thr1986]

We went out for dinner, the date was great. She invited me over after. We had some drinks at her place and lots of kissing etc. her roommate came home and then we kinda toned it down after that. I left and went home.

 

Then she texted me the next morning just to start convo. We’ve texted back and forth some. I donno. She told me her parents were in an open relationship while she was growing up and that they both saw other people regularly and it was totally acceptable. She didn’t express her feelings on an open relationship specifically. I’m not sure what this means. Thinking it’s mahbe a red flag.

 

Thoughts?

[FMW]

Yes, it's a possible red flag. Straight up ask her what she thinks about open relationships and if that's what she's looking for. Make it clear to her that is not what you are looking for and that would not work for you (assuming that's the case).

[preraph]

It happened because you obsessed a bit over whether to text and worried about all that the entire time she was gone!

 

I think when someone goes on vacation, you let them take the lead and see if they even want to be bothered texting while they're on vacation. If they do, you do, and you totally only let them set the pace. Vacation is precious time. For me, it's time to leave my other world behind and I don't buy souvenirs for people or anything.

[Thingsfallapart]

If you couldn’t get it up because of nerves why didn’t you try foreplay together until you’re both ready. I’m 36 and always like foreplay for both of us before sex. And if it happens agains make sure the girl is satisfied until orgasm with hands and tongue etc and then they are always happy

[coolheadal]

Yes. If was a wonderful night but then I (for some unknown reason) couldn’t perform. I think it was the alcohol even though I’ve been fine on that much alcohol before.

 

She left some Jewlery here so I’ll have to see her again. I told her last night I was enjoying getting to know her.

 

How long should I wait until I reach back out to her? I like her. I sort of want to just text her again today but maybe I should wait

 

I know I like to text bomb women, I try not too but to me text is tiny but on their cell phone they got it set to large. LOL Send smiles faces and say GN or GM stuff like that. Keep it simple and brief! Works out best in the end.!

[thr1986]

OK. So, we hung out again (went to a movie) her suggestion. We had fun, laughed a lot, went to my place afterwards and kissed some but she sort-of cut it short and said she was going to head home. Which was fine. No sex, but im ok with that.

 

 

Then, another weekend went by and I didnt suggest any plans, nor did she. She texted me a couple of times just to say something like "oh a song came on and made me think of you" how are you?... type stuff...

 

 

Then this past weekend she invited me to the ballet to watch her. Shes a professional ballet dancer so she had tickets for me at will call and invited me to come watch. I went. We went to get a drink after her show finished and had fun. I was with a friend prior to going to the ballet and had a few drinks, i was a little drunk when i was at the ballet but i think totally fine and not noticable. When we went to have a drink afterwards, I of course got a little more drunk-enough to the point where I brought it up to her and said sorry. she said she actually didnt even notice that i was drunk and not to worry. But, after we got a drink-she made a point to tell the cab driver who was bringing us home to make two stops. Suggesting that we werent going to go back to my place or her place together.

 

 

I thought this was strange.

 

 

 

We have plans to see a concert together this friday.

 

 

 

Should i feel weird that she made a point to not hang out after? or should i just write it off as her being tired perhaps after her ballet and wanting to go home and not stay up late at my place? (it seemed a little strange that she did that)

 

 

Also, im starting to feel a little sick hopefully not too ill to go to the concert friday with her.

 

 

 

If i canceled on the concert friday what message do you think that would send to her? (She was going to this concert on her own prior to me getting a ticket. so, its not like we made plans to attend together and then i'd be backing out. She was already going to attend without me anyways)

[introverted1]

You seem really low-interest, OP.

 

Most women know that alcohol rarely helps a guy's performance, so after already having a failure in that area once, you met her at the ballet tipsy and then proceeded to get drunk and then wonder why she told the cabby he'd be making 2 stops?

 

And now you're debating canceling on the concert.

 

I think you need to decide what you want with this woman and then act decisively.

[MidwestUSA]

You seem really low-interest, OP.

 

Most women know that alcohol rarely helps a guy's performance, so after already having a failure in that area once, you met her at the ballet tipsy and then proceeded to get drunk and then wonder why she told the cabby he'd be making 2 stops?

