I don’t like talking on the phone... (is that so wrong?)

[frus69]

Hmmmm why?? Why do i have to call to show my interest??? Texting your bf can feel just as close and intimate too. And relaxing! Cuz you don't have to talk back straight away! Phone call is energy draining..you can't just be silent for an hour on the other end. You have to talk constantly.. most days you don't have that much to say. A bit texting here and there is perfect! I dont want to call my bf , almost never. Unless it's an emergency. Doesnt mean im avoidant or i like him anyt less at all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

most days you don't have that much to say.

 

My sentiments exactly!

[Curiousroxy86]

Frus you don’t have to do anything

 

But not everyone see it your way

 

And even the way others sees it doesn’t matter lol

 

It would only “possibly” matter if YOUR GUY takes issue and even then the decision is yours to either accommodate him or say sorry babe deal with it and be okay with the outcome

 

But in my opinion texting is the lowest form of building intimacy and getting to know someone

 

I personally feel having an actual conversation and spending time regularly is the best way to get to know someone and is one of many ways to build intimacy

 

But that’s just me

[frus69]

 

But in my opinion texting is the lowest form of building intimacy and getting to know someone

 

It's just a personal preference. I still dont think it should be associated with the level of intimacy or interest at all. If you like calls/texts, yes do that. But don't use it to judge how much the other person values you/the relationship. Dont say "if he doesnt call, he isnt serious "or anything like that.

 

Being physically together is the only important thing in a relationship. Other than that, calling/texting preference certainly should not be a deal breaker.

[basil67]

And relaxing! Cuz you don't have to talk back straight away!

 

Unless your partner is one of those who gets bent out of shape when a response is not quickly forthcoming

[Curiousroxy86]

It's just a personal preference. I still dont think it should be associated with the level of intimacy or interest at all. If you like calls/texts, yes do that. But don't use it to judge how much the other person values you/the relationship. Dont say "if he doesnt call, he isnt serious "or anything like that.

 

Being physically together is the only important thing in a relationship. Other than that, calling/texting preference certainly should not be a deal breaker.

 

Because I feel like only texting and going days without seeing each other and not talking doesn’t help build intimacy and get to know each then a guy who doesn’t call, only texts, and we don’t see each other often has intimacy issues or is not interested enough IMO. We are not on the same page when it comes to the ideas of intimacy and getting to know one and another. I feel like conversation and quality time is the best way to do both. Texting imo should be a supplement not a replacement and honestly I personally can do without it all together. I could care less if a guy text. I use texting as emergency urgent need to know info anyway.

 

Now don’t get me wrong. If we see each other a lot in a week I more than likely wouldn’t care if he choose not to call because I agree that seeing each other and spending time is the ultimate form of intimacy and getting to know each other even more so then calling.

 

Also I don’t need to be on the phone for hours. 30 minutes to an hour a day is fine by me in between times we see each other if we don’t see each other a lot in a week

 

But if we don’t see each other like twice a week or less? And he don’t call? Naaaah I’m judging lol. I will be passing him on by and I would think he have intimacy problems. And therefore it is a deal breaker for me. Annnnd im unapologetic about it.

[surferchic]

Unless your partner is one of those who gets bent out of shape when a response is not quickly forthcoming

 

True. But for me, I don’t mind the lag time of texting. If I want more urgent responses THAT’S when I call.

 

I think because my bf knows my preference is texting, he gets really happy when I actually call. I know some of you may think I sound like some stuck up/ air head chic, but I’m not.

 

I’m caring, calm and affectionate toward my bf. It’s just that I’m also very reflective and a slow processor at times. So I value being given time to respond to conversation and TAKING time to recharge. That’s included in not having to be so reactive to a bunch of words on the telephone all the time.

 

It’s not just my bf, it’s family and friends as well. But at this point they all pretty much know that I text more than I call.

[frus69]

 

But if we don’t see each other like twice a week or less? And he don’t call? Naaaah I’m judging lol. .

 

I would judge the fact that he doesnt make time to see you at least twice a week, not that he doesnt call... lol

 

If a guy doesnt see me twice a week or more, I would move on even if he calls me every day

Edited June 28, 2019 by frus69

[surferchic]

If he sees you twice a week or more, then no need to call during that two days you arent together. Opportunity to miss each other

 

This is the very reason I’m having an on/off issue with my bf. We talked openly about this topic and I jokingly said to him in the beginning that it’s ok to not talk all the time in order to allow people/US to keep wanting more and kissing each other. It was more light hearted and playful at the time but he obviously kept it in his mental notepad. He threw it up in my face yesterday and thinks about it often now and brings it up indirectly. Says stuff like he hasn’t heard from me all day, as if he wants to indirectly “punish” me for things I said, of that nature.

 

Just last night I had to “force-quit” our conversation because he enjoys the lingering even once we both start yawning , with little to no more words or energy to give. After being the soft/ feminine/ cool gf for a few minutes , I had to do a WHOLE ctrl/alt/delete because I had no more to GIVE and don’t want to keep asking him why he wants to fight sleep by “lingering while yawning “. It’s crazy:mad:

[frus69]

well is your BF very clingy??

[surferchic]

well is your BF very clingy??

 

I hate to label him like that ,but it kind of sounds that way.

 

And I also feel like he tries doing different things (GAMES) to deflect the attention away from his insecurities. I’m pretty observant and notice more than I discuss with him because I want to allow him to be who he really is without a bunch of behavioral expectations.

 

I do mention some of his ways in this thread and my other thread called “my bf prefers talking rather than texting”.

[frus69]

I didnt read your other post but everyone's comfort level is different so doesnt matter what I think, do you feel he is too clingy?

 

If a guy needs to talk to me on the phone everyday, or talk to the point we fall asleep on the phone, that will be a problem for me..I will feel overwhelmed. And if after communicating with him, he doesnt take it very well, needs to play games, feel insecure or whatsoever, it will be a huge red flag for me.

[smackie9]

It depends on how into you are with that person. If you are just swooning with excitement because you click so well....you will be spending hours over the phone because you simply wouldn't care...you just want to be close to them at all costs.....so OP maybe this is an imbalance of interest in each other....maybe he's more into you than you are of him.

[surferchic]

So far I don’t mind TOO much. I’m posting in here about it because in the past I’ve pushed away when guys would do stuff like this. But because this guy and guy click so well in other ways and met as friends first, I want to stick this out until I can’t take it anymore or until some dealbreaker happens. Although Im discussing it, this isn’t a complete dealbreaker for me ...not yet anyway.

[Curiousroxy86]

yea some "flaws" of a boyfriend is not clear cut and dry on whether or not its a deal breaker so thats understandable

 

but you definitely should recognize if its something that bothers you and if your in the realm of "how to deal with it" then you can come up with a way(s) that work for you to cope. just dont stay with the guy thinking things will change lol. thats one of the biggest time wasters in relationships. find ways to accept the flaws you see and have your boundaries or get out there when you decide you ultimately cannot accept anymore.

[schlumpy]

It depends on how into you are with that person. If you are just swooning with excitement because you click so well....you will be spending hours over the phone because you simply wouldn't care...you just want to be close to them at all costs.....so OP maybe this is an imbalance of interest in each other....maybe he's more into you than you are of him.

 

Yeah...…...Kinda of what I was thinking too.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Do you guys live far away from each other? Is it difficult to spend time together? Why is he so hung up on phone calls? I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

 

The most I've ever talked on the phone was with my last boyfriend who lived on the other side of the country. We'd keep in touch sporadically throughout the day on messenger and usually talk on the phone once per day, most days but not every day.

 

I even got a little tired of it in THAT situation - so I REALLY don't think I could tolerate that with someone who lived close enough to actually see in person on a regular basis.

 

If it's a valid argument that texting is impersonal compared to telephoning, then it's equally valid that telephoning is impersonal next to spending time together. A single embrace is worth more to me than an hour on the phone - so what gives? Why does he want to have a phone-based relationship?

 

Is this more about VALIDATION and ATTENTION for him, perhaps, than any sort of truly meaningful intimacy/relationship building? Seems likely.

 

You could try doing what I did and cancel your cellphone service entirely. One of the best decisions I've ever made.

[surferchic]

Do you guys live far away from each other? Is it difficult to spend time together? Why is he so hung up on phone calls? I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

 

The most I've ever talked on the phone was with my last boyfriend who lived on the other side of the country. We'd keep in touch sporadically throughout the day on messenger and usually talk on the phone once per day, most days but not every day.

 

I even got a little tired of it in THAT situation - so I REALLY don't think I could tolerate that with someone who lived close enough to actually see in person on a regular basis.

 

If it's a valid argument that texting is impersonal compared to telephoning, then it's equally valid that telephoning is impersonal next to spending time together. A single embrace is worth more to me than an hour on the phone - so what gives? Why does he want to have a phone-based relationship?

 

Is this more about VALIDATION and ATTENTION for him, perhaps, than any sort of truly meaningful intimacy/relationship building? Seems likely.

 

You could try doing what I did and cancel your cellphone service entirely. One of the best decisions I've ever made.

 

Thanks.

 

It’s definitely not telephone based. We live about 30 mins away from each other and see each other at least 3-4 times/week. I think being on the phone for lengthy times makes him feel reassured that we are both engaged with one another throughout the day or night.

 

I do end the conversations though periodically after a certain amount of time and if I’m pressed for time and need to do something else. I’m not harsh with him though.

 

Not sure if I could cancel my phone service. I use my phone for too many other things that have nothing to do with him.

[rightondude]

Thanks.

 

It’s definitely not telephone based. We live about 30 mins away from each other and see each other at least 3-4 times/week. I think being on the phone for lengthy times makes him feel reassured that we are both engaged with one another throughout the day or night.

 

I do end the conversations though periodically after a certain amount of time and if I’m pressed for time and need to do something else. I’m not harsh with him though.

 

Not sure if I could cancel my phone service. I use my phone for too many other things that have nothing to do with him.

 

could it be that the regular calls are his way of keeping tabs on you to make sure you're not out and about?

[surferchic]

could it be that the regular calls are his way of keeping tabs on you to make sure you're not out and about?

 

Possibly.

 

And perhaps it’s why he’ll try keeping me on FaceTime for long durations even after there’s not much left to say. We eventually start talking about something else, but there are lulls in between topics... which isn’t a bad thing always.

 

My attention span won’t stay engaged for long periods of time -1. And 2- after silences I clock out mentally and feel inclined to just get off the phone.

 

back to your theory. yes I have thought that sometimes, but during normal times it’s hard to imagine him thinking on that level , i.e. keeping me on the phone just to see what I’m doing and where and/or being suspicious. Although he has called out several men when they’ve been staring at me in public at times when I haven’t even noticed it. I told him he was just paranoid. He denied it instantly. But he definitely did NOT deny, orchestrating the phone issue a month ago to in essentially try making me call him(more than once, but that didn’t happen because it’s just not something I feel is necessary). He sat in silence and disappointment for several minutes that day.