 

And now you're debating canceling on the concert.

 

I think you need to decide what you want with this woman and then act decisively.

 

^^this

 

When a woman says 'this song was on and made me think of you', she's into you.

 

You knew you were going to the ballet, yet you drank, both before and after. You should have had water when you went with her after - at least show that you CAN stop drinking.

 

Her nether regions dried up like the Sahara desert.

 

Should you feel weird? Stupid maybe, I don't know. I'm not sure why you can't see what happened. You had the green light and blew it. First, you let one weekend go by without suggesting plans, and she stepped up and asked YOU out. Then you failed, epically.

 

If you cancel on the concert, and I'm surprised she's even giving you a third (or is it fourth?) chance, consider it the last nail in the coffin. It doesn't matter that she was already going, she wants (or wanted) to see YOU.

 

Do we not have a face palm emoji?

Edited September 27, 2018 by MidwestUSA

[shydad]

You're blaming her, but you're the one who arrived drunk. If she's so important, I don't understand why you would do this.

 

Is she still important to you? I've read everything in this post and it started out with you being really excited. Are you still excited? (BTW, I'm sympathetic to the texting and performance issues mentioned earlier.)

 

I don't know what to say about Friday, but yea, canceling will not be good... Hopefully one of the pros on this site will have some battle tested advice. Probably letting her know immediately that you're starting to not feel well could be a good idea, so if you get full on sick, it's not a surprise to her? Maybe you should have a "Plan B" idea? "I'm not feeling well and its unclear how I'll be on Friday, but if it doesn't work out, I'd like to take you to (fill in the blank) on (pick a future date)."

 

Oh, and obviously get at least 8+ hours sleep every night, eat healthy food, no junk food, vitamin C, dress warmly, stay home, etc. Do all of these things before Friday, and maybe you'll be well enough for the date. If you don't do these things, you might consider if you're really that interested.

[SevenCity]

^^this

 

When a woman says 'this song was on and made me think of you', she's into you.

 

You knew you were going to the ballet, yet you drank, both before and after. You should have had water when you went with her after - at least show that you CAN stop drinking.

 

Her nether regions dried up like the Sahara desert.

 

Should you feel weird? Stupid maybe, I don't know. I'm not sure why you can't see what happened. You had the green light and blew it. First, you let one weekend go by without suggesting plans, and she stepped up and asked YOU out. Then you failed, epically.

 

If you cancel on the concert, and I'm surprised she's even giving you a third (or is it fourth?) chance, consider it the last nail in the coffin. It doesn't matter that she was already going, she wants (or wanted) to see YOU.

 

Do we not have a face palm emoji?

 

^THIS.

 

Seriously dude, this is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

 

I’m beginning to think that you are subconsciously (or intentionally) sabotaging things with women you really like.

 

Are there deeper issues to explore here?

[MidwestUSA]

^THIS.

 

Seriously dude, this is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

 

I’m beginning to think that you are subconsciously (or intentionally) sabotaging things with women you really like.

 

Are there deeper issues to explore here?

 

 

Social anxiety perhaps? And a whole lot of overthinking. OP, you stated on August 14th that you'd made tentative plans to go to a concert with her in about a month. Is that the one coming up? The way you stated it then didn't sound like 'meh, she's going anyway, with or without me'. It sounded like a date. If she's still willing to go with you, you really, really need to step up. If you like her, that is.

 

What's going on that makes you think you're getting sick? It's only Wednesday. Are you a chronic over worrier? A hypochondriac?

 

And then there's this:

 

 

The inability to preform I believe was due to several consecutive nights of drinking and an overall state of fatigue, also maybe a little anxiety because I do really like her. I was exhausted.

 

As a ballet dancer, she's probably in tip top shape, and has healthy eating habits (without excessive booze). And I'll bet she has a lot of energy. You're consuming a lot of empty calories with booze, and nothing interferes more with sleep patterns than alcohol.

 

You really need to distinguish between frat boy partying days and dating to find a relationship. I'm not sure why she's not completely turned off by you already, tbh.

[thr1986]

i may have overexaggerated the "drunk" comment. I was fine. Just had a couple of drinks before and then two with her after.

 

 

 

She insisted several times that I didnt seem drunk until i said something to her. But, maybe shes just being nice.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she was just being nice, but she was turned off. That's why she didn't want you going home with her. It doesn't make a good impression.

 

As the others have said, you are giving her the idea that you are not interested in her. You need to pull up your socks, go on that date on Friday night, and avoid the booze beforehand.

[surferchic]

^THIS.

 

Seriously dude, this is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

 

I’m beginning to think that you are subconsciously (or intentionally) sabotaging things with women you really like.

 

Are there deeper issues to explore here?

 

Yessssss, I COMPLETELY agree with this poster.

 

OP, it’s obvious to me at this point. Do you not see how you’re sabotaging things simply by showing up at venues drunk. The deeper issue here may need to be explored. Chill out with the drinking and try to stop avoiding getting hurt. We all get hurt at some point even while in committed relationships. So try dealing with your anxiety about relationships, or just yourself ...first.

 

Then..... I think you’ll be aight...

[thr1986]

Guys, I get that the drinking prior to our last date was not ideal. Maybe she was just exhausted and wanted to get home and sleep. Re: the comment with her being fit and organized etc- I’m also that way (I know my comments haven’t made it look like that because I’ve been talking only about what I’m worried about. But I have a stressful job in finance and work a lot. I don’t drink at all during the week and not really as much on the weekend as I may have made it sound.

 

I’m just looking for advice as to how to correct what has happened. I have the opportunity to make up for it this Friday.

 

Again, she didn’t even say anything about me being drunk last Saturday- it’s me that was feeling insecure about it. Remember she denied even noticing (which is definitely possible).

 

So- I need to make a good impression Friday. Any advice helping me with that I see as very valuable.

[MidwestUSA]

Guys, I get that the drinking prior to our last date was not ideal. Maybe she was just exhausted and wanted to get home and sleep. Re: the comment with her being fit and organized etc- I’m also that way (I know my comments haven’t made it look like that because I’ve been talking only about what I’m worried about. But I have a stressful job in finance and work a lot. I don’t drink at all during the week and not really as much on the weekend as I may have made it sound.

 

I’m just looking for advice as to how to correct what has happened. I have the opportunity to make up for it this Friday.

 

Again, she didn’t even say anything about me being drunk last Saturday- it’s me that was feeling insecure about it. Remember she denied even noticing (which is definitely possible).

 

So- I need to make a good impression Friday. Any advice helping me with that I see as very valuable.

 

'Correct what has happened'. I'm not sure if you're referring to being in bed with her, or not getting asked back to her place after ballet. Either way, you go in with the attitude that there's nothing to correct, because there's not. That's all in your head.

 

So GO. Without drinking. Or, mirror what she does. One drink? Two? Was she drinking the night of the 'failed attempt'? (Which is quite common, btw, and shouldn't even be made into a big deal, by either party. If both laugh it off, chances of success the next time are good).

 

Once she knew you'd had drinks prior to the ballet (trust me, she noticed) then a couple with her, she replayed your failed performance in her mind. She didn't want to go thru the embarrassment again.

 

What you've done now is set yourself up for a case of performance anxiety, whether alcohol is involved or not. Even in the event it was simply a matter of her being tired and wanting to get home, you've overthought it so much, the outcome is likely to be the same.

 

Now if you're asking how to be a good date such that you even get back to her place or yours, I'll leave it to the guys. Ideally, you should just BE YOURSELF, be attentive, polite, blah blah. Stop overanalyzing. Good luck!

[thr1986]

The original night of failed performance, we both had the same number of drinks. So, we both were on the same level of intoxication.

 

The only time we have not been “eye to eye” (so to peak) regarding consumption was when I went to the ballet. She had reserved two seats for me and told me to bring a friend. So, my friend and I went and drank before and during the ballet. She met my friend briefly as well. So, she saw both of our levels of drunkness (which honestly wasn’t much)

 

I’m just being paranoid about this because I like her and want it to work.